Normal

I made my mom cry today. I just can't believe it. My own fucking mother.

I didn't mean to I swear I just.

I was upset, I didn't mean to hurt her.

She was blaming me once again.

But I made sure she couldn't blame me!

I made damn sure I didn't say anything so she couldn't blame me for fucking up our lives anymore.

But then she blamed me anyway.

She wants us to move back in with my abusive father.

He's always been mentally abusing to the whole family but he gets physical with me.

That's why we left.

And ever since anytime we hit a rough patch my mother would turn around and say it's my fault, that I should've sucked it up and stopped pissing him off.

I know she didn't mean it.

At least I hope she didn't.

She hated him, hated living with him.

But when that final push happened, we figured out how fucking hard it is surviving out in the world on just one income.

I wanna help.

I want to get a job, but no one will take me they say I'm too young.

I feel so helpless.

I just don't know what to do.

I keep hiding everything from my friends.

I don't want to burden them.

My mom knows how depressed I am.

I know how depressed she is.

She offered for us to take our lives the other night.

I was in a different room putting my siblings to bed and she messaged me saying she was depressed and of course I told her I was feeling the same way.

And so she told me we could just kill ourselves and make everything go away.

She told me we could give the kids to their dads and just leave this earth get rid of the pain.

I don't know if she was joking or not.

Fuck I hope she was.

But either way just the fact that a thought like that went through her mind kills me.

How do you even react to that?

What the fuck do you do?!

I cried for the first time in a long time tonight.

As soon as I saw my mom break down and call herself a failure I just walked out the door and sat in my car and cried.

I don't know what to do anymore and it's going to kill me.

Nothing's working anymore.

Nothing's okay anymore.

I worked so fucking hard for my happiness and here I am back at square one.

I am better than I was.

I'll admit that.

But holy shit the pains the same.

I'm tired of being a burden.

I want to help but I don't know how.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to go back to my fathers.

He promises he's changed, but I know damn well everything's going to go straight back to how it was before.

I've learned not to trust promises anymore.

Promises are made to be broken right?

Notes