In My Mind Only

Ray's face softened as he realized what I was saying. It'd been so long since I'd seen that certain look in his face, and a huge part of me really did miss it. I felt my phone vibrate against my leg, but I avoided it. Mr. Way could wait. This is something that I have to get passed if I'm going to leave this place and person behind me.

"It's been," Ray paused, "a while, hasn't it?" he asked hesitantly. I stepped closer to him, never breaking eye contact with him as I grabbed his hand and held it tightly.

"Listen, Ray," I said. He didn't try to pull his hand away and I was really grateful.

"I haven't seen you so relaxed in a long time, Frankie," he spoke, ignoring the sentence I'd started.

"After you left me, I didn't want just anyone in my heart. But Ray, look-"

"You're still as beautiful as you've always been."

"Don't say that to me, Ray!" I yelled. I threw his hand down. He took hold of my shoulders and shook me slightly. It was the same thing he used to do when he needed to get a point across to me.

"Frank! It may not mean anything now, but I still love you. This whole time I was with Jealousy, I really wanted to be with you," he said as he held onto my shoulder tighter.

"You lost the right to feel that way whenever you took a shit on my heart!" I hissed. Then he did something I'd been dying for him to do since he ripped us apart; he kissed me. Hard. I relaxed against him before pushing him back.

"And what about that bullying shit? Huh? Why did you do that to me? You loved me? You wanted to be with me this whole time? Just shut your mouth! You made your choices, so now you deal with the consequences..." I said. We stood there for a long while before I opened my mouth to speak again. "I'm enlisting in the Army today, Ray. After we graduate, I won't have to see you anymore. I won't have to see anyone from this town ever again."

Then I walked passed him and into the separate school building. He wouldn't follow me. He knew he didn't have the right to, and that's something that's always stopped. It's something that has always been his problem. I kept walking and didn't turn back, because, if I knew him as well as I used to, he was still standing there, looking back at me. I walked into the latrine and locked it behind me. I knewit was unsanitary, but I still sat down on the little shower seat they had in there for the kids who were taking mechanics and needed to wash up. Nobody ever used it, and by how rusty it was, it'd been this way since they built this little building behind the school about 10 years ago.

I leaned back against the wall and stared at the white painted wall across from me, outlining the chips in the paint, hoping to distract myself. I lost that battle when I felt the overwhelming feeling I hadn't felt since Ray told me he didn't want to be together anymore. This time I felt the tears come out, and they burned my skin like fire. I tried wiping them away, but more continued to fall and all I was doing was spreading my tears. I finally gave up and just let them fall.

"Stop it," I whispered. "Stop crying."
But I still love you, "Shut up."
You're still as beautiful as you've always been, "Stop it."
The whole time I was with Jealousy, I really wanted to be with you.
Frankie, come on! The comic book shop is going to close soon!I laughed.
Frankie, look, I love you. Let's go out.
I really want to kiss you, Frank. Can I?
Baby, you look so fucking beautiful on top of me like that, mm..
Frank, can you believe we're about to be freshman?
A-ah, Frank, yes. Just like that... Your mouth feels so good...
I bit my lip, trying to forget everything.
Hey, I met this cool girl at the park. She's going to be going to the same school as us! You gotta meet her! Her name is Jealousy. Weird, right?!
Sorry, I can't hang out today. I promised Jealousy that I would take her to the comic book store.
Sorry, I'm hanging out with Jelly today.
I covered my ears. Stop it!
Fuck, yes, Jealousy- Fuck! I'm sorry, Frank. I was just distracted...
Look, I think we should break up. It was good while it lasted, but I really like Jelly and I want to be with her. You understand, right?
"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled. Then I finally heard the banging on the door and a voice yelling through the door.

"Frankie! Open up!" It was Mr. Way's voice. I slowly got up and opened the door, automatically unlocking it. I came face to face with a worry-faced teacher. He quickly came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. "Frank, who were you talking to?" He asked quietly. I felt fresh tears coming out, but I didn't bother to wipe them away.

" I was talking to myself. That's all," I said back. He held me tighter.

"Why didn't you tell me you were in love with Ray?" He asked.

I froze. "You heard that? All of it?"

"Yeah," he whispered. I stepped away from him, but he wasn't letting go.

"Mr. Way, everything is messed up. Jealousy is using me as a rebound, which makes me dislike her very much, you told me that you were jealous of my almost non-existent relationship, and Ray told me he still loves me. I just want it all to stop. Please, make it stop," I said as I felt my mind going almost weightless.

"Frank? Frank! Stay up, come on. Let's try to get you to the nurse," he said as he looked into my eyes.

"Today was supposed to be the second best day of my life... " I didn't want to explain more. I wasn't going to tell him I was going into the Army until I had my basic date, because if he, for some reason, seemed like he didn't want me to go, I would probably stay. I wasn't stupid, I knew I had a soft spot for Mr. Way. I knew he had one for me. But we both knew there was nothing we could do about it. That was life. After I left, I wouldn't see him again. He'd keep teaching here and I would never come back. I looked into his eyes as he was focused in front of us, trying to get me to the nurse's office. I would miss him; there wasn't any doubt about that. I'd said that I was grateful that I stopped myself from trusting him before it happened, but I really didn't. I trusted him after he never spoke of what happened that first night during the storm.

He looked back at me. "What is it? Do you feel fine?" I looked for too long. I just nodded and he bit back a question.

"Mr. Way. We graduate in less than five months... What will you do when we leave?" I asked. It was stupid for me to think this way. I thought I'd hidden this insecure, attention-seeking, vulnerable, immature self behind when Ray left me.

"Well, I'll probably stay here. Continue teaching."

"What about Ray?"

"Well, we'll have to see what happens before graduation," he responded. During the rest of my time here, I needed to get away from everyone. I need to focus on school and training for basic. I need to be my absolute best or I'd never leave this small town.


"What about you? What will you do?" He asked me. I wasn't expecting him to ask me back, but it only made sense.

"I'm not sure. I'll probably go to a university far away from here," I spoke. I watched his facial expression, trying to catch a look of discontent anywhere, but never found one. I was broken from my thoughts when Mr. Way started singing Something by the Beatles. I felt that he started singing this song for a deeper reason than the fact that it was an amazing song, but I ignored it instead. I didn't want to think about it. We finally pulled up to the nurse's office, but it was locked and she wasn't there. I sighed in relief as the rang and we walked to his classroom since I had him next. But I also had Ray. I don't think I could face him.

"Are you going to be okay going to class?" He asked me.

"I'll be fine. Just teach a good lesson. Oh, also, about the essay..?"

"I passed you. I found the other one, but both got an A+, smartass," he laughed. I chuckled and we went inside the classroom and waited for the other teenagers to come in. Surprisingly, Ray was one next one to come in. He came right up to me and punched me in the face, knocking me out of my seat. I held my jaw as pain shot through it. I spit up blood, but I just looked up at him.

"Fuck you," he said through his teeth. I stared him.

"You already did, Ray." He fucked me in more ways than one.

"Mr. Toro, leave my room, please," Mr. Way said. His voice sounded strained, like he was in a lot of pain. Ray didn't argue, he just turned away and left quietly.

"All those other things that happened to you... It was him, wasn't it?" He asked as he got up and walked over to me.

"Yeah," I said softly. He kids started coming in and they all stared at me. I leaned in closer to Mr. Way. "Is it noticeable?" I asked him.

"Uhh, yeah. Frank, it looks pretty bad. Step out." I nodded and picked up my bag, and heading out the door. I sat out in my thinking place and pulled out my phone. I had a message, that's right. It was from Mr. Way. I looked at it and wanted to throw my phone at the wall.

Gerard: I think I hold something for you.

I put the message in my spam box and put my phone away. i was just going to act like I never got that message. I'll just continue on. After all, I'm changing my life after school.

I spent the rest of the day going to my other classes and avoiding Mr. Way's classroom. He texted me asking if I was okay and then texted me again asking if I wanted a ride home. I didn't answer. I walked my way to the my Army recruiters office and signed some papers. Everything was passing by in a blur and I couldn't even think straight.

"The day you go to basic will be exactly 6 months from now. June 26. Are you ready to serve your country, Mr. Iero?" He asked. He looked proud of me. It's what I imagine my father's face would look like.

"Yes, Office Greene. You won't be disappointed." Then we shook hands and I left. This is it. I'm officially leaving. There's no backing out now. Not when I've come this far. I look out at the view I have of my town...

"I'm leaving."

Notes

I actually cried while writing this. I can't even tell you why.
Anyways, enjoy! Feedback would be sexy <3

-OAIF <3