But I Love You

Gerard seems to be getting a little too close to me. I mean, of course I fucking love when we are close and on a good page, but he just won’t leave me alone. Sometimes a teen just needs a little time to themselves and I don’t think he realizes this. He just keeps kissing me and trying to touch me in both inappropriate and cuddly ways. I’m not to fond of being touched sexually and he knows this. I know, it sounds weird that a seventeen year old wouldn’t want that, but I just don’t crave that yet. It’s not something i’m constantly thinking about. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love getting cuddles and feeling wanted but I also love being left alone sometimes.
I especially don’t like it when he tries to touch me right in front of Bert and his own fucking brother. I do completely support sharing relationships publicly and all that, even more so because Gerard and I can’t for obvious reasons and we really want to. But, when it comes to trying to literally grope me in front of what I consider my family, I kind of have a problem with that. I can tell Mikey get’s really nervous and awkward and Bert simply just gets pissed. I don’t blame them. I feel the same as both of them, also. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there is a time and a place for things like that and that isn’t the right time or place.
This all started happening right after Gerard told the class that he’s planning on marrying me one of these days, and I can only imagine that’s the reason why he started getting so close. I’ve said before that I am extremely happy and excited about that. I mean, how many seventeen year olds actually get to experience all that I have, including the bad and good? But i’m starting to hate the student who asked how our relationship is doing because they caused me a lot of annoyance. I just want to share my body with myself now, more than ever.
I’m in my room, finally starting to read the book we have to read for english. I have to say, I feel even more guilty for not reading it sooner because it’s pretty good. I did talk to Gerard about why I never got around to it and everything and he let me have extra time. I told him about how my mood towards school is changing and how I just don’t have confidence in my schoolwork anymore. He said that he was always there to help with anything I have trouble with in school. I’ve said it many times, but I really am grateful to have him.
I hear a knock on my door and I jump a little, startled out of my daydreaming. I set my book down, getting up and walk over to the door. I open it and i’m immediately engulfed into a fucking bear hug. It’s obviously Gerard. He picks me up, still hugging me and spins me around. Jesus Christ, he’s acting like we haven’t seen each other in years when in reality, we fucking live with each other. But, I am scared to hurt his feelings so I just fake a smile and a giggle after he sets me down. He looks genuinely happy. Even more than I’ve ever seen him, so if it takes me being annoyed from time to time, I guess it’s worth it.
“I gotta question.” Gerard says while he just decides to barge into my room. I mean, this is his house and with all the circumstances, I really shouldn’t get mad at him for this. It’s not like I have anything to hide, either.
“What?” I ask, trying not to sound annoyed.
“Will you come to with me to pick up some Chinese food? Mikey is acting weird towards me and I don’t know why so I thought getting his favorite fast food will help at least a little.” Gerard explains, really seeming stumped to why Mikey is acting different. I bet I fucking know why.
“Uh, sure… But I look like shit.” I look over into the body mirror and cringe inside.
“Stop saying that!” Gerard snaps, “I’m sick of you saying that shit! It’s not true!”
I looked at him surprised by the sudden outburst, and put my head down, muttering a sorry. But, I don’t really feel sorry. I do believe that i’m not the best looking person at all and I just can’t help it. I can’t be sorry for something I can’t help feeling. It’s like saying sorry for feeling in pain when you break your leg. It’s just something you can’t help. I do feel sorry for making Gerard upset, though. I know he doesn’t like me saying or thinking things like that especially right in front of him but I didn’t even mean to say that outloud.
I then feel Gerard’s hand on my arm and he brings me up closer to the mirror. “Look in the mirror and tell me at least three things you like about yourself. I’ll stay here all day if I have to.” Gerard demands.
I look at myself very closely and sigh. I’m extremely pale and I have this weird dimple thing on my nose that I was never happy with. How did it even get there? My eyes are really big and baggy but my eye color itself is kinda cool.
“I um, kind of like my eye color. Not my eyes itself or anything, but I like the hazel.” I look at Gerard, hoping he thinks the same as me.
He nods, “I love everything about your eyes. They’re beautiful.” Gerard gives me a kiss on the cheek. I blush a little and smile.
I then look back into the mirror and put my attention onto my torso. I am pretty content with the weight i’m at. Yea, I have a little pudge near my waist, but it doesn’t really bother me. I’m not the strongest person or have a six pack either, but again, I don’t mind it. I wouldn’t want to have a very muscular body. It isn’t attractive in my eyes.
I lift up my shirt a little and feel my stomach. “My tummy looks nice, right?” I ask, feeling like I need approval for thinking that.
I think Gerard can sense how i’m feeling and he gives me a sad look. “It does, but even if I didn’t like it, you shouldn’t stop yourself from being happy with a part of yourself. I know my consent on the way you look is important to you, but your consent about yourself is even more important.”
I nod in agreement. Okay, now just one more thing I like about my body. Y’know, I really enjoy the way my legs look. They are pretty skinny but not to the point where they look like chicken legs. I keep them shaven so I really like how smooth they are. I personally look great in skinny jeans and if we’re being completely honest, I think my ass looks great too. It’s a little big for a male but i’m gay anyways so it’s just an advantage.
Woah, where’s this wave of confidence coming from? Can Gerard actually acheive me being happy with the way I look? That’s fucking weird. No one has ever made me feel positive about myself. I mean, except maybe my dad, but I don’t like discussing that…
I frown a little, not wanting to think about my father, but then smile, realizing how much Gerard has helped me since I told him I was homeless. Sure, we’ve been through a lot of shit, but all the good times stand out even more.
“My legs and booty are nice.” I giggle at the word ‘booty’. It’s always been a funny word to me.
Gerard grins, “Your booty is the top five things I love about you.” He slaps my butt and for the first time in a while, i’m not really upset with him. He did it in the right context, at the right time, and that’s all I wanted. For him to do things like that in the right circumstances is all I ask.
“Are we done? All this thinking and looking is making me hungry.” I whine, then go over and slip on my shoes to go with Gerard to get the apologetic Chinese Food.
Gerard looks at me with a breathtaking smile and chuckles, “Oh you must be starving, huh?” He sarcastically gives me a pouty face.
I roll my eyes and stomp out of the room, knowing that Gerard understands I’m joking. He follows me and tells Mikey we are going out really quick. If you’re wondering, Bert is out with someone planning on what he’s going to do to make it up to Mikey for what he said to him. He still won’t tell me but hopefully I’ll find out soon.
We get in the car and make our short journey to the Chinese restaurant. We luckily live near the busiest part of the town where all the malls and shops are, but the only bad thing is that it’s Jersey and that means there can be some dangerous people. We don’t exactly live in the wealthiest part of Jersey, either.
When we arrive, we go in and wait in the short line. I’ve never been in here before because we usually always get take out so I take the chance to look around. It looks pretty run down and old, but hey, they serve a mean vegetable Lo Mein. I can only imagine how dirty the kitchen might be, though. Okay, I should stop thinking about this.
I then put my attention towards my shoes and wonder why I chose to wear these. I’ve had them since I was homeless and I have new ones I never even wore before. Maybe they just have too many memories and what not, but can a shoe be that important to someone? I guess it can be to me.
I then feel Gerard’s hand squeeze my ass and I squeak in surprise. A few people look at us and he just keeps his hand there. Jesus Christ, why right now? Why does he feel the need to do that? It’s gotten to the point where i’m just angry but I don’t know whether it’s at Gerard or myself. Maybe i’m pissed at both of us.
He spanks me hard enough to make it hurt a little and I lose it, “Do I look like a fucktoy to you?!” I shout with anger in my voice. Now even more people look at me including Gerard. He swallows dryly and slowly takes his hand off my ass. I look at him with rage in my eyes and just walk out. Gerard doesn’t follow me so I suppose he is still going to order the food which is good because I am now actually starving.
I try to open the car door but it’s locked. I was hoping to have a dramatic entrance like him seeing me sitting in the back but I guess that isn’t possible. I know it seems like I’m joking around but I just don’t really know how to react right now. I don’t want to build up with sadness or distress because I’m sick of doing that. It doesn’t get me anywhere.
I don’t know… I just feel… used. Am I really just a fucktoy to him? It sure seems like that recently, but then if that were to be true he wouldn’t have made me find things I like about myself earlier and I don’t think he would have even bothered letting me live with him. He would’ve just found a time and a place to fool around with me during school. I can’t be a fucktoy. We never even fucked.
Maybe I feel something closer to a ragdoll. I’m just a thing that everyone can spill their emotions and needs on and i’m not supposed to have a reaction. People kick me around physically and emotionally and maybe I should get it through my head to just let them. It’s what other people around me want and if it keeps them happy, then I guess I did a good thing. I’ve always reacted to other people spilling all their emotions on me and look where it got me; My dad left me, my mom kicked me out and didn’t care that I was homeless, and now i’m in a fucking relationship that confuses the hell out of me. Not to mention i’m a fucking loser in school.
When Gerard comes out, I should just apologize (even though he really should) and let him continue touching me in anyway he wants. If it makes him happy, then why the fuck stop him? I now know my feelings don’t matter to anyone so it doesn’t matter how I feel about it. I’ll just let people screw me over and I’ll have to deal with it myself. Or maybe not deal with it at all.
I see Gerard walk out with the food and he unlocks the door, putting the food in the backseat while I take a seat in the passenger. He then sits in the driver's seat and starts the car. He looks at me with sorrow in his eyes.
“I’m sor-” He begins.
“No. I am. I… I like being touched like that. I just had a weird mood swing for some reason… Teenager thing I guess.” I lie and by the way the guilt in his eyes clears, I bet I was pretty convincing.
“Okay. But if you ever want me to stop touching you or anything, just say something and I’ll stop in a heartbeat. I’m glad you like being touched like that, though, because I like touching in that way.” He gives me a small smile and I return a fake one.
Well he said it himself, he likes touching me like that. Guess I just have to let it go and try not to think about it. It might be hard to get used to, but I will eventually.
Now we go home and have an apologetic dinner with and for Mikey, but in my head, it will be for me. I’m apologizing to my body for the things I might receive that I don’t want. And to my head for the pain and confusion I’ve caused it since the day I was fucking born.
Right when I get a little confidence, it completely fades away.
I guess I am just a dirty, ugly ragdoll.

Notes

Hello guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I just wanna say that I love all of Frank Iero and he is literally the most attractive person I've ever seen. What I wrote was only for writing and character purposes.

Feedback is always great, y'know!

^.^