It started with nothing

I’ve been standing in front of Gerard’s house for about 10 minutes screaming at myself the entire time: “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.” You probably can tell, that it didn’t happen though. My head was screaming for me to leave, but my heart and every single cell in my body wanted to stay and see the gorgeous, caring and smart man again.

Not sure how long I actually stand there, but for sure much longer than it would be good for us all. Why? Because after some unspecific time, Gerard poke his head through the door frame and found me standing there, absolutely divided between leaving and seeing him after such a long time.

He sounded quite surprised, maybe because I actually turned up, maybe because he found me just chilling there facing the driveway, or maybe it was both, “Frank?” I turned around searching for the source of the silky and soft familiar voice. I looked him straight in the face right away, God, I missed him. His little cute nose, his eyes. Right there I realized he’s going to be the death of me someday.

“How long have you been standing here? Why didn’t you just come in? I mean, you always did.” Gerard sounded a bit weird, nervous even, when he spoke to me face to face. He didn’t sound like this over the phone, maybe it really wasn’t a good idea at all to come here. This couldn’t end well.

“Uhmm,” not sure what I should say, “Not long, just arrived.” Liar.

Gerard didn’t seem to buy it though, he just raised his left eyebrow and gestured for me to come in. I seriously wasn’t sure if I should, maybe it would be safer if we just had this conversation outside, on the other hand, there was quite a risk of anyone seeing us, and God knows how this “talk” would go. So I rather came in, in the end. Not sure how the neighbors would handle a fight between a grown up business man and his teenage lover.

“So,” he said and sat down onto a chair nearby the window, then he told me to sit down and pointed to a sofa right across him.

He was looking at me like he was expecting for me to start talking first. Well don’t get me wrong, I would talk, but unfortunately at the moment I couldn’t get a single word out from my mouth. My voice just didn’t work. I was scared that I might fuck things up again, just like the phone call that I shouldn’t accept at the first place.

And so I sat there, there and then I was trying to smile at him a bit, most of those came out very awkward to me, so I was just hoping that the smiles themselves didn’t look so awkward to him.

At sudden, he started to speak, “So, uhrm,” he stopped talking, cleared his throat and started again, “So, how you’ve been?” I must say, I was kind of stunned by that. Is that what we came to? Awkward talks about weather and how we spent our weekends? How I’ve been? Pretty fucking bad, that’s how I’ve been. But of course I wouldn’t tell him that.

“Not really good, Gerard, not really good.” I responded. But Gerard only raised his left eyebrow again, cleared his throat once more and asked: “And why is that?”
Because I love you, because I cheated on you with your daughter, and I barely can properly look into your eyes because of that.

“I wasn’t sleeping very well, I have nightmares a lot these days.” I replied and waited for his reaction, could he tell I was lying straight into his face? But he couldn’t. I was too of a good liar to let anyone see through the lies I’ve said.

“Well, seems like we have this in common, I mean the not sleeping, not the nightmares.” He said and tiredly ran his hand over his eye area, after that he started kind of pinching his nose bridge between his thumb and forefinger. After a while taking his face in, I noticed that his eyes were quite a bit red, and I honestly hoped that it was just a side effect because of the lack of sleep, I couldn’t bare him crying because of me. That would kill me.

Gerard sighed, then looked at me with a straight face and then he spoke again: “Look, Frank, I wanted to talk to you about everything that had happened, and about us,” in that moment I’d swear that I saw a flash of pure sadness in his eyes. I was starting to feel sick, it was me. All of this was my fault.
He waited a while, thinking that I might respond, but then he concluded that I probably won’t, so he started to speak again.

“Listen, Frank, I know, that we need to keep a low profile. I know that I overreacted, I was mad and I was hurt. Just imagine what I was seeing in that moment – I saw my boyfriend, the man I love more than anything in this world, and I saw him taking my little girl out, clearly on a date. I was completely done for. But I made a mistake, I should’ve called you. I should’ve let you explain, that very night, and for that, I am sorry,” I understood him, of course, but I didn’t know how to respond, so I just kind of nodded my head as a sign that I understand. But that wasn’t enough for him.

“So what? Will you finally tell me why? Why didn’t you tell me about it before when we were talking over the phone?” I was trying to sort out the thoughts in my head. What was I thinking about at that time? Oh right.

I took a deep breath, “Because I knew that you wouldn’t like it. I knew you would be mad knowing that I’m taking your daughter to a party full of drunken and horny teenagers. God knows what could’ve happen to her there and all of those thoughts like that.” The whole time I was speaking, I stared at my hands somehow folded on my lap, I found a courage to look at him in the end. He was looking at me with this weird and pondering look.

Oh shit, he knows something. He did manage to look through the lies.

“Frank,” he started slowly, almost carefully, “, at the party, did something happen in there, something that I should know about?”

Fuck. And there it was again, the battle inside of my brain.
TELL HIM!
NO!
TELL HIM!

“No.”

Holy shit. I said that out loud.

Gerard took a moment to properly look at my face, after that he started somewhat approvingly nodding his head. Then his face softened. From his position, where he was resting his elbows on his knees, he quickly reached for me over the space between his chair and my seat at the couch. He pulled me so close that a second later, I felt his hot breath gently hitting my face, in the end, he softly whispered: “I love you, Frank Iero,” and after a quick look straight into my eyes, he pushed me against himself and connected our lips in not so gentle kiss.

Notes

Hello! Here is another chapter! Soo, what do you think?