Tell Me I'm A Bad, Bad Man

Seems like Gates is really letting ol' pretty boy off the hook for what happened the other night. It seems this place has me more down than usual for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. Y'know know the feeling. That fucking ache and the physical pain of having to get up every morning and go through yet another day of the exact same routine. It just gets too fucking boring to even consider getting out of the piece of crap they give us and call a bed.
You'd have thought they'd have given up on the group whole therapy shit long ago too. Very few people are sorry. In fact, the only time they'll ever admit to it is when they're gettin beaten over the head with a brick and even then, it's the disgusting, pathetic old guys in here for touching some poor kid. I'm sure as shit not sorry for what I did. Sure, sometimes it hits me every now and then and I get the occasional pang of guilt. I know was in the wrong, sure, but so were they, I just had enough, y'know. There's only so much a person can take before it all becomes too much and I guess they just explode; granted in different ways of course. No amount of guilt tripping will make anyone hear me apologise though. None.

Sweet baby boy's on night shift again, and I can't help but feel a little pleased when he comes and sits by my door.
"How's Gates, kid?" I ask quietly, legs crossed and picking at my sleeve.
"Can't be bothered with me anymore I guess, don't fit in with the other guys." He sounds a little sad about it. Sure, he doesn't look like the officers, yeah. The shitheads in here take advantage of him and his pretty face.
"fittin' in aint all that." I say, hearing him snort.
"Is when you get beaten up for it."
I figure that's something he'll talk about when he's ready, so we leave that conversation there.

The cell gets so boring after a while. I think I was probably bored of it within the hour of arriving. It's not like the movies y'know? Ya ain't got fuck all to etch the little fucking tally's into the walls. It's just quiet, bar the yelling and the banging you occasionally hear, or some new fucker screaming "get me out!" as if it makes a blind sight of difference. It could be peaceful if it wasn't so cold an, ya know, you weren't in prison with a bunch of high security inmates who'd not think twice bout killin your ass. All that shit you hear about "You better watch out you don't drop the soap." Is complete bullshit for the most part. I walk in those showers butt-naked three times a week and no poor fucker has ever come near me. That's probably because I'm not the most twinkiest looking of fuckers in here. Baby boy however, he'd get ruined in this place if he weren't wearing that pretty uniform of his.
"How long you been here?" He seems apprehensive about asking.
"Seven years." I nod.
Silence.
Yeah, I guess you could say what I did was pretty bad. I was a kid. I tend not to think about it if at all possible. No need to dwell though. At least I can live with myself knowing I ain't touched no kids. Those fuckers deserve the most painful death imaginable.
"You feel guilty about it?" I start a little at the question. Guilty? One I've not been asked. Sorry? I've gotten that one a thousand times over. Guilty?
"Sometimes."
He doesn't need to know what you did, Frank. You'll scare him off. He'll judge you.

Scare him off?

I sigh at myself. As if feelings in this place'll get you anywhere huh?

Feelings?

Now I'm becoming a sap.

"You seem like a good guy." Wow. Compliments now. We're really moving up in the world.
"Ha, good one, kid."
He laughs, and I hear knees crack and keys jingle as he stands.
"I gotta go do some rounds."
Dont go.
"Okay."


I take myself again to my shit for nothing bed. The same thing, over and over, on loop. I wince as I hear a multitude of tiny feet scampering outside, sighing and pulling the threadbare blanket over myself. Willing the next day to come sooner.

Notes

Hey loves! Bit short and a bit shit but my arsehole friend jackoffjill is leaving me alone at school tomorrow so she'll get a few chapters in whilst my lonely arse suffers a math exam. Comments are sexy!



faves/ recommendations

CD's - Dirt ~ Alice in chains, Suicide Season - BMTH, Lies~ GNR, Shangri La - Jake Bugg