Give Me Hope In The Darkness

I ran back into the house panting, anxious to not feel his presence around me any longer, to just be away. I didn't know if he was following me into the house or if he'd pissed off. I didn't care. I just needed to be away from him. Far, far away from him.

He just didn't seem to understand that he clouds my mind, confuses me and makes me feel things I don't understand at all.

He has fucked me up without realizing it. Almost without doing anything.

First – he hates me, loaths me even and then calls me a slut and wishes that Mikey would just throw me aside. Then, he sees my cuts, bruises and horrific scars (accidentally) and is suddenly all 'poor Dakota' and apologises when he finds out we're at suicide group together. AFTER that, we end up going for coffee and he insists we're friends just because we're both fucking suicidal and then pities me after my mom hit me (although he doesn't know she did). He spends the night in my bed (SLEEPING ONLY) , persuades me to skip school the next day and tells me why he hated me so much when we met while still not giving any details away about himself.

THEN...well... he made me feel...happy? I liked Gerard. I felt content with the idea of Gerard, with...whatever was going on between us but he ruined it. Ruined it at the stupid bar...I hate that bar.

I even ended up talking about someone precious to me...someone who Gerard, now at this moment did not deserve to know about.

AND NOW HE'S KISSED ME! Kissed me after hinting many a time that he doesn't feel that way about me at all...maybe Gerard's just the type of guy to throw a kiss here and there without it meaning anything? Well...I don't know but what I DO know is that I'm sure as hell pissed off.

Okay...so he has done a lot of things.

But...what is it that he wants from me?

I was searching the house high and low trying to find a friendly face but I came up with zilch. Pretty much every room I walked into, people were either making out or doing...other stuff that I didn't care to know about. I just wanted to go home and hide away. FOREVER.

However, while venturing back downstairs about ten minutes later, I found Mikey in a deep conversation with Kate, an extremely nice girl from our year (from what Mikey's told me). They were smiling sweetly at each other and seemed to be enjoying each others company. I thought it best I leave them be so; just as I turned, I bumped straight into a tall figure, nearly knocking the drink straight out of their hand. I looked up, horrified but suddenly at ease when I realized it was just Ray.

“Sorry Ray.” I smiled weakly at him.

“S'okay.” He chuckled, slightly drunk while wiping away the droplets that landed on his jacket.

“How are you?” I asked, being polite of course, considering the last time (and first time he met me) I got pissed.

“I'm great and you? Not drinking?” He chuckled.

“I'm okay.” I laughed. “And no...I feel as though I've had enough alcohol to last me a life time.”

“It's like that the first time but...well as soon as you have another drink, it's all good. Having a nice time though?” I paused.

“Yeah, no it's good. How about you?” I asked.

“I gotta hand it to Frankie. It's a fucking awesome party. I didn't think he'd be able to pull it off. He's terrible at organizing.” He answered, taking a swig from him drink.

“Well, his cousin helped.” I offered.

“True.” He laughed. “You know...I don't actually think Frank knows a lot of people here. I recognize a lot of them from campus.” He replied, glancing about the room.

“Your taking classes?” He shook his head before answering.

“Oh no, it's just when I sometimes pick Gerard up, I people watch.” He shrugged, taking another swig.

“Oh...” was all I replied to the mention of his name.

Gerard.

There was a pause between us as a loud crash was heard, followed then by a rowdy crowd of laughter. I wondered if what had been broken was extremely valuable...which then led me to zone out, sadly leaving Ray to have to wave a hand of his in front of my face.

“Huh?”

“I said...speaking of Gerard...have you seen him yet?” he asked, smiling at my momentary weirdness.

“Er...yeah, about fifteen minutes ago out front.” I answered, gesturing to the front door with my thumb.

“Cool...” He nodded.

“Why...?”

“I was just wondering where he'd gone too after he said he had to talk to you.”

“Talk to me?” I asked warily. He had certainly not just talked to me.

“Yeah...you know, about the night at the bar. He is sorry for how he treated you Dakota.” Ray consoled, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Truly sorry.”

“I'm sure he is.” I muttered.

“Try not to be too hard on him...he has some serious shit going on in his head right now.” He offered, most likely trying to soften my expression at the mention of Gerard.

“He's told you?”

“Not in so many words.” He hesitated. “When he's drunk, I've heard the odd mutter here and there but I know he's not in a sound place.”

Are any of us?

After speaking to Ray, I stayed at the party only a few hours more until I realized that Frank, Mikey and Vee were all completely and utterly pissed. It was no surprise considering it was Frank's birthday but now I had to come up with a methodical way of getting home while still not having to walk home alone at midnight in Jersey. Eventually however, Mikey had opted that he needed to get home as he was beginning to feel pretty sickly so I offered to go then too. I tried to say goodbye to Vee but she was too engrossed with some college guy. I told her to be careful and stay wherever Frank was but she wasn't listening. Maybe she'd done this kinda thing before? I didn't know but poor little Frank, on his Birthday, had passed out on a bed, so I left him a note and a glass of water near him, happy to be on my way home.

After my...encounter with Gerard on the front lawn, I hadn't seen him at all. I'd expected him to still be hanging out with Ray at some point but evidently not. I was relieved to say the least. I didn't think I could handle speaking to Gerard tonight. My head was all over the place.

He certainly was not going to climb through my window either.

As Mikey and I left, his arm around my neck and mine around his waist for support (he'd drank much more than I'd thought), the party was still going strong. I wouldn't be surprised if the cops turned up at some point to try and shut it down. The music was EXTREMELY loud. So loud that it must have burst my ear drums seeing as though I hadn't really noticed it until Mikey pointed it out. Or, maybe I'd built up some weird resilience to it?

It began to spit a little but Mikey was now far too gone to even care or in fact notice. We'd started up a random conversation about the importance of shoe-laces and soon enough that pretty much took up the entirety of our walk home. As we were approaching our street however...I couldn't help but ask Mikey about his time with Kate seeing as though he'd spent the whole night with her.

“It was a-maz-ing!” He answered while stumbling, a little goofy smile appearing on his lips. “She's amazing like...super amazing. I didn't know she was that amazing! I mean I knew she was nice and all...she's in my English *hiccup*...but...yeah...amazing”

“Your gonna see her again, right?” I asked hopefully. He nodded happily.

“She's given me her number and wants to do something *hiccup* next weekend.”

“I'm so happy for you Mikey.” I smiled.

“Me too.” He smiled proudly. “Amazing...”

“So, she was that amazing huh?” I giggled, trying to drag him past the last couple of houses.

“So amazing.” He sighed, content. “I want Gerard to find someone that amazing.” I paused, not entirely sure of what to say.

“He will...”

“Or maybe he already has!” He suddenly shouted as the distant bark of a dog echoed it's way through our street. I shushed him, giggling as he repeated it, only this time in a whisper.

“What are you talking about Mikes?”

“Well...*hiccup* he say's he'd hit it off with you when you went for coffee and all. Like friends...I think.” he mumbled.

“You think?” I asked, my brow raising, trying to keep Mikey in the conversation as I could see the alcohol and exhaustion taking it's toll on him.

“Well...I know he said you hit it off but maybe not as friends...” At this point, as mad as I was with Gerard, I was extremely curious to know exactly what he'd said to Mikey.

Maybe I'd know how he actually feels about me.

“Mikey...what do you-?”

BUT before I could even finish my sentence, Mikey had launched himself towards his neighbours flower beds and vomited all around them.

“Shit...” I whispered under my breath.

The neighbours would wake up to a surprise tomorrow morning.

We stayed there for about five minutes. He refused to move until all the sick was out of his system...well as much as it could be while he was like this but THEN I was able to get him into his house without much persuasion just as the rain got a hell of a lot heavier. I double checked and made sure he was physically inside his house before making a run for my own.

Everything was black, the curtains still open and not a sound could be heard from any corner of the house. My dad was still out. I was relieved in some sense purely because I wanted to be alone and also, I didn't really want to talk to him while he was drunk. I loved my dad and all but I really don't seem to get on great with drunk people.

Gerard being a perfect example of that.

Pushing him from my mind completely, I dragged myself up the stairs, peeling off my semi-soaked jacket before throwing it onto my desk once I'd managed to get to my room. Too tired to brush my hair, only running my fingers through it, I took my socks, shoes and trousers off and found my night shorts and my over sized grey t-shirt to wear before quickly heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished and was beginning to settle, I approached my wardrobe and found my grandads jumper hanging just where I'd left it, the scratchy feeling a comfort, I picked it up delicately and buried my nose into the chest of it's design, still smelling the most comforting smell to me – peppermint and pipe tobacco.

Deciding to leave my curtains open so I could feel the moons light about me, I climbed into bed, with the jumper still tight in my hands, settling myself, trying to soothe my already busy mind.

Before I could even finish, his hands cradled my face as delicately as they could as his mouth claimed mine, with a deep passion that knocked me breathless. His lips were soft, delicate and I felt as though I were to faint from the impact. His fringe tickled my forehead, as his fingers moved to the back of my neck, deepening the kiss. I didn't know what I was doing. I was frozen, my eyes automatically shutting in an attempt to keep myself sane as my hands gripped his upper arms for support.I felt alive. The most alive i'd ever felt in my short life.My mind was blank.I only felt fire.

Please Gerard just leave me alone!

Just as I thought I'd potentially fallen asleep (which would have been a miracle by this point) I heard a loud tap at my window. Surely it must be the rain.

Thinking nothing of it, I snuggled deeper into my duvet however...another tap came, only this time, it came louder, causing my eyes to fly open and my mind to race with endless possibilities.

What on earth could it be?

As I was slowly edging my way out of bed, another two taps came from my window, completely in their own rhythm than that of the rain, which then made me half run towards it.

Inching my window open to catch a better view of what was potentially making the noise, I saw a dark figure peaking into the kitchen window which was directly below my own.

It was in that moment I remembered.

“Leave your window open tonight.” He called out over the music once I'd moved away from him.

“I don't think that's a good idea.” I began but he smiled devilishly at me.

“Just to talk. I promise.”

Shit.

Notes

Hi! Just wanted to thank all you lovely readers out there who have supported this story and commented or voted or simply just read it. It's been about seven months since I lasted updated so I'm a little rusty but I hope you enjoy this chapter. A lot of Dakota and Gerard in the next chapter, I promise!

Thank you all again. It means a lot. <3