Letters from the Dead

Ray clenched his right fist in anger, slamming it hard against the nondescript wall. The pain ricocheted through his fingers as he punched the wall again. Gritting his teeth, he leaned his forehead against the wall and breathed deeply. He wanted to scream at someone, hurt someone, do anything else… anything else to distract him from the rampant gossip flying about in the unit about Gerard’s death. Black, that stupid, ungrateful little fucker probably wasn’t the only one happy about Gerard’s death.

Every single word he heard, every single nasty comment or insult about Gerard hurt Ray.

He hated that every single one of them didn’t know Gerard at all, and yet insulted his memory. He hated that most of them thought that he deserved to die. He hated that most of them had based Gerard's life on one single mistake and dismissed the rest of it. Dismissed the cases Gerard had solved, dismissed Gerard's brilliant work at criminal profiling. He hated that none of them acknowledged what Gerard had done for the unit.

Ray glowered angrily at the wall.

His best friend didn’t deserve this.

He sighed, sitting on the steps of the stairwell, frustrated. He wavered before reaching into his pocket. He took out the last letter that Gerard had left him, smoothing out the creases. No foul play had been detected and Gerard’s case had been closed and classified as a suicide. The final letters that Gerard had written had been returned to Ray and Bob last week. Bob was still holding onto Frank’s letter.

They both decided that soon, they would give the letter to Frank. Frank had been slowly recovering after Gerard’s death, but both of them knew that the letter would devastate and shatter Frank – whatever little was left of him after Gerard had killed himself.

Ray sighed again. There was nothing he could do about it. He opened Gerard’s letter, traced the familiar scratching on the paper and read it again.

Ray,

I’m sure that all my letters have been read by you and most people in our unit… but well, that was not unexpected. I’m relieved in a way, actually.

No more secrets between us now, Ray.

I’ve known you for so many years… you’ve always told me how you admired my “criminal profiling abilities”. Well my dear partner, it should be obvious to you now why I have been able to excel. I know what these monsters feel and can predict what they will do easily because I’m one of them too.

Takes one to know one, eh?

You’re a kind, understanding man… and I know that whatever I have done, you will forgive me. You might even be able to sympathize with me. I’m not looking for pity or acceptance though. I’m unsure as to whether I’m ashamed of what I have written in my letters. I know I’m ashamed of what I have done in the past, ashamed of taking the coward’s way out of things now… But I’m not ashamed of admitting the feelings that I’ve harbored for the past twenty years. Guilt, fear, pain, anger, misery… However, I think it doesn’t matter to me now that you’re reading this. I’m already dead, and after all, a dead man can feel nothing, can he?

I remember the first time we met. First thing I said to you was “I imagine that coiffure of yours has given you much points in stealth?” and then you said to me just as sarcastically, “I imagine your award-winning attitude has charmed many criminals into slithering right into your arms.”

Hilarious wasn’t it? I was an asshole, I admit. I never wanted a partner, never wanted someone else looking out for me behind my back. Always thought to myself… if I died, so be it. Hell, if I did, I deserved it anyway. Till the higher-ups forced us together. However irritated I was, I’m sure you were much more exasperated. Being Lucifer’s partner sucked, didn’t it?

I’m glad it all worked out though. It’s been an amazing journey, I admit. It’s been my job to be the coldblooded, pessimistic, taciturn and intimidating asshole, and your job to be the hot-headed, warm, obscenely cheerful and self-sacrificing idiot.

I can’t remember the number of times we’ve had screaming matches at each other. You were always the reckless one I had to baby-sit, and I was the cool-headed one you wanted to strangle. Learn to keep your calm always, Ray, whatever happens in any case. It’s the one disadvantage you have. You always rush in head-first into the situation based on your intuition without concern for your own hide. Do you have any idea how many bloody freaking forms and reports I had to write because of your impetuousness? I can’t remember how many times I had to save your thick hide, and how many times you ended up in the hospital. And every time we closed a case, you would look at me and grin in that silly, self-satisfied way, proud and content, like a dog that has just discovered the location of a long-lost bone. And I would think to myself, “Oh dear lord, I have an overgrown puppy for a partner.”

Yet, the number of times you have come through for me is equally as much as the number of times I’ve saved you. Truthfully, things would have been much tougher without you.

I’m thankful that however pathetic I am, however unworthy of what little pleasures or rewards in life that I have gotten, I have found friendship in you and Bob, and love in Frankie. It’s been a pleasure and an honor being your partner and your friend. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for everything, Ray. All the best. You deserve happiness.

Gerard

P.S Grow some fucking balls and ask Christa out will you? The UST between you guys is disgusting. Seriously.

The edge of Ray’s lips twitched into the remnants of a smile.

His partner was really an evil bastard sometimes.

Ray missed Gerard with all his heart and soul.

Notes

Muse - Falling Away with You

I can feel my world crumbling
I can feel my life crumbling
I can feel my soul crumbling away
And falling away
Falling away with you