Chasing Stars

Hopping out of the shower, I put on a pair of cartoon pajama pants and a tank top. I tossed my towel in the hamper and stared at the mirror on the wall. My weight falling onto my hands onto the counter. My reflection was still foreign to me. "What are you doing?" I asked myself softly looking at my reflection. I picked up Gerard's sweatshirt and walked downstairs. We had long since arrived back at the house. Ray and Christa agreed to watch the kids. Walking down the stairs and into the living room I saw Jamia and Lindsey wine glasses in hand sitting on the couch.

"Wanna join?" Lindsey asked looking at the wine glass and then at me. I rolled my eyes knowing Frank probably blabbed his big mouth.

“I’m guessing Frank talked to you?" I asked leaning onto the chair. Lindsey raised her eyebrows but nodded nonetheless. “I have no interest of drinking anytime soon. Trust me. My mother let me try wine all the time and I hate it," I added with force.

“If you say so," Lindsey stated. A small giggle escaped Jamia's mouth as she tilted her phone to show Lindsey something.

"Where's Gerard?" I asked.

"Music room," Lindsey said her eyes not moving from the phone. I shock my head and wondered towards the music room. I cracked the door to receive Gerard's eyes shooting up quickly and catching me. He smiled a little and waved me in.

"Hey," Frank said once he heard me close the door behind me. “I’ll start it over. Uproaring Earth's new song," Frank clarified to me. I nodded and sat on the piano bench near them. It was a pretty good. Nothing that I would listen to on repeat but still good.

"How old are they?" Gerard asked spinning in his chair with a drink in hand.

“Late 18 early 20 range," Frank answered.

"They need more melody," I stated without thinking.

"That's actually exactly what we told them," Frank said with a smirk.

"Great minds," I stated pointing between me and Frank. He let out a chuckle and shoot Gerard a smile.

“I like her," Frank stated to Gerard.

“I know she pretty cool kid," Gerard said with a smile. Frank played a couple more tracks from various artists he was working with. One that caught my ear was named Veiling Evil.

"Tell them if they can't get into Wallamania to try Sun Fest," I suggested after the track. They weren't a bad band, it wouldn't be a long shot to get on.

"Already talked to them. The event is already booked. I pushed to have them added next year but who knows where they'll be. So much can happen in a year," Frank said scrolling through the computer.

"There is a spot. They probably just aren't saying anything. My band withdrew yesterday," I stated looking at the keys on the piano.

"Your band was going to play there?" Frank and Gerard said at the same time.

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "They are being stubborn and insisting that I be there with them. I’m refusing therefore, it's not going to happen. I got a text yesterday saying they withdrew," I said simply.

"We can fly back for it if you want," Gerard offered. “I would love to hear you sing." I shock my head.

"No ah… I don't sing anymore," I stated steeling a glance at Gerard's eyes. I couldn't read his facial expression. It wasn't disbelief or concern but it wasn't enthusiastic or pride.

"Yeah right. Gerard said that at one point as well and now look at him," Frank muttered pulling my mind back into reality. Frank was right. Gerard did stop singing and yet he'd be going on tour before the end of the year.

"Well considering I’m always being told to not be like him," I retorted with a smirk.

"Oh there is my smartass Rylynn," Gerard stated shooting me a smirk. I rolled my eyes at his joke. I smiled at him nonetheless. I turned towards Frank, "Play another?" He obliged. It wasn't long before I was sitting next to Frank picking new songs and the remainder of the night was spent arguing their legitimacy.

I reluctantly pulled myself from the bed the following morning giving up on any type of sleep. Realizing it was Sunday, I would have to go to school tomorrow and face my time off. I wondered into the bathroom to be greeted by an image in the mirror that was less than pleasant. I was still in my pajama pants and Gerard's large sweatshirt. I let out a sigh of defeat. I wish that I could turn back time. Just have one more yesterday before all of my life went to shit. I brushed my teeth and pulled my hair up haphazardly. It didn't matter how I looked, no one was up anyway. I turned the light off in the bathroom and quietly walked downstairs. I flicked on the light in the kitchen. The clock reading 4:12 AM. I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottled water. I must not have been as quiet as I thought because within a few minutes, I heard footsteps descending the stairs.

"What are you doing up?" Gerard asked slumping against the corner of the kitchen door. His face held a disappointed frown. I knew he hated finding me awake, even if he would never say it out loud.

"Just wanted some water. Sorry I woke you," I stated stealing a glance. He closed the short gap between us. His hand stroking the hair out of my face.

“It's okay. You should probably get back to sleep before you wake the whole house," he said with a smirk. I nodded accepting my fate and walking towards the stairs that lead to my room. As we approached the door, I stopped for a moment. I turned towards Gerard, quickly catching his eye.

"You do matter to me… Even if I don't show it," I admitted in a small voice. If he wasn't watching me, he probably would have never known I uttered a single word.

“I know," he stated, pulling me into a quick hug. "Get some sleep." I gave him a small smile and shut my bedroom door. I waited until his footsteps left my door before I walked to my closet. I opened the door to revile a few boxes I had yet to unpack. I pulled a large one out, making sure to keep as silent as possible.

Setting it on the bedroom floor, I flipped the lid open. Even through the box had been tightly sealed, layers of dust lay on the surfaces of the enclosed items. it had been ages since my eyes caught sight of them. I carefully pulled out a photo album. A picture of Derek and I lay across the cover. I set the album aside and continued to dig. Since the day my mom died, I lost the will to look at all of these things. They where the first items I packed. In many ways, I thought they would be the last unpacked. Knowing deep down they would be sealed until I found myself at crossroads in life. One road leading in a painful parallel to my past, another to a life of fake smiles and a made up feeling of being okay with who I was. The final path, it lead to much unknown. Yet, it was the path I desperately wanted to go down. One where the future was to still be written. One where i would still draw, still paint, maybe even one where I still sang. It was a terrifying path that I had a hard time exploring and one that took more courage than a 15 year old girl could possess.

I carefully pulled out the notebook that lay beneath many scraps of paper, photo and drawings. I flipped the notebook open. I began to read the lyrics I had once placed on the pages. It wasn't long before I ended at a blank page. Lifting my head in a heavy manner I looked at the walls around me. I had never let her go, but the fact was I had a moment the prior day where I didn't think of her. It was a brief moment, but it was one where I felt the guilt rush over me upon it ending. My hand found a pen buried in the box and without realizing it, I began to write. I wasn't sure what I was writing, but I was. Tears falling down my face while anger fell onto the pages beneath my fingers. It gave me a sense of release. One that I couldn't describe even in the most sobering moments of life.

Notes

I back!

I will have another chapter up this week.

~Nailsntacks