Prove Myself To You

Neither Frank and I ever thought this would happen. We’re complete opposites, we always have been. I’m an artist, a quiet person and I’ve been through way more things than he has. I’m shy and I only have two friends. I never had my first kiss until him, but I was his thousandth kiss. He’s loud and obnoxious, he’s an attention getter and he’s had more sex that the average sixteen year old should. He has thousands of friends and everyone knows him by “they guy with the tattoos and piercings.” If you asked someone who I was, they’d say “Gerard?... Um, who’s that?” You see, him and I don’t understand each other and opposites don’t attract, but somehow.. Frank and I keep coming back to each other.

I’m a few months younger than Frank, but he’s a junior and I’m a sophomore. It started when I was a freshman, him and I were texting and I said “my life is so fucking boring” and he replied “I can change that for you”. That night, him and his friends picked me up and we went to the mall. The next day, Frank asked me out, he kissed me, my first kiss, and a few days later, we were making out on his bed. Since then, the relationship has been toxic. We should have gone slower, and I should have known better than to get involved with a guy who is far from innocent. A guy who’s had sex with a bunch of other people and another guy that hasn’t ever even held hands don’t belong together. And I should have listened to the people who warned me about him. But I didn’t, I never listen.

Frank and I went only one month being actual boyfriend and boyfriend, and within that time, I became a hell of a lot less innocent. Sometimes we couldn’t keep away from each other. We’d make out on the roof, in a friends bathroom with the door locked, or with our parents just around the corner. Then he broke up with me, and I cried on his shoulder and we walked away from each other. A week later, I saw his arm around another guy, and that’s when I lost it. The other guy glared at me and treated me like shit, and I was done with that. I went to Frank with crossed arms and puppy-dog eyes and asked him to start over with me.

“Gerard…” He mumbled. At that point, I knew he wasn’t sure what he wanted.

“Frankie, please,” I pouted. “I miss you.”

“All we really are is sex, Gerard, and I want something more.”

“I can be something more. We can be something more. Way, way more.”

That’s when he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me, just like he used to. The next morning, he broke up with the other guy and walked back over to me and grabbed my hand. I smiled, not feeling bad at all that I was rubbing my relationship with Frank in his face, because he had done the same to me when they were dating. The only thing is, Frank and I never really did become anything more.

This relationship is toxic, like I said. We really are just sex, and even though the two of us are complete opposites, we have one thing in common: neither of us have emotions. We don’t feel love. You might think that our on-and-off, love-hate relationship is shitty, but there are good parts. We both crave the stars and sometimes he drives me up north and we just look at the dark night sky above us with my head on his shoulder. Those nights are my favorite because even though we don’t like each other sometimes and we get in fights, those nights with the stars make the both of us forget about that. And sometimes, he’ll pick me up in the morning and take me to my favorite comic book café, Gotham City. Those mornings, I feel like I might begin to fall in love because Frank is beautiful and he technically is mine, and I think I might love him but.. I don’t know, I guess I never had it in me to love anyone. Even though we have our moments of what a real relationship should be like, we are just too different from each other to actually have a real relationship. We don’t understand each other and the things that we do. He doesn’t understand why I just can’t keep on a smile somedays or why I don’t speak my mind sometimes. And I don’t understand why he loves attention so much and how he’s always so loud. Our fights are usually about that. It starts off by one of us saying “You honestly don’t understand me. This is just who I am, okay, and I can’t change.” And then the other says something like “I’m not telling you to fucking change! I’m just not used to being with someone who’s like you” and then “well get the fuck used to it!” and then we fight some more and end up making out. That happens at least twice a week, and it’s the same damn argument.

I’ll be honest, Frank truly is a beautiful person. I wish I could be like him, and I wish I wasn’t so quiet and socially awkward, unlike him. I couldn’t imagine being with someone else , I’m so used to his hazel eyes and tattooed hands that he feels like home. I love the nights with the stars and the mornings with the coffee and comic dates, and I wish everyday can be like those ones. I think I might be ready to feel real love towards Frank, that scares me, but I often find myself thinking ‘god, I love him,’ and I think I really do. I just hope that he still wants “something more”, whatever that means. I hope it means that he wants real love.

Notes

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