The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

“Good morning, sunshine! The earth says hello!”
I sleepily opened up my eyes to find Gerard standing over me with a smile on his face and two big mugs of coffee in his hands, with Lola all set up in her new cage behind him on his dresser. I sat up in bed, taking one of the cups from him and sipped on the warm java. It’s just right. Gerard always knows how to make really good coffee. He put in extra cream and sugar in it for me, just like how I always want it.
“Thanks, hun,” I said. “How’d you sleep?”
“Fantastic. How about you? You feel better?” Gerard sat down on the bed next to me, exchanging me a concerned look. “You really scared me last night,”
I felt my heart sink at Gerard saying those two last words. I don’t know what the hell got into me. I just about lost my mind. Normally it’s Gerard that’s the one freaking out and panicking, and I’m the one to comfort him. But that’s not what happened last night. I had a really bad trip from smoking some of Bob’s weed, and it made me go fucking crazy. I thought I was gonna die. I was so scared, more than I have ever been in a long time. I remember shaking and sweating and barely able to speak or even breathe. It was like I was having a full-blown panic attack, which is something I haven’t experienced in ages. I wish I could go back in time and tell my stoned self that it’s just that, and that I wasn’t dying, but then again, when I do have episodes like that, it sometimes feel like I really am dying. There were times when I was in high school where I literally had to walk out of class and to the nurse’s station just to recollect myself. It would happen unpredictably without any warning. I could be perfectly fine minding my own business, then spiral down into a complete neurotic mess, shaking and hyperventilating like crazy. God, I must’ve looked like a complete idiot in front of everyone. I do feel like one. I got both me and Gerard all worked up over nothing. I made him upset...again.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I don’t know why that happened. I was scared shitless over nothing. I scared you, Gerard. I’m sorry,”
“It’s okay, Frankie,” Gerard smiled. “It was just a bad trip. That’s all. Shit happens, y’know?”
“No, it’s not that. I scared you to death, and it was all over me being way too paranoid and dramatic. I shouldn’t have smoked with you guys. I ruined your special night. I ruined everything-”
“Frank, stop it,” Gerard interrupted, his voice stern. “No more of that, okay?
“Of what?”
“Of you beating yourself up like that. I don’t wanna see you do that. It just makes me upset. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t mess up anything. It’s all over and done with, okay?”
I really should just drop it. I still feel like it’s all my fault, but I don’t wanna upset Gerard. He already doesn’t look too happy. Far from it, actually. Doing so would be like pouring salt on an open wound. That’s it. I’m gonna shut up now.
“Alright…” I said. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop,”
“Why are you saying sorry, Frankie? You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”
“Oh, I’m-” I paused, stopping myself from saying that stupid five-lettered word again. “Okay…,”
“It’s alright, baby,” Gerard patted my head, ruffling my already messy black hair. “I had so much fun last night. Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. No one has ever done anything for me like that, let alone on my birthday, except for Elena, and…,” Gerard stopped, his lips faltering over the words they can’t seem to let him speak. “...and...daddy and-and m-mama…,”
I can’t help but frown seeing Gerard still unable to talk about his parents without being reminded of those horrid memories of what happened to them. He still can’t keep a straight face talking about the people that he loved, all of them now dead and gone forever. He has gotten better with it lately, not freaking out as much while speaking about them and all, but he’s still not fully there yet. There’s still some fixing that needs to be done for him. In fact, a lot of fixing. He still has a very long way to go.
“You alright, Gee?” I asked, letting the coffee in my hands get cold. Gerard sighed, running a hand through his hair, trying to hold back all those demons inside his head.
“Yeah, I’m fine. My bad. Anyway…,” he shot his head up at me, smiling a bit, but genuinely. “About what I said last night...I have some big news,”
“Oh, yeah!” My eyes lit up. “What is it, Gee? Good or bad? Please let it be good!”
“Oh, it’s good,” Gerard replied, the smile growing bigger. “In fact, really good news! I’m so excited!”
“That’s great!” I smiled back, seeing Gerard so elated. When he smiles, so do I. “What is it, Gee? Tell me!”
“Well…,” Gerard took a long sip from his black coffee. “You see, I’ve been doing a lot of research over the past several days. Doing a lot of work on the computer, busting my ass off, you know?”
“Right,” I nodded. That is true. If Gerard wasn’t writing or painting or whatever else, he was on the computer, and quite a lot too. I don’t know what exactly what he was doing, though. I never paid close attention. “What were you doing?”
“I’ll get to that, alright? Don’t get too ahead of yourself,” Gerard smirked, taking another small sip of his daily fix. “So anyway, I finally got around to going through with this after far too long. You helped me build up the courage to do this whole thing, and for that, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. None of this would have ever been possible, had it not been for you,”
“Of course, Gerard,” I blushed. “Anything for you. You’re welcome, honey,”
“Frankie...did I not already tell you how lucky I am to have you? Or did I already tell you that millions of times already?” Gerard pressed his lips to mine, leaving me a short and sweet kiss and lightly poking me right on the nose. “Because that’s how I really feel, baby. I’m so glad to call you all mine,”
“Same here, honey,” I laughed. Now Gerard is just buttering me up here, even though I can safely say all that for myself. I’m so blessed to call him mine too, but he needs to tell me already! What’s this big news here? Damn it, Gerard! Quit beating around the bush and tell me now! It’s killing me! “So, what is it, Gerard? What do you wanna tell me?”
Now I know for a fact that I was right when I said Gerard was buttering me up, seeing the smile fade from him, much to my worry. It really is big news alright...maybe too big.
“Frankie…,” he said, taking a deep breath, his hazel eyes big and staring right at me. “I have…,”
“You’ve what?”
“I have...found one of them…,”
What? What is he talking about? That’s not enough!
“Hmm?” I cocked my head to the side, furrowing my brow. “What do you mean?”
“What, you don’t know?” Gerard looked at me like I was speaking nonsense. “I have tracked one of them down! I found Irvine Bagninski, in New Jersey. I now know exactly where he lives!”
Oh, no…
He’s talking about that…
He’s talking about one of the two men that killed his mom and dad…
Oh, fuck me...I was not prepared for this…
“O-oh…,” I muttered. That’s literally all I can say. What the hell can I say? I’m at a loss of words. I don’t know if I’m really willing to-
“So now that I know where he is, thanks to all that time well-spent on a lovely tool called the deep web, finding all his information that just so happened to have been leaked, I can finally scratch his name off my kill list, after all these years!” Gerard continued, enthusiasm and sheer elation just radiating from him, looking like he just won the lottery or something. “We’re gonna have to take a road trip all the way to Jersey, jumping in between different motels just to be safe, but that’s alright. I’ve got everything all covered, baby. Everything’s all planned out, and all that I need now is your help!”
Good lord. I seriously don’t know how to respond to this. Gerard wasn’t kidding when he said that this was big news. It is big, alright. Way too big. He actually wants me to help him murder someone...and the worst part is, I already told him I’d help him get his revenge. I told him I’d help him kill someone, for fuck’s sake! There’s no doubt in my mind that Gerard wants to shed Irvine’s blood as grotesquely as the other people he’s killed, and he actually wants me to take part in all that. Seriously, how in the hell am I supposed to take in all this? My mind can still barely process what the hell Gerard just told me. If I back out of what I told Gerard what I’d help him do, what kind of person does that make me? A liar? A fool? Actually, no. I’d be both those things, especially a fool. On the other hand, if I do go through with helping Gerard kill Irvine, then god knows what kind of trouble we’ll get ourselves in. It could end up costing us our whole lives, as far as I’m concerned. What if we get caught? Then what happens? Nothing good, that’s for sure. How the hell can I say yes to help killing someone? How can I keep a straight face with what’s taking place right now? What the fuck do I even do?
“Isn’t this great, Frankie?” Gerard patted my back, making me jump due to me spacing off, being so caught up with the conflicting thoughts racing through my mind. “I finally have the chance to get this fucker’s blood on my hands...and I get to do it with you!”
“Well...uh...Gerard, I…, ah…,” I stuttered, still unsure where to even begin. I just can’t keep my cool around him. I can barely fucking speak at all. I can already feel myself visibly shaking, the hairs on the back of my neck rising up. I think that was when Gerard took the hint that I’m not taking all this as well as he hoped I would.
“What’s the matter, sugar pop?” Gerard put a hand on my shoulder, his touch making my skin crawl. “Aren’t you happy for me? I’m finally get to rain vengeance upon the two monsters that took...d-daddy and...m-mama away from me! You should be excited, Frankie!” I can see the discomfort slowly settling into Gerard, his speech constantly stumbling over the mentioning of his parents, the grin from his face slowly fading.
“Gerard,” I sighed deeply. “You weren’t kidding when you said it was big news…,”
“Well, of course I wasn’t. You alright, baby?”
“Gerard,” I said his name again, my tone of voice giving off maybe too much of an edge of seriousness, seeing him wince a little at how I just addressed him. I need to tell him the truth. I need to tell him how I really feel. It’s the best thing I can do now. “It’s not just big, it’s huge. I really don’t know how to take in all this…,”
“Oh…wh-why’s that, F-Frankie?” Gerard whined, his beaming eyes wide and full of hurt, so much that it physically hurts me to see. It also hurts to see how bewildered he looks, not seeming to understand the weight of what he just threw at me unexpectedly.
“Gerard…you’re asking me to help you murder someone! That’s a lot to ask for, don’t you think? I can’t say yes to something like this right away. I don’t know if I can do that. It’s just so much. I’ve never killed anyone before. I-”
“B-but...but F-frankie!” Gerard interrupted, his voice shifting into that familiar high-pitched childish tone as his disenchanted eyes grew bigger. “Y-you told me you’d...h-help me, right? You told me you’d help me get my...r-revenge, didn’t you?”
“Well...yeah, I did, but…,” I said truthfully, already feeling defeated as much as Gerard must be right now. Slowly but surely, I am tearing away all the hope and joy Gerard had, and I feel like total shit because of it. I am a horrible person and a big disappointment. “You need to understand that...I just...I just can’t say yes right away. I need some time, Gerard. I need time to think this over. I have to-”
“N-no!” Gerard hissed, his tearful and ice-cold eyes glaring at me bitterly as his whole body shook violently. “You sh-shouldn’t have to...th-think about it….Y-you have t-to say y-yes….Y-you s-said you’d h-help me….Y-you p-promised me!”
“Gerard, I can’t make any promises about killing someone though!” I exclaimed, my patience with Gerard starting to vanish. He just doesn’t understand. He’s fucking oblivious, and it’s frustrating as much as it is downright unnerving. “Don’t you get it, Gerard? I’m not the one that murdered seven fucking people. You just can’t expect me to say yes to something like that and not-”
“Bullshit!” Gerard spat, a strand of spittle flying from his mouth and landing right on my cheek, his face only inches away from mine. I backed away, only to find myself cornered with my back up against the wall, the hysterical and enraged Gerard keeping me trapped. Now I feel stupid. All I did was add fuel to the flame that’s so close to destroying me. “Y-you told me y-you would...h-help me, F-frankie. You…y-you lied to me!”
I think I should run...no, I need to run. I have to get the hell out of here, away from Gerard. He’s losing it, and his next target to pounce on is standing right in front of him, scared shitless and unable to get away. If I dare to move a muscle, I know damn well it’ll land me in a much worse position than I’m in now.
“G-gerard…,” I stuttered under chattering teeth, slowly losing my ability to breathe right. “Gerard...stop it. You’re scaring me,”
“You fucking lied to me, Frankie!” Gerard cried, his shaky and kid-like voice choked back by his sobs. “Why would you lie to me, Frankie? You promised me you’d help me kill them both, and now all of a sudden you’re backing out? If you won’t kill these men with me like you said you would, what else are you not gonna do? What else do you wanna lie to me about, Frank? Huh? You shouldn’t have to think about it if you really cared.You shouldn’t have to fucking think about it if you really love me. You don’t, Frank. You don’t fucking care. You don’t fucking love me, do you?”
“Of course I love you,” I said weakly, feeling myself curl up in a vain attempt to defend myself from the venomous and rageful Gerard cornering me, leaving me vulnerable and hopeless. This isn’t the Gerard I love. This isn’t the same Gerard I met in the dark basement, all alone and cut off from the world beyond his trashed haven, wanting nothing but someone to be with to chase away the monsters in his head. This is someone different. I hate this Gerard. I am scared of this Gerard. This Gerard is one of those monsters I’ve been running away from for too long. “I do love you, but you need to stop. You’re really scaring me. You need to step back and stop-”
“Oh, boo-fucking-hoo!” the monster growled, lunging even closer to me, his red and terrifying face obscured by it’s black hair the only thing I can see now. His claws for hands grabbed my shaking body, pinning me up against the corner of the lair that is the fiend’s room. I can’t see anything but it’s face breathing over mine, his twisted brown and green eyes leering at me like a snarling wolf over it’s fallen prey. “What’s the matter? Huh? Is the big bad Gerard fucking Way scaring the little Frank Iero, the man that doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone but himself? Well?”
“Gerard, stop it!” I screamed, pushing and shoving under his tight grasp on me, barely making him even stumble a bit. “Get off of me! Let me go, please!”
“You don’t fucking care! You don’t fucking love me! You’re a fucking liar, Frank. A motherfucking backstabbing lying son of a-”
“Get the fuck off me!” With another hard and final shove, I pushed Gerard off of me, his head making a loud thud as his body hit the floor. That’s it. I am done. I’ve had enough. I need to run, as far away as I can from the monster that just put it’s filthy hands on me. He almost hurt me again. He told me that he’d never hurt me, only to do just that anyway. He’s a fucking liar, just like me. I darted across the room and to the door, not thinking twice about the decision I made. As I reached for the doorknob, my eyes foolishly glanced over at Gerard still lying on the floor, looking up at me with those deceiving doe-like eyes. He’s trying to play the victim after what he just did to me. I’m not buying it.
“F-frankie…,” he whimpered, clearly begging for my over-indulged sympathy and attention. “You...y-you hurt me, F-frankie…,”
Are you fucking kidding me, Gerard? Goddamn you.
“No!” I spat, feeling myself tremble with bottled-up anger. “You hurt me too. You laid your hands on me first, and you know it. I had every right to fight back. You fucking deserved it, Gerard!”
Oh my god...did I really just say that? Did I really just open up my mouth and tell Gerard that he-
“F-frankie…,” he cried in that childish voice, backing away from me and retreating himself into a curled up ball, burying his weeping face into his hands. “Y-you hurt me, F-frankie! You hurted me, F-frankie! You h-hurted m-me!”
Dear fucking god. What kind of a sick and fucked up person I am to say that to him? I was wrong. Gerard isn’t the monster. Maybe I’m the monster that’s hurting him. I told him he deserved to be hurt, which is something that was done to him one too many times in his broken and haunting past, surrounded by abusive foster parents and heartless bullies. What the fuck is wrong with me? Who the hell do I think I am to say such a thing? I am scum. No, I’m worse than that. I’m much worse than scum. Calling myself scum would be far too lenient and generous.
“Gerard, don’t cry. Gerard!” I called out to him, barely able to hear my own voice over his loud cries erupting throughout the whole room. I hope to fucking god no one can hear us, knowing how deafeningly loud his sobs are, making my ears ring and my head throb. I reached out for him, kneeling over his cowering body curled up on the carpeted floor. I made him cry again. Now I need to calm him down. “Gerard, stop crying! I’m sorry! I-”
“No!” he screamed, swatting his hand away from me. He sat up and backed further away from me, stumbling in his own aimless path. Those doe-like eyes of his vanished, replaced with the hateful hazel orbs that are beaming at me once again. “You’re not fucking sorry, Frank! You are a goddamn liar! You don’t care about me! You don’t love me! You’re a liar!”
“Gerard, stop it! Please, just calm the fuck down and-”
“No!” Gerard’s hand flew up and across his own face, sending his head down and hanging, hidden under his mass of messy black hair. He then shot back up at me with those same manic eyes, the half of his face now a bright throbbing red. He smiled and let out a roaring laugh, as if taking pleasure in what he just did to himself as he continued to indulge in his own self-inflicted pain. “You don’t care, Frank! You don’t care! Youdon’tcareyoudon’tcareyoudon’tcare-”
“Stop it!” I reached for Gerard’s self-harmful and restless arms, struggling to hold them down and away from him. “Stop it, Gerard! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hurting yourself, please!”
“GO AWAY!” Gerard screamed at me again, his voice distorting to one that’s so viciously loud and monstrous beyond words as he shoved me off of him. That’s when I knew damn well that I had to run for my fucking life. I’d be suicidal to keep myself put around this raging lunatic.
“GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!”
I did just that, jolting right out of Gerard’s bedroom and up the stairs, slamming the door shut behind me. Thank fucking god Ray and Mikey are not home right now. They’re thankfully both at work. I’m not worried about Bob, though. His stoner ass could care less what goes on in this godforsaken place. The last thing I want is to make a big scene outta my frantic and terrified self. If Ray and Mikey were home, they’d obviously be wondering why the hell I’m huffing and puffing and running like a motherfucker, away from the man that’s far outta his own corrupted and sick mind.
_ _ _
I barely uttered a word for the rest of the night. I kept myself away from everyone too, including Gerard. I shouldn’t even have to explain why that’s so. I am at a complete loss of words after what just unfolded downstairs recently. I’ve distanced myself far from the basement door, confining myself to the living room upstairs on the futon. Ray and Mikey obviously saw that something just wasn’t sitting well with me. They both know that I’m usually down in the basement with Gerard if I wasn’t out at work. Mikey even asked me if anything went wrong between me and Gerard, but I just simply told him that we both had a small argument, and that I needed time away from him. He thankfully didn’t press on the matter or even go to check up on his bat-shit insane older brother downstairs. I’m confident that he clearly knew in his mind that what the hell just happened between the two of us was none of his damn business. Either that, or he knew that whenever me and Gerard got into an argument to stay the fuck away from him, and for good reason. Anyone dumb enough would have to have a serious death wish to even go near him after all that took place beforehand. With all that being said, I can undoubtedly say that I am a major fucking dumbass for letting myself fall right into a giant trap, that trap being my toxic “relationship” with Gerard. If I make one more wrong move on top of the many ones I’ve already done, I’m SOL and JWF--shit outta luck and jolly well-fucked.
As I pissed away the rest of the day keeping myself glued to the living room futon, I created a long list in my uneasy and racing mind. The contents of this list are what my options are, considering the possibly life-threatening position I landed myself in long ago. Unfortunately, each option in this trivial scenario is as unsatisfying and downright questionable as the next. Gerard isn’t just this big, loving teddy bear I can hug. He’s much more than that. He’s more than just a convicted killer and escaped mental patient; he’s a fucking psychopath. He’s just like a ticking time bomb that’s nearing to the count of zero, and if I dare cut the wrong wires, everything will be destroyed, including the two of us. Our twisted bondage with each other has reached the point of no return, meaning that I can’t just leave him out of the blue or turn him in, and expect nothing to happen in the aftermath of it. Oh, no. No fucking way will Gerard let all that slide. He will find me, one way or another. This is the same guy that’s managed to escape from a high-security mental institution and stay off the radar for a shockingly long time, on top of killing four people upon his getaway from Trenton State Hospital There’s no doubt in my mind that, without hesitation, he will add more people to his body count, including myself. He would want my severed head on a silver platter, or mounted up on a wall like a taxidermied deer. I would be responsible for the death of more people, as well as myself, and because of that, I’d be incredibly guilty. I am a fucking fool and am way too sincere for my own good, but despite how ungodly deranged and homicidal Gerard is, there’s still a part of me that loves him to tears. I still need to fix him. Giving up on him will not only prove Mikey right about his brother, but also leave him behind to wither away in his own insanity and pain, when he doesn't deserve such a thing at all. With that being said, does helping him kill someone really prove all that? It isn’t just any person though. It’s someone that’s been let off the hook far too easily despite doing something downright sinister and malicious to a handful of innocent people. Not only that, but he's one of the men responsible for making Gerard the way he is. If it hadn't been for what happened to Gerard and his parents, he would have never become so psychologically damaged. He would have never been through a slue of foster homes. He would have never been abused and raped. He never would have snapped and killed anyone so viciously. If it hadn't been for the motherfucker named Irvine goddamn Bagninski, Gerard would have never become broken. It's not that difficult for me to hate this man with a burning passion because of all this. With all this is mind...is it really worth it for me to accept Gerard's request (or rather more like his demand) to help him hunt this guy down? Is it really worth it for us to possibly sacrifice both of our well-being, and even our freedom (that is, if we both get caught, god forbid) just to go out of our way to fulfill Gerard's life-long revenge quest? If it really does fix him...then, I will have to say yes. It may be worth it after all. Gerard is worth it all, even killing for.
Holy fuck. What kind of man am I to be so willing to help someone like Gerard in adding one more casualty to his kill count? Does that make me a fool, amongst other things? If so, I could care less. I'd rather be a fool than someone that isn't willing to do just about anything to help the person I love. Gerard was right, as crazy as it sounds. If I really do love him like I say I do, then I am willing to help him finish what he started so long ago. I need to continue to let Gerard cool down and talk to him tomorrow morning. I need to tell him I'm sorry for the dismal and (mostly) inexcusable things I let myself do to him. I need to tell him that I will help him. It's for his sake. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: he's worth it.
_ _ _
It had to be at around nine when I woke up. In other words, it was still too fucking early for me, especially considering the fact that I have the opportunity to sleep in since I get to remain what’s left of my weekend off from work. The reason why I chose not to get extra sleep time in was because I simply just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. The whole night consisted of me attempting to fall asleep, only to wake up a nearly frantic and shaking mess from either the thought of seeing Gerard again and giving in to his rather forceful blood-shedding invitation, or from the same nightmare over and over again that kept replaying in my mind; it’s contents was something that’s scarily not foreign to the depths of my mind--Gerard taunting my fallen body with my severed head hanging from his hand, a malicious smile and dripping bloody nose displayed on his snow white face. There’s no doubt that that recurring dream is the end result of me saying no to helping him, or running away from him or turning him over to the authorities, which ultimately defeats the purpose of me backing out. I not only want to help Gerard, I have to.
After getting dressed and having a couple cups of coffee, I reluctantly headed back downstairs, making my way down the steps and into the living room. Before I could stop to take some deep breaths and tell myself to calm the hell down, I started to hear something off in the distnance; it’s coming from beyond Gerard’s door around the corner. I can hear his voice, clearly distressed and argumentative. Something definitely isn’t right. I need to hurry my ass up and get to him. I won’t even bother to knock on his door and wait to be let in. There’s no time for that. There’s something very wrong with Gerard. I can almost feel it, so much that it makes me sick.
“Gerard?” I called out, charging right down the hall and into his room, nearly taking the bedroom door off it’s hinges when I darted inside. He’s on his bed, his back facing me with his shaking body all curled up, looking anything but okay.
“Stop it! Leave me alone!” he spat, his face buried in his hands, muffling his agitated cries
“Please go away! Please! Stop laughing at me! Ple-”
“Gerard!” I exclaimed, running over to him and shaking him. “Gerard, who are you talking to?”
“Get out!Get out of my head! Get-”
“Gerard, listen to me! It’s me, Frank. Who are you talking to?” I shook him again, trying my damndest to get his full and undivided attention, away from whatever voice he’s arguing with in his head. “Look at me, Gerard! Look-”
“Frankie?” Gerard gasped, turning to me.
“Ger--ahh!” I nearly screamed and felt myself go pale when I saw him. He looked like he just got beat up to a bloody pulp, that person truthfully being himself, much to my dismay. His right eye is so swollen like the rest of his face, the lids dark red and puffy, obscuring one of his hazel orbs for eyes. His bottom lip is like that as well, with drops of blood coming out of a gash on the upper chin. He is so bruised too, the new black and blue ones overlapping the older green and brown ones scattered all over his wounded face. There’s also blood coming from his nose, dripping out in a small line from his left nostril, leaving drops all over his white shirt…
Oh, god...just like in the dreams I keep seeing of him-
“F-frankie…,” he frowned, seeing how much he spooked me and left me outright speechless. I think he’s close to crying, just like how I am right now. “Frankie...oh Frankie, I’m-”
“Gerard…,” I slowly cupped my hand around his bruised face, my eyes still barely able to fully take in how much he’s really damaged his precious self. “Gerard...oh-oh my god...what did you do to-”
“I’m sorry…,” Gerard pulled himself away from my hand, hiding himself in that defenseless ball of his. “I’m sorry, Frankie...but...b-but-”
“But what?” I blurted out, trying to not let my tears get the better of me, but failing miserably, feeling myself on the verge of breaking down right in front of the self-wounded man. “But what, Gerard? Why? Why do you do this to yourself all the time? It’s wrong!”
He didn’t even attempt to justify what he did to himself. He just sat silently, shielding his guilty self from a now furious yet devastated me. He looks so weak and vulnerable, his face bloody and beaten to a pulp. He looks so much unlike how he was last night when he laid his hands upon me. It’s like the tables have turned for us. He’s the one now cowering in the corner, fearing and intimidated by the predator towering over him. It’s like he’s the one that’s afraid of being hurt now...by me, out of all people.
“I’m sorry…,” he whimpered again. “I’m sorry, Frankie….I’m sorry, baby….I’m sorry-”
“Shhh,” I said in a hushed tone, silencing his marathon of apologies. “It’s okay, Gee. It’s alright,” I gently reached out for him, slowly helping him out of bed and up to his feet. Surprisingly, he didn't resist, but my god is that a good thing. I really need to get him cleaned up. I need to tend to his wounds. I can't stand to see him like this at all. It's just like seeing one of those tear-jerking ASPCA commercials showing those abused and neglected animals, their eyes full of utter fear and pain. It's just too hard for me to look at without feeling my soul shatter to pieces.
>I walked Gerard into the bathroom and sat him down on top of the commode as I looked for some first aid supplies in the medicine cabinet. I found some rubbing alcohol as well as some band-aids and cotton balls for him and began to tend to the gash above his chin, lightly dabbing at it with a cotton ball doused in running alcohol. Gerard didn't even wince a bit the whole time, despite how much it must’ve stung for him. He just kept his apologetic eyes on to me, lettng me do my work.
“I'm sorry, Frankie…,” Gerard said again for the hundredth time. “I'm sorry I let myself do all that,”
“Do what?”
“Do...what I did earlier,” he sighed remorsefully, looking lower than a dog.
“Hmm?” I furrowed my brow, puzzled by Gerard's lack of specific detail. What is he sorry for? For hurting himself? For maybe getting a little too out of hand with me? For what? “What do you mean?”
“For...doing something bad to you, Frankie. Something really bad. For hurting you,”
“Gerard,” I shook head woefully, moving over to treating the wound on his nose, wiping the blood off. “It hurts me even more when you do this to yourself. Why do you hurt yourself like this all the time?”
”B-because…,” Gerard stuttered, his lips quivering as he struggled to speak. “I...I-I have to. I deserve it…,”
”Wh-what?” I just about fell right on my ass from the ridiculous thing Gerard just said. “No, you don't! What the hell are you talking about? Why would you say that-”
”B-because…,” Gerard cut me off, bringing his head down in shame. “You told me so. You're right. I do deserve it…,”
”No, you don't!” I raised my voice, unaware of the fact that I might frighten Gerard again, which I of course would never wanna do to him. “You don’t deserve to be hurt by anyone, and that includes yourself! Come on, you know better than that!”
”But you know it's true!” Gerard snapped, the tears he's been holding back getting the better of him. “I deserve it because I let myself hurt you again! I am just so pathetic, Frankie. I’ve lied to you so many times. I keep saying I'll never hurt you, but...I end up doing just that! I keep hurting the one person I love, the one person that means the whole world to me! What kind of person does that make me, Frankie? Huh?”
Gerard buried his face in his hands again and began to weep. I really don't know what to say, to be honest. He has hurt me one too many times, despite all the promises he's made to not do so. He told me that he loves me, but what kind of love is it to constantly hurt someone? A very fucked up kind, I can say that much. But does that seriously mean Gerard deserves to be beaten black and blue because of it? No, of course not. Why? Because I love him too much to let that kind of thing happen to him. I took Gerard into my arms,letting him sob his heart out into my chest.
”Why, Frankie?” Gerard sniffled. “Why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep coming back to me despite all I've done to you? You deserve better than this, Frankie! You deserve so much more than me!”
”That's not true, Gerard,” I said, stroking his messy-haired head.
”Why not? Tell me! Please give me one good reason why I'm wrong about that!”
”Because...I just love you too much to let you go. I just love you too much to let you get hurt, Gerard. You don't need to be hurt...you need help,”
p. You need to be fixed,”
Speaking of help, I need to tell him. I need to let him know that I’ve made up my mind. I have to tell him that I’m indeed willing to help him hunt down Cecil and Irvine, as much as I still feel hesitant to do so. Helping Gerard murder someone, let alone two people, may as well equal throwing my whole life away, especially if we end up getting caught for the crime we’re both about to commit. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. I will not rest until Gerard is fixed, and Gerard will not rest until he gets his sweet revenge, and if that’s what it really takes for me to fully accomplish my mission to fix this broken man, then by all means, I’m willing to do it. This absolutely doesn’t mean that Gerard doesn’t ever need to seek professional help, though. Killing these two men will not make all of his psychological issues disappear like magic. After all, Gerard still does experience unpleasant flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse that was inflicted upon him from the Richardsons, even after getting payback on all of them by murdering all four family members is grisly and devastating ways. But after all the horrid things I’ve seen and been told about Gerard’s past that has corrupted him so much, I want to help him as much as humanly possible. I am by no means a psychiatrist or any other kind of mental health professional, but that doesn’t mean that within my power, I can’t help put him back together.
“Gerard, listen to me,” I gently pulled his face up to mine, my fingers wrapped around his chin. I wiped at his tearful eyes, the both of them staring right at me. “There’s something I need to tell you…,”
“Wh-what?” he sniffled.
“I…,” I gulped, knowing that my whole life has yet to change at this very moment. “I’ll do it, Gerard,”
“You…what?” Gerard looked at me like I just told him that I’m related to the queen of England. It’s like he thinks I’m pulling his leg, or that he just didn’t hear me right. “You…you what, Frank-“
“I’ll do it, Gerard! I’ll help you kill Irvine, as well as Cecil,” I exclaimed, hoping I don’t have to repeat myself again. “I’ll…help you get your revenge,”
“R-really?” Gerard’s whole face lit up, his eyes wide and full of joy. “Do you…really mean that? You’ll really help me…kill the men that k-killed…d-daddy and…m-mama?”
“Yes, Gerard. I do mean it,” I paused. There’s something he needs to do for me. It’s for the sake of the both of us, especially his. “I will help you…but only under one condition,”
“What’s that?”
“I will help you if…,” I held out the little blood-stained cotton balls wrapped up in my hand, the ones I used to treat Gerard’s self-inflicted wounds. “You never, ever do this to yourself again. No more of this, Gerard. Do you understand me?”
“Oh…,” The smile fell from Gerard’s face, turning into a frown of utter doubt. He bit his lip, clearly frustrated with what’s just been laid out to him. “But Frankie…that’s not gonna be easy for me,”
“I know it isn’t, but it needs to stop,” I sighed, already getting annoyed with how stubborn Gerard can be sometimes. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Nothing is worth hurting yourself over, just like nothing is worth taking your life over. I don’t wanna see you hurting yourself anymore. You are too precious to do this to your beautiful self,”
“Frankie…I understand what you’re saying, but…there’s a reason why I hurt myself,”
“Well, there shouldn’t be! There’s no reason to ever harm yourself, and this is coming from someone that used to frequently cut his own wrists as a teenager. You shouldn’t be mutilating yourself like this! You don’t deserve this, Gerard! I’ve already made that clear to you, didn’t I?”
“You did, but…,” Gerard paused, looking defeated.
“But what?”
“There’s another reason why I’ve always hurt myself like this, Frankie. It’s helped me,”
“With what, Gerard? How can hitting yourself in the face all the time possibly-“
“It makes them go away…,” he hugged himself, hanging his head down in shame.
“Makes what go away?”
“Hitting myself makes…,” he sighed deeply. “It makes the voices in my head go away. It makes the bad memories go away. It makes all the chaos in my head vanish. The more I hit myself, the more it makes the voices stop talking to me and laughing at me. I have to fight them off to make them stop. It’s the best I can do, Frankie. I know you’re mad at me for doing this, but there isn’t a better way for me. There never has been. I’m sorry…,”
“It’s okay, Gerard. That’s why I’m here. I wanna help you,” I smiled, stroking the side of Gerard’s face, my fingers running over his bruised skin. He of course smiled back, his bruised face visibly blushing. “I wanna make those voices go away,”
“I know, Frankie. I know you do, but…how will you go about doing that?”
“Well…,” I leaned in closer to him with my face so close to his, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck, sitting my body on top of his lap. “I am no professional in psychiatry, but maybe this will help…,”
Our lips locked, our breaths growing heavier with every second that passed us by. It’s felt like forever since my lips have been blessed with Gerard’s, and it feels so good beyond words to taste them once again. I’ve also been missing how Gerard moans a lot while we kiss. I love the sound of it. It’s music to my ears.

Notes