Tears. He’s cried so much.

As Gerard bleached the white tiles and Mikey broke apart the small decorative table outside, I was standing there. I was watching over Gerard as he cried, scrubbing the floor. He was in a depressed state and I hated to see him that way. He didn’t ask about the body and car but even if he did, I wouldn’t have told him. If we ever did caught, he wouldn’t know anything. Gerard got up and let the bleach dry. His eyes glanced at me, “T-thank you.” His body slammed against mine and his arms wrapped around me. He was warm. I leaned in and kissed his neck-and for the first time, he didn't cringe.

Mikey walked back inside from the backyard, “I broke them into small pieces like you said, Frank. Now what?”

“Now we’re done. Nixon never came, do you two understand?” I can hear Gerard mumbled yes. Mikey nodded his head very slowly, looking away from my eyes.

Days past. During the first few days, Gerard was always by my side but as the days went by he became more distant. It didn’t surprise me. I did what I could to keep him but he was becoming aggravated and kept threatening me that he would tell everyone I raped him. The murder was tuesday morning. It’s saturday afternoon and I’m grasping onto Gerard’s body and slamming it up against the wall. He’s struggling as I kissed his neck but his body relaxed and his cries made me stop. He dug his nails into my shoulder, making me lose grip of him. He fell onto the ground and stayed there.

I paused and kneeled down beside him, “I don’t get it. You promised, remember?”

“I change my mind.”

Of course.

I sighed, “It’s going to let go of that promise.”

Gerard sniffled, “I was scared .. I still am.”

I laid a hand on his shoulder, “I won’t let anything happen to you. Don’t be afraid, my love.” I leaned in and kissed his cheek. My free hand dug into my jacket pocket and pulled out a box cutter. I slid the razor across my finger before smearing the blood on Gerard’s cheek. He stared at me obviously terrified. My lips kissed over the dry blood on his cheek. His hand rested on my collar bone, attempting to move me away but he was too weak. It didn’t even feel like he gave his all. He knew I couldn’t be stopped and he was slowly accepting that.

Nixon was on the news. His school picture was pouring the street poles, flowing in the wind, and all over the television. It’s a small town so when someone goes missing, it becomes a big deal. Where could they have gone? Did they run away? There was too many rumours circling around the school and the town that it was making me feel a little nervous-not a whole lot, but a little. The police did not find his body so they assumed he was a runaway but that didn’t stop them-they refused to let the case go cold.

Gerard shivered to Nixon’s name. Mikey would avoid conversation involving Nixon. I on the other hand, would find out what anyone would know. How close is anyone to solving the case? All the evidence has been destroyed. The pieces of wooden furniture broken down by Mikey was taken away to the dump, the car wasn’t recovered or even noticed. It’ll be soon though, when police go out of town and notice the abandoned burnt car and investigate to find out it’s Nixon’s.

My shoe is tapping against the ground as I’m trying to pay attention to the art teacher. We’re learning to blend paint colors, I think. I keep glancing over to Gerard whose hands are shaking under his desk. His hands keep twirling againt each other-I hate this. I hate seeing him so stressed. I need to do something. I shot my hand in the air.

Mrs. Hansen looked at me, “Yes, Frank?”

“May I be excused-I need to use the restroom.”

She nodded before returning back to the board. I pushed back my chair and made my way out the room. I walked down the hall and stopped by the restroom. I circled around to make sure no one was looking before jogging over to the closest fire alarm and triggered it, sending off a loud beeping noise alerting the classes. I quickly made my into the restroom and walked back out, casually blending into the crowd of teenager who complained about the noise.

I spotted Gerard. I made my way through the crowd of teenagers before walking by Gerard. I casually held his hand and he didn’t pull away-most surprisingly, he laid his head on me and whispered, “Thank you.” I know he didn’t want to stay in class, he needed some air. My grip on him tightened as I reeled him in, and he found comfort in that. Gerard at me and his bright hazel eyes made me want to kiss him so bad. But I didn’t. I don’t know why.

It was getting to me. The flames. The police. I was becoming paranoid. My mind keeps replaying my allaby. Where were you during this time? Well, officer, I was at a friend’s house. Who’s house? My boyfriend’s officer. We had sex. We fucked. I’m sorry but unless you have evidence, you have nothing on me-oh, and I want a lawyer. Gerard was beside me on the couch, looking at me. I didn’t notice until he murmured, “Now you know what I feel.”

I rolled my eyes as I scanned through the tv shows, “Shut up.” He wasn’t happy about my reply but I was so frustrated. I haven’t heard anything in the news about Nixon but that only made me more paranoid-what if they do know something and they’re just not telling?

Mikey sat on the couch on the other side of me with a bowl of popcorn. He positioned himself and flushed when he noticed my arm was extended along the couch practically around his neck. Gerard glanced over and mumbled, “Looks like you have a crush on my brother.” That’s all it took to retreat my arm. Mikey chuckled, not replying to Gerard’s comment.

Gerard leaned his head on my shoulder. His arm wrapped around mine. It’s happening. He’s becoming mine. All mine.

Notes

xo