Chasing Stars

I found myself standing in front for a large building. I felt nervous. I didn't want to talk to anyone about myself or my situation. I didn't want to feel left all alone in a hospital. Gerard got out of the car and we began to walk toward the building. Without thinking, I quickly grabbed Gerard's hand. He wrapped his fingers around my hand. I could feel him watching me. I never held his hand, we rarely hugged. He didn't say a word as we walked through the automatic doors and into the lobby. My entire body began to shake at this point. I couldn't stop it. I knew Gerard could feel it. My breath began to speed up as we approached the desk.

"Can I help you," the lady behind the counter asked. She reminded me of one of the nurses in New Jersey.

"Yeah an appointment for Rylynn," Gerard paused for a moment. I looked down at the ground trying to find something to focus on something to calm my nerves that were going out of control. I began to rub my hand down the side of my thigh metronomically. Gerard's thumb stroked the top of my hand attempting to calm me.

"Yes, here to see Dr. Trombly," the receptionist replied.

"Yeah, umm you know we actually need to reschedule. I screwed up my days and well we have to make it to a family thing in an hour," Gerard said. I began to feel dizzy as he spoke to the receptionist. He turned us around and walked me outside. Once the automatic doors closed and we were back into the fresh California air, my breathing became deeper. The wave of my emotions was crushing over as I began to feel the urge to cry. We made it to the car and Gerard opened the passenger door.

"Come on, sit down," he instructed me. I obeyed finally letting go of his hand. "Breathe Rylynn, just breathe. Focus of me, just breathe. in and out, in and out." I could feel the tears begin to fall from my face. Gerard whipped them away. I began to cry uncontrollably. I grabbed his arms, holding onto them needing to know he was still there. "Rylynn it's alright. You're okay. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. I'm right here. Just breathe," Gerard said to me again attempting to calm me down. Eventually my breathing calmed and I let go of Gerard's arms. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you," he repeated. I whipped my own face and looked at him. "Okay," he muttered. He brushed my hair back one more time. "Come on," he said softly as he slide my legs into the car and shut my door.

We made it home without a word. Gerard shut off the car and exited. He came to my side and opened the door reaching for my hand, as he pulled me out. We entered the house to a great smell of cooking food. Lindsey must have come home early from the studio.

"Hey Linds we're home," Gerard yelled. I kicked my shoes off and began to make my way to my room when Gerard's hand stopped me. He nodded toward the kitchen. "You need to drink some water and I'm guessing you're getting a headache right?" he asked. I hated that he knew exactly what was wrong with me but I obeyed anyway.

"Hey," Lindsey said turning to give Gerard a kiss. "How did," she began but quickly stopped. I turned toward her to see Gerard shaking his head. I hated that he tip toed around me. It made me feel so little and controlled.

"I freaked out, started crying, acted like a baby. Go ahead Gerard just tell her she's going to find out anyway," I said without thinking. "I'm sorry you have a mentally unstable step-daughter that your stuck with because she made her mom drive off the road and kill herself." At this point I was facing them with anger.

"You're not mentally unstable, sit down and drink your water," he said shacking his head. He stepped away from Lindsey and began to look through the medicine that they kept in the kitchen.

"I was making spaghetti, sound good?" She asked looking over at me.

"Sounds great," I muttered taking a drink of my water. Gerard approached the counter I was sitting at and set two pills on it for me to take.

"I don't like pills," I stated starring at them in dislike.

"I completely support that statement but right now you need to take these." I glared at him as I grabbed the pills and swallowed them. I sat at the counter drinking my water and listening to them talk about their day.

"Here go set these at the table," Lindsey said handing me a stack of plates and silverware. I exited the room and began to set the table. I could hear them muttering in the other room but couldn't really make out what they were saying. I quickly set what was in my hands down and leaned against the wall just on the other side of the doorway that adjoined the dinning room and the kitchen.

"No, I pulled her out of there as soon as I could. Linds she was shaking," I heard Gerard whisper.

"Well there is clearly something going on then. Did she say what caused it? Did she say anything at all?" Lindsey asked.

"Just that she didn't want to go," he said quickly. I heard footsteps coming toward me and I quickly pushed off of the wall. I made two steps toward the table when Gerard entered the room. He watched me for a moment as I set the table.

"Oh didn't see you there," I said as I turned around. His eyes scanned me.

"Ease dropping," he said asked simply.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I said with a straight face. I stared at him for a moment. "Can I go upstairs now?" I asked, "I'm really tired." He rubbed his face thinking for a moment.

"No," he said as if it were that easy. He walked over to me and rubbed my arm. "I just wanna keep an eye on you a bit longer. Then I promise you can sulk like any other teenager."

"I don't sulk," I said with a pouty face as I walked back into kitchen. I sat down at the counter, taking another drink of water.

"Bandit?" Gerard shouted attempting to gain the attention of the small child. I groaned at the sound. I rested my head on the counter, the cold temperature making my head ease from pain. Gerard's hand came to my back, rubbing it gently. "Bandit, it's dinner time." I could hear the young girl run downstairs and into the kitchen. Gerard picked her up. Lindsey handed me a bowl.

"Please take this to the table," she asked as she began to wash her hands. I nodded and walked into the dinning room.

After dinner, I managed to escape from Gerard and went up to my room. I shut the door and pulled out my mothers picture. I allowed my fingers to trace her figure. I should almost feel her brown hair in my hand. I pushed the photo back in my drawer. I needed to get out of my head, if only for a moment. I grabbed my paints and began to paint my wall once again. With every stoke I made, my mind pulled out of the fog it was sitting in. It felt like hours later by the time I was finished. I slide the paints back where they belonged. I slide my nightstand back to it place only to realized the paint now escaped from the cover of my nightstand. I didn't care. I would just have to keep them out of my room. I grabbed pajama's after deciding to take a shower.

I kicked on the hot steaming water. I stripped my clothes off of my body. I looked into the mirror and hated the image staring back. The scar running down the side of my stomach was still hideous. I climbed into the hot shower and watched as the paint slowly exited my skin and swirled down the drain. I slowly rolled my hair under the water. My body began to feel like it was going numb. Every breath I took felt as if ice was incasing itself inside my lugs. As if my brain finally kicked in, I realized my body was going numb because the water was cold. I shut the shower off and climbed out, wrapping my towel around me. I dressed myself and put my laundry in the basket in the bathroom. I pulled the door open to see all the lights in the house off. I walked down the hall and toward my bedroom door. There was a faint light on downstairs. I heard a chuckle in the distance. I wasn't tired. I couldn't sleep. I could barely move. I slowly descended the stairs toward the living room. The glow from the TV was the only light in the room.

I grabbed a blanket from the chair and walked up to the couch sitting down next to Gerard. I curled into his side as he wrapped his arm around me.

"Why are you so cold?" he asked during the next commercial break.

"The hot water ran out," I muttered.

"What did you continue to stay in there after it was cold?" he asked with a smile. He voice suggested it was a joke. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say. I felt him kiss the top of my head. "It's fine. You're okay, you're fine," he encouraged. The show began again which drew his attention back to the screen. At the end of the show, Gerard reached for the remote and turned the TV off.

"Come on, you need to get to bed," Gerard said pulling the blanket off of me. I whined.

"I don't want to," I said and I sat up.

"Well it's 11:30 and you have school tomorrow," he said standing up. Gerard reached out a hand for me to grab. I accepted with a groan. "Do you want me to tuck you in?" he asked as we began to climb the stairs.

"No I'm 15," I said stopping at my door.

"Okay," he said kissing my cheek. "Goodnight." I entered my room quickly shutting my door so he didn't see the walls. I crawled into bed, only to see her face when I closed my eyes. I rolled over to look at the clock. It was nearly one AM which meant it was very early in Jersey. After another hour had passed, I gave up and through the covers to the side. I turned on the light. I needed to see something other than her. I began to paint once again. It was abstract. There was no direct subject. it was something to calm me. To drown away her image. It was all designed to give me a place to not see her. In every stroke in every color, designed to eliminate the pressure I felt.

By the time I slide back into bed, I could hear someone stirring in the hall. I sighed pulled the cover closer. I didn't want to move but my alarm kept ringing. I finally managed to shut it off and pull myself out of bed. I changed out my paint covered pajamas and into jeans and a tank top. I through on a hoodie and exited my bedroom making sure I pulled the door shut behind me. I wandered downstairs and into the kitchen. I ignored the looks from Gerard and Lindsey as I poured a cup of coffee. I felt like a zombie and most likely looked like it.

"What's on your hand?" Gerard asked. I turned around and looked at my right hand. Black paint was smeared across it.

"I don't know," I muttered, sitting on the stool at the island next to Gerard. I laid my head down on my arm. I felt someone rub my hand where the paint was. I groaned but was to tired to say anything or to move. The assaulter continued to pick at my skin and rubbed the flakes away. Gerard rubbed my back while I sat there. Lindsey and he talked about their projects.

"Can I stay home again?" I asked as I managed to lift my head and take a drink of coffee.

"Yeah," Gerard said without a second thought. Surprisingly Lindsey did not argue with him.

"Really?" I asked surprised that I didn't have to beg, "I mean, thanks." Gerard smiled at me silently chuckled to himself. "Well in that case I'm going back to bed," I muttered not even bothering to finish my coffee. A hand came to my arm pulling me back. I was surprised to turn around and see the hand belonging to Lindsey.

"Just because you staying home today doesn't mean you're going back to bed. Sit down and finish the coffee you suddenly like. I'll make breakfast," Lindsey said in a motherly tone. I know she was just being an adult and one that was my stepmom but somewhere deep inside that didn't matter to me. I glared at her while taking a seat. She turned and walked to the stove.

"Rylynn," Gerard said in a warning tone.

"What?" I asked as I turned toward him.

"Stop with the look," he said simply. I gave a half smirk and looked down at my coffee. I took another drink and shot Lindsey another look as I set the cup down. Gerard leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Since you want to keep glaring, why don't you make yourself useful and go grab Bandit, she's in her room." I continued to look down at my coffee debating on whether I should just listen and go upstairs. "That's not me asking," Gerard whispered again. I rolled my eyes and stood up to walk away.

Slowly climbing the steps to the second floor. By the time I reacted the landing, Bandit was already exiting her room.

"Hey, your mom is fixing breakfast," I said looking at the young girl.

"Okay, would you like to play until it's ready?" she asked looking up at me with big eyes. She looked a lot like Lindsey. I turned around and began to walk toward the stairs.

"No, just come downstairs," I said softly.

"Rylynn, can I ask you something?" Bandit inquired. When I turned around I saw she had not left her spot.

"If it will get you downstairs, then yes."

"We are sisters right?" Bandit asked. My stomach suddenly hurt and I knew it wasn't from the coffee.

"Yes, in a way," I said looking at her.

"Then why don't you play with me Jamie plays with her sister and so does April."

"It's complicated Bandit," I said suddenly irritated at the child.

"I hate that word," Bandit said before walking past me.

"You probably shouldn't say hate," I muttered to her as I followed.

I returned to my seat next to Gerard. I took another sip of my coffee.

"Why not you do," Bandit said as she jumped on to the stool on the other side of Gerard. He assisted so the small child wouldn't smack her head. I rolled my eyes at her irritating habit of trying to be like me.

"Here's an idea Bandit, stop trying to do everything I do," I said sitting back down. Gerard and Lindsey both exchanged looks between Bandit and I.

"So the answer is no?" Bandit said in an upset tone. There was silence in the kitchen in which I bit my tongue and took a drink of coffee. "Rylynn is it a no?"

"It's a shut up and mind your own business," I finally said slamming my coffee cup down.

"Rylynn," Gerard and Lindsey said in shock. I was angry at Bandit for getting me yelled at. Frustrated because she still had it all and even through she didn't understand my existence here didn't mean she had to annoy me every day or ask irritating questions.

"Or maybe I should tell them what you said?" I asked looking at her.

"Don't," Bandit whined at me as she kneeled on her stool. I gave her a stone look in response.

"Alright, both of you knock it off," Gerard said forcing Bandit to sit back down. I continued to glare at her.

"Rylynn," Lindsey spoke in a stern voice making Gerard turn to look at me. I rolled my eyes at both of them and looked down at my coffee.

"I don't know what is going on with both of you, but don't do it again," Gerard said before standing up and walking toward Lindsey to grab plates. "Eat your breakfast, both of you," he said setting two plates down full of food in front of us. I groaned in response. I picked up my fork and took a bit of the eggs on my plate. I didn't want anything she made. I cut the food and moved it around the plate. At one point, I looked up at Gerard who was watching me intently. Just to prove a point, I picked up a fork full and ate it while starring him dead in the eye. He turned back to Lindsey as they finished their conversation. Lindsey began to clean the kitchen.

"Don't worry about that Linds, Rylynn wants to help," he said taking another sip of his coffee.

"No I don't," I said my voice soaking with venom.

"Yes you do," Gerard said ignoring my tone.

"Okay, B lets get ready to go," Lindsey said walking toward Bandit. They disappeared upstairs.

"When you're done playing with your food, you can do the dishes," Gerard said exiting the kitchen.

"I don't want to," I said standing up.

"Rylynn, just do it. I wouldn't be making you do it if you stopped glaring or fighting. Besides, we have a dish washer, it's not that hard." With that Gerard left the room. I sighed at my new found dispassion. I didn't understand why now, after all of this time, he was being all parent like. Either way, I hated it and wanted it to stop. I stood up and walked over to the garbage and dumbed the contents on my plate. Just because I had to do dishes doesn't mean I have to eat her cooking. I turned the water on and began to rinse off the plates.

Notes

~Nailsntacks