The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

All throughout my shift at work, I tried to avoid memories of yesterday like a bad habit, but to no avail. I just can’t get over the fact that Gerard was responsible for the murders of four more people. Sure, they were all pathetic pieces of human waste for all the horrible things they did to him, but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that Gerard killed them all, viciously and mercilessly no less. I can still remember in my head every fleeting moment of what Gerard spilled to me, losing himself to his own psychotic madness in the process. What’s also really unsettling was the way Gerard handled the whole matter ever since that time; he pretty much acted like the conversation never even happened in the first place afterwards. Earlier this morning when I was getting ready for work, he was joyously singing his soul out while painting some mural on his easel, looking like the happiest man on the fucking planet. He was happy-looking, alright. Too happy, in fact. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing Gerard happy, but seeing him like that not long after confessing to me about brutally killing his abusive former foster family just doesn’t sit well with me, and it’s not hard to see why that is. I really want to put the memories of yesterday behind me, as much as it’s clear that no matter how much I do, it won’t ever make a difference; Gerard still killed them all. He’s killed seven people in total. Seven fucking people. Seven people that--in his eyes-- deserved to be executed, all at the work of his hands.
I couldn’t go a single a moment at work without thinking of Gerard; he’s consumed my life that much now. Seeing Gerard has always been the first thing to come to my mind whenever I clock out of work every night. I see his face every night in my dreams, and he’s the first face I see when I wake up in the morning next to him. My whole thought process has consisted of nothing but Gerard Way, Gerard Way, and even more Gerard Way for the past god knows how many days. Now that I know that he really is a killer, I still don’t know how to process all this. I still love him to death, but how in the hell can I live with what he’s responsible for doing in the past?
When it got close to time for me to clock out, I decided to look at the work schedule for next month since March is coming to a close. I made my way up to the break room after cleaning up the merch booth and took a glance at the printed copies of the work schedule hanging on a bulletin board. As I grabbed myself a copy, something came to my mind; something very obvious that I feel guilty for not realizing sooner. April is around the corner. Gerard’s birthday is in April. Holy shit, he’s gonna be twenty-eight in a little more than a week!
Yes. This is the perfect opportunity to help me get yesterday off my mind. Me, Ray, Bob, and Mikey will all throw him a surprise birthday party. I know Gerard would love it. It won’t be anything huge, though. I sure as hell don’t plan on inviting anyone else over like what Ray did when he threw me that surprise party months ago congratulating me on my new job. This party for Gerard will just consist of the five of us. The last thing I wanna do is freak Gerard out, being crowded around a bunch of strangers at a birthday party.
When I got home, I brought up the idea to the guys, with Gerard out of sight. They fortunately all happily agreed to help out. Ray and Bob decided to work on decorating, while Mikey chose to be in charge of getting the food, like snacks and a cake. While all this will be going on without Gerard’s knowledge, I’ll take him out somewhere he’s familiar and comfortable with like Juarez Park and keep him occupied, waiting for a text message from Mikey saying that the party’s all set up and ready. While we were all planning, I had to be sure that Gerard never got a hint about any of it. Not spoiling the whole thing for him is crucial. We also all decided to each get a gift for him too. It didn’t have to be anything pricey, just anything he’d like, like some new vinyls for his record player or some art supplies. We soon all made up our minds on what to get him; Ray and Bob settled on getting him a watercolor painting set, while Mikey decided to get a Batman comic book collection for him. I, on the other hand, had no idea what to get for him, until Gerard helped me make that decision. Over the past couple or so weeks, Gerard has been going on about how much he really wants a pet, specifically a cat. There’s one problem, though: Gerard is allergic to them. Because of that, he decided to settle on something smaller, like a ferret or a hamster. He said that it would be much easier to clean up after, rather than having to constantly clean out a litter box and worry about a cat leaving hairballs all over the place, or worse, droppings. All Gerard would have to do is stay on top of feeding the animal and cleaning up it’s cage regularly. On top of responsibilities coming with having a pet, there’s another issue with Gerard going out and getting himself a furry friend--he can’t step out into the public eye; not with the criminal background he has. Wouldn’t that just be a kinda hilarious, yet sad way for a criminal to get caught? Some known killer one day decides to go out to his local Petco to get a new pet hamster or ferret, only to be put in handcuffs. So, with all the issues surrounding Gerard finding a new ferret/hamster, that helped me decide exactly what to get him. It’ll be perfect.
On the morning of Gerard’s birthday, I woke up early and went out to the local pet store to get Gerard his new furry friend. I first insisted on getting a ferret, but was kinda bummed out when I learned they were all out. They’re just so adorable and small and wiggly, I could buy myself like five of them. I also couldn’t stop looking at all the puppies that were on sale; I’m a real sucker for dogs. If Gerard is a cat person, then I’m definitely a dog kind of guy. I soon settled on buying Gerard a hamster. I picked out this female one that’s all black with a few white patches on it’s face and tummy. I know Gerard would want the black and white one. That’s the one he’d definitely pick. I know him that well now. Along with the hamster, I got some food and a new cage for her. Before I got home, I texted Ray, who was already up at the time, to hide Gerard’s hamster in his and Bob’s room while we got the party all set up. We all decided it was best to for me to take Gerard out to Juarez Park while the guys were at home getting everything ready.
It had to be around eleven when Gerard finally woke up, the first thing upon getting out of bed making himself some coffee, of course. He looks so cute freshly awake, walking around the house in his Star Wars t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, his long dark hair a lightly ruffled mess. He looks far more adorable than any puppy or ferret in the whole world, so much it always brings a warm smile to my pink and blushing face.
“Good morning, sunshine!” Gerard exclaimed happily, despite the clearly sleepy look on his face. “The earth says hello!”
“Morning, sleeping beauty,” I said, suddenly remembering what day it is today. “Happy birthday, honey,”
“Oh,” Gerard’s eyes widened a bit, laughing. “I’m twenty-eight already? Damn. I almost forgot today’s my birthday! Thanks, baby,”
When was the last time Gerard celebrated his own birthday? When was the last time anyone celebrated it with him? Hell, when was the last time he’s celebrated any holiday? Christmas and New Year’s for us came and went almost like any other day. We did exchange a few gifts Christmas morning, but other than that, not much else festive. We didn’t even stay up for the countdown on New Year’s Eve. Today is probably the first day in a very long time Gerard has celebrated any holiday, let alone his own birthday. He’s spent the last several years all alone, with no one to celebrate with him. I think that’s what’s gonna make this surprise party very special for him; he’s gonna be surrounded by people that love and care about him, which is something he’s never had for far too long.
“Hey, Gerard,” I said, remembering what the game plan for today is supposed to be leading up to aforementioned surprise party. “You wanna go do something today? Go to Juarez Park maybe?”
“Sure,” Gerard nodded. “If you really want to, we can do that,”
“Yeah, kinda getting a little stir crazy. Been awhile since we’ve been out anywhere, you know?” I said truthfully. I am kinda getting sick of being in this house for most of the day, besides work. A walk through the park with Gerard does sound really good right now.
“It has,” Gerard poured himself a cup of coffee, motioning to his mug. “A couple cups of this and a bath, then we can go, alright?”
_ _ _
While Gerard took his bubble bath, I continued to practice on the ukulele to kill the time. I’ve separated myself from it for too long; I gotta stay consistent with practicing, especially if I wanna surprise Gerard with something a little extra special along with the party we’re gonna throw him when we get back from the park. When Gerard got out and dressed, we took a cab to Juarez Park, the chilly and nippy weather getting the better of me, because like the ADD-minded dummy I am, I forgot to bring my jacket. Gerard, on the other hand, looks more well-prepared, clad in a black leather jacket, a black and gray striped scarf, and dress pants that are also--of course--black.
“Are you sure you’re not too cold?” Gerard laughed a little, seeing me shivering a little. I don’t wanna make it look like to him I’m a complete idiot, letting the mistake of me forgetting my jacket really get to me, shaking helplessly in the cold. How can an idiot fix someone anyway?
“I’m fine, really,” I said through chattering teeth. “I’ll survive. It’s not that bad,”
“No, sugar,” Gerard peeled off his jacket, revealing a black button-down shirt with a black and white-striped tie. He handed me the jacket, his hand waiting for me to accept it. “Here, you need it more than I do,”
“No, thanks,” I shook my head. “Seriously, I’ll be okay-”
“Take it, Frankie,” Gerard raised his voice a bit, unable to stifle the laughter in it. “I demand you do. The last thing I wanna see is you suffering and freezing your ass off,”
I think I really should take it. If Gerard wants me to borrow his jacket, then godspeed to him, I guess. I just really hope Gerard doesn’t suffer from the cold as much as I am right now. I hate to see Gerard shivering. It’s a sad sight for me. Giving in, I grabbed Gerard’s jacket and put it on, immediately blessed with the warmth of it. I love the way it feels, as well as how good it smells. It smells just like him, strong of cigarettes. I used to hate the stench of cigarettes so much, but I now only like the smell of cigarettes because it reminds me of Gerard, of course.
“Thanks,” I said.
“No problem, baby. I don’t want you to be cold, that’s all,”
“But I don’t want you to be cold either, Gee,” I frowned, dreading the moment that time comes, if it ever does, at least.
“Relax. This isn’t so bad. I can handle it,”
“If you say so,”
“Oh my god…,” Gerard suddenly froze dead in his tracks, eyes as wide as golf balls. He gasped, covering his wide open mouth with both hands.
“What’s wrong, Gee?” I asked, feeling my heart skip a beat.
“Nothing, Frankie...look!” Gerard pointed a finger over at a small animal sitting perched on the bench under a tree in front of us. It’s a black cat, it’s topaz-green eyes glowing in the shade, mewling and purring softly, all curled up in a little snug ball. Gerard squealed joyously, jumping up and down, having the resemblance of a teenage fangirl at a boy band concert. “Oh my god, it’s so cute! I wanna touch it!”
“Be careful, Gerard. Aren’t you allergic to-”
Ignoring me, Gerard darted straight over to the cat, kneeling down and petting it. I’m surprised it didn’t run away from the grown man going crazy over it. It just sat there, welcoming the love and attention it’s being showered with, nuzzling it’s face up against Gerard’s hand.
“Fucking love cats, Frankie!” he exclaimed. “Cats or get the fuck out, man!”
“I can tell you really love cats, Gerard,” I laughed, kneeling down next to Gerard and petting the cat with him. I can tell it’s a stray, seeing how dirty it’s fur feels on my hand, as well as how thin he (or she) is. I can only hope that it’s spayed and doesn’t have fleas or anything like that. “But you’re allergic to them, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, I am,” Gerard muttered, sneezing a couple times. “I don’t care, though. I love them so much. I really wish I can take this little guy home with me,” he sighed remorsefully. “I’ve always wanted to own a pet,”
“I know, Gee. I know,” I smirked, remembering the new pet I bought for him that’s waiting for him at home. “It’s a lot of responsibility, though,”
“I know it is. I’d take good care of it, y’know. If I had the money, I think I’d end up turning my whole room into a petting zoo. No one can stop me. Hell, I wouldn't be able to stop myself! I just love animals so much!”
“Oh my god, Gee. I can tell,” I shuddered at the thought of how much the place would stink of...well, animals. I don’t think I’d be able to keep up with how much cleaning up after them I’d have to do. But if that’s what Gerard wants to do, then good for him. It’s honestly really cute in a way how much affection he has towards animals, much unlike his distaste towards certain humans, and what he’s been capable of doing to them in the past.
After what seemed like hours of Gerard unable to keep his hands off the cat, it soon stood up and scurried away into the bushes. Gerard waved bye to it, cooing at it like talking to a small child before sneezing a few more times. We then continued to walk further down the road until I felt a vibration in my phone. I pulled it out and saw that it’s a text message from Mikey, telling me that the party’s “fuckin’ ready” (that’s literally what his message to me said. He just couldn’t dropping the F bomb there). We may not have been at Juarez Park that long, maybe like a little more than an hour at most, but I don’t wanna keep the guys back at home waiting for too long. Something tells me that we’ve got a long night ahead of us all; a night to remember.
“Hey, Gerard,” I said, putting my phone away. “I think we should head back home now,”
“Really?” Gerard furrowed his brow. “Already? We haven’t been here for that long,”
“I know, but…,” I gave in. It won’t hurt to let him know that something’s waiting for him at home. “there’s something I wanna show you. I have a surprise for you,”
“Really?” Gerard’s eyes lit up. “For me? What is it, Frankie? Tell me, tell me, tell me!”
“You’ll never find out what it is until we get home,”
“Aww, come on!” he pouted, crossing his arms. “Not even a hint?”
“Nope,” I shook my head. “Not even a hint. Not until we get home,”
“Oh, alright,” Gerard huffed. “Okay, let’s go. I’m already dying to know what it is!”
_ _ _
Throughout the whole entire cab ride home, Gerard kept begging me to give him a hint of what the surprise back at home is, but I didn’t budge. No matter how much I refused to give in, Gerard kept pleading and whining, like an impatient little kid. We must’ve looked like a couple weirdos to our cab driver that didn’t speak a lick of passable English, but whatever. I really wanna blow Gerard away when he comes home. I really wanna see the look on his face when we all surprise him. I know he’ll love it so much. I can already feel my heart racing as we began to make it to the front door, leading a blinded Gerard in front of me up to it.
“Come on, Frankie. You can’t just tell me now? I can’t see shit!” Gerard whined, keeping his eyes shut with his hands over them.
“No, Gee. No opening your eyes til I say so!” I opened up the front door for Gerard, leading him in through the silent darkness of the kitchen and down the hall into the living room, where Ray, Bob, and Mikey are all waiting for us. I flipped the switch, bringing light into the place. “Alright, Gee...now!”
“Surprise!” they all exclaimed, jumping up from behind the couch and chucking confetti right at us as Gerard opened up his eyes. “Happy birthday, Gerard!”
Gerard stood there still as a statue, his jaw nearly hitting the ground. He eyed the room that’s covered to almost every inch in party decorations, his eyes darting back and forth between me and the gang, whose heads are each crowned with colorful pointy party hats. He does look surprised, alright...almost too surprised. In fact, he looks shocked, like he just saw a ghost.
Oh, no...I spooked him, didn’t I? Son of a-
He smiled, letting out a nervous and shaky laugh that just doesn’t sit well with me for some reason. It’s probably because it sounds almost too much like how he was laughing yesterday, giggling over the memory of him brutally murdering the Richardsons. It’s a laugh that genuinely freaks me out, sending chills down my spine.
“Ah hah...ah haha...ah hahaha...ah hahaha!” he chuckled, grinning bashfully. “A surprise party...for me?” he turned to me, leaning into my face before planting my lips with a soft kiss. “You shouldn’t have…”
“Only for you, honey,” I whispered, happily accepting his lips being pressed on to mine. I think Ray, Bob, and Mikey all completely lost it at that moment. There’s no hiding our relationship now. What’s the point, anyway? There’s no harm in them knowing, is there?
“Oh, come on!” Mikey groaned loudly, shielding his eyes from the sight of his older brother locking lips with another man. I swear Mikey still gives me funny looks after he walked in on us that one night when we were...well, in bed together. “Get a room, guys!”
“Oh my god! Damn it, Ray!” Bob exclaimed, throwing up his arms up in defeat.
“Oh, yeah!” Ray cheered. “See, Bob? Fucking called it! I knew it! I knew it all along! Where’s my twenty bucks?”
As Bob woefully reached into his pocket handing Ray his now lost bet money, Gerard grinned ear to ear and pulled me into a bear hug, nearly suffocating me in his grip.
“You did all this for me?” he asked.
“Not just me. It was my idea, but we all did this for you!”
“Really?” he turned to the rest of the guys. “You all did this for me all along? All of you?”
“Of course!” Ray exclaimed. “We got you a cake and presents and everything! Me and Bob got this place all prettied up while Mikey went out and got the food!”
“Yep,” I nodded. “That’s why I wanted to take you out to Juarez Park, so the guys here could get everything set up, y’know? I told you it was a surprise!”
“Oh my god, you guys…” Gerard smiled tenderly, facing us all. “You guys are amazing. I love you all!”
“We all love you too, Gerard,” Mikey replied, patting his brother on the shoulder.
“I love all you guys too!” Ray sang melodramatically. “Fuck it, let’s yuck it up with a group hug!” And with that, we all did, the whole gang together crowded up into a big loving hug-a-thon.
After all that fun, Ray, Bob, and Mikey all gave their gifts to Gerard, who eyed his new comics and painting set in admiration, going on about how much he’s excited to start making more watercolor paintings and go on a Batman comic book reading binge. That’s when I excused myself to go get my gifts to hand to Gerard, as well as my ukulele. Along with Gerard’s new pet, I have something else special just for him. Something I’ve been working on for weeks now. Something I practiced the hell out of playing.
“Here you go, Gee,” I said, handing Gerard two boxes, the bigger one covered up in Spiderman-themed wrapping paper, the other that’s simply just a shoebox with holes punched into it. “From me. Open the small one first,”
“Oh, thank you, baby,” Gerard took both boxes from me, not even strangely eyeing the hole-punctured and unwrapped shoebox. I guess he just loves getting presents that much, no matter how poorly the gift’s box is presented to him. He threw the lid off, his whole face lighting up with utter elation as he looked inside, seeing the little black and white hamster inside, scurrying around. “Oh my god...it’s a hamster! It’s so cute!”
“Good timing, huh?” I laughed. “You kept going on about how much you wanted a pet, so...I knew just what to get you!”
“Oh, Frankie! She’s adorable!” Gerard wrapped the little animal in his hands, holding her up to his awestruck face. “I love it so much! Thank you, sugar!”
“You’re welcome, honey,” I smiled, giving myself a mental pat on the back for getting the right gift for Gerard. With the hamster perched on Gerard’s right shoulder, he seized at the wrapping paper of the bigger box, screaming in joy when he revealed what the gift was: a big, pink hamster cage with built-in play toys like a wheel, as well as a food and water box, just for her.
“Oh, it’s for the hamster, Frankie! Oh, this is so perfect!” Gerard hugged the box tightly to his chest. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Frankie! This is all so perfect!”
“What are you gonna name your new friend?” I asked, petting Gerard’s new furry companion, sitting comfortably on Gerard’s shoulder. It’s like they’re meant to be buddies, and it’s so cute to see.
“I think I’m gonna call her...Lola!” Gerard patted the hamster on the head. “She’ll be named Lola. How’s that?”
“That’s a great name. I’m glad you like her,” I stood up, holding up a hand to Gerard as I prepared myself to give my final gift to the birthday boy. “Wait here, Gee. I have one last thing for you,”
“Oh, really?” Gerard gasped. “What is it?”
“You’ll see in a bit. I need everyone to be quiet, though,” I walked over to the couch and grabbed my little ukulele case, pulling out my prized musical possession.
“Okay!” Gerard turned to Ray, Bob, and Mikey, who are all crowding around Lola still perched on his shoulder like a parrot. “Shush, guys! Frankie says you all gotta be quiet!”
“I’m gonna play a little song for you, Gee,” I said, readying the instrument in my arms, getting it tuned. I really hope that I am prepared. I should be prepared. I am shaking and sweating though, and my heart is racing. I was right. I really am not one to play in front of others. But I gotta do it. I’m gonna do it just for Gerard, the man I can’t help falling in love with. “I’ve been wanting to play this to you for a while,”
“I’m ready, sugar,” Gerard grinned, the whole place growing quiet.
Alright, Frank. This is it. You can do this. Just breathe. Just fucking breathe and count to three. One...two...three…
“Wise men say, only fools rush in,” I started, strumming the notes on my ukulele, my eyes right on Gerard. “But I can’t help falling in love with you. Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can’t help falling in love with you? Like a river flows, surely to the sea. Darling, so it goes, some things were meant to be.Take my hand, take my whole life, too…,”
“Cause I can’t help falling in love with you!” All the guys except for Gerard, who is just sitting there with his legs crossed with a smile on his face, joined in singing along with me on that line. I didn’t expect any them to do that, but oh well. I don’t mind at all. I am doing good. I gotta keep going.
“Like a river flows, surely to the sea. Darling, so it goes, some things were meant to be, oh...Take my hand, take my whole life, too….,”
“Cause I can’t help falling in love with you!” Ray, Bob, and Mikey all chimed in again, louder than before. “Cause I can’t help falling in looooooooooove wiiiiiiiiiitttthhhhhh yoooooou!” They all cheered, applauding me as I was coming to a close. I can’t ever stop myself from smiling, as well as my eyes from watering up, seeing the smiling Gerard with his hands cupped over his mouth, crying tears of sheer happiness.
“But I can’t help...falling in love...with....you,” I sang, ending the song with a final note.
“Oh my god…” Gerard gasped, wiping at his eyes. He clapped his hands, leaping up to his feet. “That was beautiful!”
“Just like you, Gee,” I sighed, relieved I didn’t drop dead from a heart attack playing in front of others. I jumped a little when I felt Gerard nearly collide into me, wrapping his arms tightly around me once again. I, of course, let him in, holding him close to me. I swear I can still hear Gerard crying. But he’s not crying because he’s sad. He’s crying because he’s so happy, knowing he’s loved.
“I...I love you, baby,” he whispered, pecking my cheek with a kiss. “I can’t help falling in love with you, Frankie,”
“Neither can I,” I held his face up to mine, closing in for a kiss. “I love you too, Gerard…”
_ _ _
The rest of the night went by with all of us...well, partying, obviously. We all devoured the birthday cake until it was nothing but a plate of crumbs, had some drinks, watched a marathon of hilariously cheesy old-school horror flicks, and played some Donkey Konga and Super Smash Bros. on the Gamecube. Gerard, being the goofball he is, suggested we play a game of what he dubbed “pin the tail on the Mikey”. Of course, Mikey wasn’t pleased at the sound of that idea one bit. With Gerard’s bizarre version of pin the tail on the donkey chucked right out the window, we all sat around in the living room, the whole place riddled with trash that none of us bothered to pick up. Ray, the supposed neat freak of the household, doesn’t seem to be bothered. None of us care. This is a night to let loose and take a break from the daily grind. The cleaning up can wait. Right now it’s one-thirty in the morning, and I think it’s safe to say that we’re all a little wiped out from being a bunch of animals--a bunch of animals that are clearly not sober, especially Ray, Bob, and Mikey--who all decided to take a few too many tokes from Bob’s wacky-tobaccy. I can’t help but laugh at them all. Ray took off the shade from the lamp and decided to use it as a hat, dancing around like a slap-happy maniac with it on, the thing veiling over his fro. Meanwhile, Mikey is rambling next to a tranced-out Bob about his odd obsession with unicorns, wishing he could just hop on one and “fly away from this sad world”. That just leaves me and Gerard, the both of us sitting cross-legged on the floor only a bit buzzed from the few drinks we each had earlier, our noses filled to the brim with that strong and smoky scent of what Bob likes to call “the sweet leaf”.
“Frankie,” Gerard said, his eyes focused on Lola, perched in his lap. “This is...uh, pretty awkward...”
“What is?” I asked.
“What do you think?” Gerard motioned his head over to a high and bloodshot-eyed Ray, Bob, and Mikey sitting behind us up on the sofa.
Oh, that. Duh. Can’t really say I don’t agree with him. It does feel weird, aside from it being kinda hilarious.
“Hey guys,” Bob suddenly said, nudging me on the shoulder. “Why don’t you join us? Got some good stuff here. You’re missing out!”
Call me a prude, or someone who’s been hiding under a rock, but in all the twenty-three years I’ve been on this planet, I’ve never once smoked pot. You could say that that really doesn’t come as a big surprise, considering the uptight and conservative household I came from, being the only child of two strict parents and all. However, that’s not to say my friends were ever really the same way. If anything, they’re all pretty much far from that. The closest I’ve gotten to pot was watching others do it, including said friends. I really don’t know if I should give it a try. Something tells me that I’ll end up really regretting it if I do-
“Oh, why the fuck not?” Gerard replied, surprisingly accepting Bob’s offer. “Hit me up,”
“Alright, man! That’s the spirit!” Bob exclaimed, handing Gerard his lighter and painted glass pipe.
“Wh-what?” I stumbled over my own words, finding it hard for me to envision someone like Gerard smoking a bowl. Drinking? Sure, I guess. But...smoking pot? “Gerard, y-you’ve smoked weed before?”
“Of course I have, baby. Who hasn’t?” Gerard flicked on the lighter, bringing it to the pipe and taking a long hit. He then released his lips from the mouthpiece, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath before slowly exhaling, the smoke running out of Gerard’s mouth as he craned his head back in a relaxed and hazy ecstasy. He soon opened his eyes, a smile slowly forming on his face. “Oh my god, Bob...you weren’t kidding at all...this is some good shit,”
“Told ya, man,” Bob nodded in agreement. “You bet your ass it’s good stuff,” he then turned to me, seeing how awkward and silent I am, seeing what’s unfolding in front of me right now. I was right. It really does feel odd being the only one in the room sober. “C’mon, Frank. Try some!”
“Oh, ah…,” I stuttered, unsure of what to even do right now. “I don’t know, not sure if I really wanna-”
“Oh, come on, baby!” Gerard nearly shoved the pipe right at me. “Try this, it’s really good!”
Sweet Jesus, Gerard...you’re really not making the situation any better here.
“Yeah, Frank!” Ray chimed in, the lampshade still sitting on his head. “Don’t be such a party pooper. Join the fun!”
“Please, baby?” Gerard cooed. “Just try it. Just fuck everything and try it. Everything in this world is all fucked up. Let’s just take one day off from fucked up. Don’t be the odd one out, Frankie. I don’t want you to get left out,”
“But, Gerard...you guys, I-”
“Come on, Frank! Do it, do it, do it!” Bob chanted, the rest of the guys, including Gerard, joining in and chanting in unison. “Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it-”
“Alright, alright!” I scoffed, giving in. There’s just no use fighting it. Fuck it. I’ll try it, and if I like it, great. If not...well, I’ll never do it again. “Let me try,”
“Alright, baby! Now we’re talking!” Gerard cheered, handing me over the pipe again. I reluctantly grabbed it, feeling the warm glass against the skin of my now shaking hand. I don’t know if I should be excited or scared. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what to do. My mind just can’t seem to make itself up. I’m going fucking crazy, aren’t I? I wrapped my lips around the mouthpiece as Gerard flipped on the lighter again, blazing up the little wad of half-burnt kush sitting in the bowl, waiting to be smoked.
“Okay, breathe in, Frankie,” Gerard prompted. “Slowly inhale it in, and don’t stop,” I obeyed, feeling the smoke travel down my throat and fill up my now stinging lungs. It wasn’t long before my respiratory system gave in, sending me into a coughing and gagging frenzy. I can’t stop coughing. My chest and throat hurts so bad. I feel like shit. I have this horrible taste in my mouth, and goddamnit, I just can’t stop coughing. It’s like I’m coughing up my own lungs. I am a coughing wreck; a wreck that can’t smoke right like everyone else.
“I’m sorry,” I gagged. “Oh my god, Gee...I’m sorry, I can’t-” I clenched onto my chest, falling back into the coughing fit. My throat’s so fucking dry. I can barely speak. I feel so sick. I feel-
“Oh, baby,” Gerard put a stroking hand on my back, patting my body curled up in a ball as my coughing fit continued. “It’s okay, sugar. It takes time before you get used to it. You inhaled too fast. You gotta hold it in for the stuff to kick in faster,”
“I dunno, Gerard,” I shook my head, nearly gagging at the thought of tasting that awful stuff in my mouth again. “I think I’ll pass. My throat is killing me-”
I covered my mouth with both hands, trying to stop myself from coughing and hacking all over everyone. It just never ends, does it? I’m still fucking hacking and wheezing as much as an asthma kid without his inhaler. I’m hopeless.
“Here, man,” Mikey tapped my shoulder from behind me. I turned around to find him standing over me with an open bottle of water in his hand, his eyes as red and squinty as everyone else’s. I grabbed the water from him like lightning and chugged it down, feeling the aqua drench my hoarse and stinging throat.
“Holy fuck,” I sighed. “Thanks, Mikes,” Before I could even hear Mikey say you’re welcome, my eyes came across Gerard taking another hit, with Bob and Ray cheering around him. I am at a loss of words. How can he smoke that stuff without coughing his insides up? How can anyone handle that shit? Just like last time, Gerard released his mouth from the pipe, closing his eyes and arching his head back. He then opened up his mouth into the shape of an O, the smoke exiting from it in small floating rings.
Whoah...he can smoke rings? That’s...really fucking rad, actually. Damn, is there really anything Gerard can’t do?
“Yeah, man!” Bob exclaimed. “Way cool, dude!”
“How do you do that?” I asked. I kinda wanna try and do it. I don’t wanna look like the pathetic newbie next to everyone else. I feel so alienated. I’m not cool. I wanna be cool like everyone else. Everything here is cool but me.
“Oh, it takes practice, baby. Gotta really use the tongue and throat to pull it off-”
“Let me try!” I reached out for the pipe. “I wanna try, Gee!”
“Oh, really? Here,” Gerard handed the pipe back to me, guiding it to my lips with his hands still on it as I readied my lips around the mouthpiece again. “Remember to inhale slowly. I’ll tell you when to stop and hold it in, okay?”
I nodded in response as Gerard lit up the bowl again, then did as Gerard said, slowly breathing in the smoke and feeling it travel down inside me again. It still really stings and tastes bad, but not as bad as before. I don’t feel so shitty anymore. I feel relaxed. Too relaxed. Nothing hurts anymore. I’m not anxious and freaking out. Everything’s fine. Too fine. Something doesn’t feel right, even though it feels good somehow.
“Alright, stop,” Gerard prompted. “Hold it in, baby. Take a deep breath in and don’t let it out yet. Keep it all in there,”
I gasped in slowly, holding the smoke in my lungs as I breathed in slowly and quietly. I closed my eyes again. This isn’t so bad after all. I fucked up the first time, but now I’m doing good. I don’t look like an uncool idiot now. I am cool. I am cool and relaxed and peaceful and-
“Alright, open your mouth now, in a big O, and-”
My throat and lungs caved in on me again, rejecting whatever the hell I just put in it’s body out of my mouth, throwing me into yet another marathon of coughs and gags. Goddamnit, I screwed up again. That’s okay, though. I really am done. My throat hurts like a bitch. I feel so tired. I’m too tired to do anything. I feel so dizzy and lightheaded. My whole body feels so light, like a feather. I can just float away with a sweep of the wind.
“Alright, Frank!” Bob sang. “You’re getting it, man! That’s a real strong hit you took there!”
“You’re getting it, sugar pop,” Gerard patted me on the back. “I think that’s enough for you. You feeling anything?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, unable to hold myself still. My body feels so light. It keeps rocking back and forth, and I can’t stop. “I feel...weird…what is this?” I leaned back, suddenly losing my balance and falling flat on my back, waddling face-up like an upside down turtle laying on it’s shell. I probably look really stupid right now, but...that was hilarious, actually. In fact, it’s so hilarious that I’m laughing my ass off.
“Uh oh,” A bloodshot-eyed and grinning Gerard leaned over me, holding out his open hand for me. “Need a hand?”
“Yeah, thanks,” I grabbed hold of Gerard’s hand as he pulled me back up, until he suddenly stumbled over me, like his shoelaces are untied or something, and fell forward, sending the both of us down and back on the floor, the weight of Gerard’s body on top of me and pinning me down. I ended up hitting my head in the process, thumping right up against the dingy carpeted floor, and it of course hurt like a son of a gun.
“Ow, damn it, Gee,” I winced in pain, rubbing the back of my now throbbing head, still feeling so lightheaded.
“Sorry, sugar pop,” Gerard replied. “I guess I just got so emo I fell apart,”
Oh my god, Gerard….Oh...my...god!
Okay, now that was really fucking hilarious. I’m laughing again, so hard that I swear I’m close to pissing myself. Gerard’s laughing too, and so is Ray, Bob, and Mikey...which, of course, makes it all even funnier. We’re all high. We’re all laughing. We’re all happy.
_ _ _
I don’t know if whether one hour has passed, or four and a half. Time seems to be non-existent right now. The last god knows how long has been nothing but a blur to me. I kept on asking Gerard and the others what time it is, and sometimes they’d tell me, or they’d just flat out ignore me. I don’t know if it’s because they can’t hear me or they’re getting sick of me constantly asking them the time. I keep trying to look at the clock on the wall, but I don’t know if I can even trust that. I’d look at the time, then away for a while, then look again and see that barely five or so minutes have passed, yet it feels like it’s been hours since I last looked. It’s like the clock is lying to me almost. Everything is just slipping away from me. Either that, or I’m the one that’s slipping away from everyone. All around me are familiar faces, laughing and goofing off and doing fuck all. Gerard is rolling around on the floor while talking complete nonsense I can’t put together in my loopy-ass mind, while Ray is still dancing and frolicking around with the lampshade over his head. Meanwhile, Mikey is sitting on top of Bob’s back, riding on him just like the unicorn he keeps fantasizing about. I really don’t know what’s going on, and I am scared out of my mind right now. I remember I was laughing with everyone else earlier, but I’m sure as hell am not laughing anymore. I’m frozen, sitting in the same spot on the floor, unable to move a muscle in my body, no matter how much I command it to. How long have I been sitting here? I really don’t know. It’s like my own body is giving in on me, leaving me as an empty lifeless shell. Seriously, what’s happening to me? What’s happening to everyone else? Nothing feels right. I need to know what’s going on!
“Gerard?” I called out weakly, my voice hoarse. No one had to hear me that time. I’m not loud enough. “Gerard, can you hear me?” I turned to him, seeing him still rolling around on the floor. He didn’t even look at me. It’s like to him I’m not even there!
Oh my god. What if I’m not the only one that’s slipping away? What if it’s all of us? We all smoked Bob’s weed, after all. What if there was something laced in that stuff, like a drug that makes us all lose our minds, and soon our own lives? I already feel like I’m dying. My heart’s racing, I’m sweating so much that I’m just about soaked to the bone, looking like I just stepped out of the shower with my clothes on. I can barely breathe right, feeling my chest constrict and suffocate my lungs. That’s why I can’t move. I’m fucking dying!
“G-gerard!” I called out to him again, trying my damndest to get his attention. “Gerard, help me! Please!”
No response. He’s still on the floor. He’s not rolling around anymore, though. He’s lying face-down on the floor. His body is still. Too still. He hasn’t moved an inch. I can’t see him breathing. His chest isn’t rising and falling. He’s just lying there like a ragdoll, and no one is helping him. I would run to him and shake him to just wake up already, but I can’t. I still can’t move!
“Gerard? Can you hear me?” I yelled, yet again hearing no response.
Oh, no...is he dead? Is it too late to save him? Oh god...oh, no...this can’t happen!
“Gerard! Gerard, look at me! Open your eyes! Please, wake up! Please, wake the fuck up!Please, Gerard...please!”
It’s no use. It’s too late. He’s already dead, and no one can save him, not even me. I have failed. I failed to fix him. He’s beyond repair. I can’t fix something that’s dead!
“Gerard! Gerard, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Gerard! Gerard! GERARD!”
I am a failure...a failure that’s dying, surrounded by people that are also gonna die soon. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t save him. I can’t do anything. All I can do is scream and cry, waiting for my impending doom. I shut my eyes, curling up into a shaking ball, hugging my useless body, feeling it collapse and give in on me.
“GERARD! GERARD! GERARD! GER-”
“Frankie? Frankie! Calm down, it’s okay!”
I felt something scoop me up off the ground, holding me into it’s arms. I don’t know who’s arms they are, but they feel strong. They just took me and lifted me up with no struggle at all. Whoever is holding me deserves my thanks. At least I’ll die being in the comforting hold of someone that’s still well and living. At least this person cares about me. At least they’ll let me cry in their arms as my life comes to a final close. Who’s holding me, though? I need to tell him thank you. I need to see who it is.
“It’s okay, sugar pop. Don’t cry. I’m here,” the man said, cradling my small and weak body as he held me close to his body that reeks of weed and cigarettes.
Gerard…?
“What?” I looked up at him. I know that face. That beautiful, breathtaking face.
Oh my god...he’s alive! Gerard’s not dead! He’s alive and breathing!
“Gerard!” I cried, burying my face in his chest and weeping helplessly. I just can’t stop crying. I’m gonna die in Gerard’s arms, right in front of him. “Oh my god, Gerard! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Gee! I have failed you!”
I’m so pathetic. He’s gonna lose me forever. He’s gonna be all alone. Who’s gonna fix him when I’m gone? Who’s gonna be there for him when he’s alone? Who’s gonna wipe his tears away when he’s sad? I really have failed. I really am a dying failure!
“I’m sorry, Gerard! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna leave you alone! I don’t wanna leave you unfixed! I-”
“Shhh,” Gerard put a finger over my lips, sealing them shut. With my body still snug in his arms, he walked down the stairs and to his bedroom, laying me down under the covers of his bed. “Hush, baby. You’re not dying. You’re safe,”
Wait...what?
But I am dying! Does he not see? I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything. I’m losing myself, and I can feel it! I’m as hopeless as a terminally-ill cancer patient on his deathbed, the machines hooked up to him failing to keep his body alive and working. What the hell is Gerard talking about? Is he blind or something?
“What?” I mouthed. That’s all I can say. I barely have the strength to speak anymore. I’m that close.
“You’re not gonna die, Frankie. You’re just having a bad trip. You’re paranoid. That’s normal for some people when they’re high. I swear you’re not dying. I’m not gonna let that happen to you, baby. I promise,”
“R-really?” My eyes widened. Is he for real? Is he pulling my leg or something? “I’m not dying?”
“No, you’re not!” Gerard laughed, getting under the covers with me. “What do I gotta do, spell it out for you? You are not gonna die!”
“Do you swear?”
“I swear on my fucking grave, baby,” Gerard leaned forward and cupped my face into his hand, blessing my still hot and sweaty skin with a kiss right from his sweet and smooth lips. “I don’t know what the hell I’d do if you were dying. I’d be a real mess. I’d lose my fucking mind if I lost you!”
Oh my god. He’s right after all, isn’t he? I am not dying! It really is just from the effects of the weed. I’m still breathing! I’m alive! I am alive, and it feels so great! Gerard makes me feel alive!
“Oh, honey!” I squeezed Gerard in my arms like a big stuffed teddy bear, daring to not let go. I’m also not even attempting to stop myself from crying. There’s no fighting it. “Oh, Gerard...thank you! I just...oh, Gerard, I can’t stop crying! I just-”
“That’s okay, Frankie,” Gerard returned the favor, hugging my shaking body. “Tears are words that the heart cannot express,”
I don’t think I could ever stop myself from crying until I felt my eyes grow heavy with tiredness. That’s okay, though. Gerard was right what he said about tears. I laid my head down on his chest, hearing the rhythm of his beating heart thumping under his ribcage. It’s so relaxing to hear as I shut my eyes, slowly drifting into an oncoming deep sleep.
“Hey, Frankie,” Gerard whispered, stroking my head on his chest. “I have some very big, very important news for you,”
“What’s that?”
Gerard responded with a long pause of silence for what seemed like ages, until he sighed woefully, like something was wrong.
“Never mind. I’ll tell you in the morning,”
“Are you sure?” I asked, immediately concerned. Something’s up with him. I can feel it.
“Yeah, I am. Now’s just not the right time. I promise I’ll tell you in the morning, alright?”
I must say I’m a little disappointed. I wanna know what he wants to tell me. I just have to know! I guess all I really can do is wait til morning, just like he said. But that’s alright. It’s worth the wait. Gerard is worth waiting for. He’s worth everything to me.
“Happy birthday, Gerard,” I said, before slipping into unconsciousness.

Notes