Chapter 4
**Trigger warning! (drug abuse)****
Later that night, after Ray and Frank go home, I lie wide awake in bed. I feel like shit, though that's not really new. Why the fuck do i always feel so depressed now? I get up, my body feeling like it weighs a million pounds and my head pounding. I walk into the bathroom looking through all of the medicine cabinets. I find Pro-zach, a prescription made out to my mom. Huh. I also find xanax and crestor, more prescriptions, all made out to my mother. I guess she was a crazy bitch then.
I debate on taking them, worrying about the side effects. How many would i have to take to get high off of them? How long would it last?
I force myself to stop worrying and open the bottle of xanax. I get two pills out of that bottle, opening the Pro-zach next. I take four pills out of this bottle, slipping all the bottles in my pocket of my pajama bottoms. I stare at the pills a second, anxiety creeping through my body.
Before i can talk myself out of it, i swallow all the pills at once. They don’t go down easy, though, so i get myself some soda from the fridge, taking a few drinks. I head back to my room, flicking on all the lights. Just as I’m reaching for my phone, a wave of nausea hits me. I stumble backward, holding my head in my hands, shocked by how the pills affected me. I force myself to lie down, trying to make the room stop spinning. When it does i feel really giggly and light and….happy. I get up wanting to feel what it’s like to walk like this. I giggle while i walk, the feeling of floating unfamiliar with me. I walk around the house eight times before i get an awesome idea…..
Why not see what this feels like outside?
I giggle, talking to myself, but i don’t think I’m saying actual words. I put my vans on (with no socks 0_o) and walk outside.
The first thing that i thing is it's cold. But then I don’t care, and for some reason I take off running down the street, convinced that I’m invisible and that i could do anything in that moment.
I find myself getting dizzy again, my vision blurry. Just as i start to panic darkness creeps in, making everything feel gloomy again. I start to slow not feeling as great anymore.
Just as i stop the ground seems to be coming towards my face, but i think nothing of it.
And suddenly, there’s nothing at all.
**************
**Trigger warning over.**
I wake up with a numb feeling in my face. As soon as i move around, i regret it. Everything aches with pain, whether it's from the running or the pills, i don’t know. I curse silently, forcing myself to get up. The door is wide open, just like i left it, and some lights are still on.
I go to the bathroom, turning on the shower and grabbing a towel. I cringe at myself in the mirror, slightly disgusted by the sight. I’m even paler than usual and my eyes have huge purple bags underneath them, the veins showing through. My hair is a huge mess, tangled everywhere. I sigh and get into the shower, sitting on the cold tiles.
I just wanted to take more pills. I just wanted to feel better.
I don’t realise i’m crying until a small sob escapes my lips. I force myself to keep quiet, not wanting Mikey to hear.
I sit there for awhile, letting tears run down my cheeks and the water hit my body.
Everything felt too real, too serious. I’m supposed to act like a teen, not an adult. Instead of having parties and getting high, i have and i’m practically raising Mikey.
“Gee? I need to piss!” Mikey yells through the door. I sigh, getting up and turning the water off. I dry off, wrapping the towel around my waist and opening the door.
“Holy shit Gee, what happened to you?” He says, wide eyed at my appearance. I simply shrug, picking my dirty clothes up off the floor.
“Do you feel okay?” He asks, seeming concerned. I nod, although i feel like total shit.
“You sure? You should probably stay home today.” He says frowning.
“It’s okay Mikes. I’m fine.” I croak out. He nods, but doesn’t seem convinced. I walk past him, making my way towards my room. Before i do though i quickly turn to Mikey.
“I love you Mikes. I want you to know I’m always here, even if our parents weren’t. I just….i want you to know that i love you and your an awesome little brother.” i wheeze out. My voice is really hoarse, from the cold i guess.
“I love you too, Gee. Thank you for taking care of me.” he whispers back. There's pain in his eyes but i’m not really sure why.
Before he can see it, i turn away because of the tears in my eyes.
Whether it’s because i’m sad about life, or happy about what Mikey just said, I don’t know.
Maybe its because i’m numb.

Notes