Cause I just want the simple things
I just want you

The blades cuts easily into my already scarred arm, I don’t even wince when I see the blood start to drip onto the floor. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Besides, I deserve this. I kissed Gerard cause I’m a selfish whore who only looks out for herself. I’m dating Mikey because I’m too fucking scared to admit that I’m in love with Frank. Everything I’ve done is selfish. I shouldn’t have ever entered those boys’ lives. I’ve done nothing but fuck them up since I’ve known them.

As my bedroom door opens, I quickly stick the blade into my desk drawer, pull down my jacket sleeve and wipe a tear from my eye. I pray its just Bob, kind; compassionate Bob that I’ve been treating like shit lately. To my luck it is.

“How is life treating you Amber,” questions Bob, plopping down on my bed, patting the area next to him.

“Bob, what would you do if you where dating a girl and she had this sister and you found the girl you where dating very attractive and you liked her very much but on one occasion you kissed the sister of you’re girlfriend?” I question, stumbling over my words.

“Well, I think I’d just tell my girlfriend what I did and hope that somewhere she had the heart to forgive me. If not, did the other sister like the kiss?” Bob laughs, pulling me into a one armed hug.

“Yes, she liked the kiss,” I respond.

“Then if I didn’t think its too weird, which in this case I don’t, I’d move onto the other sister who clearly I have more feeling for.”

I nod, “I kissed Gerard today.”

Bob is silent for a minute, staring at the picture of a fairy I drew straight onto my wall about a year ago. Bob's mum let me keep it there, even buying me paint to fill it in. I just outlined it in black, not really thinking it needed anything else.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I felt like I needed to, because I’m selfish,” I explain.

“I don’t think it’s because you’re selfish, Amber. You’re heart told you to do it so you followed your heart. Are you content now or do you wanna do it again?”

“I thought about Mikey the entire time, thought about how he was always gentle with me when we kissed. Gerard is stronger than his brother and rough,” I explain, holding Mikey’s beanie close to me.

“Was Gerard really that rough with you?” Bob questions, a glint of anger in his normally soft eyes.

I shake my head quickly, “No, no, but he pushed me against the wall. Mikey never kisses me like that.”

Bob hugs me, wiping away the few tears that have escaped my eyes. I’m terrified of people pinning me against things, or touching me in ways I don’t feel comfortable with…for the longest time I was frightened of human contact in general. I have James to blame for that. He tossed me around pretty well before Bob stepped in and beat him within and inch of his life.

“So you still like Mikey, is that what I’m hearing?” Bob questions after a few minutes of silence.

“Very much so, and I’d hate to hurt him, but…I don’t think I’m in love with him Bob,” I answer staring at the light blue walls. I’ve always liked my room. It transported me far away from everything else and it is always clean. Not by my hand of course, but the Bryar’s have a maid who keeps everything picked up. I don’t mind.

“Is it Frank?” Bob asks. He always has to know.

I just nod, watching a small line of blood leak from my wrist down my hand. I press my sleeve into it so that Bob doesn’t see.

“You know I’ve always thought you two would be cute. Just don’t hurt Mikey.”

“I’d never what to do that."

“Well, you heard my opinion on the whole thing. I’ll leave you to think about it.” With that Bob leaves the room.

I let out a sigh, grab my wallet, pull on my combat boots and head out to my car. I drive, only stopping once I get to the gas station. It’s more cause I need fags than gas and also they have the largest assortment of junk food of any place nearby.

I park and go inside, walking around, my eyes running over the bags of chips and other junk that lines the shelves. So engrossed in my food searching, I don’t even lift my head when the bell rings to announce someone else has walked in. Normally I would, this is a sketchy part of town and at night a lot of shit goes down.

From where I am standing I can hear a familiar voice coming from up at the register, "Dude, what the fuck is your problem?"

That is Gerard, the person who must have walked in earlier.

"My problem?" Dave, the guy who always works here answer, "Is little shit kids like yourself, who think they are the scum of the earth and can do whatever the fuck they want."

Curious, I take a few steps forward, just so I can see the two but so I am still hidden. Dave has a hot head; I just wanna make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.

"I.D. please," Dave asks and I watch as Gee searches his pockets coming up empty handed. He slaps cash down onto the counter though.

"I forgot it." Gerard says, running his hand through his hair, shifting from foot to foot nervously. "I'm 18 though, I’ve been in here so many other times dude."

"Not this time," Dave says coldly.

Gerard shrugs this one off, shoving the cigarettes into his pants pocket. As he turns to leave, Dave makes another comment, this one completely unnecessary. I don’t understand why he can’t keep his fucking mouth shut. "I bet you're one of those emo kids who's a shut in, drinks all the time, and hates everything. Am I right?"

Gerard turns around slowly, fist clenched. I pray he doesn’t do anything stupid. When he doesn’t, I make myself known, stepping out around the corner of the shelf. I wave a fingerless gloved hand at Dave, who just nods, scoffing at Gee.

"Oh, yes, I'm totally right." he says.

Gerard walks back over to the counter, slamming his fist down, "Look, man, you don't even fucking know me. So don't go judging who I am based on appearance, alright?"

"You're just mad that I was right." Dave says. I can tell Gerard is loosing his temper as his fist clench at his side, face screwed up into a mask of rage. Suddenly, Gerard’s fist flies, making contact with Dave’s face. I gasp in shock.

"Fuck, man!" Dave grumbles as he slumps against the door leading into the back room. “I’m calling the cops!”

Gerard’s eyes grow and he bolts. I toss a twenty at Dave, rushing after Gerard, surprised that my chips and other various junk food aren’t falling all over the street.

“Gee, Gerard, slow the fuck down! I can’t keep up,” I call after him.

After a few more seconds of walking he stops, turning to me, gazing curiously at the large amount of food I’m carrying. He smiles a little, walking toward me, taking a few things from me and shoving them in his jacket pocket before slipping his hand into mine. I frown up at him.

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” I mumble still looking up at Gerard as we walk towards the sidewalk.

“Why’d ya do it?” he questions.

“Because I’m a selfish bitch,” I respond knowing it’s the complete truth. I don’t care if Gerard tries to tell me different.

“I don’t think that’s the truth,” Gerard says as we stop, sitting down on the curb in front of the gas station.

“It is. I would deserve it if Mikey never talks to me again,” I mumble, pushing up my sleeve, completely forgetting about how completely fucked up my arm looks.

As I reach over to grab a fag out of Gerard’s pack he sees and catches my arm in his hand, looking extremely sad. I wipe away a tear that falls from his eye pulling my arm away.

“Please don’t cry, Gee,” I whisper.

“I care about you Amber, and I don’t wanna see you hurt,” Gerard says pulling me into a hug.

I don’t pull away but I’m not necessarily comfortable with it. It isn’t that I don’t trust Gerard, it’s just I don’t want to get any closer to him than I already am.

“Gee…can I tell you something? I don’t want you to get upset about it or anything, but I’ve thought about it and I just can’t love Mikey the same way he loves me. I hate to hurt him. I just don’t know what to do.” I explain crying a little into Gerard’s chest.

“You’re gonna hurt him more by continuing the relationship. I’m sure if you explain he’ll understand. He’ll be hurt, but he’ll understand”

I blink away tears, “That’s not fair to him. I can’t just look at him and tell him that I’m in love with one of his best friends. I can’t sit there and have Frank hold my hand knowing that Mikey is torn up inside.”

“So don’t flaunt it, Amber. I just ask that you do it soon. Don’t keep dragging him along. You have a way of making people fall in love with you, baby girl. I can’t get angry at you for that,” Gerard replies, resting his head on my shoulder with some difficulty due to height difference.

“I’m gonna throw up,” I mumble.

“You’re gonna be fine. I’m not upset with you at all. I’ll handle Mikey,” Gerard answers me, offering me a fag which he already has lit for me.

I smile at him, knowing that no matter what I’ll have Gerard as a friend. I just hate what I have to do to his little brother. I wish I could just avoid it, skip going to his house and instead go to Frank’s and curl up on his bed, but I know that isn’t fair.

“You can keep the candy,” I say to Gerard as I start to head back towards my car.

“Be safe, Amber,” Gerard calls after me.

I text Frank and let him know that I’m going to be over later as I drive down the street towards the Way’s. This is going to be the hardest conversation of my entire life.


Hoisting myself through Mikey’s upstairs window is a challenge. After I fall onto his bed causing him to wake up the rest just kinda begins to spill out of my mouth.

After I explain, he explodes for almost thirty minutes, sending every insult he can think of my way. Eventually, he wears himself out, falling into a fit of tears. I stand in the middle of his room, completely lost for words.

“Can you please just go? I need some time to think about stuff.” Mikey says, his back to me.

I nod, before walking out of his room. At the bottom of the stairs Gerard stops me, his eyebrows raised.

I just frown at him before letting myself out the front door and getting into my car. It isn’t until I pull into Frank’s drive that I start crying.

Frank meets me at the front door. I’m instantly pulled into a hug, fingers pulling through my tangled hair. I hold onto Frank, scared that if I let go he’s going to slip away. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life? Thoughts race through my head, causing me to start hyperventilating. I can’t get enough air into my lungs, my breath coming out in short gasps. Frank moves me over to the couch, sitting me down before dispearing into the kitchen. He comes back with two bottles of beer.

“What wrong, Amber? I need you to talk to me.”

“I broke up with Mikey,” I answer back through my tears.

Frank pauses, beer held against his lips. His eyes squint together, probably wondering if he heard me correctly. “Why?”

I sniff, trying to get my crying under control, “I just couldn’t love him like he loved me. I tried so hard, but every single time I’d say it to him it didn’t feel right. I’d see someone else’s face in front of my eyes. I’d stay the night with him and find my mind wandering to what it was like to be lying next to someone else. I know that makes the the shittiest person ever but I just can’t help it. When you’ve know someone for as long as I have –”

Frank cuts me off, “Who are you talking about Amber? Who else are you thinking about?”

“You, you idiot. I’m thinking about you, constantly.”

The boy in front of me looks taken aback, like he never imaged those words would come out of my mouth. “I don’t understand.”

“I love you, Frank. I have for as long as I can remember. I thought I could just make those feelings go away but I can’t. I know it’s fucked. I know what I did to Mikey is terrible and I understand if you’d rather salvage that freindship –”

Once again I’m cut off, this time by lips crashing against mine. Frank takes a handful of my hair, pulling me closer to him. Our tongues connect and I feel that familiar spark I get anytime I kiss my best friend. Kissing him is like breathing, easy and natural. I dig my fingers into Frank’s shoulder, eliciting a soft moan. “I love you too Amber.”

Notes

Song: Simple Things by Miguel
Please don't hate me for this!