Gerard still doesn’t like to have sex with me. But he finds me comforting. He admitted this while shaking, afraid of my response. Sex didn’t matter to me-well, I have a limit to when I really want it, but I can hold off until he wants it. He tells me he’s not gay and I wouldn’t change that but he had a soft spot for me. As for Mikey, he’s becoming more and more attracted to me as far from what I can tell. He’s always sitting my lap which didn’t bother me. He’s always whispered in my ear and blushing-I suppose that isn’t necessarily proof that he adores me, but it’s some insight to why I think so. Gerard notices and clings onto me probably afraid I’ll give my protection or love to Mikey-which would never happen. I know Gerard is just using me. He’s using me to protect him and comfort him. He thinks he’s manipulating me which isn’t true.

My dear Gerard, I am not as stupid as you think I am.

Mikey is sleeping, resting his head on my shoulder. Gerard and I are wide awake, watching a crappy tv show. We don’t change the channel because there’s nothing else to watch. Gerard sighed, “My parents aren’t usually home .. how come you’re not home?”

“My parents are the same.” And besides, I’d rather be away from my slut of a mother and my neglective father. I felt Gerard’s hand brush against my crotch and when I looked at him, his face was pink, “T-that was an accident.” He snatched the remote by my thigh, “S-sorry.” He’s so fucking cute.

He changes the channel and immediately sirens blared from the tv, making us both cringe. My paranoia kicked in, “We should run away.” It could’ve been the sirens triggered my fight-or-flight response, but I meant the words.

Gerard turned down the sound, “What? No. That’ll raise suspicion.”

“No it wouldn’t. Everyone thinks Nixon ran away-we could do the same.”

Gerard rolled his eyes, “That’s a stupid idea.”

Nevertheless, late that night I was packing. I stole my mom’s car keys. This was happening. I was leaving-no, no, I couldn’t. Not without him. I’m frustrated now. I’m thrashing my fists and tightened my jaw as I’m kicking my duffle bag in the darkness of my room that’s only lighted by the moon’s light. My body crashed against the wall. Why is this so difficult? Gerard, please run away with me-I’ll take care of you. I promise .. maybe he does want to run away. Maybe he’s too afraid of what will happen.

I grabbed my duffle bag and my keys before walking out of my room. I didn’t know my mom was trailing behind me. She didn’t say anything until my duffle bag lit under the kitchen light. My mom asked, “Leaving?”

I stopped in my tracks, “Y-yeah.” Her words seemed to crash against a current because she was left speechless. Her words pierced through my body, “Go ahead.” And just when I thought it couldn’t get anymore excessive, she trembled, “You were a waste of space anyway,” She pushed past me, leaving me to stand on the stained carpet. Was she drunk or did she mean it? She meant it. Her words and steps weren’t sluggish at all. I stood up straight trying to make myself seem strong. My hand grasped onto the handle of the duffle bag as I walked past my father who heard every word. His eyes were following me and to my surprise, he muttered, “Be safe. We all knew this day would come.”

Taking my mom’s car didn’t bother them. I suppose it’s because they have my dad’s car. Shouldn’t I be upset? They didn’t even try to keep me .. but then again, I suppose it was easier to leave.

Anyway, as for Gerard, I think he needs some purdsadung to leave with me.

Notes

xo