Chasing Stars

When we got home I went up to my room and pulled out my homework. I was doing algebra when Gerard knocked on the door.

"Come in," I muttered not looking up from my homework.

"I was thinking you and I could go out for dinner tonight."

"Well I'm doing math right now," I muttered once again not looking at him.

"That's fine, we can go after." He was leaning on the door frame. I sighed and set my pencil down. He clearly wanted my attention.

"What is wrong?" I asked looking at him finally. He looked at me confused.

"Nothing, why?" he asked nonchalantly.

"You're being weird."

"How?"

"You're wanting to talk, that's how." I was irritated at him, at the world, at the fact that this math was boring me.

"Rylynn, what is so wrong with me wanting to spend time with you." I decided not to answer that. I rolled my eyes and picked up my pencil again.

"I have two more problems and then I'll be down," I stated knowing there was no way to get out of it.

I finished my math and slide my notebook back into my backpack. I wasn't excited about this outing but I knew I needed to get it over with. I knew that this was eventually going to happen but I really didn't want to get to friendly with him. Part of me still resented him.

"So what are you hungry for?" Gerard asked as we got into the car.

"I'm not really that hungry," I said pulling my sweatshirt closer to me.

"Well tonight that isn't an option."

"What did that shrink lady do to you?" I asked with a groan.

"What," he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Ms. crazy lady at the school," I said flinging my hand in the air.

"Nothing, I just think you need to eat. I would rather you not whither away into nothingness," he said with a smirk. I glared slightly. "Should she have told me something?"

"Nope except that it's my right as a teenager to whither away into nothingness."

"Okay sure. Seriously, what is your favorite food?" I shrugged. "Okay if you could have anything in the entire world what would it be?" I gave in and thought about it.

"Liquor and cocaine?" I said as a question that caught him off guard. "It's a joke Gerard. Don't worry. Umm I guess I would say sushi and Japanese Tea."

"I can do sushi. As for your joke, don't be a comedian for your career," he said with a smirk.

"Oh look we are finally getting along. Mom is probably rolling over in her grave." His smile faded and guilt began to hit me but only slightly. I was the one who had to live without him for 15 years.

"I never knew…" he began to say as we turned onto the highway. I put my hand up.

"She told me that you never knew. She said you weren't ready to have a kid and the two of you just never got along. She always told me that it wasn't your fault that you weren't around."

"Oh," he said and exited the highway. "For the record, had I known I would have done everything possible to be apart of your life. I never wanted to miss out on your childhood."

"Of course you also can only say that now." After I said this, I realized I really just needed to stop talking. Gerard was silent as we pulled into a parking spot and turned the car off.

"You think had I known back then I wouldn't have been apart of your life." I looked at him for a moment contemplating my answer. "Don't answer that," he said after a moment, "let's go in."

After we ordered, Gerard looked at me, then asked, "So how was school?" I shrugged. "Any classes you like so far?" Once again I shrugged. "Rylynn I'm trying to get to know you better." I sighed and leaned my chair back to balance on the end legs. I looked him up and down.

"You know I have rather enjoyed this past month."

"What sitting in your room, looking at pictures of your mom?" My face went to shock and then I blushed. How did he know? That was supposed to be my secrete. "Rylynn, it's okay to miss her."

"I really don't want to talk about this." Our food arrived and I began to eat.

"Rylynn, she's your mom your eventually going to have to talk about it," he pointed out.

"No Gerard," I said setting my chopsticks down, "she was my mom. Now she is rotting in a grave." He took a drink of his water and sighed.

"Okay fine, don't talk about her. Tell me about you." I groaned.

"Fine!" I said louder than I should have as I leaned my chair back to the ground, he raised his eyebrows at me. "Sorry," I muttered.

"Just try to be a bit calmer."

"That's just it, I'm not calm. I am anything but calm."

"Well you get that from your mom," he said with a smile. I wasn't sure what that meant, so I didn't question it.

"She says…. said I got it from you," I said looking up at him. He smiled at the thought, then shook his head.

"No, you're better than me. Don't ever compare yourself to me," he said looking down and continued to eat.

"Why can't I be like you?" I asked not liking the fact that he wanted me to be nothing like him. He was my father after all.

"Is it so wrong to want more than that for you?" I laughed. This caused Gerard to give me a sideways look. I took a drink of my water and then pushed my plate away.

"You just really have no idea. It's nothing, I promise just an inside joke."

"Look at that," he said with a smile as he set his napkin on the table.

"Umm?" I inquired.

"You finally ate something." I looked down at my plate to see it completely empty. I smirked but somewhere deep down guilt about being able to live on while my world was buried in the ground struck me hard.

Notes