Bookworms Anonymous

Frank was laying on his crisp newly washed sheets breathing in the fresh scent of his detergent and trying not to throw up. The whirlpool which was ripping through his body buzzing with anxiety and bitter panic consumed everything and even the comforting smell of his own bed made him feel ill. The plain white ceiling above him swirled his vision blurry with anticipation and burning with nervous tears. He couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was going to go wrong, because when has anything ever went right for him? It was a big day and he couldn't afford to let his mental inability to deal with anything even slightly stressful push him the edge and ultimately ruin everything. He was starfished across his bed mumbling calming words to himself…

‘Calm the fuck down.’

‘Everything will be fine if you just shut the fuck up brain.’

‘Seriously get a grip.’

Calming may be the wrong word to describe his pep talk. He was meant to meet him in ten minutes outside and be ready to leave. His overnight bag packed and resting beside him ready for his little weekend away. Weekend in New Jersey. Weekend with Gerard’s parents. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply feeling the scent of his freshly washed sheets start to irritate the sensitive skin inside of his nose causing him to grimace and forget for a second why he was hyperventilating. He settled on short shallow breathes which to an onlooker may have seemed panicked and worrying, but to Frank, it helped him focus his mind on something which wasn't this impending doom. He gripped onto the white sheets and tensed all the muscles in his body concentrating on relaxing one part at a time. First his toes he softened his muscles and moved them around concentrating on the feeling of his skin rubbing against his socks. Then his feet moving his ankles in circular motions and them his legs relaxing them and causing them to sink int0 the soft bed. By the time he had gotten to his shoulders rolling them around and counting in his head he had calmed down.

The eruption of a car horn from outside blasting into his meditative state caused him to jump from his spot and look up at his old alarm clock which sat beside his pillow.

‘Fuck’ He scampered to grab his boots pulling them on and forgetting completely about the laces.

‘Fuck’ He mumbled to himself as he grabbed his coat and shrugged it over his hunched shoulders not really caring if it was sitting awkwardly on him.

‘Fuck’ He muttered as he fumbled to lock the door before realising he had to forget to pick up his bag.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’ He spat through a smile as he stumbled towards the car which had Gerard sitting in the front seat and ‘Taxi for Mr. Iero? Destination ‘Your Living Hell’ printed metaphorically across its bumper.

‘Hello, sunshine!’ Gerard greeted him sarcastically. Frank huffed sinking onto the sticky leather on Gerard’s car. He frowned turning back to the road and beginning to drive towards their destination. ‘You okay, Frank?’ Gerard mumbled after Frank had sat there for five minutes breathing heavily.

‘Hmm?’ He looked up at him and smiled. ‘I’m good, more than good, I am great.’ He laughed nervously looking back out the window and breathing heavily again.

‘Yeah, you’re a really bad liar.’ Gerard smirked looking over at him quickly and then stopping at an intersection. Frank nodded slightly sighing and then resting his head in his hands never wanting to look up again. ‘You don’t have to be nervous. You are my friend. Remember? I am going to tell my mum I am gay, but she doesn’t have to know about you if you don’t want her to know.’ Frank nodded and looked up again at him.

‘It should be you that's freaking out and you seem so cool and calm and…look at me.’ Frank lifted his shaking hands to his eyes level and skiing his head. ‘I’m a mess (THE REFERENCE THO)’ Gerard laughed placing once of his hands over one of Franks shaking ones.
‘It’s okay. My mother is frightening, but she’s my mom so she has to love me no matter what. You…do not really have that advantage.’ Gerard squeezed and then took his hand away to change gear once he had felt Frank stop shaking.

‘She’s going to hate me isn’t she?’ Frank mumbled causing Gerard to sigh heavily and pull the car over into a lay-by. He turned quickly to Frank after putting the car into park and pulled his face towards him. Frank looked stunned and look Gerard in the eye for the first time in the whole half an hour drive. Gerard scanned him quickly his eyes taking in everything before he spoke.

‘You are beautiful and talented and gorgeous and smart and kind and wonderful and you make me happy and that's all a mother can want. So, no she won’t hate you, nobody could hate you.’ Frank smiled slightly and feeling almost teary. ‘Can I kiss you?’ Gerard asked quietly causing Frank to laugh slightly before nodding and letting him kiss him softly.

Once the passionate, but the quick kiss was over Frank took the opportunity to respond. ‘You don’t have to ask my permission, Gee.’
‘I know.’

~~~~~~

Frank heart was hammering in his chest the beat of a marching band. Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. Over and over again, getting faster and faster, and never stopping. Gerard trapped his hand seeing the panic wash over his face trying to comfort him as they stood on the sidewalk outside of Gerard’s childhood home.

‘Over that well-trimmed hedge is your parents and Mikey and…’ Frank stopped suddenly like he was trying not to upset himself.

‘My family is just as strange and dysfunctional as the next. They aren’t as perfect as their shrubs reflect them to be, I promise. Behind there is my childhood home where I fought with my kid brother and snuck in late after shows and was grounded and learned to play the piano and discovered gay porn and..’ Frank burst out laughing suddenly before shaking his head in disbelief. ‘And where I wrote my first comic and tried to dye my hair blue and for some reason just got teal roots, don’t ask, what I am trying to say is that that house is just like any other and my family as just like yours.’ He smiled and started to descend the garden path.

By the time they had gotten to the door Franks' heart had started to palpitate again and even the warmth of Gee’s hand wasn’t settling it. Gerard had only knocked for a moment and instantly the door was thrown open and Gee dropped his hand and stepped away from him slightly. Frank had to get used to not being as close to him this weekend. Gerard mom was blonde and dressed in a long bottle green dress which complimented her curvy figure and a pair of small black kitten feels her hair curled and an apron laced around her waist. She smiled brightly wrapping her arms around Gerard and cuddling him tightly and not even glancing at Frank.

‘Gerard! Honey,’ She pulled back looking him up and down before pulling at his shirt. ‘Are you eating properly? You are looking terribly thin.’ Gee smiled before nodding and telling his mother that she worried too much. ‘I know, but it's my job.’ She muttered before finally looking at Frank. ‘Where is Lindsey?’ She muttered smiling at frank politely but not speaking to him.

’She couldn’t make it and Frank offered to come out instead, he’s a friend of mine.’ Frank cringed inwardly at the way Gerard said ‘friend’, but still smiled up at her.

‘Oh, I was hoping to talk to her. Hello, Frank was it? I’ll have to set up the spare bedroom for you.’ She mumbled thinking to herself but still shaking his hand.

‘Thats, not a problem, momma, he can bunk in with me.’ Gerard argued not wanting to be totally separated from Frank all weekend.

‘Don’t be silly Gerard he can have the guest room.’ She dismissed him walking into the house and gesturing for the two of them to join her. Frank walked into the big house scanning the perfectly clean home and following the two. They walked directly into the living room where Mikey was sitting on the floor opposite a pretty young brunette, must’ve been his fiancé, both enthralled by a game of scrabble. An older man in a shirt and tie was sat in an armchair reading from an old-fashioned hardback novel. They all looked up when the three entered. The girl was the first to jump up and wrap her arms around Gerard squealing slightly. She was wearing a cute pink dress and knee socks she looked almost kid like if it wasn’t for her tattoo and piercing.
‘Gee bear! It’s been too long! How are you?’ She giggled swinging from his neck slightly.
‘I am good, Kris. How are you?’ He grinned down at her she nodded saying she was great and they both got into a deep conversation about something, but Frank could barely keep up especially after Mikey walked towards him.

‘Frank.’ Mikey said plainly scanning the younger man. ‘How are you?’ Frank nodded slightly not actually saying anything. ‘Don’t look so petrified.’ Mikey laughed placing his hand on his shoulder and lowering his voice slightly. ‘We all know, but mom thought you should know.’ Frank nodded gratefully smiling at him and turning to Gee who was over beside his dad talking quickly and excitedly so is was either about music, books or art Frank deduced as he walked over to the two.

‘Dad, this is Frank.’ Gerard said meekly blushing slightly as Donald shook Franks' hand and smiled at the boy.

‘Ah, yes Frank I’ve heard a bit about you; not enough mind you.’ His father spoke calmly and cooly like Mikey whilst Gee was much more like his mother. Frank laughed politely and settled down on the sofa beside Gerard making sure he kept his distance. ’So, son, where you from?’ He smiled goofily his little teeth poking out from under his thin lips all too much like Gerard.
‘Belleville.’ Frank said quietly smiling back.

‘Ah, what a small world eh? Living in the same town for all your lives and only meeting when you both coincidently move to one of the busiest cities on the planet.’ He remarked making Gerard turn his head to look at the smaller man next to him. They had never thought about it like that. ‘Must’ve been fate!’ Donald called standing up and gesturing for them to follow him into the hall. ‘I’ll just show Frank to his room.’ He says to his wife as they pass she nods to him before smiling at Kristin again who is playing with her engagement ring and glowing with happiness. It fills Frank with warmth. There were three floors to the house and Frank followed Gerard and his father up the first floor.

‘Thats mom and dads room.’ Gerard points to the door at the end of the corridor and Frank nods as they walk towards it. ‘Thats Mikes’ room and that's the bathroom.’ He points to the two doors on the left. ‘Thats the guest room’ There was only one more room left on the level and Frank was intrigued to find out where Gee’s room way. The guest room was simple, fresh and clean and Frank dumped his bag on the bed as Donald told them dinner would be ready in an hour. Frank turned to the taller man as soon as they were alone and smiled up at him.

‘Can I see your room?’ Gerard raised his eyebrow slightly smiling down at him before grabbing his small hand and dragging him down onto the ground floor. Frank looked around curiously before being pulled around to the back of the house to another set of stair leading down into a basement area. ‘Your bedroom is in the basement?’ He mumbled as the stood at the top of the stairs, Gerard nodded slightly before descending them and pulling Frank with him. ‘Oh my god, you’re such a cliche!’ He giggled before following him.

The room was nothing like the rest of the magnificent upper-class suburban New Jersey Home, not that Frank had expected it to be spotless and screaming elegance. It was unruly, splattered with mismatched furniture and smelled like day old coffee and charcoal. He gazed around the large space mesmerised by how much the room made his chest feel tight and his fingers twitch. In the corner a cleanly made bed, obviously ready for Gerard’s arrival, beside it a lamp that hung over the bed for late night reading or, in G’s case, late night sketching and then on the opposite wall huge floor to ceiling bookcases cluttered with random bursts of paperbacks and bundles of nicknacks. Frank turned and was met by the gleaming gaze of G who was looking at him from his desk where he was seated comfortably. Frank sauntered over lazily feeling the long day catch up with him. Gerard tapped his high slightly and Frank settled on his lap leaning his head on top of his and taking a deep breath.

‘I don’t think I can do this.’ Gerard mumbled solemnly causing a shockwave of energy to his Franks' heart and causing it beat erratically. Frank was about to ask what he meant but then Gee answered unquestioned. ‘We’ve been here for two hours and I haven’t been able to touch you or let my eyes linger on you or smile in the wrong way. All because of her.’ Frank snuggled closer turning his face slightly to give him an awkward but loving kiss on the forehead. ‘I really want to kiss you.’ He whispered quietly so that if anyone was listening in they wouldn’t hear. ‘Can I kiss you?’ The word was only shared between the two like the kiss that occurred only moments later. But it was short and sweet as the booming words from the ground floor interrupted their sacred moment.

Dinner was disgusting and although Frank had been warned by Gerard, Lindsey and Ray he just wasting expecting G’s mom's cooking to be this horrendous. But he ate it anyway because all he wanted in the entire world was for Donna to like him and for this evening to go smoothly for G. Conversation seemed to stay very clear from Frank aided by Mikey and Gerard who were stealing the light from him in fear someone slipped up. Basically, it was like Frank didn’t exist and that was okay. It was okay until Donna brought up Lindsey.

‘Have you met Lindsey, Frank?’ Donna mumbled through a mouthful of lumpy potatoes. Frank looked up from his newly full plate and smiled nodding slightly before gazing back down at them praying to every god he could think of in that moment that she would drop it. ‘Gerard, why is Lindsey not here?’ Gerard looked frantically around the room before he gulped down his food and began to speak.

’Busy.’ He mumbled and then when he felt Franks' hand lace with his and give a squeeze of reassurance Gerard gained the confidence to speak again. ’She was busy with band stuff.’
‘What a pity, I was wanting to ask her about when she was finally going to have my grandchildren.’ Frank choked momentarily on his mouthful of what he thought was chicken before moving his hand away from Gerard and wringing both of his between the table nervously.

‘Mom, me and Lindsey, we are just friends.’ Gerard began to explain before he was interrupted.
‘You broke up?’ Donna awed slightly placing her fork down and gazing over at Gerard with eyes filled to brim with sympathy.

‘No, no we were never together.’ The tension in the room seemed to spill out of everyone in that moment and make their meal float among the uneasiness. Mikey had his faced turned away from the two and looking only at his plate. Donald was staring at his wife intently ready to grab her if she started to bubble. Kris was watching both Gerard and Frank pouring love from her soul hoping to support the two from across the hostile table.

‘What do you mean, I thought…you never said…I just assumed…’ She spat every word individually full of an unbalanced mix or venom and confusion.

‘Yes and we just never said otherwise, but now things are different.’ Gerard whispered barely audible if it wasn’t for the eery silence that stuffed the room so full that nobody could breathe.
‘Whats different from the last time we spoke?’ Frank was ready to flee. Run for the hills and never look back. He did not want to be in the middle of this when she exploded. He didn’t be either of them to be there.

‘Lindsey….’ Gerard mumbled blinking rapidly trying to find a solution to the web of lies he had gotten himself tangled in. ‘She’s engaged.’ He closed his eyes squeezing them tightly and exhaling a shaky breath.

Everything after that was a blur for Gerard and Frank did recall the night to him later on the week. Before Gerard was aware of it he was hugging his family and saying goodnight and in bed all in a moment. He stared at the ceiling thinking about how close he got to saying it. How close he got to saying those three words. ‘I am gay.’ He mumbled to himself. Such an easy sentence no need to fuss over it. ‘I am gay.’ He said again feeling his chest batter against his blanket just saying it made him feel wrong. He doesn't know how long he stared at the ceiling for but the next thing he knew his bedroom door was squeaking open slightly and Frank peered round the door.

‘G? You awake….Gee?’ Frank whispered across the room causing Gerard sit up and squint his eyes slightly looking over at him. Frank wobbled over and stood at the bottom of his bed.

Gerard shook his head a little scrunched his eyebrows together in a questioning manner. ‘Don’t laugh.’ Frank mumbled sleepily rubbing his eyes. ‘Promise.’

‘Promise.’ Gerard groaned his voice crackling from hours of silence.

’There is a spider in my room. Can I sleep with you?’ Gerard coughed a little to cover up a giggle which escaped Frank crossed his arms and huffed slightly his messy bed hair falling in his eyes. Gerard nodded slightly before laying back in his bed. Frank placed a pillow he had been holding on the floor next to Gerard’s bed and lay down.

‘What are you doing?’ Gerard said leaning over the edge of his bed and staring down at Frank like he had just set fire to his favourite shirt.

‘Sleeping? I explained it! There is a spider in my room and…’ Frank was whispering loudly feeling exhausted and frustrated.

’No, you idiot, I mean why are you lying on the floor?’ Gerard giggled again leaning his hand out to Frank and pulling him up onto his bed. Frank snuggled close breathing in Gerard’s scent like it was his drug.

‘I missed you.’ Frank mumbled into Gerard’s ear nuzzling closely and smiling to himself. Gerard knew what he meant, even though he had been with him all day, he knew that Frank meant he missed his touch, his smell, and his presence. He knew this because he had missed Frank too. Frank seemed to fall asleep wrapped up in Gerard's arm very quickly leaving Gerard alone with his thoughts once more. He tried to stare at Frank and take in his everything. Frank opened his eyes slightly staring back after a while so Gerard decided to ask him a question that's been on his mind for a while. He smiled cheekily. ‘How do you make something so normal look so…’

‘So what?’ Frank whispered back groggily.

So….spectacular. No no that's wrong. Beautiful.’ He whispered making Frank smile before he realised why the whole conversation seemed familiar.

'Shut up.' He mumbled slapping G’s chest before snuggling closer and closing his eyes.
'What?' Gerard giggled starting to feel his eyes go together and sleep take him as he felt Franks breath against his neck and his heart beat against his chest.

'That's the same thing I said to you the night of our first date.' Frank started to fall back into sleep feeling Gerard’s arms securely around him protecting him.

'I know...'

'Shut up.'

Notes

I am back. Okay, so actual good excuse this time. I moved to Uni this week and have been busy and shit so don't expect any good uploads until I somehow work this into my schedule. ANYWAY! I loved writing the second half of this chapter and yeah im feeling ten time better about my writing so let hope it lasts! Please tell me what you think and share it around!!!

-C