I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Waffles
Somebody needs to know the time, glad that I'm here
Watching the skirts you start to flirt now you're in gear
Go to a show you hope she goes
I've got nothing to say, but it's ok
Good morning, good morning
Amber re-enters my room. She looks like her mind is far away but I don’t ask any questions. I know she’ll open up to me in her own time. If you force Amber she usually just retreats further. It's one of her many quirks that took me far to long to get a handle on. I like to talk about things so for the longest time I just didn't understand her method of handling stuff.
“That was Gerard,” she says before picking up Pansy and plopping down on the mattress that acts as my bed. I broke the bedframe a while ago jumping onto it while playing my guitar.
“Is everything okay?”
Amber nods, “You’re dad’s still gone right?”
“Yup.”
Amber grins before starting to strum. I pick up the cord to connect it to my amp but she shakes her head. After a few seconds I recognize the song she is playing. I can’t help but laugh a little. This has been our song since it came out.
“You’re a part time lover and a full time friend. The monkey on your back is the latest trend. I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else but you,” my redheaded friend begins to sing, her voice barely above a whisper. She refuses to believe that she can sing.
I jump in with the second verse head resting on Amber’s shoulder, “I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train. I kiss you all starry eyed my body swinging from side to side. I don’t see what anyone an see in anyone else but you.”
This continues on as we laugh and sway back and forth until the song ends both of us singing the ending notes. I love it when Amber plays. She can just sit there and play song after song and never get bored. If only she knew that I mean every word I sing to her.
Amber flops back against the mattress, Pansy still strapped across her body. “What’s up in the wonderful world of Frank Iero?”
“I wrote some more stuff. The guys thought it was really good. We’re gonna try and set up a recorder next time we play so we can send the tape off to a record company,” I respond referring to the band that I have with Ray Toro and a few other people.
Amber smiles, “That’s really awesome. You’re gonna have to let me look over some of your lyrics.”
“We’ve got a gig next weekend at that hole in the wall place. You should come. Bring Gerard and Mikey too,” I answer back.
The redhead nods, her fingertips tracing over the scorpion tattoo I have on my neck. “I remember when you got this. You’re dad was livid. He told you you’d never be able to get a real job and you told him that was the fucking point of it. I think that was the first time I'd ever seen you and your dad get into a physical fight.”
“Fuck a real job dude,” I respond falling backwards onto the mattress.
“What’re we gonna do Frank?”
“What do you mean?”
“After all this? After high school? What’re we gonna do?”
Glancing at my best friend I can tell that she is genuinely concerned. I’ve never really thought too much about the future. It isn’t that I don’t think I have one it’s just that I’ve never really felt the need to. I know I’m going to keep playing music. I guess for Amber things are different. She’s spent a lot of her life very lost. She kind of found herself when we became friends. Sitting here now as a senior in high school that seems like ages ago. We were both so young. I liked the way she talked so I just kind of pestered her until she gave in and let me sit with her at lunch. We were like ten.
“I’m sure the Bryars will put you through college. Your grades are good enough to get in anywhere Amber. Don’t worry.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.
Amber still wears a frown. She looks like she’s going to cry. I’ve not seen her this upset in a while. “No Frank. I mean what’s gonna happen to us; to you and me and Gerard and Mikey. I can’t just start over Frank. I don’t want to have to pick up and leave. I can’t leave all of you behind but I don’t know what else to do.”
She is crying now. Sitting up I gather Amber in my arms, pulling her close to my chest. I don’t understand where this is all coming from but I’m sure she’ll let me know eventually. I’ve never seen Amber so torn up about something. I thought she’d be happy to get away from this shit hole. She’s so much better than this town and these people. She’s so goddamn talented and she could do amazing things. She's always been the strong one. If I got beat up in the hall or shoved in a locker she was right there to beat the shit of the bully. She never seemed scared of anything. She was the friend I'd call at 2 in the morning when I found a spider on the floor. She'd get on her bike and come all the way across town just to kill it. Seeing her like this kind of kills me inside. Sometimes I forget that Amber really isn't as strong as she leads everyone to believe.
Placing my thumb under her chin, I tilt her head up so that I can look into her stunning blue eyes, “I don’t give a fuck where you end up Amber, you aren’t ever going to lose me. I’d fucking run to you if you called me and said you needed me. No matter what you do you’re going to be amazing at it.”
She nods letting me wipe away a few of her tears with the palm of my hand.
“Amber….”
“Yes Frank.”
“Ray said something the other day about you…” I trail off not knowing how to finish my statement without telling Amber how I feel about her.
“Ray doesn’t always know what he’s talking about Frank. Whatever he said, just forget about it okay?”
I nod wishing I was able to get more out of her. Amber’s always been guarded. She doesn’t open up easily. Hell, I’ve been friends with her for almost nine years now and she still doesn’t trust me with all of her thoughts. Sometimes I think she’s worried I’ll get scared away. Amber’s mind isn’t always the most pleasant place to be. I wish there was a way for me to explain to her that I don’t care what comes out of her mouth and that I’m not going to run away but there isn’t. I’ve just got to continue to be here for her.
“Wanna play Halo?”
“Is that even a question Frank Iero? Hook that shit up!” The familiar Amber smile plays across my friends face. I love that smile. She should always be able to smile like.
Handing her a remote I turn on the console. We play until we both pass out.
Amber slept through most of the night. She woke up twice, worried about some metal pipe falling from the ceiling and impaling her. It took her a while to fall back to sleep. I held her in my arms and ran my fingers through her messy hair. She traced the tattoo on my chest. After Amber falls back to sleep the night is uneventful.
My dad, who I was sure would be back by this morning, is still nowhere to be found. This will make getting Amber out of the house a lot easier than usual. Most mornings she has to jump out of my second story bedroom window. I’m always scared she’s gonna hurt herself.
As the redhead showers my phone begins to chime, letting me know I’m getting a call.
“Hello?”
“Hey Frank, how’s it going?” it’s Mikey.
“Just woke up dude. You?”
“Gerard and I are making waffles this morning, wanna come by?”
“Yeah sure. I’ll bring Amber too if that’s cool.”
“Of course. See you both in a little.” Mikey hangs up the phone.
“Who was that?” Amber questions coming out of the bathroom wrapped in my Star Wars towel. Her wet hair clings to her face. If I weren’t such a chicken I’d go up to her right now and kiss her.
“That was Mikey. You down for waffles at the Way house this morning?”
Amber smiles. She’s really taken a liking to Mikey. “Fuck yeah. Waffles are awesome. Let me get dressed.”
She pulls open the top drawer of my dresser grabbing out one of my many Black Flag shirts. Her jeans are picked up off the floor before she retreats back into the bathroom to change. After a few minutes she walks out. Grabbing one of my hats off the pegboard on my wall she heads towards the door.
Together we walk down the street towards the Way house. Amber’s hand is in mine, our fingers intertwined. It’s a nice day. For the first time in a while there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Amber is wearing a smile. It lights up her whole face, reaching her eyes. I like seeing her happy.
“Amber…” I start trying to get up enough courage to tell her how I feel.
“Yes Frank?” she turns to look at me. My legs instantly feel like jelly. My heart is beating a million times a second.
“Never mind.”
She rolls her eyes kissing the top of my nose before taking off down the street. I let out a sigh before taking off after her. If only she knew.
Watching the skirts you start to flirt now you're in gear
Go to a show you hope she goes
I've got nothing to say, but it's ok
Good morning, good morning
Amber re-enters my room. She looks like her mind is far away but I don’t ask any questions. I know she’ll open up to me in her own time. If you force Amber she usually just retreats further. It's one of her many quirks that took me far to long to get a handle on. I like to talk about things so for the longest time I just didn't understand her method of handling stuff.
“That was Gerard,” she says before picking up Pansy and plopping down on the mattress that acts as my bed. I broke the bedframe a while ago jumping onto it while playing my guitar.
“Is everything okay?”
Amber nods, “You’re dad’s still gone right?”
“Yup.”
Amber grins before starting to strum. I pick up the cord to connect it to my amp but she shakes her head. After a few seconds I recognize the song she is playing. I can’t help but laugh a little. This has been our song since it came out.
“You’re a part time lover and a full time friend. The monkey on your back is the latest trend. I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else but you,” my redheaded friend begins to sing, her voice barely above a whisper. She refuses to believe that she can sing.
I jump in with the second verse head resting on Amber’s shoulder, “I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train. I kiss you all starry eyed my body swinging from side to side. I don’t see what anyone an see in anyone else but you.”
This continues on as we laugh and sway back and forth until the song ends both of us singing the ending notes. I love it when Amber plays. She can just sit there and play song after song and never get bored. If only she knew that I mean every word I sing to her.
Amber flops back against the mattress, Pansy still strapped across her body. “What’s up in the wonderful world of Frank Iero?”
“I wrote some more stuff. The guys thought it was really good. We’re gonna try and set up a recorder next time we play so we can send the tape off to a record company,” I respond referring to the band that I have with Ray Toro and a few other people.
Amber smiles, “That’s really awesome. You’re gonna have to let me look over some of your lyrics.”
“We’ve got a gig next weekend at that hole in the wall place. You should come. Bring Gerard and Mikey too,” I answer back.
The redhead nods, her fingertips tracing over the scorpion tattoo I have on my neck. “I remember when you got this. You’re dad was livid. He told you you’d never be able to get a real job and you told him that was the fucking point of it. I think that was the first time I'd ever seen you and your dad get into a physical fight.”
“Fuck a real job dude,” I respond falling backwards onto the mattress.
“What’re we gonna do Frank?”
“What do you mean?”
“After all this? After high school? What’re we gonna do?”
Glancing at my best friend I can tell that she is genuinely concerned. I’ve never really thought too much about the future. It isn’t that I don’t think I have one it’s just that I’ve never really felt the need to. I know I’m going to keep playing music. I guess for Amber things are different. She’s spent a lot of her life very lost. She kind of found herself when we became friends. Sitting here now as a senior in high school that seems like ages ago. We were both so young. I liked the way she talked so I just kind of pestered her until she gave in and let me sit with her at lunch. We were like ten.
“I’m sure the Bryars will put you through college. Your grades are good enough to get in anywhere Amber. Don’t worry.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.
Amber still wears a frown. She looks like she’s going to cry. I’ve not seen her this upset in a while. “No Frank. I mean what’s gonna happen to us; to you and me and Gerard and Mikey. I can’t just start over Frank. I don’t want to have to pick up and leave. I can’t leave all of you behind but I don’t know what else to do.”
She is crying now. Sitting up I gather Amber in my arms, pulling her close to my chest. I don’t understand where this is all coming from but I’m sure she’ll let me know eventually. I’ve never seen Amber so torn up about something. I thought she’d be happy to get away from this shit hole. She’s so much better than this town and these people. She’s so goddamn talented and she could do amazing things. She's always been the strong one. If I got beat up in the hall or shoved in a locker she was right there to beat the shit of the bully. She never seemed scared of anything. She was the friend I'd call at 2 in the morning when I found a spider on the floor. She'd get on her bike and come all the way across town just to kill it. Seeing her like this kind of kills me inside. Sometimes I forget that Amber really isn't as strong as she leads everyone to believe.
Placing my thumb under her chin, I tilt her head up so that I can look into her stunning blue eyes, “I don’t give a fuck where you end up Amber, you aren’t ever going to lose me. I’d fucking run to you if you called me and said you needed me. No matter what you do you’re going to be amazing at it.”
She nods letting me wipe away a few of her tears with the palm of my hand.
“Amber….”
“Yes Frank.”
“Ray said something the other day about you…” I trail off not knowing how to finish my statement without telling Amber how I feel about her.
“Ray doesn’t always know what he’s talking about Frank. Whatever he said, just forget about it okay?”
I nod wishing I was able to get more out of her. Amber’s always been guarded. She doesn’t open up easily. Hell, I’ve been friends with her for almost nine years now and she still doesn’t trust me with all of her thoughts. Sometimes I think she’s worried I’ll get scared away. Amber’s mind isn’t always the most pleasant place to be. I wish there was a way for me to explain to her that I don’t care what comes out of her mouth and that I’m not going to run away but there isn’t. I’ve just got to continue to be here for her.
“Wanna play Halo?”
“Is that even a question Frank Iero? Hook that shit up!” The familiar Amber smile plays across my friends face. I love that smile. She should always be able to smile like.
Handing her a remote I turn on the console. We play until we both pass out.
Amber slept through most of the night. She woke up twice, worried about some metal pipe falling from the ceiling and impaling her. It took her a while to fall back to sleep. I held her in my arms and ran my fingers through her messy hair. She traced the tattoo on my chest. After Amber falls back to sleep the night is uneventful.
My dad, who I was sure would be back by this morning, is still nowhere to be found. This will make getting Amber out of the house a lot easier than usual. Most mornings she has to jump out of my second story bedroom window. I’m always scared she’s gonna hurt herself.
As the redhead showers my phone begins to chime, letting me know I’m getting a call.
“Hello?”
“Hey Frank, how’s it going?” it’s Mikey.
“Just woke up dude. You?”
“Gerard and I are making waffles this morning, wanna come by?”
“Yeah sure. I’ll bring Amber too if that’s cool.”
“Of course. See you both in a little.” Mikey hangs up the phone.
“Who was that?” Amber questions coming out of the bathroom wrapped in my Star Wars towel. Her wet hair clings to her face. If I weren’t such a chicken I’d go up to her right now and kiss her.
“That was Mikey. You down for waffles at the Way house this morning?”
Amber smiles. She’s really taken a liking to Mikey. “Fuck yeah. Waffles are awesome. Let me get dressed.”
She pulls open the top drawer of my dresser grabbing out one of my many Black Flag shirts. Her jeans are picked up off the floor before she retreats back into the bathroom to change. After a few minutes she walks out. Grabbing one of my hats off the pegboard on my wall she heads towards the door.
Together we walk down the street towards the Way house. Amber’s hand is in mine, our fingers intertwined. It’s a nice day. For the first time in a while there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Amber is wearing a smile. It lights up her whole face, reaching her eyes. I like seeing her happy.
“Amber…” I start trying to get up enough courage to tell her how I feel.
“Yes Frank?” she turns to look at me. My legs instantly feel like jelly. My heart is beating a million times a second.
“Never mind.”
She rolls her eyes kissing the top of my nose before taking off down the street. I let out a sigh before taking off after her. If only she knew.
Notes
Song: Good Morning Good Morning by The Beatles
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16