When you go

Chapter 20
Gee’s p.o.v

“Baby, we have to get up.” Frank’s soft voice says. I roll over, looking at his cute, innocent face.
“Why? It’s sunday.” I say, rolling back over.
“Er, babe? We have to go to the, uh, funeral.” He says nervously. My eyes fly back open as i realise that’s today. I sit up looking at him with a frown.
He just nods, seeming to understand, and wraps in his arms.
“I know, love.” He says quietly. I lean into him, allowing myself comfort.
He holds me for a minute, until I pull away.“We have to get ready.” I say quietly. I lean up to kiss him softly and he returns the kiss. I get up and go to the bathroom, turning on the water and grabbing a towel. I jump in, washing my hair and body quickly, not wanting to hog the bathroom. Once i’m out, i walk towards mine and Frankie’s room, seeing he’s in there as well. I don’t hesitate to drop my towel and get dressed, but when i do, he stares with his mouth wide open.
“Y’like what y’see Frankie?” I ask him. He snaps his mouth shut, but nods quickly as i pull on some boxers.
“Your so beautiful Gee. Holy fuck, how did i get this lucky?” He asks himself, more than me. I shake my head.
“I’m certainly not beautiful, and i am definitely the lucky one.” I say to him, grabbing my all black suit out my closet.
“Oh God, Gee, yes you are. Fuck, I’m gonna have to call you Geesus.” He says seriously. I laugh, pulling on my dress suit pants.
“No, Frank, do not call me Geesus.” I say giggling.
“I’m sorry, what was that Geesus? I couldn’t hear you over the booming sound of your beautifulness.” He says all too serious. I giggle and continued to dress in my suit.
When I’m finally finished me and Frank go upstairs to find Mikey and Ray. Their sitting on the couch, Mikey in Ray’s lap, and their practically dry humping. Ray moans into Mikeys mouth as he grinds down on Ray.
Frank’s trying his hardest not to burst out laughing, while I’m trying my hardest not to vomit.
“You guys! Stop it, that’s disgusting!” I yell at them, only half kidding. Mikey pulls away reluctantly, yet smiling.
“Gee, you're such a baby.” Mikey says rolling eyes.
“Where’s Don and Donna?” O ask suspiciously.
“They went to work.” Mikey says shrugging. Work. I kinda miss working, it was just something to do. I had to call my supplier, the get i sell for, and tell me I can’t sell anymore. It kinda sucked, but he understood.
“Yeah, whatever. We gotta go, it’s almost time for the reception to start.” I say, all the playfulness gone from my voice. He nods softly, tugging Ray's hand to get him up. We all walk from the house, Ray and Mikey getting in the front. Frank and i jump into the back, not bothering with seat belts. Instead we meet in the middle console so his legs are on my lap and my arms are around his waist. We don’t speak the whole way there. I just listen to the sound of all of our breaths and the faint sound of the engine.
It’s an extremely short ride, and a slightly awkward one at that.
The service was being held at a graveyard, where i would speak along with Bert’s close friends. For some reason their parents wouldn’t speak, or even be there for all i know. I would speak last, then….we bury him.
We pull up to the grave yard parking lot, but didn’t get out.
“It’ll be alright Gee.” Mikey said quietly. He looks at me through the mirror, a soft, encouraging smile on his lips. I nod, letting out a nervous sigh, before getting out of the car.
I stand up, almost losing my balance when I see the place where the service will be held. There’s a huge picture of Bert right next to his open coffin. There was a canopy with at least thirty chairs underneath it. There was about 20 people there, each with a weepy face. It made me nauseous with sadness, my eyes swimming with tears.
I’m pulled out if my trace by a warm hand slipping into mine. I look over to Frankie who's smiling sadly at me. I nod softly, as if to say I’m ready.
We walk towards the canopy, most everybody sensing our presence. People look at me, but in a way i wasn’t expecting. I was expecting hatred and disgust, nut it wasn’t anything like that. They looked at me with sympathy and something else i couldn’t quite place.
Soon enough we all take our seats, me, Frank, Mikey, and Ray in the second row. Soon a pastor comes up to the front of the canopy, right next to Bert's coffin.
“We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Bert McCracken, a good friend, a loving son, but a broken soul. The first to speak will be Alison Schneider.” The pastor says, taking a seat. A fairly beautiful young woman, with long blonde hair comes to take the pastors place. Her face is crumpled in pain and tears are running down her lovely face.
“Bert...God, Bert was something else. I had never met someone so broken yet, so okay with it. It was sad, really, because he didn’t want to be happy. He like being fucked up and depressed. Bert had always had a fucked up life, it had never been happy. His parents were alcoholics and he raised himself….Hell, i shouldn’t be spilling this word vomit right now, at his funeral...but i can’t help it….” She says, starting to weep. I was bewildered by her words, yet extremely sad about it. How had I not noticed how Broken he was? Why the fuck was I so blind?
“I know it was the car crash that killed Bert physically but Bert was already dead. He was dead. Nothing could change that.” She finishes. She was hysterically sobbing at this point, her voice hoarse. I was no better though, and everyone else seemed to be crying too. Another guy comes up, but i don't listen this time. I don’t think i would’ve been able to stomach it. I literally would have puked or passed out.
The whole tim he’s speaking, I’m thinking ‘I could’ve saved him, I could’ve helped him, he would’ve have been okay.’ I don’t know if it’s true though, but it it was in fact was, it made everything so much worse. If i could’ve helped him helped him, but he died any way, would it have mattered? Would it even mean anything?
The next thing I know the pastor is saying my name.
“....Next is Gerard Way, the last person to see him alive.”
What? I couldn’t have been….?!
I slowly walk towards the stage, having no idea what to say.
“Oh, God…..I’m gonna be honest, I have nothing planned to say. I couldn’t even process what was happening, so i didn’t try to. Even the thought of Bert sends me into tears, so it’s hard to write a whole letter to all of his friends and family knowing I would be the reason he’s not alive today.
There may not have been much of a life for Bert here, but I hope there is one for him in heaven. I really do. He makes me want to believe that there is someone looking out for us up there, ready to shelter us in the afterlife. He may not have of been happy here, but i hope in heaven he’s showered in love and affection and that he’s so, so happy. I hope he’s looking out for each and everyone of you sitting here today. I hope when we think of him, we will not think of the life he had on earth, not the life in which he suffered in, but the one he’s living now, the one where he’s happy and healthy. There will never be a day where each of us won’t miss him in our own way. There will never be a day where he is forgotten, because although he may be gone physically, we carry him in our hearts, every moment of everyday. He is gone, but not forgotten. He has left, but not truly.” I say, my words spoken vehemently. Everyone stared at me with tortured, yet thankful faces. I understood at that moment why everyone stared at me weirdly when i walked in; I was the last person to see Bert alive. I also understood why on the day we met he didn't want to talk about his past. His parents.
I slowly stapped towards the coffin, looking at Berts soft face. I touched my hand to his chest, expecting to find a heartbeat, but only finding cold stiff skin. It scared me really, he was actually dead.
I stepped away from the coffin, moving back toward my seat. Frank stood up to greet me and everything seemed to spring into motion, yet it was deadly silent. They were starting to move the coffin above a hole in the ground with one of those machine things. There was already a thumb tone that read, ‘Bert McCracken, Loving son and Friend, 1999 Feb 25th- 2016 October 24th.’
We all waited for the coffin to be placed directly above the coffin and lowered, until we each grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in. I grabbed a handful of dirt, clutching it almost angrily. I watch the people around me weep, yet i felt as if i was out of tears. I was immensely sad, don’t get me wrong, just drained.
“Gone, but not forgotten.” I whisper as i throw the dirt onto his coffin.
I turn to Frank, clutching his hand tightly.
I knew what I had said was true.
Bert would always be with us, gone but not forgotten.
Maybe i could finally forgive myself.

Notes