It started with nothing

Time passed by and I was starting to feel okay again. I got busy with school, which was rather annoying, but good for my grades, besides school I hang out a lot more with Sam and Dean. After I told them what happened, they were more than supporting of me. They knew what would mean to me if my father got to know that I’m gay, and they understood my decision, well kind of. I could tell Sam was thinking something else about it, but he never said a thing, probably because I felt and looked like hell.

I didn’t care anymore, about anything. I didn’t hear from Gerard, and honestly, I wasn’t even trying to reach him. If I did, I would tell him everything and I never intended to hurt him, even if I probably already did. It could be worse. I’m comfortable with being labeled just as teenage asshole, cheater I would handle, not sure how he would though. Knowing this would break his heart even more.

So days passed by, later on they turned into weeks. Two weeks to be exact. And exactly 25 hours, and 58 minutes I received a text from Gerard. It was short and very simple. Just as I deserved.

From: Gerard
So I guess this is it then. Anyway, nice knowing you and all of that. Have a nice life.

And I’d be lying if I told you that I took it like a strong and independent man, bitch I cried like a motherfucker. It hurt, but I knew it was “for better”, it’s cliché, but I wouldn’t be able to look in his eyes ever again, let alone pretend that everything was okay and in no way I’d hurt him even more by saying him what happened. He wouldn’t believe me anyway, she’s his daughter. Who would believe that anyway? Right, no one. So I just went through my life on my own again, well… At least I still have my mom. She’s the only reason why I’m still staying here.

*

In the middle of next week I got like a thousand texts and missed calls from Amelia, needless to say that I dumped her after I didn’t feel like dying, which was few days after that incident, then I blocked her number and I even had to buy new phone card, that’s how much calls and texts I was getting from her. It was fucking scary. She was everywhere, especially this week.

I was hiding in a bathroom stall, last few days bathroom was the only place where I could be alone, but only because I changed the location every time, never the same bathroom twice in a row, so she couldn’t keep a track of me. Like sure, it wasn’t that big school, but there wasn’t much time in between the classes and I couldn’t care less if I missed something, giving my now almost all A’s.

So I was just chilling, listening to music, sitting on the toilet, so I decided to check my old phone, just in case someone other than that psycho bitch tried to reach me. I turned the phone on, waited and waited and waited (well in its excuse, it was a phone-grandpa) after a while it started all come in, all the texts and calls from Amelia, few from Dean before he remembered that he has my new number, and one from…. Gerard.

My heart stopped.

From: Gerard
Frank, what the hell, I never meant a thing to you? That’s why you can’t be bothered to text simple, even one-word, message to me after what I texted you? I must say that I’m really hurt by that fact.

He’s hurt.

But of course he is hurt. Jesus Christ. And he doesn’t even know a shit about what happened that night. I can’t call him. I can’t hurt him even more. I just CAN’T tell him that I betrayed him. It would’ve killed him. No that’s wrong. It would’ve hurt him, but it would’ve kill me.

Why is he even trying to reach me? It hurts me too. I love him, for God’s sake! Maybe I should call him and tell him that I changed my mind about all of it. About us. Tell him that it was all a mistake. But I couldn’t do that, even if somebody held a gun pointed at my head.

In the heat of a moment, just when I was thinking about Gerard and me, all those beautiful moments that we shared, I found myself typing and then immediately sending a text. OKAY. NICE ONE, FRANK, you selfish bastard.

To: Gerard
I love you, I’m sorry. I can’t.

Yeah well that shouldn’t hurt him a bit. Why the fuck would I even write that?! Why couldn’t I just leave it alone? Damn this phone and all its texts. Damn my life and my selfish mistakes.

Just a few seconds later, between me thinking about drowning myself in that dirty and disgusting toilet, I got a call. From Gerard, of course. I didn’t mean to accept it, but I wanted to hear his voice so bad. One more time couldn’t hurt, could it? If I don’t speak much, if I don’t tell him anything important, no one should get hurt. Oh God, I just want to hear his voice once again, for the last time.

“Hello.” It wasn’t even a question, my mood was dead, I was dead, and his voice was the life I needed. Just one more time, please, without drama, without hurting.

Gerard waited a second before he spoke up: “Frank, I’m holding myself back from being crude to you right now,” but you know what? Even this sentence, poured some life, a new blood, into my bloodstream.

“I deserve it,” more than you think.


“Yes. You do. You have no idea how much.” If you only knew, Gerard.

I had to hold myself together, I couldn’t say all the things I wanted to say. All of those things I'd say would hurt him even more, and that’s the last thing I ever wanted. So before I could say something else I just said short and plain: “Sorry.”

I could hear him softly yet bitterly and shortly laugh, “No amount of sorry is gonna clean your shit up, Frank,” like I didn’t know that myself.

Before I could again, say something stupid, I replied with: “I know,” besides, my brain was still processing how I missed him, how his voice sounded over the phone and imagining his face while he spoke, so it wasn’t that difficult. It wasn’t going that bad at all.

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know what else I should say.” Okay good, don’t lose concertation, Frank, and end the call.

“What about how do you feel about me? Truly, Frank.”

I couldn’t stop myself. My whole body was yelling at me, to do something, to get him back to me, to have him love me again.

“I miss you.” Oh shit.

Just when I realized I did a horrible mistake, once again, I heard short and sharp breath, “3 o’clock, my house.”

And with that, he hung up. I froze. What have I done?

Notes

I'm back! I graduated and I'm free, good feeling btw. I had to take the weekend off just to chill, guys. Anyways, here it is! I hope I catched all the errors from my fever time, just tell me if I missed something.

What do you think Frank should do now? Should he visit Gerard? Should he leave him alone?