---

Watching someone you love grieve is just like watching them die. Except there is no end to their sad eyes and puffy cheeks. No release of their sorrow or sadness when they find peace. Just aching hearts and bitter rows which always ended up with them lying beneath that mirror stealing kisses and promising to never to leave each other. One of the very few rows, the most recent, didn’t end like that. It was cold and ruthless and it was all caused by Franks built up emotions.

Christmas was just around the corner. Frank had basically permanently, but non-officially, moved into Gerard’s apartment and there two lives seemed to meld into one. Frank supported the idea of Christmas in LA with Mikey and the now pregnant Kristen, but Gerard refused.

‘Frank, we are going to LA in three months anyway for the wedding. And they probably just want to be left in peace; it is their last Christmas before the little one is born.’ Gerard was at his desk typing away on his laptop. Frank was behind him leaning over the kitchen counter eyelids pressed together; building tension. ‘Anyway, don’t you wanna spend it with you mom?’

‘Do you wanna spend Christmas with my mom!’ Frank snapped slightly, but Gerard didn’t flinch he had become accustomed to that tone and sometimes he wished Frank would just explode. Get it all out of his system and just go back to how he was before. Gerard turned slowly around smiles softly.

‘Of course, I wanna spend time with you mom.’ Gerard hadn’t actually gotten around to meeting the younger’s mother, but he knew he was going to love her anyway.

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Frank muttered pulling his hands through his hair.

‘How was she this weekend?’ Gerard piped up after a moment of silence.

‘She was good. She was fine.’ Frank sighed pushing a smile across his worn lips. Gerard rolled his eyes and stood up moving over the kitchen.

‘Why don’t we bring her here for Christmas. We can sleep on the pullout futon and she can take my bed? We can cook her Christmas dinner and take her ice skating or she and I can watch you ice skating.’ Frank giggled. ‘She can go shopping or we can take her to the milkshake place, they do the best hot chocolate. We can be the most touristy New Yorkers and look all in awe when we walk past times square and let her take cheesy photos of us!’ Gerard smiled down at him.

‘I think she’d love that. She has only been to visit me once since I moved out here.’ Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's waist. ‘Thank you, G.’ Gerard kissed on the forehead lightly before mumbling.

‘Anything for you Frankie.’ The stood like that for a while before Gerard plucked up the courage to ask the question which seemed to always cause an argument, but this time he hoped it was different. ‘Are you okay?’ Frank sighed and physically slumped in Gerard's arms as if he just couldn’t last another argument.

‘I told you, Gee, I am fine!’ Frank moved away from him. ‘Please stop asking.’

‘You aren’t fine…for goodness sake Frank!’ Gerard shouted slightly feeling his own anger rise. Maybe this is what needed to happen though he needed to poke the fire till it roared.

‘What? Gerard, I don’t understand why you are getting all worked up’ Frank spat bitterly feeling his own mind twist into a rage, but he never rose to it ever. He usually gave in and kissed Gerard severely at this point in the argument making Gerard melt and forgive him for not being open. Usually, Gerard would give up right about now…

‘Because!’ Gerard turned and spat. ‘Show me! Show me that there is something inside that beautiful mind of yours! Show me what you’re thinking! Be Frank again just for one moment and speak your mind. Show me my Frankie isn't dead.’ Gerard was breathless and all he wanted to do was pull Frank into him and feel him. Smell him. Be close to him. But he knew he had to do this.

‘Do you really wanna know?’ Frank screamed. Gerard nodded hesitantly. ‘I jump at every single buzz of my phone. I answer calls with tears in my eyes hoping, praying, that it isn't some doctor on the other end telling me she’s dead. I can barely enjoy anything anymore cause everything reminds me of her. The albums she played when I was a kid. The mocking laugh whenever I wear skinny jeans. Her smile when I talk about you. Honestly, I could live without listening to music or drinking coffee cause she always has a cup in her hand and I could even live without wearing those tight jeans, but I can't live without you. You remind me of her. You remind me of the life she wants us to have. You remind me of her whimsical talks of kids and marriage. You remind me that she will never meet her grandkids or see her son marry his love. You remind me of her smile. And do you know what's worse? I regret convincing her to take the treatment that will extend her life. I hate myself for talking her into the chemo.’ He stops for a moment feeling this heavy weight of the chains around his heart loosen. Gerard is too shocked to do anything. ‘She started losing her hair, G.’ Gerard closed his eyes and Frank hiccuped. ‘Her eyes are all frozen over with pain constantly and she’s gotten so thin. Her lips are grey and her skin is pure white. Every time I see her she gets older and older. And that's a constant reminder that she isn’t gonna last much longer. I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s my mom.’ He sobbed finally letting Gerard pull him closer.

‘Let it out, Frank. Please don’t keep this all locked up inside it isn't good.’ Gerard whispered.

‘It hurts G.’ He cried a little harder. ‘It hurts all over.’ Gerard could feel him shaking and sobbing in his arms and he could also feel the built up anger and sadness leave as his mind.

---

‘Everywhere she dies. Everywhere I go she dies.
No sunrise, no city square, no lurking beautiful mountain
but has her death in it.
The silence of her dying sounds through
the carousel of language, it's a web
on which laughter stitches itself. How can my hand
clasp another's when between them
is that thick death, that intolerable distance?
She grieves for my grief. Dying, she tells me
that bird dives from the sun, that fish
leaps into it. No crocus is carved more gently
than the way her dying
shapes my mind. – But I hear, too,
the other words,
black words that make the sound
of soundlessness, that name the nowhere
she is continuously going into.
Ever since she died
she can't stop dying. She makes me
her elegy. I am a walking masterpiece,
a true fiction
of the ugliness of death.
I am her sad music.’
~Memorial, Norman McCaig.

---

‘It’s a little girl…’ Mikey mumbled smiling that same old smile and making Gerard laugh joyously. He pulled his phone closer so that he could show Mikey just how bright his smile was.

‘A baby girl?’ Gerard laughed again causing Mikey to cringe at the loudness before shaking his head and smiling again through the camera. He leaned back.

‘Yes, G, A little baby girl.’ Mikey smiled brightly before shifting slightly in his chair and taking a deep breath. ‘Hows Frank?’ Gerard nodded slightly moving back from the camera.

‘He’s doing better. He goes through to NJ more and I think it's helping him become more accepting of it and now that he is finally talking about what he is feeling. Although he doesn’t really need to tell me anymore. I can just see his eyes flicker and then boom. I am taking him out tonight with Lindsey and Jimmy to go get some milkshakes and distract him a little.’ Mikey nodded before yawning slightly. ‘Shit, what time is it there?’

‘Ehh,’ Mikey squinted at the clock on the wall. ‘Its 1 am.’ Gerard giggled.

‘Sorry, sorry I forgot you aren’t 3 hours behind me anymore, how is Italy?’ Gerard mumbled wishing he was somewhere hot right now.

‘Its good! Kris is loving the sun and the food, defiantly the food.’ He laughed. ‘Though she is feeling a little insecure in her bathing suits. She’s four months in, she barely has a bump, but I guess its the hormones. She looked beautiful, though. I always thought it was a lie, but she does glow and I can’t believe I got so lucky.’ He smiled wildly causing Gerard to smirk back. ‘Anyway, I gotta go. It is 1 am and we are going to Rome tomorrow.’

‘Oh, have fun! And sweet dreams Mikes.’The phone cut off and Gerard lay back on his sofa and looked at his watch. 6pm. Frank should be home from work in about an hour. He smiled to himself feeling his heart blunder away. A little girl. A baby Way. He is going to be an uncle and Mikey gonna be a dad? He closed his eyes and let thoughts and images flood his mind. Mellow his broken thoughts. He falls asleep like that. Spread out on his flea market sofa dreaming of the future.

‘Gerard?’ Frank spoke softly ruffling his boyfriend's red locks and smiling down at him. ‘Wake up you idiot!’ He moved to sit on him, straddling his stomach, making the older peer over his cloud of sleep and dreaming to smile. Frank smiled down leaning to kiss him softly on the cheek. He didn’t pull away though he just leaned into his neck and sighed deeply. ‘I’m exhausted.’ Gerard mumbled a quiet ditto causing Frank to chuckle and push himself up so that he was hovering over him. ‘Gerard I just spent 6 hours cycling around New York City delivering pizzas! You are still in your PJ’s from when I left at 1!’ Gerard giggled shaking his head.

‘I already told you that you could use my car.’ Frank grinned sitting up fully and gesturing to his body.

‘I need to keep myself looking good for my man!’ Frank laughed and then squirmed when Gerard grabbed his hips.

‘You are perfect.’ Gerard whispered up at him causing the younger to blush.

‘So are you.’ Frank whispered back.

‘Sorry to interrupt, but like we have plans so if you could remove yourself from one and other and stop being gross that would be great!’ Lindsey called bitterly causing the two to look over to the door where she and Jimmy were smiling over at the two.

‘NO!’ Jimmy mumbled. ‘Keep going. I wanna see where this goes…’ Lindsey slapped Jimmy across the head causing Frank to blush. ‘Just pretend I’m not here.’ Gerard laughed while almost lifting Frank off his lap while sitting up. Frank squealed slightly before sitting next to Gerard securely. Jimmy and Lindsey trotted in happily placing themselves of the variety of mix matched chairs in the room. Gerard wrapped an arm around Frank waist protectively smiling over at his to friends who were grinning back. ‘So, milkshakes?’ Jimmy said plainly the words bumbling around the room and bouncing off the walls before anyone dared to answer. Gerard nodded and Lindsey sniggered.

‘Poor Jimmy.’ Lindsey said teasingly. ‘Can’t get his drink on cause we got a minor in our clique now?’ Jimmy scrunches up his nose and shoots a look over at Lindsey which screams ‘shut the fuck up’. Frank looks down at his hands and frowns. ‘Don’t worry Frankie. We like you better than Jimmy anyway.’ She sniggered.

‘True.’ Jimmy said leaning over slightly as if to get closer to the youngster. ‘I’d hang out with Frank over me any day.’ Gerard smirked and squeezed Franks side supportively.

‘Only because you have a huge crush on him. Anyway, it's not like Franks a goody two
shoes going from your drinking game at Halloween I’d say our little Frankies a pro drinker.’ Lindsey giggled.

‘True you were sneaking gulps of my wine when we had dinner with my parents.’ Gerard said casually, he seemed to have accepted that night now that he had had a few months to mull over the events. ‘Had to get a cab, because our responsible under-twenty-one-er was drinking my wine.’ Frank shot Gerard a look.

’Says the guy who I caught casually drinking a beer at 6 am.’ Frank sniped slightly causing Jimmy to mumble ‘Lovers tiff’ over to Lindsey.

‘In my defense, I had lost 12 hours and thought it was night time.’ Gerard argued back causing Frank to roll his eyes.

‘Okay, okay. I get it.’ Lindsey grumbled standing up. ‘You all have alcohol problems now can we go get some milkshakes I’ve been thinking about a Nutella and banana shake all day!’ The three men smiled and untangled themselves from their spots in the colorful room and ventured out into the cold.

Frank shivered and he settled down into the booth and begged his body to absorb the heat in the place faster so that he didn’t lose a limb from frostbite. Gerard opposite him smiling over and giggling at Franks overreaction to the weather. Jimmy collapsed beside Gerard
dramatically and smirked up at him. Before turning his attention to the menu and scanning it intensely. Frank still suffered silently leaning into Lindsey who seemed to radiate warmth. The old man with his wispy grey hair waddled over to their table and smiles that the young group. He recognised Lindsey and Gerard like he always did and asked them what they wanted.

‘Nutella and Banana for the lady, Peanut Butter and Oreo for myself ’ Gerard muttered before looking over at the menu to what Jimmy was staring at. ’Strawberry for the gentlemen and..’ He glanced over at Frank knowing exactly what he wanted. ‘A hot chocolate for the currently out of hibernation winnie the pooh over there.’ The man giggled and asked if he wanted marshmallows with it. Gerard answered for him. ‘No, unless you have gelatine free ones?’ The man nodded before grabbing their menus and moving back to the bar.

‘You know I can speak for myself.’ Frank said rolling his eyes and smirking over at the older man.

‘I know, but you need to conserve all your energy for warmth since you are such a drama queen.’ Gerard mocked kicking Frank under the table and raising his eyebrows slightly when Frank smiled.

‘Its cold. Especially too cold for milkshakes!’ He argued trying to stop himself from smiling.
‘Not that cold!’ Lindsey barked in flicking Frank against the ear. ’Never too cold for milkshakes.’ She huffed out staring over to the bar where the man was preparing their shakes. Jimmy started mumbling to Lindsey about a new song idea scribbling intensely on one of the napkins in front of them. Frank smiles over at Gerard giggling noticing the pen wedged between his ear and head. Gerard squinted slightly tapping his head feeling around for the object that is catching the youngers eye. Finally, he claps onto the pen and smiles pulling it down into his hand and playing with it for a moment before grabbing Franks hand and pulling it over to his side of the table. Frank squirmed at the feeling of the pen dragging across the palm of his hand. Frank snatched his hand back and looked down at the words he had written.

‘I love you.’

Frank blushed pulling his hand underneath the table to stare at it mesmerized by the words that tickled his pale skin. Suddenly a mug of steaming chocolate goodness was slammed in front of him pulling him back into the room. He smiled up quickly at the man, a thankful smile gleaming with happiness. Gerard was ultimately glad to see an unshakable smile plastered on the younger's face as Franks poor features had been plagued by an overwhelming sheet of sadness which seeped into every emotion no matter how true it was. Lindsey was happily slurping on her sugary drink as Jimmy continued to talk at her vibrantly muttering about music terms which fluttered over Gerard's brain and past him. Frank grabbed his cup and took and gulp relaxing into the warmth of the drink and smiling over at the silent man across from him. Gerard winked tapping Franks foot with his own and recalling his conversation with Mikey earlier. A baby girl. He was going to be an uncle. He wonders if Frank will see it like that if he feels part of the family to the extent of being the child’s uncle, Gerard hopes he does. He waits for the conversation to mellow before bundling his big news onto the table and taking all the attention for himself.

‘Mikey called earlier.’ The statement was aimed at the whole table, but Gerard’s eyes were locked with Franks as he widened them and smiled over at Gerard. ‘Yeah.’ Lindsey and jimmy stopped slurping from their, nearly finished, shakes to listen. ‘It’s a little girl.’ Lindsey squeals loudly causing Gerard to hush her. Jimmy clapped excitedly and Frank smiled teeth and all.

‘Uncle Geebear!’ Lindsey said hugging Gerard tightly, before turning to Frank, beaming. ‘And Uncle Frankie!’ She moved her head in a weirdly excited wave before grabbing her phone.

‘Yeah.’ Frank mumbled quietly letting it sink in. ‘I guess.’ He scratched the back of his neck nervously until Gerard caught his wandering eye and shot him a settling smile.

‘Oh, I need to buy her some cute docs or something!’ Lindsey squealed tapping on her phone and giggling at the little boots before turning the phone to show Frank and Jimmy. They both awed simultaneously, but Gerard just watched. Frank and him were an official couple and had been for a while, but it wasn’t until this moment he realised just how real this all was. Because only a few months ago Frank was the cute punk guy who liked Stephen King and would always buy Gerard recommended comic book of the month. And now he was part of his unconventional, fucked up family. And he couldn’t be happier.

---

The spider's web obscures my vision
A patterned obstacle
Droplets of water decorate the arachnids
dining table.
I can see shrubbery beyond the reflective embellishment
But what if it is too far out of reach.
A broken picture scuffed with age, stomachacaches.
-C

---

Gerard hadn’t been slacking. He was just sedated within the crooked shop, mesmerised by the books and surely not daydreaming. The card floated through his letterbox this morning and he had hidden it straight away, underneath the chicken in his fridge where he knew Frank would never look, he still hadn’t decided if he was going to tell Frank. He already had so much rattling around that brain he seemed to store beneath his hair- his mother, his applications to college, work- the last thing he needed was to worry about a stupid art thing. The truth was that Gerard had been chosen to display his final project for art school in one of the most prestigious art galleries in the city and while Gerard could be happier; his subject matter frightened him. The rattle of the bell which signified a customer broke Gerard from is hazy daydream worry and launched him into a fiery pit of real life panic.

‘What is this?’ In Franks, hands were the letter. The invitation. How the fuck did he find it. He shook it violently as he stalked into the shop as if to hurry Gerard for an answer. ‘And why was it under the chicken?’ Gerard’s jaw slackened and his lips parted as if he was going to speak, but nothing had been processed in his mind yet. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?’ Frank wasn’t angry, far from it, he was bewildered.

‘Why did you touch the chicken?’ Gerard spat the first thing he could fathom into the dusty air and hoped it would be enough to tide him over until he could think of something else to say.
‘Well.’ Frank elongated the vowel and smirked slightly. ‘When I got up at noon because someone left for work without getting me up, I decided I would make you a salad and bring it to you for lunch because that's what good boyfriends do…and then I saw this.’ Frank huffed walking forward to the desk. ‘Why did you hide it?’ Gerard gulped and smiled.

‘I just didn’t want you to worry about it or feel obliged or you know…’ Gerard grumbled trying not to make Frank nervous. He nodded and then smiled.

‘What is it?’ Gerard cocked his head and frowned.

‘You didn’t open it?’ Frank shook his head.

‘It was addressed to you, not me, and I would’ve just ignored it if it wasn’t for the fact that you were obviously hiding it from me. ‘ Gerard cursed himself. Of course Frank wouldn’t open a letter addressed to him. He could’ve just left it on the coffee table. Frank laughed almost as if he could see Gerard work out where he had gone wrong.

‘It’s an invitation.’ Gerard breathed out slowly. ‘To a gallery opening for my work.’ Frank eyes went wide before grinning widely. ‘I got the gig. My work was the best in my class and they are putting on a function this Saturday.’ Frank almost leaped across the front desk to hug Gerard tightly.

‘Thats amazing! I am so proud.’ Frank mumbled into his ear making Gerard’s face break out into the biggest grin. ‘I am getting to come, right? I don’t know why you felt like I wouldn’t wanna go.’ Gerard nodded noting to himself that he was more worried about Franks reaction.

‘Oh, I gotta get out my nice suit and everything!’ Gerard laughed watching as Frank leaned back and started throwing his hands around and excitedly talking about how thrilling it all was.
And all Gerard could think about was….

‘The epitome of prepossessing.’

Notes

So...No one has really commented/taken an interest in this fic for a few chapters so I feel like no one really cares. IDK, I wrote this chapter wanting to extend the story so that it would last another 10 chapters, but i might just wrap it up in 2 or 3 if no one really wants to read it...Anyway...If anyone is actually reading this...till next time.
Also I hope you enjoyed the poems.

-C