The Only Hope For Me Is You

We all searched the house for Gerard after we took turns reading the message to make sure that Mikey wasn’t kidding. He wasn’t. Also, we couldn’t find G anywhere. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I shouldn’t have left him.
We all meet back up in the living room and huddle in a group. “Okay I’m gonna go look in the car. Mikey, walk-run to the park and look for him there. Jenna can you drive down to the Orchards Tap, there’s rooms to rent there and you never know. Frank…Stick with me. Alright let’s go!” Ray says. Mikey and Jenna then take off without another word. I can faintly hear Jenna starting to crying a little.
My entire body was shaking so badly. I can’t even begin to imagine finding Gerard lying dead somewhere. I completely let the bitterness that I’ve directed towards him slide and let the water works come on. The tears fall from my eyes heavily as I follow Ray out of his house and out to his car.
I hold my breath as we both hesitantly look in through the windows of the car, fearful that we might see a corpse.
But thankfully we didn’t see a corpse. We saw Gerard, sitting in the back seat, fighting with his life to get a pill bottle open. Ray gasps. I don’t think. I pull the car door open and throw myself on G, I get a grip on the pill bottle and take it from him. Instead of trying to grab it back though, he just looks into my eyes, they beg for me to give him the pills back and to just end the pain. I know what he’s going through but I can’t. I toss the pill bottle behind me knowing that Ray will grab it. “What have you done?” Gerard asks so quiet I almost couldn’t hear him. I want to tell G how much I miss him, how badly I want him back, how much he means to me and his friends, and how shitty it would be without him here. But I keep quiet, staring back into his gorgeous eyes that I’ve taken too much for granted.
“What the hell were you doing?! Gerard you scared the shit out of everyone. We didn’t know where you were or why you were doing this, we couldn’t find you in the house, or….why Gerard? Why?” Ray sounds so hurt in his tone. G breaks eyes contact with me and flickers a glare over at Ray.
“It seems I’ve been replaced.” He says, and then gives me the same but very well deserved glare. I hear Ray sigh. “Look, we were going to tell y- wait, how do you know?” What!? okay, this is confusing. They hadn’t told Gerard? That’s fucked up.
“Because Ray! I’m not a retard. I went outside for a smoke when we all got back from Orchards Tap and I came back in when I was done and listened to Frank sing MY SONG! And then I heard you, Jenna and Mikey all telling him that he’d be a great new vocalist and that if he’s the new vocalist you guys would be famous in no time. It’s REJECTION. Something you of all people should know I can’t handle.” He gives me a hard look when he says the “rejection part”
“And also you guys lied to me. I thought we were friends. And then there’s the situation with Frank and then my depression and I just don’t care I want to die why can’t you let me die you don’t want me around the band anymore but you want me to keep suffering? That’s bullshit this is bullshit just let me die already!” He was crying now. And I mean sobbing.
Ray was speechless behind me. Damn. I had no idea that Gerard was hurting so badly. He wears a mask so well. What Ray and the other two did to him is so wrong and messed up it makes me worry for my future with the band because what if, like, they decide to someday replace me without notice? And it also makes me feel SUPER bad for G. He doesn’t deserve this at all. His sobbing was becoming un-bearable to listen to so I cut in and just tell him everything. I let it out. “Gerard I love you.” G immediately looks at me.
“WHAT!??” Ray practically shouts behind me. But I ignore him and finish. “I’ve loved you since day one; I can’t stop myself from feeling this way about you. I left you because I was afraid of hurting you and in no way ever did I know it was going to get this bad. If I’d known that then I never would have left you because I can’t bear even the thought of a world without you. What I did was wrong and if you’re over it then okay. I understand. But just know that there are people who still love and care about you. I can’t lose you again. I’m not replacing you, I refuse to do that. Fuck the band for all I care. I just care about you and hell it’s been so hard going to school every day and wondering if you’d be there in class or not. I want you back. I love you so much.”
I was crying so hard now that my vision was blurring up. He smiled and scooted closer to me on the backseat. “Oh Frankie, I’ve never been over us.”

Notes