I'll let you go

Chapter 13
Gerards p.o.v

I walk inside mine and Mikeys house, seeing it was quite empty without Mikey and Ray here. I had just gotten back from mine and Frank’s little trip, and I had decided to go home for one night.
I felt drained, emotionless really. It's like all my pain and my anger and happiness had frozen, but i knew they’d come back and hit me twice as hard. They always did.
I walk into the bathroom, turning the faucet in the bath on. I fill it a 3rd of the way up with freezing cold water, before plunging right in. My clothes were drenched in seconds, heavy with the weight of it.
The feelings slowly melted back in, drenching every though I have in sadness, pulling apart every insecurity I had and making it into something more.
And just like that, I was feeling again. Way to intently, and all the wrong feelings, all the anger and sadness.
I hear screams outside of my thoughts, but I know it's me, I know it's me because my mouth is wide open and my lungs are burning. I feel something wet on my face, but i'm unsure weather it's water or tears, but at that point I didn't care. I'm still screaming as I get out of the tub, then sumble to my room.
I don't even realise what I’m doing until it's done, until everything is completely and utterly, demolished. Even then I'm not done, there's still this pain deep inside of me, so I cry.
I fucking sob in the middle of my utterly fucked room, I lie in the ruins of what used to be my bedroom floor, but now there's wreckage scattered across it.
I don't stop for a long, long time, until finally, I see a movement out of the corner of my eye. I roll over in my spot on the ground, looking to see the tear stained face of Mikey way standing in the doorway.
I cry harder upon seeing him, but I’m not sure why. I can tell he’s hurting for me, witch gave me even more fucking pain.
Why am I always hurting everyone?
He rushes toward me, grabbing my shoulders and sitting me up. He cradles my body against his own, saying something to me, in which I can't hear. I could only hear a high piercing in my ear. His arms around me sends a calmness throughout me, a calmness I know a sibling could only bring. I cry out again and hold him to, latching myself onto him. I clutch onto him, my savior, the thing that's kept me alive to even see through Frank coming back.
The high piercing in my ear ceases, and I’m left with the sound of my stifled cries and Mikey whispering that were gonna be okay.
And I knew we would. But on some level I didn't want that, I didn't want to be saved, or to be okay, I wanted it all to stop, everything. Some small piece of me still wanted to die.
I calm down enough to stop crying, and I allow myself to pull away from Mikey's chest, just barely enough to look up at him.
“What's wrong Gee?” He whispers, his eyes flooded with tears.
“It hurts! M-make it stop!” I cry out, my voice hoarse.
“What hurts?” He asks, looking sadly at me.
“Everything, everything, make it stop. Please.” I whisper, clutching onto him again. Before I even know what he's doing, he lifts me up, making me gasp in surprise. He carries me out of my ruined room, and into his perfectly clean one.
He sets me gently on the bed, telling me to take off my wet pants and shirt and put on some of his pajamas. I do as I’m told, sniffling occasionally. He puts on soft music, the smiths I think.
I lay back on the bed, getting under the covers. He moves over to the door, shutting off the light.
“Sleep Gerard.” He whispers sadly, tears falling from his eyes. He begins to leave, making me panic.
“Wait! Please, don't leave. Please.” I cry, looking desperately at him. He nods and smiles sadly, coming to sit on the bed. He lays next to me, hugging me tightly, me doing the same.
“I love you Mikey. You're such a good brother.” I say, sniffling.
“Thanks Gee, I love you to. Now sleep. I'll be here when you wake up.” He promises, sending a wave of calmness over my body. I shut my eyes, allowing myself a small moment of okay-ness before drifting off.
*
*
*
I wake to a room lowly lit with the little sunshine pouring from the window and a sleeping form next to mine. I remember the events of yesterday and cringe, trying my hardest to move off the bed without waking Mikey.
I walk out of his room and into the hall, my feet padding along the way. I freeze on my way to the kitchen, seeing a body sitting on the couch, looking very disgruntled.
“Frank?” I ask, moving over to the couch. He looks up at me, relief spreading through his face, before getting off the couch and rushing over to me.
“Oh Gerard. Mikey called me and told me what happened. You should have called me baby, I would have helped, I would have been there. I love you. I love you so much. Are you okay?” He rambled, hugging me tightly.
“Baby, Frankie, I’m okay now. I just, I have mood swings sometimes.” I say quietly, looking down at my feet.
“That bad of mood swings? Mikey...Mikey told me about the bath tub thing…” He whispers, tears springing into his eyes. I raise my eyebrows confusedly.
“And?” I ask, looking dumbly at him. His mouth drops as shock comes over his face.
“Gerard, you tried to leave me! You tried to leave me! Why would you do that, then act like it's not a big deal?!” He shouts, tears spilling over. I gasp, covering my mouth with one hand.
“W-wh- I did not! Frank, I would never! I wasn't trying to commit suicide, Frank, I sitting in that bath tub to think.” I explain, horror etched into my voice. He looks confusedly at me, trying to make sense of it.
“Promise?” He whispers, wiping away his tears.
“I promise, my love. I would never, ever leave you, I just got you back. I love you.” I state, pulling his small frame into a hug.
“I love you too.” He sniffles, clutching onto my shirt.
“We're gonna be okay. Were gonna be fine, Frank. I love you, so much.” I say, sighing contently as I felt him nod against my shirt.
Right then I knew I’d get better. And as selfish as it sounded, it wouldn't be for Frank or for Mikey. It’d be for me. Because i devoured a future, I deserved a perfect house with a perfect family and I deserved to go far in life. I deserved that chance like anyone else.
*
*
*
I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
'Stead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

Notes