It's all tøø real

I quickly scampered to my feet keeping my eyes fixed on Gerard. He didn't have much of a reaction at all I saw a small hint of anger in his eyes but that's it no hurt no shock. I heard Mikey sigh in disappointment.
"I-Im sorry Frankie I shouldn't have fuck I'm sorry.."
I looked at him still in shock biting my lip harshly.His eyes were still glued to me it's like he hadn't even seen Gerard come in.
I stepped closer to him placing my hand on his shoulder "Stop. I leaned in to it's okay." I sighed softly. Slowly turning back to Gerard stepping up to him "Gerard. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm not going to tell you a bunch of bull shit and tell you it's not what it looks like. Because honestly thats exactly what it is. And I'm sorry I'm truly sorry I just you hadn't called or texted after I wasn't home last night I felt like you didn't care at all I don't know I don't have any excuses I'm sorry." I watched his expressions closely hoping he could forgive me. Gerard kept his eyes on me the whole time his expression rarely changing.
I heard Mikey cough uncomfortably and gerards eyes set straight on him. I gulped hard as he reaction actually softened a bit. He smiled softly keeping his eyes on Mikey then sighed heavily and just walked out not saying a word.

I stared at the door in disbelief.

He left.

The love of my life just fucking left me.

I felt my heart break but I could physically feel if I clutched my chest tightly as I completely stopped breathing. I just couldn't process what my life could be like without him. Everything went numb I felt like literally nothing and the next thing I knew I was on my knees and my face was soaked in tears. I still wasn't breathing rights my soft unsteady breaths had exome into deep heavy sobs. I clutched onto my knees tightly sobbing hard.
I felt mikeys arms wrap around me and pull me close. I just sobbed even harder my cries slowly turning into screams of pain. I couldn't believe I had fucked up so bad. He'll probably never forgive me. For fucks sake he just walked in on me about to fucking suck on his brothers face. I wouldn't fucking forgive me. I didn't deserve him. I never did.

I began to imagine my life without Gerard way. I would never get to see his sideways smile ever again.
Never get to see those beautiful eyes look at me lovingly.
Id never get to hold him in my arms.
I wouldnt never get to make him surprise pancakes in the morning and see his eyes light up.
I would never get to kiss his soft lips and taste the nicotine that stained them.
I couldn't ever be happy again.
Gerard way was the only fucking light in my pathetic life. I never deserved to have him come into my life, but I was to selfish to let him go and he cared enough to stay.
But now he was gone.
The only person who I felt like I could ever love was gone.
And it's no one's fault but my own.

I stopped crying. I just sat there numb. I drowned out any sounds of the world all I could hear was my own slow and steady heart. How was it even still beating at this point.

Notes

I'm terribly sorry