Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse and violence ahead. Please read cautiously!

"Like last night, they are not like tremors, they are worse than tremors,
they are these terrors. And it's like, it feels like as if somebody
was gripping my throat and squeezing and..." --Sleep // My Chemical Romance


"You worthless piece of shit! Come back here!" I struggled to get up and run away from the monster that is my father. I felt blood dripping from my nose and I tasted the sharp metallic tang of it in my mouth. I felt weak, my body aching all over as I heard my mom's deafening cries. My vision was just coming into focus when my father's hands pulled at my shirt and hurled me at the floor again. I coughed blood. It hurt, it fucking hurt everywhere. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I maintained my fetal position in the floor. I keep myself small as possible while the monster kept on kicking me. When he got tired of kicking me, he turned to my mom. I can hear his heavy footsteps and the muffled cries of my mom whose tears fell non-stop from her swollen eyes. I tried to get up to defend my mom. I dragged my body on the floor, leaving a trail of blood. I got up, my body weak from all the beating, and threw myself at the monster. It's the only thing I could do with my wrecked body. The monster growled in anger.
"You fucking piece of shit! I'm going to kill you! What do you think you're doing?!"
Another round of punches and kicks landed on my body. I took it all in the hopes that if he got tired on hitting me, he'd leave my mom alone. But of course, I was wrong. My father is a monster who is incapable of any emotions but hatred and abuse. The kicks got harder and harder and the last thing I saw before I blacked out was my mom's face staring at me. Swollen and bruised, lip busted and cheeks smeared with blood.
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I woke up sweaty, shaking and crying. I couldn't move in the first few minutes and I just let my tears fall silently. I was so afraid. The nightmares are always there at the back of my mind, lurking in all the cracks and crevices of my brain waiting for their own sweet time to torture me again. It didn't just end when we left. This is what I want them to know, that even all the amount of counseling can never take this from me. The fear. It has become a permanent part of me, a painful reminder of life we used to live. Deep down I know people tried to assure me that it's okay now, that we're safe but it wasn't like that. The abuser might be gone but the pain he inflicted on me will be forever branded in all parts of my being. I have the scars to show, the trauma to live.

I could still feel my body shaking when I heard footsteps outside my door. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and anxiously waited for the door to open. My mom entered my room, all worry registers on her sweet face. When she saw me, she rushed to my side, knelt down and held my hands. I was momentarily shocked but then I knew she might have heard my cries and my screams. Her eyes are shiny from the unshed tears but she blinked them out. I know she's trying to be strong because obviously, I look like a wreck and I hate it. Hate it that I should be the strong son my mom needs but here I am, shaking profusely under my covers and crying.

"It's alright sweetheart. He's gone now. We're safe. You're safe." She finally let the tears fall.
She kissed my cheeks and ran her hands through my hair. I closed my eyes and let her motherly love calm me down. It felt good, just to be cared for like this. There's a nagging feeling in me that says I should be the one taking care of her but I ignored it. This is nice. I let my mom's presence calm me down. I opened my eyes and smiled down at her.

"Mom, it's okay. I'm fine now. I'm sorry for worrying you like this, it's these stupid nightmares. They won't go away..."
I got up as my mom sat at the edge of my bed. She hugged me.
"Hush dear. Never say sorry for the things that are hurting you. This is not your fault. "

She smiled weakly at me. I hugged her hard. She patted my hair and then ruffled it.

We stayed like that for a few moments. Me enveloped in my mother's love and warmth, my mom hugging me and telling me that it's okay to cry, to be afraid, to fear. All the while, I know she's letting me feel that all these strong emotions and fear inside of me are valid. They're remembrances of the past that we shouldn't be ashamed of.

When we finally let go, I smiled at her weakly as she looked around my room.

"You did amazing with your room. It's pretty neat," she said. I know her eyes lingered on the band posters on my wall.

"Some things never change huh Frankie?" she teased me. I looked at the posters and realize that in this moment, the bunch of creased and tattered-edge posters are now my company.

"Mom, I wouldn't let those posters go to waste. They're company now, " I responded. She smiled sweetly.

"Anything you say sweetheart. Anyway this room is your so I won't mind what you do in here. Just make sure it's always neat okay?" she said as she starts to fix my ruffled sheets.

"Yes mama and didn't you say last night that your work is starting early? Mama it's already seven!" Mom looked at her wristwatch and suddenly stands up.

"Good God! I'll be late for work!" I laughed as I watch my mom frantically rush outside my room.

It was late morning when I decided to go out of the house. I wore my dark jeans, another black shirt and my dirty white converse. I headed out of the apartment and was stunned when my new surrounding graced me. There are people everywhere. Moms with their kids playing at the basketball court. Girls running around the center in their jogging attires. Teenage boys and girls huddled around in benches telling stories and laughing merrily. Everyone is smiling. I scanned the whole place, breathe to calm myself and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I convinced myself that none of them matters and I just want to go and check out the bookstore my mom told me about.

When I stepped out, a bunch of the people in the center looked at me. I was prepared to dodge their judgmental stares but to my surprise, all of them are actually smiling. Everyone seems happy and friendly. This put me at ease, even for just a little bit. But still, being the introverted kid that I am, I shook my head and walked past everyone ignoring them. I couldn't just be expected to socialize and greet everyone with a dashing smile right? So I walked silently away from the complex until one of the boys from the group of teens shouted at me.

"Hey! Nice tattoos!"

I looked and expected to see them smirking but surprisingly, they aren't. They all smiled and waved at me so I shyly returned the gesture. I noticed the boy still staring and I found myself blushing. Holy hell, he's cute. I smiled, mostly t myself and continued to walk to my destination. Maybe this apartment complex isn't bad after all.

Notes

This is short! I wrote an update because, YEY, I have readers! I'll try and update again later. Guys, I'm sorry for the grammatical errors. I am not a native English speaker. I'm from Asia so I hope you understand. I'm only editing as I go so I hope you guys bear with me. Thanks for reading and I hope you're having a good day! :)


--xoJenn