When Will Anyone Notice?

We are in Boston, Massachusetts getting ready for our first night of tour. I love Boston because the fans here were the first ones to ever sing along to our music while we performed. I am really excited to play shows again, it releases my anger and energy. Not only that, but I love making my fans happy. Sometimes during meet and greets, I’ll hear some of their stories or see their self inflicted marks, and it always saddens me to hear that. I like to call the our fans “my kids” because we are all like a family, and so I always try to encourage them that things will eventually get better or that they were born for a reason. It might sound hypocritical though, considering the state i’m in. But maybe things will get better, and I’ll remember what it’s like to feel happy and have a genuine smile.
I go into the dressing room and change into my Black Parade outfit. I have to admit, I feel really cool in this. Although, I know that by the middle of the tour, they will all start to stink and get uncomfortable. It will be our Revenge Era costume situation all over again. I think back to then, remembering the lectures from our manager and producers we would always hear about because those suits stunk and how we should just get multiple of the same outfits. I don’t know why Gerard refused to wash it, or let us wash ours. The smell had gotten so bad that febreeze and cologne no longer helped them smell better. We are definitely an odd group of friends.
I giggle at the memory, and a voice startled me. “Whatcha laughing at, Frankie?” Gerard asks, coming from nowhere.
“Oh just about how you never let us wash our suits last tour.” I answer him and he chuckles.
“I’m sorry about that, I made us all smell like trash. I was too caught up in the aesthetic of the whole thing.” He shrugs and giggles again.
“Whatever that means, weirdo.” I give him a strange look and he playfully punches my arm.
“Hey, you’re a weirdo too! You are like the second weirdest person i’m friends with. The first friend being myself.” He says, a little too proudly.
“Okay, whatever you say.” I shrug, defeated.

We are in the middle of the show and it’s been awesome so far. Right now we are playing I don’t love you and then we have ten more songs to play, including encore songs which are famous last words and desert song. I glance over at Gerard every once in awhile because he just looks so pretty with his hair all wet and the moonlight glistening off of him. But this time, when I go to sneak a look at him, he’s looking right back at me with a smirk forming his face. I know where this is going to go and I don’t want it to go there. I’m not capable of just giving a stage kiss because it makes the fans get a big reaction. Back when we were on the Revenge tour, it was different because we were both always drunk so we didn’t know what we were doing. Of course I had feelings for him then too, but like I said, we were both really fucked up and I was more worried on Gerard being okay and not killing himself.
But before I know it, Gerard his his hands through my hair and kisses me roughly. No, I can’t handle this! I know he does it because of the fans, but I can’t help but feel really hurt. If he just thinks of us as best friends, then why does he try to be sexual with me at almost every show? News flash Gerard, that’s not what best friends do! He fucking teases with me too much, always joking around saying “aww Frankie does anything for me because he’s in love with me.” Or even pushing it to the point where he grabs my butt as I walk past him. And it’s all for his entertainment. He doesn’t fucking understand how that makes me feel. Of course I would do anything for him because I am in love with him, but also because we are best friends. He would do anything for me too.
He pulls away and just goes back to his singing and dancing, acting like nothing just fucking happened. I’m livid right now. I know he doesn’t realize how I feel about him but he needs to stop fucking around with my emotions! Because one day, if I like it or not, I will explode all my feelings to him. He’ll finally get to know how I’ve felt since the day I met him, and I don’t think him or I would want to hear those words out loud. All of this thinking makes me tear up, but i’m not going to let anyone see my tears, so I just blink them away like I always do. I’ve gotten pretty good at that.

The show is now over and apart from the kiss Gerard gave me, it was an amazing show like always.I run back into the dressing room, quickly changing into some pajamas and then run back to the tour bus. I’m trying to avoid Gerard at all costs right now because i’m done with what I think is games. Maybe he teases me and all because he actually does know how I feel. Oh god, I hope not. He would be an evil friend if he really did do that, so I just push that thought to the back of my head. Gerard can’t read minds and I’ve never said anything to anyone about how I feel about him, so it’s just me thinking nonsense.
I hear them all come back on the bus and I just hide in my bunk. I’m acting like a kid right now but I can’t help it. My heart hurts and longs for someone I can’t have and doesn't feel the same towards me. I think i’m allowed to ask childish, if I do say so myself. And the thing is, no one really likes me. No one wants to spend the rest of their life with me because i’m just not loveable. Except for y’know, freaks. I can hear all their laughs and conversations about how the show was awesome. I bet no one even notices i’m back here all alone. I hate saying things like that because it makes me sound selfish, but it hurts to always feel alone. This story is about me anyway though, right?
Gaining a little bit of self control and confidence, I walk back out to the front where the “living room” is. I see them all sitting on the couches so I just sit on the floor. They all look at me confused until they realize all the cushions are taken.
“Frankie come sit on my lap!” Gerard suggests. No fucking way.
“I’m fine right here.” I say a little more rudely than I meant.
They all stare at me confused and right now it’s just too much for me to handle. I’m in a bad mood, why can’t they just let me be? They always have to be up in my business about everything and i’m getting sick of it. I know there intentions are good, but it’s still annoying.
I roll my eyes, “Take a picture, it lasts longer.” I say sassily. You know what, fuck the always being nice to everyone. I always try to make other people happy but it only makes me more sad. I’m done with hiding my feelings.
I hear Ray gasp a little and Gerard looks at me concerned and says “Frank did we do something to make you upset? If we did then we are very sorry.” He says sincerely.
I just decide to not answer. I can't say to Gerard that i’m in love with him and and his teasing and jokes is what’s making me mad. When he finally notices i’m not going to answer his question his concerned face grows stronger.
“Come with me, Frankie.” He says as comes over to me and pulls me up by my arms. He drags me off the bus and let’s go of my arms. I lean against the cold surface of the bus and stare at the ground avoiding eye contact with Gerard. If I looked into his beautiful eyes I would definitely burst into tears.
“Frankie? Did I do something wrong?” He steps a little closer to me, making me uncomfortable.
I shake my head. He really didn’t do anything wrong in his perspective. Everything's normal to him because he does shit like that with me all the time. I can’t all of a sudden say to stop kissing me on stage and what not because it would make him ashamed and upset. I don’t ever want to be the one that causes those kinds of feelings to him.
“Then what’s the matter?” He asks, putting a hand on my shoulder. I’m starting to get annoyed now.
“Gerard does it seem like I want to talk about it? Stop pushing me.” I snap.
“I’m just trying to help you!” He starts to get angry and takes his hand off of me.
“Well fucking stop! You’re only making things worse!” I yell.
“You know what Frank, I fucking will,” He begins, “ I’ll stop worrying about you and actually giving a shit about you. Do you want to become what I was? Drinking and doing drugs, going nowhere with life? I was slowly killing myself but you offered help and I took it because even when I was at my lowest, I still had hope. But the thing with you is you’re stubborn. Me and the guys always offer to help you but you’re too closed minded with yourself to actually fucking take the help we give you. So I’ll just ignore you for now on and sit back and watch you become something I once was. A monster.” He says just above a whisper, tearing up and then walking back into the bus.
I stand there for what feels like forever and go over what Gerard had just told me over and over. I don’t think there’s even an emotion on my face right now. At least I finally got the truth on how people think of me, that i’m stubborn and have a narrow mind. All of a sudden I feel tears pour out of my eyes and I fall to the ground, bawling. I’m punching the ground and kicking around, acting like a toddler in a hissy fit. I couldn’t give less of a shit about who’s watching me or hearing me. The only thing I now care about is that even Gerard, my best friend, is now finally seeing how pathetic I am. No one on this earth can even argue with me about how pathetic I am. I’m a fucking 26 year old adult, lying on cold cement, kicking and screaming. That’s pathetic.

Once I finally get myself together, I figure everyone is waiting for me to come back on the bus so we can start driving to our next destination. It’s around ten at night so the guys have probably already gone to sleep. I walk back into the bus, and surely enough they’re asleep. Thank god. I’m sure I look like a zombie right now, and I didn’t want them questioning me.Since i'm not that tired, I decide to watch a movie on the movie player we brought. I look through the selections and pick Dumb And Dumber because it always makes me laugh, and the only thing I want right now is to feel some sort of happiness.
I’m about half an hour into the movie and I hear shuffling then footsteps come closer to me. It’s really dark and I’m cuddles in a big black blanket, so I hope no one notices me. The shine from the movie might give it away though. I poke my head out to see who it is and of fucking course, it’s Gerard. And sure enough, he noticed me. He looks at me for only a second and then just ignores me, walking into the kitchen for what I think is water since that’s all we have. He comes back out and stands in front of me, acting annoyed but I know he’s really not.
“You need to sleep.” He says with his hand on his hip.
“I thought you don’t care about me.” I say with a weak voice.
“I never said that I’d stop caring about you. I said that I’ll stop worrying about you... and I care that you get sleep. There’s a difference.” He says with a soft tone.
“I’m not tired, just go back to sleep and stop caring. It’s just a waste of your time.” My voice grows stronger. I put my head back under my mini blanket fort and continue watching the movie. Usually I always laugh at this crap but tonight I haven’t laughed once. Fuck you, depression.
I hear him groan angrily and stomped back into his bunk. Why is he this angry all of a sudden? I didn’t really do anything. I’m always like that to him when i’m in a bad mood. Why is tonight not an exception? Oh right, because he finally realized how worthless I am. I can’t believe I forgot about that.
The truth is, I am getting really tired but the thought of sharing a bed with Gerard with these circumstances right now makes my heart hurt. Plus, I know I wouldn’t be able to actually fall asleep. I guess this long night will be filled with shitty movies and bawling me eyes out. Oh how fun!

Notes

Hey guys! Second chapter whoop! I hope you guys like it. I will be updating But I Love You either later tonight or tomorrow so yea expect that if you're subscribed to it.

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