You Never Needed Help

Gerard was asleep next to me when I woke up. His hair was messy on his face, fluttering a little each time he breathed out. He looked happy, excluding the dried tear trails on his cheeks. I shifted and his eyes flickered open, fixing on mine. His pupils were blown a little. I felt almost frozen, studying his face as his hand ran over my bare chest. Suddenly, he was touching my crotch, massaging lightly. I shivered and cried out, shoving him off the bed. He stared at me from the floor, then jumped up and ran out.
I laid there for almost fifteen minutes, trying to process what had just happened. I felt used.

Gerard knocked on the door just as I finished getting dressed. “Go away.”
“Frank. I'm sorry, come out.”
I sighed and opened the door. Gerard hugged me tightly, his face buried in my neck comfortably. I let him hug me, still feeling dazed and upset.
“We should take it more slowly.”
I took a sharp breath in and pushed him off me. “I'm not gay, Gerard.”
He grinned and shrugged. “So? We can have a little fun.”
I shoved his shoulder gently. “No! We can't. This is wrong, Gerard. We shouldn't.”
He stared at me for a couple seconds, then shoved me up against the wall, his hands everywhere I didn't want them to be. His lips connected with my neck and I rammed my knee into his junk.
“No!”
Gerard collapsed, shaking. I couldn't breathe, or feel my fingers. I could feel his body under my foot, the impact as I kicked him. I couldn't hear anything.

The emergency room was busy. I waited in one of the hard plastic chairs, trying to wipe the blood off my hands with Kleenex. Pete was silent. I was crying, I knew that, but I couldn't quite feel it.
Gerard limped out through the doors, his eyes fixed on the floor. I wanted to jump up and hug him, to comfort him. But Mikey was there already, glaring at me as he half carried his brother to my car. Pete rubbed my shoulder gently, saying something to me. I got up, walking slowly. Pete drove us home, and Mikey walked Gerard straight to bed.
Mikey left, but Pete stayed on the couch with me, holding my hand as I shook and cried.
All I could think about was Gerard spitting blood on the carpet, begging me to stop. I buried my face in my hands and Pete hugged me tightly. “I'm a little mad at you. You shouldn't have hurt Gerard. But I know you wouldn't do that unless something was really wrong. I understand.”
I shook and sobbed, leaning into Pete. After what felt like hours, a thin hand brushed over my back and Gerard sat down next to me, stroking my arm.
I looked at him. He was crying too, but not nearly as much as I was. I tried to touch one of the bruises on his face, but he dodged my hand.
“Come to bed, Frank.”
I sniffled and shook my head. “I don't deserve it.”
“You have nightmares. Every night. I know that.”
Pete stared at me. I almost slapped Gerard.
“Please Frank. You sleep better when I'm there.”
I shivered and looked down at my hands.
“I just want to know what the nightmares are about.”
I shook my head quickly, a fresh round of tears soaking the front of my shirt. “I can't talk about it.”
Gerard sighed and gently grabbed my hand, holding it tightly. “Just...tell me, tell me something.”
I wiped my eyes carefully and took a deep breath. “Something really bad happened to me a really long time ago.”
Gerard nodded and squeezed my hand gently. Pete looked worried, leaning into my shoulder.
“I can't talk about it. Not yet. But it's...I hurt you because of it.”
Gerard rubbed the back of my hand lightly. “I kinda guessed. I hope you can talk to me one day, yeah?”
I nodded and let him lead me to bed.

Gerard was getting undressed. His shirt was off and I could see the horrible bruises I’d left all over his chest and ribs. He noticed me looking and smiled sadly. “I'm okay.”
I sighed and rolled towards him slightly, sniffling. “If you say so.”
“I do.”
I stared at him as he got naked. I was so focused on his face that I barely even noticed his lack of clothing.
“I'm gonna take a shower.”
I watched him go, shivering. I checked the time. 5:47. I'd slept nearly 24 hours. I sighed and heaved myself up, deciding to order takeout. I called while Gerard was in the shower, then curled up on the couch. After about half an hour, Gerard walked over in his pajamas, his hair damp. I smiled at him and shifted awkwardly. He laid down against my side, closing his eyes contentedly. I had no idea how he still trusted me.
I answered the knock on the door and brought the food into the living room, handing Gerard his. We ate quietly, watching some marvel movie that was on tv.
Gerard cuddled up to me again when we were done. I wrapped an arm around his waist and he stroked my side. “Who did it to you?”
“Middle school baseball coach.”
“What did he-”
“I can't tell you that yet.”
Gerard shifted, sitting up and facing me. “I wish you would.”
“I can't.”
“I know.”
Gerard smiled slightly and cupped my face in his hands. I could see him starting to lean in and my brain went into panic mode. I closed my eyes just as his lips pressed against mine.
The kiss was short, and quick. Chaste.
Gerard acted as if nothing had happened, hugging my arm. I just sat still, in shock.

Notes

Praying for Orlando <3