All We Need is Daylight

His hair already looks like he and Frank have been making out for twenty minutes, but it’s only been like five. Five minutes of all the making out that they’ve wanted to do the entire day but haven’t been alone together since this morning, so there’s a lot of ground to cover.

“Oh my god, I swear, I thought that like I had moved past that like hormonal teenager who just wants to make out stage of my life, but holy shit, Frank,” Gerard says. He’s still young and spry despite the fact that his back hurts all the time, and he has a heat pad that he has to put on it when he forgets to lift with his knees.

“You don’t even have an excuse!” Frank says. “My hormones are through the roof! You’re an old man.”

Gerard splutters. Frank does not know about his back heating pad, and he never will. Gerard would like to have his creaky bones in peace goddammit. “I’m not… I’m not that old, I’m like-”

“You’re old, Gerard,” Frank says, scooting just a little bit too close to him on the couch. “You’re like a dinosaur.”

“Ugh shut up,” Gerard manages to say before Frank is kissing him. He’s got a hand on Gerard’s shirt, pulling him closer, and he’s like, not being very modest about it. Frank is kissing Gerard like they are on a 2000’s teen show and one of their parents is about to step in, except that’s not going to happen because Gerard lives an hour and a half from his parent’s house, and he would never give them a key.

Frank is very playful today, to say the least. He’s all lips and jokes. Gerard has met up with Frank after his last class and they’d walked together to his apartment, which is a lot of walking back and forth for Gerard, because he also has to go back to the rink for practice tonight. That’s like three whole trips there and back in one day, and Gerard’s apartment is about fifteen to twenty minutes from the rink depending on how much you drag your feet. He’s choosing to forget that he’s going to have to go back again. Or, more likely, Frank’s tongue has made it it’s business to make Gerard forget.

So maybe Gerard’s never actually had a boyfriend before. He had a girlfriend in high school, which was funny for at least one of the parties involved, but it lasted like two weeks and she told him he smelled bad and read too many comic books. He still does smell bad and reads too many comic books, but Frank is kind of into that, so he supposes it’s working for him. He knows that he and Frank have basically been dating since they met, it’s just that no one told them it was happening, so now Frank seems to be trying to catch up on all the making out that they missed out on, and Gerard is fine with it. He had a lot of mustard for lunch, he’s hoping Frank cannot tell that from his breath. He really overdid it on the Altoids so hopefully they’re playing for him right now.

“You’re seriously, like the hottest person in the world, you know,” Frank says to him, giving his lips a break and instead just holding onto Gerard for dear life. Gerard is ready for Frank to sit on his lap and for him to just exist there for a little while. Frank is very close to making that happen, but it’s more like he’s draping himself onto Gerard.

“You gotta stop talking to yourself, Frank, it’s very unseemly.”

“You can keep denying you’re pretty, it’s not going to stop be from acknowledging it.”

“Maybe that’s what I want,” Gerard says, squinting his eyes all crafty and shit.

“Then you’re ugly, and gross, and you don’t have really nice eyes, or a cute nose.”

Gerard kisses him madly. For several minutes. Frank keeps giggling. Gerard is giggling a little bit too. What is wrong with them? Why is it so cute? Isn’t it supposed to be sexy or something? He’s not trying to get laid, he’s literally just trying to taste every single part of Frank’s mouth, which involves a lot of spit which should be either disgusting or sexy, but it’s neither of those, it’s just adorable. Maybe it’s because it’s Frank. Either way, he allows it to continue for several minutes.

“Today was a weird day,” Frank says, when the two of them eventually stop because of breathing.

“It was.”

“You wanna go first, or should I?”

“I’ll get mine out of the way, I guess,” Gerard says. “So, Mikey.”

“Mikey,” Frank nods.

“Mikey. He’s, you know he’s a mind reader, right?”

“He figured us out, didn’t he?” Frank says. Gerard doesn’t think he’s even surprised that Frank says that, because Mikey is… well, he’s Mikey. Gerard didn’t really think Frank would be that upset, because Frank trusts him a lot. Even if Frank hadn’t guessed it, Frank would’ve accepted that Gerard didn’t actively tell Mikey. That boy was a medium in another life.

“He’s Mikey,” Gerard says nodding.

“Patrick knows too,” Frank says, “that’s my piece.”

“Patrick too?” Gerard is a little more surprised by that one. “How did he figure it out?”

“Apparently, he was going to tell me a few weeks ago that you were in love with me, but he didn’t get the chance to. He figured it out because Pete told him I have a secret boyfriend.”

“Does Patrick know that you’re gay? Wait, does Pete know that you’re gay? Frank, who else knows? I thought it was just Hayley and your mom?” Gerard asks, and Frank is taken aback. Had he not mentioned that to Gerard? How has he not mentioned anything about who knows to Gerard?

“Gerard,” Frank says his name in a way that Gerard has never been addressed before. Either Frank’s tone is that he thinks Gerard is stupid or he thinks that he himself is stupid.

“Frank?”

“Do you not know the thing?”

“The thing?”

“Patrick.”

“I know Patrick,” Gerard says.

“Pete.”

“I know him too.”

“Oh my god,” Frank says. Why had it slipped his mind that Gerard doesn’t know they’re gay? How did he forget that? Fucking hell, how did Hannah Montana maintain a secret for so long, how did she keep all of her facts straight? Yes, that was a fictional character on a TV show, but how is Frank supposed to hold it inside of him that their two best friends in the world are dating each other, and his boyfriend doesn’t even know they’re gay?

What the fuck is wrong with the gaydars in this town? Are they all fucking stupid but Patrick? Is Patrick literally the only person in this town with more than one brain cell? Well, apparently Mikey too. Pete’s definitely an idiot, that boy couldn’t find his way out of a corn maze with Siri giving him directions. Gerard and Frank have been in love with each other for a solid two months now and neither of them could compute that the other was gay. Patrick and Mikey seriously both knew he and Gerard were dating before Frank knew that he and Gerard were dating.

“I definitely am not supposed to say this, but whatever, I’m a terrible person, okay,” Frank says, because he just cannot hold this one in. He will explode. He’s going to hope neither Pete nor Patrick them will be mad at him for it. Patrick had kept his secret until the darkest reaches of the galaxy, but he’s still going to tell Gerard anyway. How could he not? “Pete and Patrick are dating, Gerard.”

Gerard opens his mouth, and then stops, eyes wide. It’s almost unreal the way Gerard looks right now; he looks like a drawing by an underpaid cartoonist asked to make a character look shocked.

“What?” The shock in his voice is astounding. The very state of his shock could manifest itself into it’s own person.

“Babe, they’ve been dating for like… three years.” He’s not calling Gerard babe in a pet name kind of way. He’s calling Gerard babe in a ‘aww, he’s so stupid’ kind of way.

“They’ve what?” Frank is wondering if he needs a paper bag.

“How did I forget you didn’t know that? Oh my god, I just have gotten so used to it that I like, spaced. You can’t tell them I said that, Christ on bike, Gee, it’s a very important secret that stays with you until you die, but yeah, they’re like drop dead in love with each other.”

“They met each other like three years ago! I met them three years ago! What the fuck!”

“Yeah, Gerard, they’ve been dating like, almost as long as they’ve known each other.”

“How did I not know this. Fuck. Am I horrible friend? I should’ve seen…”

“It’s not like they go around telling people!” Frank says, “and you can’t tell them I told you! I didn’t even mean to, I just… how could I not tell you! It’s like the biggest thing since you and I got together, only it happened three years ago, and this happened like three days ago.”

“Oh my god, we have to out-couple them.”

“We have to what?”

Gerard groans like Frank is the stupid one here. “We have to out-couple them! We need to win. We’re better. We’re hotter. Like, any couple with you in it is going to be hotter than any couple with any other person, but still. We’ve got to be better.”

“They’re our friends.”

“Yes, but we’re better,” Gerard says, and his face is so weird. He’s like, cute little teddy bear Gerard, but also he’s sexy little trickster Gerard. Oh fuck, Frank is going to give this boy so many things. Heart, soul, virginity, but he’s getting ahead of himself.

“You’re right, we are better, but we can’t out-couple a couple when no one knows we’re a couple.”

“Do you think Patrick’s going to keep us a secret from Pete?” Gerard says skeptically, and man oh man, Frank has some things to tell him.

“How is there so much I forgot to tell you,” Frank groans. “Of course Patrick will keep a secret from Pete. He did it before. He did it when I gave that interview and Pete thought it was about him.” Frank says that and waits for the explosion. He thinks he’s dropping a bomb, so he sets up to give Gerard a minute to recover from it, hopefully with his cute surprised face, but his face does not do that.

“Am I supposed to be shocked that the article was about you?” Gerard asks him. Now Frank feels like the idiot.

“I had expected it, yes.”

“Okay, let me get my game face on,” Gerard says, and he pulls away from Frank for a second, shakes his shoulders out, and then makes a 1930’s Hollywood whodunit gasp. “You mean you, the gay guy on the hockey team are the same person as the gay guy on the hockey team?”

“Fuck off,” Frank says.

“I’m sorry. You dropped a lot of bombs there and the one I already figured out isn’t too big of a shocker to me. I didn’t know Patrick knew though; the article was anonymous.”

“That’s just what we told people. It wasn’t actually.” Frank shrugs, and he decides he doesn’t want to talk about the article lest it remind him of anything. “Let’s just stop talking about all of this, okay? Can we just make out for a little while?”

“Mmm, sure,” Gerard says, before he lets Frank absolutely destroy him. Finally, finally Frank sits on his lap, and he wraps his two arms around Gerard. The two of them are about as close as two people can physically be to each other with their clothes still on. Frank is trying to swallow Gerard’s tongue. This has to be a really ugly kiss. If he were to see a picture of this kiss he would make fun of the two of them. It’s amazing.

Five minutes? Ten minutes? They don’t care.

“Will you come home with me for thanksgiving?” Gerard asks at a certain point, when Frank presses his forehead against Gerard’s, eyes closed, breathing the smell of him in.

“We live like two towns away from each other, Gerard,” he says before he stops letting Gerard breathe by kissing him some more.

“Frank, I’m asking you to come meet my parents,” Gerard deadpans.

Frank looks shocked and backs away from him just a little bit. Parents? Frank is absolutely positive he can name the people that know Gerard is gay on one hand, because he’s made it very clear. Himself, Patrick, and Mikey. And that’s it. His parents are definitely not on that list. He doesn’t have any lurking secrets like Frank did a few minutes ago.

“You’re going to come out?”

“You did it,” Gerard says, and his voice sounds matter of fact which does not fit how he feels inside. He’s not sure what prompted him to ask Frank just now, because it wasn’t premeditative. Maybe it’s the idea of taking Frank to somewhere that no one will recognize them.

Telling his parents, that’s just something he’s going to have to do in order to be as close to Frank as possible. They’ll find out eventually when Gerard proposes to Frank in a few years. He’s not prepared for it, but now that he thinks about it, he knows it’s time. He’s not really prepared for anything, though. He wasn’t prepared to fall in love with Frank, and he’s not going to be prepared for anything having to do with Frank ever. He’s not prepared to tell his parents about Frank, but he’s ready and he’s going to anyway. He’ll never be fully equipped for Frank.

He wants to take Frank to his bedroom to show him his childhood. Frank thinks he’s got a lot of comic books, stuffed into his Ikea bookshelves, but he’s not even seen how much worse it gets. There’s a lot of fucking action figures. Granted, most of the actual comic books have made it to his apartment, but there is so much stupid memorabilia. Gerard was a fucking loser in high school. He wants to show Frank his light saber, and that’s not an innuendo, he actually wants Frank to look at his Star Wars collection.

And Frank’s right about them living about two towns away from each other, so Frank can show him everything too. Frank’s mom has a big trophy case in the dining room where she keeps all of his awards and Gerard wants to see it with all of his heart. He wants to see the teddy bear that Frank said he was too embarrassed to bring to college, but he longs for every damn day of his life, and he fully intends on kidnapping that teddy bear so that Frank can have it with him at college, but not in his and Ray’s dorm. Maybe that’ll trick Frank into sleeping over like every night. Gerard’s going to set the thought of Ray aside for a little while because if Frank stays the night here as much as Gerard would like for him to, Ray is going to get really suspicious.

He really wants to take Frank to the city. They’ll need a car, but he’ll finagle one from his parents and he’ll take Frank to a nice restaurant and they will sit on the same side of the booth, and they probably won’t make out, because no one should be making out in a restaurant while people are trying to eat, obviously that applies more to heterosexuals because they’re the ones gross enough to do it, but still, Gerard’s not into that. Then he’ll take Frank to go see a movie or to the theater, or anything. He’ll hold Frank’s hand as they walk down the street. No one will know who they are. It’ll be perfect.

Frank is more than ready for anything and everything Gerard. An entire week of Gerard? Sounds blissful. Gerard’s parents? Bring them on.

Thanksgiving is next Thursday, which means Frank just has to make it until Friday before he’s free for an entire week, or at least until the game on Black Friday, which he does not want to think about. Because they have a game on Black Friday, they don’t have one this week at all, which is good for the sake of Frank’s grades, but bad for the sake of wanting to have a whole week to himself and Gerard without this godforsaken school.

“I would love to, Gerard. But I just want you to be sure that you’re ready to be out to your parents. My mom, she’s, well she’s my best friend. I knew what her reaction would be, which is why I wasn’t scared of herso much as just scared of the act of saying it.”

“I’m not afraid of my parents in the slightest,” Gerard says. “I’m just still not over like this internalized shame that I’ve been carrying since about middle school.”

Frank makes a face at him. No, Gerard is never allowed to be sad or ashamed of anything ever. Gerard should be loud about who he is, but neither of them get to be loud. “If I kiss you for a really long time will you stop being ashamed?”

“Possibly, yeah.”

“Then it’s my moral obligation,” Frank says, and he is a man of his word.

Gerard is so warm and cuddly. He smells like plain old Gerard. He’s so soft. His body is squishy, he’s got a little bit of facial hair, and Frank is not mad at either of those things. His clothes are old, they used to be a soft fabric, and now they’re a different kind of soft fabric. His breath is actually pretty nice, but Frank knows it’s because he ate like three Altoids on the walk over, even though Gerard thought he was being shifty about it.

“Yeah I’ll come home with you,” Frank mutters into Gerard’s mouth.

“You sure?” Gerard says, “you’ll be really close to Mikey all week, and that’s not something I would wish upon my worst enemy.”

“I’ll be close to you though.”

“Not sure I would wish that upon my worst enemy either.”

“I fucking love you.”

Frank wraps himself up in Gerard. He puts his head in Gerard’s neck and that’s where the smell of him is really intense. Yeah, he’s starting to like it. He actually really likes it. Now he understands why girls always steal their boyfriends’ sweatshirts. He still has Gerard’s Stooges shirt that he wore when his mom was over, and he’s not giving it back anytime soon.

Gerard holds him like if he lets go, he won’t get to keep Frank. He loves Frank so much more than words could ever say. He loves Frank’s everything. He loves Frank for his talents and skills, but also for his flaws. He loves that Frank hasn’t cut his hair since he got to Armstrong, and it’s starting to make no sense. He loves Frank for his tattoo that he’s still so fucking proud of. He loves Frank for his hatred of learning German. He loves Frank for his total bewilderment of comic books. He loves Frank for his little pot laugh. He loves Frank for how strong Frank has been through all of this.

One thing Gerard hates, like absolutely hates, is that his alarm goes off on his phone while the two of them are, as Mikey would say, “sucking face” or “committing treason,” because Mikey thinks that Gerard kissing anyone is gross. It’s the alarm he sets so that he’s not late for work, because Gerard is employed apparently? It doesn’t seem like a real thing, that anyone would employ Gerard to just stand in a hockey rink and yell at people, but that’s his job.

“Five more minutes, mom,” Frank says, and now he’s decided to kiss Gerard’s neck very softly because he doesn’t want Gerard to have to explain that of course he just fell onto a doorknob with his neck, it’s not a hickey, of course it’s not. Maybe someday he’ll leave a big purple bruise in that nook between neck and collar bone, but he can’t yet. He supposes there are other places he could leave marks that no one else will be able to see…

“Frank, I’ve gotta go. Coaching pays for my apartment,” his voice indicates that he is not happy about it. He has to reach around the couch for where his phone has gotten to, but he needs to turn the alarm off because the sound gives him war flashbacks to his time as a student. Gerard wasn’t unlike Frank as far as scholarships go. He’s got a few thousand in student loans, but not nearly as much as someone who didn’t have an athletics scholarship would have. He knows for a fact that Frank got a full ride, which means Frank’s going to come out of this whole college experience with his credit score unscathed, and then after that he’ll be able to become rich enough from playing in the NHL to own like four houses, and if Gerard is very very lucky, Frank will share his bed with him in all of those houses.

“I don’t wanna,” Frank says in an annoyed voice, and technically speaking, Frank is sitting on him, so he does have the ultimate say, because Gerard is neither strong enough nor heartless enough to push Frank off of him.

“I’ll walk you to your dorm, or you could just stay here if you want. I know I would prefer it if you slept here tonight, but that’s up to you.” Fuck, wouldn’t it be so goddamn precious if he comes home tonight to find Frank passed out on the couch watching home renovation shows? Or even if Frank has already gotten into bed and he’s stolen all of the covers. Fuck. Gerard is like so fucking gay.

“I think I’m going to come with you,” Frank says, sounding defeated in his endeavor to keep Gerard here with him.

“Okay, I’ll walk you to your dorm.”

“No, Gerard, I mean, like I’m going to come to practice.”

“Are you sure?” Gerard asks, and there’s that surprise on his face that Frank had been missing out on before.

“I think we both knew it was inevitable. If I want to play next Friday, I have to get back in there. I’m never going to be, like, ready, so I have to just throw myself at it.”

“You’re so brave.”

“I’m not brave. I’m just a kid who likes hockey.”

Gerard feels something very deep in his stomach, or head, or gut, or something. He feels something somewhere and it rips right through him. He brings Frank as close to him as he possibly can, really tries to squeeze the life out of him in a way. He wants to give Frank all of his love and energy and bravery so that Frank can use it, because he knows Frank will put it to better use. If he just holds, just keeps Frank in his arms, he can have everything. Gerard will give him all that he has to give him. His head is buried against Frank, he’s not sure what part of him, but it’s Frank and it’s warm, and Frank actually smells a little bit like Gerard which is cool.

He could actually cry. He could cry just thinking about how much he loves Frank. He loves Frank so much that his love almost splits him in two. He wants to pour himself into Frank, just give every piece of him into this boy. He’s never had any emotion in his life that was as strong as this emotion. Gerard has never had grief as much as loves Frank. He’s never had fear as much as he loves Frank. Never had joy, anger, hatred, or anything that comes close.

He’s got a smile like a sunrise and a heart like a goldmine, and he is all Gerard needs.

Notes