The Sharpest Lives

“Good morning, baby.” Frank cooed in Gerard’s ear. They were still in bed, both in their boxers only. They made their way to Gerard’s room round 1AM the night before after passing out on the couch during some terrible action movie on cable. They just slept this time, close to each other. They breathed in one another’s scent, and held on to their partner through the night.
Gerard yawned, laying his head on Frank’s chest. Frank tangled his tattooed fingers in his lover’s hair.
“Good morning.” Gerard sighed.
“How is your arm feeling?” Frank asked, still stroking Gerard’s hair.
“Feels OK. Look, the bandage is clean.” Gerard held up his arm and smiled.
“Yay!” Frank said, smiling back down at Gerard. “What time is it?”
“Uh…” Gerard grabbed his phone on the night table next to him. “10:43”
Frank yawned, and removed his fingers from Gerard’s hair. “Be right back.” He stood up, grabbed his phone and walked into the hallway.
“Bob – can’t make it in today @ 2. Sick, sorry. Cover for me? I’ll owe you one.” Frank texted.
“Fine, but you owe me. :)” Bob replied. Great, now Frank was in debt to Bob who was notorious for asking the most ridiculous of favors. He tucked back into bed with Gerard, taking him in his arms, forgetting about Bob and his frivolous request that would surely come.
“Where’d you go?” Gerard asked.
“I texted Bob at work…told him I can’t make it in today.” Frank kissed him on the forehead.
“I didn’t know you had work today, I’m sorry. You don’t have to do that.” Gerard sat up slightly, looking into Frank’s eyes.
“I wanted to, baby. I’d rather be here with you.” Frank kissed him on the lips. Whatever favor Bob needed in the future, it was worth it.
“You’re too good to me, Frankie.” Gerard whispered into his ear. He slowly shifted to Frank’s mouth, lightly grazing his lips over Frank’s.
They stayed in bed until almost two in the afternoon; though they didn’t do much sleeping during that time. Both men shifted from the bed, giddy and content. They dressed slowly, relishing in the feeling that they had nothing to rush for; nowhere to be.
“So Frankie, I meant to tell you something last night but I didn’t have the chance.” Gerard said, pulling on a pair of pants from the closet.
“Yeah?” Frank asked.
“Yeah. I made an appointment with Dr. Foster for Wednesday at 5.” He said with a smile, he was feeling a little more comfortable about the situation with Frank here to reel him into reality.
“Really? Baby, that’s great!” Frank said, walking over to Gerard and cupping his face in his hands. He planted a quick kiss to his lips before pulling away and slipping a shirt over his head.
Gerard and Frank spent the weekend together. They went to dinner on Saturday and Gerard managed to pay this time, although with much detest from Frank. When it was time for Frank to depart on Sunday evening, Gerard was feeling much more content with his life than he was Friday afternoon. He wasn’t necessarily looking forward to his appointment on Wednesday, but he wasn’t dreading it like he had been. He was, at least, feeling indifferent to it, and to Gerard that was enough. Frank drove home with a smile that he couldn’t wipe off of his face even if he tried, not that he would want to. Both men fell asleep that night, though separately, with one another in their thoughts and in their hearts.

“Gerard Way?” called a professional sounding voice from the entry to a dimly lit office.
Gerard stood, legs shaking, and followed the woman inside the room.
“Hi, Gerard. I’m Dr. Foster, but you can call me Elizabeth. How are you today?” She spoke, taking a seat in a large blue lounge chair. She motioned for Gerard to take a seat across from her in a matching chair.
“I’m OK, thanks.” He sat down, hands in his lap, trembling nervously.
“It’s OK, Gerard.” She said, sensing him quaking.” I’m not here to judge you or make you uncomfortable in any way. We’re just here to talk. Ok?” She asked, smiling at him genuinely.
“Ok…” He answered hesitantly.
“Tell me a little bit about yourself, Gerard.”
“Uh, well…I work for Berkley publishing. I’m an editor there.” He said, taking comfort in talking about something he knew well.
“Do you like your job?” She wasted no time getting to the point, apparently.
“Definitely, I do. Sometimes it’s annoying, but it’s fairly easy and I get to read a lot of comics before they come out. I want to write my own someday.” He said, now looking at Elizabeth in the eye, and shifting into a more comfortable position in the fluffy chair.
“Good. I’m glad to hear you enjoy your profession. Tell me a little bit about you, what do you like to do for fun?” She asked.
“Fun? Uh…write comics.” He laughed nervously. “I like horror movies, Frank and I sometimes watch them together.” He said this so nonchalantly, forgetting that she did know who Frank was, but maybe not what Frank was to him.
“How is your relationship with Frank?” She asked, maybe she did know a little more than Gerard thought.
“It’s good, great, actually. It’s new, but we get along really well and I like him, a lot.” He glanced back at the floor, blushing to himself with the thought of Frank.
“That’s wonderful, Gerard.” She said. Gerard could tell she was going to ask another question, but he couldn’t help blurting out the next thing.
“Does Frank talk about me a lot?” He was insecure, and needed to know if Frank mentioned him. It made his heart flurry.
“I can’t really release any information on our conversations, but, yes, he has mentioned you more than once.” She answered, smiling slyly.
Gerard blushed again.
“Do you think it’s important that Frank talk about you or mention you to his friends and family?”
Gerard didn’t know, he had never thought about it.
“I mean, I guess? I’d like to know that he is as excited about our relationship as I am…It makes me feel like it’s not one sided.” He mumbled towards the end of the statement.
“Does Frank make you feel like it’s one sided?” She asked, writing notes on a small pad.
“No, never. I just wondered, I guess.” Gerard sat back in his chair, glancing at the clock. It had been less than ten minutes and he was already talking about his relationship with Frank. Damn sneaky therapists.
“Tell me a little bit about your past relationships, Gerard. Has anyone made you feel like your love for them was one sided, or not reciprocated?” She sat forward slightly, still scratching notes into the paper.
“Uh…” He had to think about it. “Maybe? I mean, Bert, my only serious ex-boyfriend, never was good at showing his emotions unless it was through a fist.” He laughed nervously.
“I’m sorry he did that to you, Gerard. No one deserves to be hit.” She said, looking up from her paper and smiling lightly at him. “How long were you with Bert?”
“About two years.”
“When did the abuse start?” She asked. Again, getting right to the heart of things.
“A few weeks after I moved in with him. One day he just went off and it was never the same again.”
“Was it only physical abuse or was it mental and emotional as well?” She asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, did he ever say nasty things to you or threaten you? Not all abuse is physical.”
“Oh, yeah. He would do that sometimes.” He sighed.
“What kind of things did he say to you?”
“Sometimes he would call me worthless, sometimes he would tell me no one loved me like he did, and if I ever left he would kill me.” He tilted his head up towards the ceiling, focusing on the white tiles above him, trying to ground himself. He wanted the chair to open up and eat him whole. Just rip his body from the world and pull him back down into it so he could disappear.
“That’s dreadful. I’m so sorry, Gerard. What happened that you were able to leave him?” She was still writing on that little notepad, and it made Gerard nervous.
“Uh…I…” He stuttered, he was starting to feel the panic inside him again. He was trapped in this tiny office, with a woman who wanted to know all his secrets.
“Are you alright. Gerard?” She asked, sitting forward again.
“Yeah…I just…”He mumbled out, breathing quickly and shallowly. His hands started shaking, and his foot was tapping on the ground. He was entering fight or flight mode, and he knew he would always choose flight.
“Breathe in…and out…in…and out.” She whispered, staring him in the eyes.
He followed her instructions and focused on her words. In, and out, in, and out. He could do this. He could talk about this. He wasn’t trapped. In, and out, in, and out.
“Thanks.” He said, taking a deep breath.
“Does that happen a lot? Where you start to panic?” She asked, scribbling something down.
“Yeah. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes when I feel stuck.” He explained.
“How long has this been happening?”
“As long as I can remember.” He said honestly. “Sometimes I can pull myself out of it, sometimes…” He stopped, knowing what he would have to admit to if he went any farther.
“How do you deal with it when you can’t pull yourself out of it?” She asked.
“Sometimes I cut myself.” He said quickly, before he could convince himself not to. “Oh god, you’re going to think I’m crazy. You’re going to have me locked up in one of those places for insane people.” He started to scramble his words together.
“Shhh, breathe. It’s OK, Gerard.” She said quietly. “I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you have been through a lot, and you found a way to cope with it.”
“You don’t think I’m crazy? How could you not think I’m crazy?” He cupped his head in his hands, and slumped into his lap. He was surprised, he thought for sure she would tell him he was deranged and that he needed much more mental help than she could provide once a week.
“No, Gerard. You’re suffering from panic attacks. They can be extremely traumatizing and hard to control. You suffered abuse at the hands of someone you loved. It’s in our natural human needs to find a way to cope with those things. Unfortunately, your method of coping is self-harm, but that is not crazy. It is much more common than you think.”
Gerard hated it, but she was making a lot of sense.
“Have you ever seen anyone, a doctor I mean, for your panic attacks?” She asked, going back to writing her notes.
“No. I mean, I’ve seen shrinks before but never really talked about it…”
“I think I can help you control them so that you can stop cutting yourself eventually. Is that something you would be willing to try?”
“Yes, I think so.” He said. He wanted to stop cutting himself, for Frank. For Mikey. For himself.
“I’m going to prescribe you something called Quetiapine. It is a mild sedative to help control your panic attacks. I’m going to give you a low dose to start. If you start feeling anxiety and think you may hurt yourself, I want you to take one. You take them only when needed, not every day.” She said. “Is that OK?”
“Yeah…I’ve never taken any medication like that before, but I’d be willing to try, I guess…”
“I think it will help you, Gerard. And if not, there are many other avenues we can explore to help get you feeling better and not hurting yourself. And I promise, unless I feel that you are a serious danger to yourself or someone else, none of those options include sending you to a mental institution.” She smiled at him, earnestly. Gerard felt some of the tension dissipate knowing that she didn’t think he was crazy, and he was safe for now.
Gerard left her office feeling a little better about himself that day. He had the reassurance he needed from her that she wasn’t going to lock him up or say he insane. They set another appointment for the same time, next Wednesday.
He stopped by the pharmacy and picked up his medicine. Small, round, white pills. 30 of them, for 30 days, just in case. He reminded himself these were only in case he needed them, they would help. This was another coping mechanism he could use without hurting himself.
When he got home, he called Frank. He told him about his appointment and the medicine he had been prescribed. Frank seemed happy for him, and reassured him that the medication would be a good thing for him if he needed it. They made plans for the weekend and hung up the phone. Gerard reminded himself “only if I need it.”
The weekend passed by them much too fast for their liking. The couple was together from Friday afternoon to Sunday night, and it was becoming a routine. Frank now had a toothbrush at Gerard’s house, and Gerard had the same at Frank’s. Gerard hadn’t cut himself in four days, which was a new record. He broke down on Sunday night, however, after Frank left and made two shallow slices. He took half of one of the pills Dr. Foster had prescribed for him and went to bed. He fell asleep fairly quickly, probably because of the drug. He considered this a success, however.

“How are you feeling today, Gerard?” Elizabeth asked him, as he sunk into the familiar blue chair from the prior week.
“I’m fine, thank you.” He said.
“How was your week? Anything interesting happen?”
“Not really. Same old, same old.” He responded, twiddling his thumbs as he watched her get the notepad out.
“That’s good. How about your self-harm? Have you needed the Quetiapine?” She asked, smiling at him.
“Once. I cut myself, just a little, though. And then I took a half of one. It made me fall asleep.”
“That’s good, Gerard. It won’t be instant that you can stop hurting yourself, but as long as you remember you don’t have to, you will eventually notice yourself doing it less and less.” She responded, not looking up from her notes now. “Is it ok if we continue our conversation from last week? About Bert?”
“Alright.”
“So, tell me. How did you find the strength to leave him?” She inquired.
“I don’t know, just one day I had enough. I packed up my things and left. I ran, actually. Three hours from home in New Jersey, to here.” He sighed, thumbs still twirling.
“You did the right thing, Gerard.”
“Thanks…” He trailed on, sometimes wondering if he did.
“Is your family back in New Jersey?” She asked, back to writing.
“Yeah, my mom is. My brother moved here after he graduated.”
“That’s nice that you have some family here. Do you talk to your mom a lot still?”
“Almost every day.” He said, smiling.
“Do you miss her?” She asked, frowning slightly at him.
“Of course…” He didn’t realize how much he missed her until she said it. He missed her a lot. They had always been close and he hadn’t seen her in nearly two years, since the last time she came to visit him.
“Have you ever gone back to see her?” She asked.
“No, never…not with Bert there. I…can’t. Mikey, my brother, he has though.” He couldn’t go back to New Jersey. Bert would find him. Bert would kill him.
“Almost all of the abuse cases I have ever come across, the abuser makes empty threats, Gerard. If he wanted to hurt you, Gerard, he would have come looking for you. It’s been five years since you left. You’re safe, now.” Gerard knew all of this was probably true, but he couldn’t help but be petrified at the thought of seeing Bert again.
“I don’t know…” He mumbled.
“Think about it. I’m sure your mom misses you, too. Bert can’t hurt you anymore. He isn’t part of your life anymore.”
“Maybe.” He knew he could just go to his mom’s house, and then go back home. The chances of him running into Bert were slim to none, but he was still terrified.
“Does Frank make you feel safe, Gerard?” She smiled at him, knowingly.
“He does.”
“Maybe he would go with you. I think maybe seeing your mom and facing your past, while indirectly, would be a step in the right direction. Maybe go with Mikey, too. There is power in numbers.” She set her notepad down.
“Just think about it, Gerard. Ok?”
“Ok.” He replied.

He left her office confused. He had never, ever, thought about going back to New Jersey. He missed his mother like hell, and he knew she couldn’t drive the long distance to him anymore. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as soon as he got out the door of the building, making his way towards the subway.
He dialed Frank’s number and waited for the answer.
“Hey baby.” He could hear Frank’s chipper voice on the other line.
“Hey you.”
“How’d therapy go?” Frank asked.
“Well, that’s actually what I was calling about. How do you feel about a road trip?” He inquired.
“Baby, I’d go anywhere with you.” He joked. “But, where to? When? I’d have to get some time off from work, and maybe reschedule a few shows, but yeah I would go if I can.”
“I think I need to see my mom.” The line was silent, Frank wasn’t expecting that.
“You haven’t been back to New Jersey since…”
“I know, Frankie. That’s why I need you to go with me. My mom can’t drive the distance anymore, and Dr. Foster made me realize that maybe going back, even just to see her would help me get over it.” He sighed, walking into the subway car. It was nearly empty, thank god. “I can’t do it without you, though.”
“I’ll go with you. I wouldn’t let you do this alone. Just let me know when and I’ll make it work. Ok?” Frank said.
“Thank you, Frankie. I…Thank you.” He almost said it. Almost said “I love you”. Did he love Frank? Fuck. He did.
“See you on Friday?” Frank asked.
“Definitely.” Gerard said. Yes. He definitely loved him.
When he finally got in the door, he exhaled with relief. Relieved that Frank was going with him, relieved that he would finally get to visit his mom again, relieved that he finally realized he loved Frank. He had been agonizing over the idea for days now, and he could finally understand his feelings. He loved Frank. He loved him so fucking much it made his chest hurt, but not in the bad way like it usually did.
Gerard didn’t cut himself that night. He didn’t cut himself the next night, or two nights that followed.

Notes

@crashintokate