Bookworms Anonymous

Gerard sat at his desk scribbling away and humming along to the speakers which were churning out a shuffle of songs from Franks iPod which he had required from him the last time he came over because he had better music than G. His hair was sticky with grease, his stomach howling for food and his eyes swimming in tired tears. He was so concentrated on this small part of his project that he didn’t notice when Frank came in and started ranting behind him.

‘I leave you for two..TWO days and I come back to this.’ The ‘this’ he had come back to was a sleep deprived Gerard, a mess of an apartment and a stench that was either coming from the rotting plates in the sink or Gerard’s unwashed form. ‘Have you even left the house? Have you slept? He was washing dishes and ranting to himself as Gerard continued to scribble frantically. ‘God, you haven’t even realised I am here have you?’ The utter silence from his boyfriend confirmed to Frank what he had feared. ‘Gerard?’ He moved closer to the mountain of paper that use to be a desk. ‘Gee?’ Frank placed his hands onto his shoulders and squeezed softly causing Gerard to stop suddenly and relax into the grip.

‘Hey, Frankie.’ Gerard mumbled the words getting trapped in his throat and his lips sticky from not talking for days. ‘How long this time?’ He smiled looking out his giant windows to see daylight. He can remember the last time he was aware of his movements it was nighttime and Frank had just left. A whole night? A whole night and day? That would be a record.

’Two days, G.’ Gerard groaned, yes of course. Frank was leaving to go see him mom over the weekend. Two days he’d been out. He lost two days. ‘It’s okay…you’re okay.’

‘Oh god, I stink.’ Gerard grimaced.

‘No, actually thats Friday night lasagne’s unwashed dishes that are collecting mold in your sink.’ Frank tired to reassure.

‘Thats worse.’ Gerard quickly scooped up his bundle of sketches that had gathered over the past weekend and filled them away messily feeling sleepiness spread through every fibre of his body slowly switching off every nerve. He yawned. ‘Hows your mom?’ He said through the yawn turning to Frank.

’She’s fine. She’s great! She wants to meet you.’ Frank muttered out quickly trying not to let emotion seep through his words. Gerard rolled his eyes and smiled back weakly.

‘Yeah let's keep parent out of it for a little while longer, I can't deal with that again.’ They both giggled knowingly and Frank settled in Gerard’s lap, not caring if he stank of two day sweat and coffee breathe. During Gerard’s zoning out phases where he would lose time and all knowledge of the outside world he would still somehow drink coffee.

‘Big difference is, is that my mom okay with the whole gay thing.’ Gerard giggled sleepily settling his head onto Franks side and feeling sleep take over.

‘No!’ Frank moaned shaking the older man. ‘You cant fuck up your sleep pattern you have to wait till tonight to sleep or it’ll just make it worse.’ Gerard groaned but gave in. ‘You should shower’ Frank mumbled dragging Gerard up by his hands.

‘You should join me.’ Gerard said sleepily falling into Frank slightly.

‘I know you don’t want that.’ Frank smiled.

‘I do.’ Gerard argued. Frank gives him the look. The little raise of the eyebrow and wide grin that look, Gerard, both loves and hates.

‘You’re right. It’s too soon.’ He gives in stumbling towards the bathroom, but not before shouting back. ‘But, I’ll get that ass someday Iero.’

‘And what makes you think I am the bottom.’ Frank shouts back smirking.

‘Honey.’ Gerard pops his head back around the wall so that he can see Frank. ‘Have you met you? You scream submissive.’ He winked.

‘It takes a lot to make me scream GWay.’ Frank retorted rolling his eyes and moving back to the kitchen.

‘And I can’t wait to hear.’ Frank giggled picking up the a plate and beginning to scrub again. He smiled hearing the water starting to run and the rumble of the pipes that ran through the old apartment. Frank loved this apartment. Mismatched furniture, paint splatter, coffee rings and bright colours. The whole place was open planned and bright and sprinkled with multicoloured from the yellow sofa to the bright pink bookcase and the lime green rug that was his favourite. He sometimes wondered if Gerard would miss the rug and how good it would look in his living room. His apartment. Tiny, cramped, dull compared to Gee’s. Thing is Frank liked his apartment and he liked living on his own until he got just a taste of what living with Gerard would be like. That was something utterly undescribible. Waking up in Gerards flea market bed with the handmade covers staring up at the mural he had painted on the roof and the bright green walls and then across to the beautiful man who radiated warmth next to him who had his storng arms wrapped around him keeping him safe to all that lurked in the big bad world. That was the best way to wake up. That why Frank started to despise waking up in his own apartment. Cold, white walls, black carpet, same old posters on the wall and same cracked ceiling above him.

Gerard was singing some song Frank couldnt make out as he showered happily making Frank smile brightly down at the finally clean sink. Next he started on the mountain of cups on and around Gerard cluttered desk. His desk was a old 40’s dresser he had taken the mirror off and suspended on the roof instead so if you were lying on Gerard’s green run, which they did often, you could see not only your reflection but the whole room. Gerard said that it made him feel safe. He said it was stupid. But Frank got that cause when his neighbour asked him why he hadn’t stayed in his own flat for the past two weeks Frank could only find one answer. He just felt safe. Frank sat down of the green rug and looked up catching his tired eyes and greased up hair in the mirror. Gerard actually looked half decent compared to him. Frank sighed smiling up at the mirror sucking in a breath and all the sadness in his aura in at once. Frank mother wasn’t great. She wasn’t fine. She was dying. Frank had known for a few months that she was ill, but now they had been given a time frame. The doctor said he saw her living another year maybe two, she only felt like she could keep going for 6 more months and Frank could only see a couple of months of life and light left in her eyes. He let a single tear fall down his cheek before laying down on the carpet giving in on tidying and feeling like he needed to feel safe for a moment.

‘You can see every part of the room.’ He muttered back to himself the words Gerard had once whispered in his ear when the lay on the rug. Finding his eyes wondering to every nook and cranny of the bright room. The pots of paint stacked up high, the blank canvases piled in the back corner and the mismatched kitchen tiles Gerard liked to paint when he was bored. Frank was so intrigued by this view of his favourite room in the entire world that he didn’t hear the shower cut off or the padding footsteps of Gerard making his way to the living room and watched the boy look sadly up at the mirror. It wasn’t until Gerard had lain beside him that he looked over at him smiling through the mirror. The mirror helped mask how sad he felt.

‘Whats wrong?’ Gerard mumbled making eye contact with Frank through the mirror and seeing the sadness which was nearly over flowing from his eyes in the shape of tear drops.

‘Nothing’ Frank sniffed smiling and grabbing Gerard’s hand like he would keep him from falling further.

‘You look…sad.’ Gerard said simply. Frank shook his head feeling the tears settle at the edge of his eyes.

‘You’re right..’ Frank smiled up at him through the mirror. ‘About the mirror….About feeling safe.’ Gerard nodded squeezing his hand and giving him that look. The look that they both had shared in the intimate moments between the two. The moment Lindsey fell from the stage. Just before their first kiss. When Gerard had chased Frank from the shop begging him to stay. When Gerard’s world came tumbling down because of his own mother. ‘I just wanted to feel safe.’ Frank let go. Tear cascading down his olive skin turning into Gerard’s chest and sobbing loudly. ‘I just wanted to be safe for one moment.’ Gerard pulled his head into his chest and kissed his hair softly feeling his own eyes bubble.

‘What’s wrong Frankie.’ Gerard mumbled after Franks sobbing subsided to the occasional hiccup and sniffle. Frank pulled away.

‘I don’t wanna talk about it just yet.’ Gerard nodded feeling his own cheek dampen. ’Why are you crying?’ Gerard bit his lip.

‘It just hurts me so much to see you cry.’ Frank sniffed leaning his head on his shoulder and felt his breath hitch every time he breathed in.

‘I’m sorry.’ He stuttered out. Gerard didn’t say anything he just closed his eyes and pulled Frank closer. ‘Can we just stay like this for a little while longer?’ Frank mumbled.

Gerard only nodded and then said. ‘You can tell me anything Frankie.’

~~~~

This happened a week ago. Frank still hadn’t brought up that night or why he was crying or why he had cried himself to sleep on three occasions after that. Gerard always fell asleep before Frank. It had always been like that and so when Gerard was woken up by Frank sobbing quietly into his pillow beside him Gerard would say nothing. He would just turn around slowly and pull Frank around so that he was cuddled into his chest and could cry into his chest. So that he could feel safe. But Frank acted like it didn’t happen. He bottled it up. Gerard was okay for now, not knowing the details, he just wanted to be there for him. So when Frank came into his flat one Monday morning with cupcakes and coffee humming along to his iPod, that he’d stolen back, everything was normal. He placed their breakfast down onto the breakfast bar and danced his way down Gerard’s hall to his bedroom opening up without knocking.

Gerard squealed not hearing his boyfriend come in and he ended up pulling the quilt off his newly made bed to cover his naked torso. Frank giggled slightly pulling his earphones out and shooting Gerard a baffled look.

‘G, what are you doing?’ Frank stepped closer to him. His eyes were still heavy with sorrow masked by a big grin which Gerard one wasn’t fake, but it wasn’t a true smile.

‘I’m just…self-conscious.’ He muttered pulling the cover closer to his body.

‘You are topless in your bedroom G, not butt naked playing Madison Square Gardens.’ Frankie giggled pulling at the blanket which Gerard reacted to by squirming and pulling it closer. This caused Frank to get angry. ‘Please stop covering yourself up. You are so goddamn beautiful. You're unimaginably beautiful. You...I can't even put it into words. There's golden sunsets and then there's you. There's freshly cooked pancakes and syrup and then there's you. There's fresh, untouched snow and then there's you. There's the Paris in the spring and there's you…’

‘You've never been to Paris before.’ Gerard interrupted.

'That's beside the point. What I'm saying is that out of all the things in the world that are spectacular, wonderful, beautiful...you will always be my favourite view. My favourite place is with you. Your aftershave and goddamn coffee and paints are my favourite smells. Your lips are my favourite taste. Fucking hell Gee I think…’ Frank trailed off not being able to push the words out of his constricted throat.

‘You really do live inside of a romance novel don't you?’ Gerard laughed back at him

‘I love you.’ Frank said simply causing Gerard to drop the blanket in shock. Frank stepped back and coughed awkwardly.

‘You? You?’ Gerard muttered.

‘You don’t have to say it back.’ Frank smiled feeling stupid. So young, too young and stupid he cursed himself mentally. Gerard mouth opened and and closed a couple of times before he shook his head and grabbed Franks wrists and pulling him closer so that he would look at him again.

‘Why are you sad?’ Now it was Franks turn to be at a lost for words. He had been pretending it wasn’t real. Any of it. He had been avoiding anyones questioning and he appreciated Gerard’s avoidance of the subject. He had to tell him.

‘My mom, she’s dying.’ Gerard let go of Franks wrists and put his hand to his mouth. ‘Don’t worry. I’m done crying and being sad. I’m just learning to live with it.’ Frank’s face was still stained with sadness, covered in vulnerability and soaked in sorrow. But Gerard knew that Franks as being truthful. That didn’t stop him from pulling him into his bare chest and kissing the top of his head. ‘G, really I am fine.’ Franks lips moved against Gerard pale skin and his eyes stayed dry.

‘I love you.’ Gerard mumbled into Franks hair. They could’ve stayed like that, wrapped up in each other, for the rest of time. Letting the rest of the worlds spin without them.

Notes

Okay, I have some explaining to do I KNOW.

Firstly, yes I did just update again after two days. YOU ARE ALL WELCOME.

Secondly, the reasoning behind Franks mother's illness, which hasn't been planned from the get go like the whole fic, came along in the last month or two when I have been reading other fics and I've realized that grief isn't portrayed well in fanfiction. So this is my experience of grief which is the fact I bottled it up for weeks until it came out at the most randomest of times in the spouts of emotion. So if it seems abrupt then that's cause it is.

Thirdly, I wrote that scene where Frank said I love you for the first time since around May so I have been itching to let you guys read it. It was inspired by a poem/sonnet I wrote which I'll put below.

Love and hugs. Till next time. -C

Unreturnable Love

You lived your little life in the clouds
While I drowned in oceans of sorrow
You shone so brightly in all the crowds
I couldn’t see another tomorrow

You compared me to Paris in the spring
but you’d never been to Paris before
I made you promise never to sing
But all you could ever do was adore

me. And cherish all my hideous flaws
while I could only criticise your fault
you'd wait forever for my heart to thaw
but I never told you it was basalt

I drowned you and you kept me afloat
But I never loved you so I left this note.