Just Look At All That Pain

I sit on the floor and sob for hours, Gerard having broken me even more than before and by the time I manage to make myself move sunlight is softly filtering around the edges of the blinds. I slowly crawl across to the side of the bed where my pyjama pants lay discarded on the floor and I tug them on, grabbing my shirt too and once I'm dressed again I curl up in a ball on the floor, not wanting to touch the bed again as I allow myself to pass out.

The next time I wake up I'm in the bed, the blankets pulled tight around me and I sit up in panic, my head spinning as I glance around the room, but I don't see anyone, my gaze falling onto the other side of the bed where I can see the blankets and sheets messed up like someone else had been sleeping there and I reach my hand out to touch them, the sheets not feeling as cool as they should so whoever was there hasn't been gone for very long. I slump back onto the pillows, turning onto my side and a piece of paper with my name written on it is propped up on the table beside the bed so I reach out and grab it, slowly opening it and reading the short note.
Frank I'm sorry, for everything. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but if you could ever find it in your heart to forgive all the wrongs I've done you my choice would be you, consequences be damned. The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was letting you go and like all monumental mistakes it took far too long for me to realise it was a mistake. I love you Frank and with every beat of my heart until the very last I know they'll all be for you. Love Gee

I drop the note on the floor, closing my eyes as I exhale deeply and a few long seconds later I reopen them, sitting up and rubbing my hands over my face as my mind races with possibilities. I slowly slide off the side of the bed, a dull throb running up my spine and I know I will be sore for a few days as I slowly make my way over to my bag for clean clothes, my mind racing the whole time. Once I'm dressed I gather all my stuff, including the note which I tuck into my back pocket and I make my way downstairs, crossing the lobby when I spot a familiar figure sitting in one corner on a couch, just watching me go past. I meet his eye and his gaze is pleading and slightly pathetic and I briefly consider just walking past without another glance but I make it another step before my heart thuds painfully and I feel something pull towards him as I drop my bag and turn, rushing the few steps between us before launching myself into his lap, my arms wrapping around his neck as his wrap around my waist and I bury my face in his neck, breathing in his comforting scent as I say "Don't hurt me anymore." "Never again baby, I promise" he whispers in my ear and I melt against his chest, never planning on leaving his arms again.

We sit in our embrace for a few long minutes before Gerard shifts slightly beneath me and I pull back to look at him, his face pulled into the most perfect smile and I can't help but smile back, the pieces of my heart feeling like they're being fused back together again and as Gerard leans in for a kiss a thought occurs to me and I pull back, keeping a distance as I blurt out "What about her?" Gerard stops, his smile faltering as he says "What do you mean baby?" I shake my head, climbing back out of his lap and I take a step back as I reach up and run a hand through my hair. "You're married, you have a life with someone else. That doesn't just...." "Hey, stop" Gerard says softly, standing and stepping over to me as he wraps his arms around my waist, my breathing becoming uneven again and he leans down and presses a soft kiss to my forehead. "I said I would choose you if you would give me the chance and I meant it. I know I fucked this all up before but I'll fix it. I want you baby, I want our house in Jersey back, I want to fight with you over things that don't matter and watch you pout that cute little pout of yours before we make up ten minutes later. I want those days where it snows and we just stay in bed all day keeping each other warm. I want to get you a million dogs and watch you run and play with them and help you take care of them. I want you baby and all the things you do that drive me insane, I want our life back and I will do whatever it takes." "But she...." "She doesn't matter. That part of my life..." He trails off, removing his arms from me and bringing his hands in front of my face so I can see him remove his wedding ring "....Its over. It's done, the only ring I want on my finger is yours."

I take a deep breath, a million thoughts racing through my mind, memories of the life we used to have flashing behind my eyes before I remember that he's the reason it all ended in the first place. "I don't know" I whisper, dropping my gaze to the floor and Gerard falters in his breathing for a second before he corrects it and softly says "You don't want me?" "I don't want to get hurt again" I tell him, chancing a glance at his face and he looks upset, his eyebrows pulled together in a frown. "What do I have to do to get you to realise I'm serious?" He asks, his hand slowly reaching out to cup my cheek. "I don't know" I tell him, biting on my bottom lip and he breathes out shakily before saying "I'll do anything babe. I'll shout my love for you from the rooftops, I'll tattoo your name on me, anything." "Can we just take this slow?" I ask, staring up into his eyes and he looks sad as he nods and says "Sure baby, whatever you need."

An hour later Gerard has gone and Mikey and Ray show up to take me to breakfast, Ed taking my bag to the bus for me and as we sit down at a small diner near the hotel my phone beeps in my pocket and I pull it out, seeing a new message from Gerard and when I open it I frown in confusion at the message.
Check Instagram.
I close the message and open up Instagram, scrolling past the first few pictures before I see the latest from Gerard and my heart stops before starting up again double time. The picture is of Gerard in a tattoo parlour, laying shirtless on a table with black ink decorating his chest, the shape of a heart visible with my name written in the middle and I can't help but laugh at the cheesiness of it before realisation sets in that that's real and he actually did that for me, despite his paralysing fear of needles. I scroll down, reading the caption at the bottom and my eyes well with tears as I read what he's written.
Time for new beginnings with the only person who has ever really owned my heart. I love you.
I scroll back up, staring at the picture again before Mikey speaks up to asks what's wrong and I smile as I hand him my phone and say "Your brother is an idiot." Mikey frowns in confusion as he takes the phone, turning it so he can see the screen and Ray leans over to see what I'm talking about too, both of their mouths dropping open as he see the picture before Mikey looks back up at me and says "You guys...." Trailing off like he's unsure what to say and I smile and nod, knowing its for real and when Mikey hands back my phone I open the comment section and write I love you too, idiot.

Notes

The end : )

Being my return to writing after a severe case of writers block I would really appreciate feedback