Normal

I don't even feel the need to eat anymore.Which is a pretty big deal considering how much I usually eat.

My god I don't even eat a lot but my body says otherwise.

Fuck I'm so tired.

I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

I'm tired of drowning in self pity.

I'm even tired of that small amount of hope I still hold onto.

I'm tired of just thinking about how sad I am nonstop when I'm alone.

I can usually push it aside and pretend everything's okay when I'm around people, but I mean that's just a learned trick by everyone nowadays huh?

It's pretty sad how everyone's basically like that.

The world is so fucked up that almost everyone is fucking dying inside but we're all able to just smile and carry on.

It's so rare to find an actual happy person, and that breaks my heart.

I'm so tired of it.

I wonder if I go fall in love with someone I'll be happy.

No.

They'll just end up hurting me.

Maybe I could just sleep around.

No commitment.

No attachment.

No love.

Just sex.

Make it all go away for maybe a good hour.

Fuck that sounds amazing.

But who's going to want to sleep around with me?

I'm so fucking ugly it hurts.

I mean sometimes in the mirror I look decent.

But then I go outside and I see how everyone else sees me and it just makes me want to puke.

Whatever.

There has to be someone else out there just as desperate as me.

But it can't just be one person.

That's how you get attached.

That's how you fall in love.

That's the last fucking thing I need right now.

Could you fucking imagine.

Some amazing guy telling me it's gonna be okay.

That one day we'll run away together.

We'll make something out of ourselves.

And then one day getting tired of seeing my disgusting face.

Or hearing my constant complaints.

Or me not getting better no matter what he says.

I wouldn't blame him for leaving.

I would leave someone like me.

But then I'd be broken.

Constantly thinking of how I should've been better.

How I should've known not to fall in love.

How I should've seen the warning signs.

How I should've stopped myself.

I can't add all of that on right now.

I just can't handle it.

So I guess sleeping around it is.

Notes