If I was dead

Gerard's pov

Great a foster home, I have no chose in where I go anyway, I honesty want to melt into the ground and never be seen again. "Almost there." Debra said, she was the one driving me to the foster home, I could barely hear her over my music that was blasting from my headphones. After a hour drive we finally made it to a two story house with blue shutters and a fenced in years. I slowly got out of the car zipping my black hoodie on, it was fucking cold. I took my headphones out as Debra handed me my bag and my backpack, I didn't really have anything but a couple of sweaters, skinny jeans, sketch books and pencils, a couple of books and another pair of converse. I followed Debra up the stairs, she knocked on the door and a few seconds later a women opened. "Hello Debra it's been so long. Hello Gerard, I'm Ana, come in." Ana said holding the door open for us, Debra gave her a hug and walked into the house. I followed carrying my bags, Ana smiled at me, I stared blankly back which didn't seem to bother her. "I have all of the paper work and read through his file." Ana said handing Debra a stack of papers, Debra looked through them smiling. "Everything seems to be in order, it was great seeing you Ana, sorry I can't stay but I need to file these right away. Goodbye Gerard." Debra said hugging Ana and waving goodbye to me before leaving, after she shut the door I turned back to Ana. "Frank, please come down here." Ana called up the stairs, she turned back to me smiling widely, she was so happy it kinda made me sick. "I've read your file, I know you don't talk and I won't try to get you to talk, your medicine is already in your room. Welcome to your new home hun." Ana said giving me a hug, my whole body stiffed from her touch, no ones tried to hug me since I could remember, it felt really weird. "What?" A voice said making me jump a little, Ana turned and I could see a got with long brown hair, he was actually really cute. "Frank this is Gerard, I told you he was coming today. Gerard this is Frank, and Frank can you show Gerard his room." Ana said, Frank started at me for a second before leading me to my room. He stopped at the last door I the hall and open it. "Here you go, the bathroom is the first door to the left, my room is next to yours, the other room has a tv in it." Frank said, I nodded and walked into my new room, it was a good size, it had two bedside tables with lamps on them, a full sized bed, and a dresser with a little book shelf next to it. A bag was on the dresser which I assumed were my pills, I forgot Frank was still there. "So you don't talk?" Frank asked leaning against the door frame, I nodded not looking up at him as I started putting my things into the dresser. "That's cool, I wouldn't want to talk either with this messed up world that we live in." Frank said before walking away, that was a little odd, but who was I to judge? After unpacking I took my headphones and blasted Misfits, laying on the bed looking up at the ceiling. After a while I got bored and walked down stares, Ana was making something in the kitchen while Frank watched tv in the living room, Pokemon was on, cool. I sat down as far away from Frank as possible, it wasn't that I didn't like him it was because I liked space. Frank looked over at me and then back at the tv, I know the theme song by heart, Pokemon was kinda the only thing I watched as a kid. "Next week you will be enrolled at Frank's high school." Ana said looking at me from the doo frame, I slouched down, hell here I come. "Don't get so down, the school is very nice and there is a lot of monitors there." Ana said happily, her happiness was making me sick, and what she said didn't cheer me up at all. Frank was laughing softly from his seat, I wonder what was so funny. "Dinners done if you want any." Ana said waking back into the kitchen, I wasn't hungry like normal and didn't move from my spot, Frank hooped up and went into the kitchen. He came back with a plate filled with salad, tomatoes, cucumbers, and croutons. He ate and watched the tv, I was extremely bored, it felt weird how they were kinda acting like I wasn't there but I didn't mind. After Frank ate he looked over at me questionly. "Why aren't you eating?" He asked raising an eyebrow, that make him look extremely attractive, I shrugged right when Ana walked in. "There's food in the fridge if you don't like what I made." Ana said, she looked at me questionly like Frank did when she saw I didn't eat. "Your welcome to anything in the kitchen." Ana said sitting down on the couch next to Frank, I got up and walked back upstairs bored out of my mind. This is fun, now I'm just gonna go hang my self with my bordeness, I went to my room and shut the door turning my music on so I could draw and sketch. I had a week before I had to go to school, and with how 'fun' this house is it will probably take forever for this week would pass which was good. The only good thing that has happened today was meeting Frank, he was really cute but he probably though I was a freak. I felt frustrated at my self and slammed my sketchbook shut, and set it next to me laying down to stare blankly up at the ceiling as Black Flag played. I closed my eyes and fell asleep feeling frustrated at myself and the world like normal.
I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart racing, stupid ass nightmares. I sat up slowly remembering where I was, I got up and changed into my pajamas. It was only eleven at night, I kinda felt tired still so I laid back down again. Ugh that stupid nightmare make me really jumpy and scared of the dark, the dark was pretty scary. I laid in bed for a hour before giving up on trying to go back to bed, I put my headphones blasting music and I started to pase. It helps me think and it calms me down a lot, I did that for a half on hour without stopping. I didn't notice that my door was open and Frank was standing there watching me until he moves. I stopped and took my headphones out, he leaned against the door frame. "It sounded like you were running a marathon in here." He laughed still staring at me, I couldn't think of any emotion that matched his face as he started at me. "We'll try to keep it down." He said shutting the door behind him, how long was he there for? I laid back down and finally fell asleep back into the nightmares and the sorrow.
I woke up in the morning feeling like shit which was normal for me. Slowly got up and rubbed my eyes trying to adjust to the light, it was fucking bright in here. I kinda tumbled out of bed and laid on the carpeted floor which kinda was comfortable. I slowly pulled my self off the ground and make my way to the kitchen. "You okay kiddo? I sounded like you fell." Ana said as she washed whatever was on here hands off, I shrugged and sat at the table, there was eggs, bacon, and toast on the table with two mugs of coffee. I started to drink it, coffee was kinda my life line, I couldn't love without it. Ana sat down and started to eat, I took a peice or toast and nibbled at the corner, Frank came down the stares fully dressed and ready for school, he looked really tired though. "Good morning Frank." Ana said happily as Frank sat at the table and at some toast and bacon which looked like vegetation bacon. Frank ate fast, got up saying goodbye and ran out the door. "So kiddo what do you want to do today?" Ana asked cleaning up Frank's plate, I shrugged and nibbled my toast, I could tell this week was going to be extremely slow.
Every day it was the same, Frank left for school, I would mope around the house, Frank would come home, do homework and eat dinner then go to his room. I honestly felt so depressed there with nothing to do, I didn't have anything to detract me from my thoughts. I stood in the bathroom with my razer in my hand, I roled my sleeves up and cut. It honestly didn't hurt anymore, I didn't really fell pain from cutting, but it made me feel better after. After added ten new cuts over my scars and others I cleaned up. I jumped back when I saw that Frank was standing with the door slightly open, did he see what I did? He looked at me sadly but didn't say as I walked to my room, shut the door, and started to cry into my pillow. He's never going to like me now that he knows, I was so use to people not likening me that I just didn't care, but I actually wanted Frank to like me.

Notes

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