The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

“Frankie, has anyone told you you’re a very good kisser?” Gerard smirked, gazing up at me in awe as we cuddled together on his couch.
“I dunno,” I laughed, my fingers twirling his tousled black hair. “Never really got a whole lotta action with anyone, to be honest,”
“Not even in high school?”
“Nope, not even there,” I shook my head. “It was kinda hard for me to, since I was always the poor gay loser with hardcore conservative parents and a long list of kids that bullied me,”
“Well, those kids are assholes, Frankie. You know that,”
“Of course I do, Gee,” I laid my head down on his chest, hearing the beat of his heart that’s still racing from what we both just did. We kissed. Again.
Actually, no. We did more than just that. We kissed multiple times. We made out. Again. No tongue, though. Just kissing each other’s lips (and some biting, which I think Gerard really liked. Even though I may not have kissed that many people, especially guys, considering all the circumstances I was under, I do know that biting their lower lip does the trick).
And, as corny and cliche as it may sound, it felt so good, it’s almost beyond description. I didn’t even think before deciding to kiss him. It just happened. It was like there was something inside me just begging me to do it, and it all just took over me. I just couldn’t resist the urge to do so. I just had to kiss Gerard. He’s just that fucking beautiful. I know I use that word a lot, but it’s true. Hell, I can write a whole novel about what makes Gerard Way so astonishing to the naked human eye (at least, in my eyes. I don’t think some shut-in that hasn’t showered in centuries is gonna exactly be up everyone’s alley, in terms of looks). It even isn’t just his appearance that is so breathtaking, it’s everything about him (or at least just about everything). It’s the way he never fails to make me laugh, even when I’m in the shittiest mood. It’s the way he smiles and looks at me with his iridescent hazel eyes. It’s the way he’s so freaking talented, he makes a child prodigy in high honors at school look like a pushover. It’s the way he’s such a strange case, so quirky yet so cute at the same time and...
A loud growl emerged from my stomach, obviously indicating that it’s time to get something to eat.
“Hmm, someone’s hungry,” Gerard sang, his hand stroking my head that’s still resting on his chest. “I would make us something to eat, but there isn’t really much down here…”
“That’s alright,” I sat up. “I’ll find something upstairs. I coulda sworn I saw a pack of pizza rolls in the freezer,”
“Alrighty then, Frankie. That’ll do. We can use the microwave oven down here to make them,”
I got up from the couch and made my way upstairs, only to be greeted by a wide-eyed Mikey sitting at the kitchen table with a worried, “what in the hell were you thinking of going down there after what happened last night” kind of look on his face. I walked right past him, pretending not to notice.
“Frank!” he hissed. “Just what in the hell are you-”
“Relax, Mikey,” I said, grabbing the pack of pizza rolls from the freezer and making my way back downstairs. “Trust me, I know what I’m doing,”

The rest of the night consisted of me and Gerard cuddling on the couch, eating pizza rolls and watching a series of horror movies on DVD. Right now it’s Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” that’s playing. We laid together on the couch, our bodies entwined in blankets, my head laying on Gerard’s lap. I just can’t think of a better way to end my night off from work. Me and Gerard together in his basement, eating pizza rolls and watching horror movies. It’s just perfect, like a lonely hormonal teenager’s fantasty (even though ironically I’m 23). I want to savor every single moment of this night, knowing that I have a six day work streak ahead of me, which I’m gonna dread. It’s not because I hate my job, of course not. I like it there a lot. Besides, I need the money...badly. Sooner or later Ray’s gonna ask me to cough up some money to pay for rent. I’m dreading work because that obviously means I don’t get to spend as much time with Gerard. It also means he has to painstakingly wait down in that dark basement for me to come home to him.
“Frankie,” Gerard said, grabbing a pizza roll off the plate. “You work tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I am,” I sat up. “I’m working all week, actually,”
“Really?” Gerard frowned. “Even this weekend?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Even this weekend. My next day off isn’t until Sunday,”
“Oh, alright…” Gerard hung his head down, that dreadfully familiar disappointment and discontent clear in his eyes.
It really hurts to see Gerard so bummed out, knowing that he’ll be all alone while I’m away at work. I know I gotta do what I gotta do. A job’s a job, we gotta go to it to make a living whether we like it or not, but still. It wouldn’t be so bad if Gerard didn’t always confine himself to this dark place downstairs in his own little world, away from everyone else. As different and intriguing as his world may be, it’s definitely a very lonely place, even terrifying at times, knowing what he must see and hear what others can’t….and that’s likely just one of the many reasons why he wants me to stay down here with him.
“I’m sorry, Gerard,” I said. “I promise I’ll come down here when I get off work. I don’t care if Mikey or Ray give me a hard time. It’s not like they’re gonna kick me out or anything,”
At least, I hope not.
“I know you’ll come down here, Frankie,” Gerard looked up. “I know you will. I just hate that you gotta sneak down here all the time because of those guys. I really wish they didn’t give you hell for it,”
“I know. When I went upstairs earlier, your little brother clearly wasn’t happy that I came back down here, to be honest…”
“What did he tell you?”
“Not much. He just asked me what the hell I was doing. It’s because the night before we had that little conversation...after what happened…”
“Oh,” Gerard muttered. I assume he knows what I’m talking about. “So I guess he’s just mad because you went against his word pretty much,”
“Yeah, I guess so. I told him to chill out, though. I told him I know what I’m doing.”
“W-wait,” Gerard stuttered, exchanging me a worried look. “You didn’t tell him that we were...kissing, were you?”
“No, of course not,” I laughed, blushing a little. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything like that,”
“Oh, okay,” he sighed, relieved. “Good. I don’t think he needs to know we’ve been doing that. It would be kinda awkward if he did…”
“Yeah, it would,”
“I just wish that…” Gerard’s voice trailed off, his voice distant and full of discomfort.
“You wish what?” I asked.
“I just wish he wasn’t so afraid of me...I don’t want him to be scared of me and think I’m some kind of monster...but it’s kinda hard for him not to, considering he knows what I’ve done. I just wish he could understand. I think he hates me…”
“Gerard, your little brother doesn’t hate you,” I said reassuringly. “He’s just kinda...a little worried, that’s all,”
Not that I really blame Mikey, though. Based off his past experience with Gerard in the mental institution, as well as other things like the time Gerard had his psychotic episode last night, Mikey kinda has a reason to be afraid. He just needs to lighten up a bit, and the same goes for Ray. I wanna help Gerard, as risky and foolish as it may sound. I still refuse to believe he’s beyond help. He’s a much different person now than we was two nights ago. If only Mikey and Ray could see that for themselves and not think I’m some kinda delusional moron with a deathwish…
“I guess so, Frankie,” Gerard nodded. “I kinda miss Mikey. I miss Ray too, and I guess Bob as well,”
“I bet you do, Gee,” I replied, suddenly kinda curious. “How long have you lived down here, anyway? When was the last time you were upstairs?”
“It’s been about three years, I think...”
Three years? Three whole fucking years Gerard hasn’t stepped outta this basement? Three whole years he hasn’t seen Mikey, Ray, or Bob, or even talked to them? Holy shit...I knew it was a long time Gerard has been down here, but I didn’t think it would be that long.
“Wow,” I said, still stunned by such a large number of days. “That’s a long time…”
Gerard said nothing. He just stared at the t.v screen, the movie coming to a close with the credits rolling.
“Well,” I continued, thinking now it wouldn't hurt to ask. At least, I hope not. “Why don’t you come upstairs, say hi to everyone? I’m sure they all miss you. Ray isn’t home yet, he’s outta town right now, but Mikey and Bob-”
“No,” Gerard said remorsefully, shaking his head. “I don’t think I can…”
“Why? It’s just those two people, I swear,” I said, remembering Gerard’s last made up excuse when he declined to join the party upstairs that one night. “You don’t even have to stay up there or anything. Just go upstairs and hang out for a bit, that’s all,”
“Frankie, don’t you know?” Gerard’s voice rose, his tone coldly serious. “I’m a convicted killer. I escaped from a mental institution. A fucking mental institution. I can’t go up there,”
“Gerard, it’s not like I’m asking you to step outside in the public eye. It’s just upstairs in the same house. It’s just Mikey and Bob, that’s all,”
“Frankie, you don’t understand!” Gerard sprung up to his feet, making me jump. He stood in front of me, his whole body shaking slightly as he waved his arms out in frustration. “I can’t leave this place. I wish I could, but I can’t. I have to hide down here. Everyone’s out to get me, Frankie. If I get caught, chances are I’ll be sent back to Trenton State Hospital, or I’ll be sent to prison, and I won’t be able to get out. It was hard enough for me to escape from a high security mental institution, I barely made it out alive. I’m not taking any chances. I don’t wanna blow my cover. I don’t wanna fuck up and lose it all, because chances are, I’ll never be able to get out again!”
I sat there silently, Gerard’s words slapping me in the face. This is another thing Mikey was right about. Gerard is paranoid. Way too paranoid. Gerard is right about one thing, though. He is being looked for by the authorities; he’s killed three people and escaped from a mental hospital. He’s come too far to have it all put to waste if he slips a little and gets caught. He’s probably been to hell and back trying to escape from a high security institution, as well as hiding from the face of society out in the streets, hiding in dark alleyways, and now in this basement, slowly losing himself to his own paranoia and hysteria. He’s that insecure. He’s that fucking terrified.
Gerard panted, his eyes tired, yet still full of anguish. He sat down, looking defeated.
“I don’t even know how I’m gonna be able to get my revenge. I don’t even know how I’m gonna get payback…”
“On who?” I asked reluctantly.
“I need to get my revenge,” Gerard growled. “On the two men that ruined my whole fucking life. The two men that took daddy and mama away from me and Mikey. That’s why I escaped, Frankie. I made an allegiance to myself long ago in that fucking hospital that I will one day find those two fuckers and make them suffer. I realized I had to make that pledge as I grew older and learned how cruel this world can be. I wasn’t gonna sit there and rot away in a cell in a prison, or in a padded room in a nuthouse, dying without fulfilling my cause. I have a mission, and that mission is to make those monsters pay the consequences for what they not only did to my parents and my brother, but to me as well…”
That’s what Gerard wants. He wants revenge. He yearns for it. That was why he escaped, to be one step closer to fulfilling what he so badly wants. But now that he’s here, he’s stuck. He’s too scared to move an inch forward, fearing of getting caught, therefore this whole thing of escaping adding up to nothing. It’s his one and only chance, and he can’t lose it, because god knows what will happen to him if he gets caught. Maybe he’ll be under heavier security, more than he already was, making it just about impossible for him to slip through again. Maybe even worse than that. It all makes sense now. Everything’s starting to come together. This all probably explains the grotesque drawings in his room (at least I think it does). They are depictions of what he wants done to Cecil and Irvine. Gerard killed those bullies outta revenge too, after all they’ve done to him. It’s become clear now. Gerard doesn’t just crave revenge; he’s obsessed with it. While it’s definitely terrifying, I must say...he has a right to want revenge. After that day his parents were taken away from him, his whole life became a living hell, and he wants the men responsible to pay for it, and make them feel every ounce of pain he did for the last nineteen years…
“Now do you see?” Gerard asked, his voice calm. “Now you know, right? Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
“Well…” I said, barely knowing what to say. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it felt like to go through what happened to you, but...I can definitely understand why you want those men dead,”
“I’m not saying I’ve been through worse than you have, Frankie,” Gerard replied defensively. “I know you didn’t have it all that good, either. I’m not asking for pity or anything like that. I just want you to understand what my purpose is, and why I’m so frustrated right now. I have two men on my kill list, and I’m gonna hunt them down, and I’m not gonna let anyone or anything stop me. But I don’t know where to go from here. I’m too scared to leave this place. I don’t know what I’m gonna do!”
“But, Gerard,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “What do you think would happen if you were to just come outta the basement? Like I said before, it’s just upstairs, not outside. It’s just Mikey, Ray, and Bob. They’re not gonna turn you in or anything, you know that. Not if they let you live in their own house!”
“You’re right about that, but…”
“But what?” I said, getting slightly frustrated by how resistant Gerard is.
“...but I don’t think they know I escaped from the hospital. If they did, I think they’d change their minds about letting me stay here. They’ll have me turned in. Besides, what would they think if they saw me after so much time has passed? I can barely stand to face anyone anymore. I can’t trust people anymore. The only person that I can give even an ounce of my trust to is you, Frankie…and sometimes, I get scared that even if I do that, something will happen. I’ve trusted people I thought I could, but the end result was all of that blowing up in my face…”
“I know what you mean. I told you what happened when I came out to Derek, right?” I said, nearly feeling myself gag saying fucker’s name. “But you know what? I opened up to you about what happened to me, because I wanted to put it behind me. I needed to vent. I came to you, and you were there for me. You gave me a shoulder to cry on. I told you some things I wasn’t comfortable talking about, and as a result, I realized I did the right thing. I trusted you, Gerard. Don’t you remember?”
“Of course I do, Frankie. I really wanted to help you,”
“And that’s what I wanna do for you, Gerard. I wanna help you! I wanna help you stop being so scared, you know? I’m sick of constantly having to sneak down here, and I’m sure you are sick of waiting for me all the time. Plus, when I talked to Mikey last night, he told me he still really wants to help you. I’m sure Ray and Bob do too. I swear, I won’t tell them anything about you escaping. I mean it. Besides, if you just stay down here and never come out…what makes you think you’ll ever be able to find and kill the people that murdered your parents?”
I suddenly stopped, realizing what I just let come out of my mouth. Do I really wanna help him? I wanna help him come outta this basement. I wanna be with him more. He means so much to me, more than I thought. But if I do that, if I do help him come out of this place, that’ll bring him closer to fulfilling his pledge to kill two more people. What kind of person does that make me?
I’m not just enabling a friend. I’m enabling a murderer...but he’s a murderer with a cause; a cause to get revenge on two horrible people. Two people that I myself wanna see get what they truly deserve.
Yes. I do wanna help Gerard. I do wanna help him get his revenge.
“Frankie…” Gerard whispered, his eyes wide. “Do you...really mean that? You wanna...help me?”
“Y-yes,” I replied, feeling my whole body shake. “I do. Whatever it takes to get you outta here. Whatever it takes to help you…”
“D-do you...really m-mean it...F-Frankie?” Gerard stuttered, a smile slowly growing on his face. “Y-you wanna help me...g-get...revenge? You wanna...f-fix me?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed, my whole body shaking. “Yes I do, Gerard. I’ll try to fix you. I do wanna fix you, damn it!”
“Frankie!” Gerard yelled joyously, taking me in his arms and wrapping them around my trembling body. “Oh my god, Frankie...thank you! Thank you so much!”
Accepting Gerard’s embrace, I hugged him tightly, welcoming the tears of joy in my eyes. I really do wanna help him. I want him to be happy. I want him to be fixed. Seeing him so elated, knowing that there’s someone that really cares for him, really puts a smile on my face; it does so much that it makes me cry.
“You’re welcome, Gee…” I said, sniffling. “You’re very welcome…”
“Hey,” Gerard released me from his grip, seeing the tears in my eyes and wiping them with a gentle hand. “Don’t you cry, Frankie…”
“I’m sorry, Gee,” I smiled, loving the feeling of his warm and tender and on my face. “I’m just so happy to help you. I’m happy to see you happy!”
“I know, Frankie. I know you are. I am, too. I’m happy to have someone like you in my life. Someone that cares for me. Someone that wants to really help me...Thanks again, Frankie…” Gerard whispered, smiling as he took me into one final embrace. “For everything,”
“You’re welcome,” I said, my voice muffled in his shoulder. “Are you ready to come upstairs?”
“I...I think so…” Gerard replied, voice quivering. “Be right back,”
Gerard stood up from the couch, walking down to his bedroom door and closing it shut, followed by locking it shut with a slight click sound. He came back and sat down, his discomfort gradually becoming more obvious, seeing the disturbed look on his face.
“Why’d you lock your door?” I asked, a little confused.
“Because…” Gerard muttered. “I don’t want anyone to come into my room when I’m not around...and see what’s in there…”
“Oh,” I nodded, knowing he’s referring to the graphic, obscene drawings of the mutilated bodies. “I see,”
I stood up, waiting for Gerard to do the same. He sat there on the couch looking up at me, fearing what’s yet to come, hesitant to leave.
“F-frankie…” he stuttered. “I...I’m scared,”
“It’s okay, Gee,” I said, lending a hand to him. “I’m here. Come on, let’s go,”
Gerard slowly got up, his hand shaking and hanging onto mine for his dear life. He gazed over at me, fear radiating from his eyes, much like a scared child clinging onto his mother.
“Will you take me up there?” he whispered shakily.
“Of course I will,”
“Don’t let go, okay?”
“I won’t,”
“You...you promise?”
“I promise, Gerard. I do. Just be strong and hold my hand...okay?”
“Okay…”
“Alright, let’s go,”
With Gerard’s hand in mine once again, we left the couch and slowly made our way to the bottom of the stairs, the door at the top waiting to be opened. I turned around to look at Gerard, whose hazel eyes are bulging with fear, huffs of panic escaping his trembling lips.
“It’s okay, Gee,” I said reassuringly. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. Everyone’s gonna be so happy to see you again. Your little brother, Mikey? He still wears glasses. Ray’s fro has gotten bigger, y’know,”
My attempts to calm Gerard down weren’t working. He’s still shaking, clearly terrified as he was the first time we met, when he was reluctant to leave his room. His eyes frantically scanned the room around him, knowing he’s finally about to step out of his haven.
“Frankie…” he whispered through chattering teeth. “F-Frankie...Fran-kie...Frank-”
“Shh!” I put a finger to my lips. “It’s okay. Don’t panic. Just keep holding my hand, okay? Just breathe…come on, in...”
Gerard shut his eyes, following my prompts, slowly breathing in and holding his breath.
“And out…” I said in a hushed tone.
Gerard exhaled, eyes still shut. I guided him through the breathing meditation a few more times until I felt Gerard’s shakiness decrease slightly. He opened his eyes back up, no longer as frantic as before. But only a little less.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Ready?”
“Yeah…” Gerard said, nodding his head. “Let’s go…”
Slowly, with Gerard behind me, we both stepped up the stairs, one rung at a time. I constantly glanced back at Gerard to make sure he’s not about to have a panic attack on me (or even worse than that), god forbid he did. Before we knew it, we were already only three steps away from the door. Great. Almost there-
“Stop it!” Gerard hissed, his eyes glued to the floor, both hands tightly gripping mine. He began to shake again, this time much worse than before, so much it looks like he’s close to having a seizure.
“No, stop it! Shut up, damn you. Go away, just-”
“Gerard!” I shook him slightly, feeling myself lose my cool as well. I know what's happening right now (at least, I think I do). Gerard is arguing with the voices in his head...again. “Gerard, look at me!”
“No, don’t do it!” Gerard whimpered, the child-like voice from earlier returning.“Leave me alone! Don’t hurt me!”
One of his hands released it’s grip from mine and made it’s way up to his face, slapping and hitting himself repeatedly, much like he did last night.
“Gerard!” I nearly screamed, clutching his hand. “Stop it! Stop it, Gerard! Stop it!”
Gerard resisted, his arm wrangling and flailing in my hand as he continued to attempt inflicting pain upon himself, punishing himself for trying to leave his safe zone.
“Don’t hit me!” he cried, as if begging himself to stop. “Please don’t hurt me! I didn’t mean to do it! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’msorryi’msorryi’msorryi’mso-”
“Gerard!Stop it!”
Screaming his name at the top of my lungs, I forced Gerard towards me, tightly restraining him in my arms, embracing him and begging him to stop as he continued to shout at himself in the midst of his rambling psychosis. I held him in my arms, like an exhausted mother would do with her crying and wailing baby, pleading it to just stop.
“Please stop, Gerard,” I cried, feeling defeated as I desperately pleaded the man I care for so much to stop. “Please, please stop it, Gerard...I-”
“Frank!”
The door above us flew wide open, making us both jump. We looked up to find Mikey at the top of the stairs, his body frozen and shaking, eyes behind his glasses brimming with utter horror. There’s something in his trembling hand…
It’s big.
It’s sharp.
It’s long.
It’s a weapon.
It’s a kitchen knife in Mikey’s hand.
Everything came to a screeching halt, leaving us all frozen and in silence, as if time itself had just stopped. Me and Gerard stared up at Mikey, who stared back at the both of us, still wide-eyed and devastated. I felt all the blood drain from my face as I held on to Gerard, who is standing still and no longer on the verge of hysteria.
Oh my god...oh my fucking god…
What was Mikey doing with the knife in his hand?
Was he gonna hurt Gerard?
Was he gonna kill him?
“Mikey…” I said weakly. “I…”
The knife fell out of Mikey’s hand, dropping to the floor. He covered his mouth with both hands, his eyes barely able to take in what was right in front of him.
“Frank…” he gasped. “G-gerard…”
Gerard gazed up at him, his mouth hung open. He slowly stepped up the stairs, leaving his haven for the first time in years.
“M-michael…” he stuttered, the childish voice still present. “Mi...key…M-Mi-key...little baby b-brother…”
“Gerard…”
“Brother!”
The Way brothers embraced each other, reunited once again.
“It’s okay, Gerard…” Mikey said, patting Gerard’s back. “It’s all gonna be okay, big brother…”
“I missed you, Mikey,” Gerard whimpered, his shaking voice muffled. “I missed you, little baby brother…”
“I missed you too, big brother…”
I’m still shaken after what just happened. Was Mikey seriously gonna try to kill his own brother to save me? Did he think he was trying to hurt me again? He must’ve, hearing what was going on just minutes ago. It also felt like being stabbed in the heart over and over again seeing Gerard so distressed, hitting himself and arguing with the unknown voices in his head, whatever they may be. But I’m happy it’s all over. Oh, I’m fucking glad it’s all over. Gerard and Mikey are together again at last, and they missed each other so much…
Mikey looked up at me and smiled warmly, still holding on to Gerard.
“Frank...thank you…” he whispered.
I smiled back, nodding in approval.
“Woah, dude…” another voice emerged from the living room. It’s a bloodshot-eyed Bob, walking out of his bedroom, the scent of weed strong on him, as always. “Gerard...how are ya, man? It’s been a while-”
At that moment, the front door opened. Our heads turned to find that Ray (or, should I say, Ramona?) has returned home, his usual upbeat and flamboyant self present with him and his fro. I think I almost cringed when I saw what he decided to wear today-a bright, yellow dress. It’s so bright I swear I can feel my eyes burn just looking at it.
“Hey guys, I’m hoooome,” Ray/Ramona sang, arms dramatically stretched out to show off the repulsively bright dress he’s wearing. “Check out this fabulous dress I picked up at this little clothing boutique! Ain’t it just gorgeous? This sunshine yellow looks so good on me! After all, I am just a big Raaay of…”
Ray’s face went pale when his eyes came across Gerard, outside of his basement. His jaw nearly hit the ground.
“G-gerard?” He stuttered. “Oh my god...Gerard...is that you?”
With all eyes now on Gerard, I can only imagine how overwhelmed he must feel. It’s clear in his face, seeing his eyes nervously scanning his surroundings. He looked at me, unsure what to do and begging me to come to his aid.
“It’s okay, Gee,” I said, walking up the steps and patting his shoulder, smiling. “You did it, man,”
Gerard smiled back uneasily, clinging on to me the minute our bodies came close to each other, much like a shy kid hiding behind his mom’s coat at an awkward family reunion.
“It’s so good to see you, again,” Ray said. “We all really missed you. We thought you were never gonna come outta that basement!”
“Yeah, man!” Bob agreed, nodding in approval. “Are you an F5 key? Because it’s so refreshing seeing you up here again, dude!”
“Welcome back, Gerard,” Mikey smiled, trying his hardest to hide himself laughing at Bob’s lame pun.
“Th-thanks guys…” Gerard muttered, smirking shyly. He turned back to me, looking as if he’s ready to duck and hide behind my body that’s much shorter compared to his. Ray and Bob excused themselves, making their way into their bedroom, leaving me with Mikey and Gerard.
“Frankie…” Gerard muttered.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Can you...do me a favor?”
“What?”
“Can you...come with me in the bathroom?”
“Why?” I asked, perplexed.
“Because…” Gerard bit his lip. “I wanna see myself in the mirror. I need to see what I look like…”
Still confused, I found myself glancing over at Mikey, who all looks just as bewildered as I do.
“What for?” he asked suddenly.
“I…” Gerard looked down at the floor, still hiding behind me. “I haven’t seen myself for so long…I just wanna see, that’s all…”
“Why not?” I asked. “Why haven’t you seen yourself?”
“Be-because…,” Gerard gulped, his mouth quivering and struggling to speak. “I just couldn’t look at myself without being laughed at...and called names…”
I still don’t know what Gerard’s talking about. Who would be laughing at him and calling him names if he’s the only one that’s been living down in that basement? I wanna keep asking Gerard about just what he’s talking about, but I think doing so wouldn’t make him too happy. I glanced over at Mikey; he didn’t look too pleased hearing what his brother just said.
“Alright,” I said, taking Gerard’s hand. “Let’s go,”
Together, me and Gerard made our way down the hall to the upstairs bathroom, with Mikey following behind us, keeping his distance. I stepped into the bathroom, turning the light on. Gerard stood in the doorway, reluctant to step in with me.
“C’mon,” I said, motioning him to come in. “It’s okay. I’m here,”
“Go ahead, Gerard,” Mikey chimed in, standing behind him. “Go look,”
Gerard nodded, slowly stepping into the bathroom. He stopped in front of the sink, looking up at his reflection in the vanity mirror. He stood there staring at his pale, bruised, messy-haired, and dirty self, looking anything but happy with how he looks; I can see it in his sullen and sunken hazel eyes. He reached a hand up to the mirror, touching it, silently cursing at the doppelganger staring back at him. I felt myself die inside a little, seeing him so disenchanted and forlorn.
“They’re laughing at me…” Gerard said, looking away. “They’re all laughing at me, Frankie...I knew they were all gonna laugh at me…”
“Who’s laughing at you?” I asked. “Who are you talking about?”
“The voices…” Gerard muttered. “The voices are laughing at me. They’re calling me names. They’re calling me ugly, Frankie...I am ugly. I’m a wreck. I’m a walking disgrace...”
I sighed, feeling my heart sink into my stomach. It’s the voices in his head that are tormenting him, the voices that constantly feed him lies. The voices that just won’t leave him the hell alone. I just so badly wanna scream and tell them to fuck off, but I can’t, because they’re not real...at least to everyone but Gerard, they’re not.
“Gerard, you know that’s not true,” Mikey said. “You shouldn’t listen to those voices,”
“Yeah, your brother’s right,” I put a hand on Gerard’s shoulder. “You’re not ugly...you’re beautiful, Gerard. You’re beautiful to me,”
Gerard glanced over at my hand, then up at me, smiling a little.
“You think so?” he asked.
“Of course!” I exclaimed, wishing I could just shake him and scream that to him at the top of my lungs, because it’s true, and he needs to know it. “Hell, you’re really fucking beautiful, damnit!”
“Yeah, man,” Mikey said, nodding in approval. “You’re not ugly, or any of those other things. Frank’s right. You’re also brave coming up here, y’know? We’re all really proud of you, bro,”
Gerard smiled, looking down at the ground. There’s just something about the way he smiles like that that makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter and tickle me from the inside. It’s just that fucking adorable and precious to see.
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you all...so much,”
“No problem, Gee,” I replied, feeling myself blush a little seeing that cute smile on his face. “We can go back downstairs, if you want. If you’d be more comfortable-”
“No,” Gerard interrupted. “I’ll stay up here for a while. I’ll be alright, I think,”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Gerard nodded, eyeing the bathtub next to the toilet. “Besides...I’d really like to take a bath. I can only imagine how bad I must smell...and there’s no bathtub downstairs. Just a lame shower,”
Ummm...okay? It’s good Gerard (finally) wants to get clean (no, seriously...he really needs it), but why would he prefer to take a bath upstairs, in an environment he’s clearly not 100% comfortable being in, when he can just do that downstairs, in his comfort zone?
“Alright, that’s fine, but...why do that up here?” I asked, vocalizing my perplexions.
“Do what, bathe?”
“Yeah...that,”
“Oh, because…” Gerard fidgeted with his fingers, looking around the room nervously. “I, uh...I-I prefer to take a bath. I don’t like sh-showering. Besides, the sho-shower downstairs doesn’t...w-work,”
“Oh,” I said, saying “fuck it” to myself, deciding to leave the matter be, seeing how uncomfortable it’s making Gerard feel talking about it. “Alright, that’s fine,”
Why the hell should I even be worrying about what Gerard’s bathing preferences are? That’s the least of my worries right now. If he prefers baths over showers, godspeed to him. He’ll take a bath up here instead. I should just be happy that I finally managed to get Gerard, the mysterious man living in his basement, to come out and upstairs for the first time in months...hell, years! Bydoing so, I proved his brother Mikey wrong.
He isn’t beyond help.
He isn’t a lost cause.
He can be fixed.

Notes