Life on the Murder Scene

Early the next morning I feel the warmth move away from me. Groaning I reach out and try to bring it back to me. My fingers meet something squishy.

“Ow, shit Makayla!”

My eyes spring open. Frank is sitting next to me, his hand over the left side of his face. He doesn’t look angry which is a good thing. I go to sit up but the whole room starts to spin and I have to lie back down. My stomach turns over a few times. I take in deep breaths trying to get it to settle. When it doesn’t I scramble off the bed and hurry into the bathroom. I can’t make it all the way to the toilet and end up hurling in the sink.

As I wipe my mouth off with my arm I feel a hand on my back. Turning around a little I see Frank. His eye is a little red. As I spin around to throw up again Frank gathers up my hair holding it in one hand. He rubs my back with the other. Today is going to be a very rough day.

“Sorry I poked you in the eye,” I mumble as I’m helped back to bed. Mikey and Ray are still fast asleep.

“It only hurt a lot,” Frank shrugs, giving me a smile.

I stick my tongue out a little as he grabs a water bottle out of the fridge. Taking small sips I lean against Frank, his fingers pulling though my hair. My stomach churns a little but a few more sips help to settle it.

“Do you want me to go find you some pancakes?”

“No. I feel like death. I don’t want to get up.”

Frank rolls his eyes as Ray sits up in bed. He runs his hands over his face a few times before glancing over at Frank and I. “We should find a diner.”

As I go to answer Ray my phone begins to vibrate. Groaning I pick it up. “Hello.”

The voice of My Chemical Romance’s manager on the other end surprises me. Usually Brian only calls if something big is going to or already has happened. My stomach lurches but I will it to settle. Maybe this is good news. Another summersault from my gut tells me I already know it isn’t.

“I’m sorry if I woke you. I tried getting ahold of Mikey but I got his voice mail.”

“I was awake,” I respond wishing he’d just get to the point. My nerves can’t handle the formalities.

“I’m calling because of a phone call I got last night from Gerard. He was pretty drunk –” there is a long pause. Brian lets out a sigh. I can almost see him running his hand through his hair like he always does when he’s got disappointing news – “he called to tell me he was really depressed and that he was scared he had a problem. There were definitely some ‘end it all’ undertones.”

The phone almost falls out of my hand. As I blink back tears Frank’s face appears before mine. One of his eyebrows is raised, trying to figure out what is going on. I don’t know what to say. How do you admit to the face that you’d failed the one person who never failed you? How can I sit here and tell everyone that we could lose my older brother; that I let this get out of hand.

“Makayla, are you still there?”

“Yeah. Thank you for letting me know. I’ll talk to him.”

“If you need me to fly out –”

I cut him off, “No. I’ll handle it.”

“Call if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

The line disconnects. For a few seconds I sit there, completely numb. How did I not see it? Why did I not insist we find Gerard before we left? I’ve failed. “Wake up Mikey.”

Frank’s hand goes over mine. I pull away too disgusted with myself to have someone touch me. “Mak, what’s going on?”

“Just fucking get Mikey!” I answer before dashing towards the bathroom to throw up again this time not because of the hangover.

Frank bangs on the door, “Mak, let me in!”

Moving away from the toilet I lean my back against the tub, forehead in my hands as sobs wrack through my body. All I want is my older brother. I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him and how his life is so important and that I’m always here for him.

I hear a knock on the door but don’t move to open it. This should be my burden to bear. “Makayla please let me in.”

Mikey’s voice surprises me. Crawling forward I flip the lock before retreating back into the corner. My brother gathers me in his arms, letting me cry on his shoulder. I do my best to describe the phone call I’d gotten.

“I’m going to try and find Gerard. I’m going to leave you with Ray and Frank, okay? After I get back we’ll all go out and get some breakfast.”

I give him a weak nod before Mikey gets up and disappears through the door. Frank appears a few minutes later. He frowns before handing over his zip up. I take it from him and pull it over my head. This was a tradition that started back when I lived with him. He’d find me on the floor somewhere in the house after a terrible day and make me coffee and let me sit in his jacket. For some reason the stripped pullover has become my favorite.

“What happened?”

I shake my head, not knowing if I should tell Frank. He’s Gerard’s best friend. He’ll take the news just as hard as I am. I don’t want the band to completely fall apart over this. “Gerard called Brian last night to talk about some things. Brian was concerned enough about what was said that he called.”

Frank sits on the closed toilet lid. A thousand emotions flash over his face. Scooting across the tile floor I rest my hand over Frank’s bare knee. He rubs his thumb over my wrist, tracing up and down my vein. “It’s still going to be okay. Gerard is a strong person. He’s going to pull through. He just had a bad night.”

The guitarists’ words sound like he’s trying to reassure himself more than me. Frank has always seen Gerard as this really strong person who deals with all of his shit kind of quietly. He hasn’t spent the time around him that Mikey and I have. The two of us had discussed different scenarios that could occur before coming on this tour. I don’t think either of us really thought this kind of thing would happen.

“Are you going to be okay?” I question.

Frank nods, “Will you?”

I shrug but eventually give him a nod. Even though I’d love to curl up in a ball and sleep off this hangover and cry or a while over what’s going on I know I can’t. We all have to be there for Gerard. He needs everyone to be strong for him. I can deal with my shit some other time.

Notes

This is for you Maddd (I hope that's the right amount of d's).