Stockholm Syndrome

This was a mistake. I had only driven a few miles away from the motel, and the whole time there was a growing sick feeling in my gut, one that was telling me I made the wrong choice. My decision to leave was because I was afraid Gerard was going to kill me in the end, but that fear didn't sit right when I dwelt on it more. Gerard had to care for me at least a little. He saved me from that mugger, took care of my injuries, and had possibly left me free to go. Sure, Gerard had taken me hostage, was some kind of professional criminal, and most importantly had fucking killed someone. But he did it for me. To protect me. To avenge me.

And my time with Gerard, had it really still been a nightmare? Maybe it wasn't the ideal dream of a life, but what kind of life had I really been living before I had been stolen away from it? It was a life of being anxious all the time, lonely and never really felt cared for, even during the time I had my girlfriend. It was a mundane existence. It was barely living. Gerard had been right the first time he said it, every time I walked out of those banks getting away with stealing, it really was a heart pounding rush. Maybe I'd hate to admit it, but all this time with Gerard was the first time in so long that I actually felt like I was alive and accomplishing something. For the past couple weeks it had become increasingly hard to determine whether pre-abduction life was better or worse then my life now. Yes, Gerard had pointed a gun at me and made threats more times than I could count, but Gerard was there. More than anybody I ever shared a relationship with. This mess had a terrifying start, but it changed. Life was a thrill. The excitement rush, a good kind of fear, and always having someone around. Gerard didn't steal me away from anything good. He gave me a new start.

I messed up. I shouldn't have left. I had to fix this. Somewhere deep down I knew I was thinking crazy, but didn't care. Gerard had looked after me. Gerard was my friend. I needed to get back. It was about three in the morning, and with the road dark and empty at this hour, I didn't think twice as I quickly threw the stirring wheel to the left, sending the car skidding at full speed around into the opposite lane so I could head back to the motel. I felt so sure I wouldn't have to be afraid of Gerard killing me. Sure that if I just went off on my own my life would be miserable. Sure that if I went back to Gerard I would always feel alive and never lonely. Gerard needed to know I wanted to stay. He needed to know I was serious. That I could really be his ally.

I was back at the motel in record time. I grabbed Gerard's bag, shouldered my backpack, and hurried to the door. If Gerard had awoken he would probably be more than pissed that I had taken the money, but I was relying on the belief that somewhere along the abnormal time spent together, Gerard developed the same sort of bizarre fondness I had. At room 111 I knocked lightly, hoping above all else that Gerard would be happy I came back. But when I knocked the door creaked open a little. It had been left unlocked and slightly ajar, and I remembered clearly that I had shut it when I left.

"Gerard..?" I called out softly. No response. I fumbled my hand against the wall to find the light switch. The wall lamps turned on at once, and I felt my heart sink a little when I saw Gerard's empty bed. "Gerard?" I called out a little louder, rushing in further to check the bathroom. It was empty, and Gerard's duffle bag was nowhere in sight. He had left, and probably to avoid getting caught by the police, thinking I went to them. I couldn't stop frowning. Couldn't stop feeling so stupid for leaving. Couldn't stop feeling so empty. I had blown my chance. I trudged back to the car and sighed. There was no chance in hell I'd ever be able to find Gerard if I tried. I only had a description and a first name that may or may not even be real. The only people that may have been able to help me would be the police, but I sure as fuck couldn't go to them. I was all alone, and it was all my fault.

I started up the engine, threw the car into gear, and just started driving. I was lost and had no clue where I was going, but I really didn't give a shit where I ended up. On and on I drove fast and aimlessly, only slowing a bit when I was about to pass a police car that had pulled someone over. I casually glanced over, watching the men in the glow of headlights, and my eyebrows just about leapt off my forehead when I recognized the man the police officer was making get out of the car to be Gerard. I kept on driving a little ways and pulled over to the side of the road. I was dazed and overwhelmed. Finding Gerard was some crazy sign from the fates, and I wasn't about to let him get arrested and taken away. I had to stop this somehow. My eyes drifted to the bag of money resting in the passenger seat as I remembered the gun was still in there. Spring Gerard with the gun. I could do this. It was fucking crazy, but I was going to do this.

I turned back out into the road, driving back toward Gerard, and pulled over on the other side of the street across from the arresting scene and watched for a second as the cop was clamping his handcuffs around Gerard's wrists behind his back. My breathing had already became erratic with just the thought of what I was about to do. I pulled the gun out of the bag, and in that instant my nerves were gone. I was finally on the other end of a weapon that kept me a prisoner for so long. There I was holding a gun, and I felt this surge of 'I don't know what' in my chest. Power? Confidence? Exhilaration? A bundle of it all and more. I wasn't sure if that was the proper reaction for a person to have when holding a weapon for the first time. It was weird, the weight of it in my hand felt perfect, like in my hand is where it belonged. That feeling probably should have worried me, but I wasn't fretting over it. There wasn't any time. Right then I was feeling bold and very ready to put this stupid plan of mine into action. I tucked the gun into the back of my jeans as I got out of the car, and stayed put where I stood across the street.

"Hello! Officer!" I yelled, making my voice sound as pathetic and nonthreatening as I could.

The cop was in the process of leading Gerard to the police car, and he had kept a cautious glance on me the whole time, but it wasn't until I called out that he stopped and gave me his full attention. Gerard looked at me too, his face was immediately painted with shock.

"I need help. Please." I pathetically went on.

"Stay right there, kid," the cop acknowledged me in his gruff voice. "Hold on."

He was pushing Gerard in the back of the car, and with the cop's back to me I pulled out my gun and started walking toward him. Gerard was shut away safely inside, and the cop turned around. The man spared a look of shock for a fleeting second and then started to reach for his own gun. I went into this only meaning to reason with the cop, to use the gun as a threat, but in these milliseconds it didn't seem like an option. I swear I didn't jump into this meaning to shoot anyone, but it felt like there was only one thing I could do to get out of this alive with Gerard. I pulled the trigger. And I pulled it again and again. Adrenaline was exploding through me. I never fired a gun before. At least one bullet missed hitting the driver side door, but at least one of them hit my intended target. It was too dark for me to tell where the bullet got him, but it was good enough of a hit that the cop crumpled to the ground.

I became frozen, my hold of the gun still aimed up at the target that had dropped and the shots of the gun ringing in my ears as I just stared at the cop's slumped down form. He laid there for a few seconds, a hand clutching at his chest where the bullet wound had to be. And then I saw it. A dark liquid steadily streaming through his fingers. Blood. The cop struggled to take in a few breaths and then the breathing stopped altogether. My mind was whirling. I just shot a man. I just killed a man. But I did it to save someone else, surely that didn't make what I did that horrible...

A loud thud snapped me out of it. I was Gerard hitting his shoulder against the car window where he was trapped inside. I hurried to the door and let him out.

"Shit. Frankie." Gerard just stared me down disbelievingly before he seemed to snap out of a shock. "Get the key out for me," he ordered next, nodding down to the fallen cop.

All I could do was nod and do as I was told. I tried to avoid looking at the bloody hole in the man's chest as I searched the belt he wore for the keys to the handcuffs. I dug them out quickly and freed Gerard only to have him swipe the gun out of my hand and aim it under the side of my jaw.

"You little shit. I should kill you for taking all the money, but I suppose this makes up for it." Gerard pulled the gun away and smiled. "You're like my knight in shining armor, Frankie. Shit luck I fucking end up stealing a car that was already stolen. Ah well, crisis averted." Gerard ruffled my hair and reached down to grab the cop's fallen gun.

"I... I'm sorry I left. I–"

"We'll discuss your reasoning behind this little stunt of yours later, I think. For now we have a bit of a mess to clean up."

"What are we gonna do with him?" I asked quietly, craning to look down either side of the road, expecting any second for a car full of witnesses to be heading our way.

"We're going to get rid of him." Gerard tucked the guns away in the back of his pants and moved to pull open the police car door. He pulled out the keys dangling from the ignition and quickly ran around to the other end of the car and opened the trunk. "Help me get him in here. I have an idea."

Gerard grabbed under the cop's arms, and I lifted at his legs. We hauled the heavy man up, struggling a bit with the very literal dead weight as we moved him the little ways to the back of the car. He was dumped unceremoniously into the trunk, limbs getting pushed in awkwardly to fit them inside. Gerard slammed the trunk door down and twirled the ring of keys around his finger with a grin.

"Step one, complete."

"We just leave him here?" I asked, chewing on my lip a little nervously. My heart was racing, but overall I was acting pretty calm despite the situation. Too fucking calm.

"Fuck no. He'll be found in a heartbeat. You must have passed that lake a few miles back if you took this road. We'll ditch the car and the body in there. So here's the plan, sugar: we're gonna move my shit into your car, I'll drive the pigmobile to the lake, and I'm gonna trust you to follow me in your wheels. Then we push that fucker down to sleep in the lake bed. Got it?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

And we did just that without a hitch. I followed and helped Gerard according to plan, the two of us lingering at the side of the lake a moment to watch the final bubbles surfacing on the water as the last of the air escaped the car. If the cop had miraculously only been wounded and unconscious, he sure as fuck was dead now. I let Gerard lead me back to the car and let him be the one to get behind the wheel. Gerard sped away from the scene, and I just stared out the window not really sure how to feel about everything that just happened.

"I can't believe you did that back there. Fucking shot a cop." Gerard chuckled to himself. "Didn't think you'd ever have something like that in you, sugar. I guess I owe you a thank you."

I just gave a small nod and remained silent. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically.

"Here," Gerard pulled one of the guns from where they were tucked in his jeans and held it out to me. "You kill a man, you get his gun or some shit like that. Considering everything you just did back there I'd hope I could trust you not to use it on me, partner."

"Partner?" God, the word made an insanely happy surge rush through me.

"Well, you're here on your own free will, aren't you? And if you wanna stick around I think you-"

"I do," I cut in. My gaze shifted to the gun in my hands as I spoke on. "I didn't mean to leave. Not really. I went back, but you were already gone. I wanna keep helping you. I know I'm probably nuts for thinking like this, but you made this crazy shit my reality. And I... I like it. I don't want it to stop. I wanna do this. I wanna hold a gun next to you. I wanna take what I want. I wanna make other people afraid. I'm done being the one that's always afraid."

"Well, shit," Gerard chuckled. "You are full of surprises. You know, I'll admit I was planning on killing you way back in the beginning; it's why I didn't give a shit about telling you my real name. But I've grown a little attached to you, sugar," Gerard glanced at me with a wink and tickled under my chin. "I left you free to go on purpose, you know? It took a lot out of me, but I couldn't kill you, and I couldn't bring myself to keep forcing you along either. You got under my skin in a very annoyingly good way. And then all this happens. Fuck. I never thought this would have been an option, but I think partners can work out just fine as long as you remember that I'm the one in charge. Can you remember that, Frankie?"

"I'll do what you say, I promise."

"Very good," Gerard grinned. "Now why don't you try to sleep, Frankie. You look tired. I'll find us somewhere to stay."

"Okay," I nodded and couldn't help the yawn that escaped me next as I stashed the gun away in the glove box.

~

It wasn't just another motel. When I had been gently shaken awake, it was day time and I found us stopped outside the grand glass lobby doors of a really nice hotel. Our bags were taken by a bellhop, and the car taken by a valet. I never caught the name of the place as Gerard got us a room and as we were led to it, but the place was huge and ritzy and nice as fuck. And our room, our room... I was sure it was three times the size of my old apartment. It had a small kitchen area, an expansive, luxurious living quarters with a big screen tv, a equally luxurious master bedroom, and this huge bathroom with a built in jacuzzi tub. There I was in ripped jeans and a ratty t-shirt. I so out of place being somewhere so upscale, but I wasn't about to complain.

Gerard was busy tipping the bellhop, and I strolled over to the large French doors that led out to a balcony that overlooked an impressive view of the ocean. I went on outside and lightly gripped onto the white railing as I gazed out at the view. The sand of the beach looked white and pristine and the water sparkling. I may have felt out of place right now, but I could definitely get used to staying at places like this. It wasn't long before I felt the presence of someone else beside me, and I looked over to see Gerard leaning against the rail, admiring the view as well.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"That doesn't matter," Gerard shrugged, still looking out over the water. "Just that we're here, and it's perfect. I thought after such a successful time together we could treat ourselves to a little vacation."

"Do we deserve a vacation?"

"Aw, now don't tell me you feel guilty about the money," Gerard was looking at me now and sighed.

"No," I let out a short chuckle at my answer. "I probably should, but I don't. But about the cop..." my voice quietly trailed off.

"Frankie," Gerard sighed again, slinging an arm over my shoulders and leading me back inside. "Why worry yourself over some random man you didn't even know. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sucks to be him." He pulled me down to sit with him on the large soft plush tan sofa in the room. "You did what you had to do. And no amount of feeling bad or sorry is going to change anything. What's in the past is in the past, and what's dead is dead. So my advice to you, sugar, is try not to worry about it, and just try to forget."

"It's not even about feeling guilty," I admitted, looking down at my fidgeting hands in my lap. "I mean, I do feel guilty I guess. I'm the reason he's dead, but... at the same time I kinda don't care? I killed someone and most of me doesn't care. That's what's fucking me up. I know I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant being able to get away with you."

"Sounds to me like you just need to bury the part that does care, and you'll be good as gold. You saved me, sugar. How about you just try to think of it that way?"

"I'll try." We were both quiet for a while, but then I decided to tell him something I never told anyone before. "You wanna know what my biggest fear was?" I kept my eyes glued to my lap as a spoke. "Don't make fun of me, 'cause I already know it's really stupid. I was insanely afraid of being captured and murdered by some kind of crazy killer. I guess I was captured by one, but who would have thought I'd end up a killer instead." I chuckled humorlessly at myself. I really was crazy but far beyond the point of caring.

Gerard ruffled my hair, a chuckle of his own leaving his lips. "Well, aren't we peas in a pod then. You know, killing is never a planned part of the end game. It's just, sometimes things happen and it can't be helped."

"How many people have you killed?" I looked to him and asked.

"Does it matter?" he questioned back without missing a beat.

The truthful answer and the disturbing answer were one in the same: it didn't matter to me. It probably should have, but it didn't. He could have told me it had only been that mugger in the alley or said it was over a hundred, and I wouldn't have cared. Gerard wasn't someone I was scared of anymore. He wouldn't hurt me. I trusted him, and I know he trusted me.

"No," I answered.

"Then let's leave it a mystery, shall we? Now, come on." Gerard got to his feet and motioned for me to do the same. "Come check out the bedroom with me. I haven't really looked around."

I got up and followed, lingering just inside the doorway as I watched Gerard kick off his shoes and climb onto the king sized bed so he was standing tall at the end. I watched with an amused smile as Gerard flung out his arms and just let himself fall back onto the mattress.

"Damn, this is the most comfortable bed I've ever laid on," Gerard commented. He scooted up a little higher on the bed so his head rested on a pillow, and he looked to me, folding his arms up behind his head. "I figure we can share it. That's okay, isn't it, Frankie?"

"That's fine," I nodded, walking over to stand at the foot of the bed.

"Good. Come on lay down with me. Seriously, it's so fucking comfortable."

I did as he was told, toeing off my shoes before crawling on from the foot of the bed and laying down on my back next to Gerard. I rested my head back on a pillow and sighed. Gerard was right, the bed was so soft. It felt like my body was melting into it. The two of us stayed quiet for a while. I was just appreciating this amazing place I was going to get to live in for a few days or so, and it didn't bother me for a second that I owed it all to thievery. It was Gerard that finally broke the silence, turning on to his side so he was facing me.

"So Frankie," Gerard shifted a little closer, and soon I felt his finger trace over the tattoos on my arm. I didn't flinch. It actually felt nice. "Am I really so charming that you really want to stick around and take up a despicable life of crime?"

"It's exciting," I answered after a moment, turning my head to watch Gerard. "You're exciting. I'm just hoping with all future plans I can stick with wearing pants though."

"Aw, but you're so pretty all dolled up," Gerard joked with a smirked. He kept his hand moving, gently trailing up to my neck and the side of my face. His fingers then came to play with the strands of my hair, delicately twirling the locks.

I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes. I had no objections. Lying there comfortably and letting my former captor touch and almost cuddle with me probably should have been weird, but I didn't feel shy or wrong about it. The man had successfully flipped my life into another direction, and I was more than excited for that. As far as I was concerned, Gerard had saved me from a mundane, lonely existence. And as far as I was concerned at this moment, Gerard was absolutely amazing for giving me this kind of affectionate attention. I starved for it most of my life. Now that I trusted him I couldn't help but just want to soak it all in.

"You know I was thinking," Gerard spoke up again, continuing to play with my dark locks, "we could get a permanent place to stay at when we're taking a break from our...illicit monetary acquirements. We could call it our secret lair and everything." I laughed loudly at the descriptions. "Why Frankie, I don't think I've ever heard you really laugh before. Too cute, sugar."

I almost blushed at that and opened my eyes, turning on to my side as well so I could face Gerard. "How are we gonna stay somewhere?"

"Let's just say I've got more money than you can imagine me having all tucked away nice and safe. We can get a place wherever we want. Would you like that, Frankie? Just you, me, and the bat cave?"

I laughed softly again and nodded my head. "I'd like that a lot." I believed one hundred percent that the nightmare I lived through was absolutely worth it to end up where I was now. Sure this new life I was taking up was less than honest, but it was raw and real and exciting. And it had Gerard in it.

"Excellent, 'cause I think you and me should stick together. This life can be a bitch and kinda lonely doing it all yourself," Gerard began to gently stroke his fingers up and down over my jaw. "We can watch each other's backs, yeah? Keep each other company. Help each other out with our needs..."

More of that simple attention, those touches, those words; I felt myself turning into putty in Gerard's hands. And I liked it. Gerard was someone different from the beginning of our time together. The 'domineering bastard' was definitely part of Gerard's personality, but he wasn't putting any gun to my head, no threats. The feel of Gerard's touch was oddly loving. With a life mostly deprived of such feeling, I fucking basked in it. I never even really got these moments of loving touches from Kris. But I was getting it now, and I just couldn't help it. I wanted more. I seized a hold of Gerard's face and crashed our lips together. Gerard was shocked at first, but that kiss was readily accepted and deepened. Our lips jigsawed together, our tongues battled and tasted. And that kiss lasted until we both desperately needed breath. Gerard definitely enjoyed it and so did I, but I instantly became a bit shy and unsure if that was such a good thing to do.

"Why Frankie," Gerard smirked, slipping a hand underneath the front of my shirt, gliding his fingers over bare skin,"I really have corrupted you."

I bit at my kiss swollen lip and smiled, feeling my muscles flutter as Gerard's fingers crept under the waist of my jeans. "I guess so."

"You know sugar doll, I think this partners thing is going to work out just fine."

Notes