Give Me Hope In The Darkness

Just as I thought I'd potentially fallen asleep (which would have been a miracle by this point) I heard a loud tap at my window. Thinking nothing of it, I snuggled deeper into my duvet however...another tap came, only this time, it came louder, causing my eyes to fly open and my mind to race with endless possibilities.

What on earth could it be?

As I was slowly edging my way out of bed, another two taps came from my window, completely in their own rhythm than that of the rain, which then made me half run towards it.

Inching my window open to catch a better view of what was potentially making the noise, I saw a dark figure peaking into the kitchen window which was directly below my own.

It was in that moment I remembered.“

Leave your window open tonight.” He called out over the music once I'd moved away from him.

“I don't think that's a good idea.” I began but he smiled devilishly at me.“

Just to talk. I promise.”

Shit.

Double shit.

'This cannot be happening.' I thought as I quickly opened my window all the way, a harsh breeze forcing it's way into my room as the rain continued to hammer down outside. Just as I was about to call out to the figure down below, they backed away from the window and looked up, readying themselves to throw, what I assumed, was another little pebble at my window.

“Dee?” he half shouted as his eyes squinted upwards, trying to shield the patter of rain drops from his face.

“Shhh!” I replied, checking the streets to double check my dad hadn't decided to come home relatively early this weekend or that he'd woken up the cranky old lady who lived across the road from us.

“What are you doing?”

“I'm coming up.” He spoke again, this time louder.

“Gerard no-”

But before I could continue my protests against him, he was already finding his footing against the vines that were positioned on the bricks and paneling of the house and was making his way up.

“Gerard...” I began but he slipped, loosing his grip for a moment and I half jumped forward out of the window.

“Be careful!”

In reply, all he seemed to do was laugh as he continued his way up the side of my house. I backed away from the window and quickly looked about the room for my hoodie. It was too late to change out of my shorts but at least they were big enough to sit just above my knees. He of course already knew I had cuts and scars but that didn't mean I didn't mind him looking at them. Eventually I saw his head pop up between the window frame and he continued to pull himself up until he was crawling into my room, droplets of rain hitting the hardwood floor.

“That's a hell of a lot more difficult to do in the rain.” He muttered as he stood up, running both hands through his hair revealing his pale, smooth complexion.

“What are doing Gerard?” I asked, defeated as I took in his soaked form.

“I told you to leave your window open.” He argued, a sense of deja vu hitting me.

“You were drinking...I didn't think you were serious.”

“I was drinking the first night I told you to leave your window open.” He pointed out with a small smile playing at his lips.

“Okay...but you could have come to the door.”

“Would you have let me in?” I shrugged. “I thought not.”

He stood there, just staring at me until my anxiety level had reached an all time high.

Just breathe Dakota.

“I'll get you a towel.” I murmured before turning away from him and heading to the small cupboard by our bathroom. I don't know exactly what had made me think about my mom but I know she'd be super pissed off with me right now...allowing a boy into my room after midnight and that boy being Gerard.

It was none of her business and besides...nothing was going to happen. He'd most likely try and pursue the friendship ideal and then we'd be back to square one.

I came back with a black towel and noticed him peaking around through some of my sketches that were lying on the table. Considering it was fairly dark, I doubt he could really see what any of them were.

“Here.” I said which caused him to jump slightly. I threw the towel towards him and he smiled sheepishly in thanks. He removed his leather jacket and asked silently if he could put it on the back on my desk chair. I nodded.

I stood there silently with my arms crossed as he ran the towel through his hair. I didn't know what to say. I was riled up with anger throughout the night after he'd kissed me ...as amazing as it was but now looking at him, my anger had subsided and now I only felt confusion. Moving my weight from one foot to the other the same question repeated in my mind.

What is it that he wants from me ?

“How was the party?” He asked casually as he leant against my bed frame, focusing his attention on the towel.

“It was fine.”

“Fine...so, not that great then huh?” He chuckled.

“It was fun.” I argued. He held his hands up in mock surrender as another smile touched his lips. “I spoke to Ray for a while. He was wondering where you'd gotten to.” The smile lapsed a moment but his facade came back almost instantly.

“What did you say?”

“That I'd seen you out front.” I decided not to reveal to him what Ray had said to me. He probably wouldn't take kindly to the fact his friend was trying to make a girl go easy on him after he'd royally pissed her off. He nodded slowly as he then moved to sit on the bed. I wasn't going to be able to get rid of him easily tonight. “Didn't you hang around a while?”

“I did but then went to meet up with some friends.” I nodded...still trying to think of a coherent thing to say to him. “Thanks for bringing Mikey home by the way.”

“Oh.” Was my first reply. “No, it's okay.”

“I went in quickly to check if he was and I found him half lying by the toilet...shame just written all over his face.” He chuckled, running another hand through his hair.

“He drank a little more than any of us expected.” I laughed with him. “He kept using the word amazing to describe everything.”

“He told me.” He looked up at me and smiled. “Some girl named Kate or something?”

“Yeah...they really hit it off. She's nice too.” He nodded, our conversation then again suddenly taken over by silence. I pursed my lips, shoving my hands into my pockets as I waited for Gerard to say something...anything about the kiss.

“So...what did you want to talk about?” I asked.

“Hmm?” He answered, looking up at me again.

“Well...when you told me to keep my window open, you said it was to just talk.”

“Oh right...yeah...well...” He stuttered, most likely trying to come up with something coherent. Maybe he really regretted the kiss?

“Firstly it was to apologize again about the night at the bar considering you didn't really accept my apology...well you didn't mean it-”

“Gerard-”

“But now...” He paused, looking directly at me, almost waiting to see if I had his full attention. “Look, about what happened...it wasn't a big deal. The kiss I mean. I did it to shut you up.” He joked with an uncomfortable chuckle.

Oh

“I've kissed lots of people so it didn't mean anything.” He continued but I had seemingly zoned out a little.

His comment didn't make me feel better. He really was trying to fuck me up. I paused before answering.

“Yeah, no, I get it.” I answered, a little harsher than I had wanted to. I stared down at my bare feet until I heard some shuffling coming towards me and then a pair of black converse came into my eye line.

“Dakota...” He whispered softly.

“Not, it's cool. I was drunk...” (Although I think I was sober) “...you were drunk. It's fine. Honestly.”

I didn't have the strength to look up at him. Like I said...he seems to interrupt my every thought, clouds my judgment and yet...I didn't know who I was when I stared into his hazel eyes. His finger caught my chin and forced me to look up at him. As I'd expected it to...my mind went blank just as the memory of his kiss replayed in my head.

“Are you okay?” He asked. I simply nodded. “Look...” He sighed. “I think it's best we not tell anyone about the kiss.”

“I thought you said it didn't mean anything.” I said, pushing his hand slowly away from my face. Instantly...rejection hit me and I knew then he was embarrassed by me.

“It didn't...but you know what people are like. I mean, Vee would probably a field day about it.”

“I thought you didn't care what people think?” I replied, walking away from him and finding comfort on my bed, taking the ivory knitted jumper into my hands again, stroking it gently.

“I care what you think.” He half whispered so I wasn't sure if he'd wanted me to hear it. He obviously didn't because he didn't explain it. He followed me to the bed and sat down beside me, our legs an inch away from touching one another's. “I don't really...but remember one of the first things I said to you?”

“That I was a slut?” He winced at the harshness of my words but shook his head.

“No...that you should probably stay away from me.” I nodded. “Well you probably should.”

“You know Gerard...you keep saying that but when I don't speak to you or see you...your the one who seeks me out even though I told you that you should probably stay away from me.” I argued, a little frustrated that we kept retreating back to our first conversations.

“Friendship isn't meant to be this difficult.”

“I know...”

“So why is it then?” He sighed deeply.

“Maybe it's just because your friends with me...but I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry.”

“That's not the point Gerard! Things were difficult way before you kissed me. We'd always end up getting into some stupid spat over whose more fucked up and then when you took me to the bar...that was dark.” I trailed off, clutching to the jumper.

“I know...it was wrong of me. Ray had a right go at me when I managed to get you into the car.” He offered sheepishly.

“And so he should.” I muttered, looking at him. He'd placed his elbows on his thighs and was staring contently at his joined hands. Regret was inhabiting his face. “I've forgiven you though.”

He slowly looked up to meet my eyes, confusion and...relief(?) littered about his face.

“Forgiven me?” I nodded. In reality, I hadn't realised that I'd forgiven him about that night either until I'd said it just then. “You ignored me for two weeks.”

“I know.”

“So why...if you'd forgiven me?”

“I didn't forgive you right away. You hurt me Gerard. After pushing the thought of friendship on me, you then introduced me as a 'friend of my brothers' and ignored me the whole night, while then getting extremely pissed off with me...” I paused once seeing the look of regret on his face again. “... and remember...I am a teenager.” I smiled, trying to make the conversation relatively light. “We're known to have mood swings.”

“Don't try to lighten what happened to make me feel better.” He answered sourly.

“I'm not...it's just...i'm fed up with feeling like rubbish all the time. You apologised and told me you had issues. I was aware of that when I went to the bar with you. Just because you did a fucked up thing doesn't mean your less of a person than I am.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I retorted which in turn made him smile.

“Look...we've already established that we're both fucked up, okay? So...if you don't want to hang out with me anymore...that's fine.” In the moment of saying the words, I didn't realise how much it effected me. The idea of never having a little moment with Gerard again...even if it was just talking about music or movies or art...it hurt.

“I never said that.” he answered quickly, taking one of my hands in his own and gripping it tightly, causing my whole body to break out in a blush.

“Then what is it that you want?” I whispered, looking up at him.

“I don't know.” He whispered back.

We stared at each other, the sound of the rain becoming louder and more claustrophobic as his thumb drew delicate circles along my hand. We were quiet for a painfully long time but I didn't feel as though I should say anything.

“Your the only one who seems to understand me.”

“I don't understand you at all Gerard.” I answered innocently which made him laugh.

“More than most.” I nodded, placing my other hand on top of his comfortingly.

“Yeah...”

“So...we're okay?” He asked hesitantly. Were we? I nodded, forcing a smile which seemed to please him as I patted his hand. We stayed like this for a while until the rain was beginning to let up.

“Dakota? Do you mind if I stay here tonight? I mean, I don't want to wake Mikey and my mom...” He trailed off, silently pleading for me to say yes. I certainly understood what it was like to not want to go home.

“I could use the company.”

I found him one of my oversized t-shirts and shorts (which were mens) and he seemed to find it extremely hilarious that I owned so many mens clothes. I ignored his laughter as I hung up my grandads jumper and climbed back into the bed so my back was touching the wall, leaving enough room for Gerard.

I wasn't entirely sure if we'd actually sorted out anything between us but my exhaustion was getting the better of me. Coming back from the bathroom, he hung his clothes around my room for them to dry and shivered as he climbed in next to me.

“Jesus! Your feet are freezing!” He exclaimed as he tried to shuffle deeper into the duvet.

“I have bad circulation!” I argued which again made him laugh. I liked the sound of Gerard's laugh. It was comforting, also knowing that I'd made him laugh.

After a while of tossing a turning, I was just about able to get comfortable until suddenly I got a rush of heat attacking me from under the covers. Wearing my hoodie would have been absolutely fine if Gerard Way wasn't falling asleep beside me. I debated what to do. I could sweat it out...but then I would feel absolutely disgusting and then I'd probably smell awful which would definitely make Gerard want to stay away from. He seemed to be at ease wearing the t-shirt, knowing full well that his scars were on show but it had been too dark to see them...he would definitely feel the 'fresh' cuts on my arms.

What would he think of me?

“Whats wrong Dakota?” He mumbled, his voice laced with sleep in the darkness.

“Nothing it's just...I'm really hot.” I whispered back to him.

“So take off your hoodie.” He answered simply. I paused, not saying anything or moving at all. His head twisted slightly and although I couldn't clearly see his face, I could feel his empathy.

“I won't judge you Dee.”

Giving in after a few minutes, I sat up and unzipped the hoodie, throwing it onto the floor next to his shoes before settling back down against the sheets. I was embarrassed for sure but certainly felt a lot cooler. He could probably feel me tensing and 'untensing' my shoulders, being ever so careful not to accidentally rub my arm against his.

Not long after, just when I thought he was asleep, he gently grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him so I was leaning my head against the crook of his neck as his hand encircled my waist, pulling me tighter against his body.

"Thank you." I whispered. He kissed the top of my head gently and whispered back a goodnight causing me to blush once more. I wrapped my other hand around his stomach and snuggled in closer to him feeling for the first time...in a long time...safe.

So this is what our friendship was going to be like? The odd kiss here and there and the midnight cuddling? In all fairness, I didn't mind it, along as it was with him but to me, this is not the definition of friendship...especially with the way Gerard made me feel. I definitely wouldn't do this with Frank or Mikey as much as I loved them but a little thought was nagging against my mind.

I was going back on what I'd told myself. Don't get attached to anyone and I was doing the exact opposite. From the way Gerard acted towards me would indicate to me that he definitely liked me but his words were a little different. He's never been clear with me BUT this time, I decided to not dwell on it.

I just wanted to enjoy the warmness I'd felt that night because of Gerard. I just wanted to feel normal.

Even if it was for one night.

Notes

I'm already half way through the next chapter...I feel as though I've kept you guys waiting long enough! Thanks again to those who are still reading it <3