It started with nothing

So this is what Hell looks like? Cause if yes I don’t want to know what purgatory is like.

Five days of pure suffering in Chicago with my father and Gerard, who is, naturally, my supervisor on this trip as well. First two days it felt like I’m in seventh circle of Hell. The third day I decided to take my fate (and sanity) into my own hands and stop rebelling against Gerard, aka Mr. Asshole, and that meant doing everything he says (and in time), write down everything he says I need to know (and never use it again) and build the strongest emotional barrier that could hold a fucking army if it was about to happen.

The last one was my own choice of course. It wasn’t because Gerard would suddenly stop ‘caring’ (if you could say it that way). Actually he was doing the exact opposite. He was constantly breathing on my neck (sometimes even literally) and I started to have enough. Again.

Partly because it was tiring, but mainly because of Gerard’s unpredictable mood swings. It was just too much. It almost felt like he had this giant battle inside of him, and he couldn’t decide whether he hated me or not. One time he was perfectly okay, smiling and shit, and the other he went nuts and was all pissy. And to be honest, I have my own shit to deal with right now.

So I did that. Yep. A fucking emotional barrier. Like a girl who’s fucking with her best friend. Damn how low I sunk.

I think he sensed it because after a while he switched into a polite-adult mood, which was completely cold and all business. It was better this way. He could concentrate on his work, and I could do the same.

My emotional barrier was very useful in very particular times - especially when my father decided to join us for dinner. And boy it was pretty awkward. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t have the barrier. Seriously.

Other than that, everything went quite well. My broken arm was better, so were my ribs, and I didn’t have any visible bruises anymore, only a bit of yellow bruise on my arm, but it wasn’t swollen anymore so I guess it was healing well.

‘So, Frank, how is your education here doing?’ My father asked. I felt strong urge to huff in response.

‘I think it’s quite good, thank you.’ My father turned to Gerard and raised an eyebrow.

‘Is that true?’ He asked. No it’s fucking not true, everything is shit, I don’t want to be here any minute longer, I hate everything I have to do here, but I have to, so I perform… oh and also I had a very short half-thing affair with your friend-slash-business partner. Fucking peachy.

‘Well, Frank is making noticeable improvements. That of course, cannot be said for his behavior.’ Fucking jerk.

‘What do hear, Frank? Do you care to explain?’

Okay that’s it. FUCK YOU! I stood up and excused myself with very poisoned ‘No, and if you excuse me I have to work on my behavior, and also make some notes for the business meeting you’re dragging me into. And also get some sleep, so my behavior isn’t even worse.’ They both stared at me in awe. Well I guess I took them by surprise. I knew that this kind of thing said in front of my father would normally serve me genuine beating. But he wouldn’t dare to do it here.
I stormed out of the hotel restaurant and headed upstairs to my room. It was in 20th floor, which was, luckily for me, pretty far away from my father’s. He was staying in some bigass fancy suite close to the roof. He didn’t bother book something like that for me, so I had quite normal room.

Unfortunately, it was quite close to Gerard’s. Well basically, it was right next door.

Elevator doors opened letting me in fancy hallway leading to my less than fancy room. Slowly, I walked to my room, passing by at least 20 other doors. Just when I was halfway through my way, the fire door opened revealing red and sweaty Gerard. Holy shit. He must have run all of 20 floors to catch me in time.

I immediately sped up, almost running to my door. Gerard shouted my name and some profanities to stop me. Didn’t help though. So he shouted more profanities. I was quite running out of time, Gerard was fast runner which took me by surprise, he didn’t look like one. As if it wasn’t enough, my key fell to the ground, as I desperately tried to unlock the door. Shit.

‘Frank, for fucks sake!’ Jesus Christ! Fucking key!

I finally managed to open my door just in time as Gerard was few meters away from me. I quickly stepped in and tried to shut the door, but of course, Gerard already made it to the door and pushed it the other way. It was pretty much lost fight, he was stronger than me. I almost fell to the floor as he pushed past me and pinned me to the, now, closed doors.

And it started all over again.

He kissed me hard. His hands in my hair, roughly tugging them. His tongue in my mouth fighting for dominance. Shit.

I desperately tried to break away from him. I was instantly pushing him away from me, but he was too close, he was so close you’d think he was glued to my body.

After a while I started to panic. It was obvious he wasn’t about to stop. Even though I didn’t want him and my ‘fucking stop it’ signs were ignored. He kept attacking my mouth as hard as from the start, maybe even more harder, and he was still glued to my body.

I wanted to get the fuck out of his grip, but I didn’t know how… and then I took a chance and bit his lip. Hard.

Gerard jumped away from me, a hand pressed to his mouth, and hurt expression.

‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!’ I yelled. I was fucking livid. In heat of the moment, I slapped him and he stumbled a little, almost tripping over his feet.

‘Frank what the fuck?!’ Gerard hissed angrily.

‘I’m fucking asking you what the fuck!’ I shouted again. ‘What the fuck was that? I literally almost lost it there! I think I made it clear that I wanted you to stop! What the fuck you were about to do, huh?! Fucking rape me?! Well I’ve got some good news for you! You’re lucky that you got away only with a bite and slap across your fucking face!’ Uh, my lungs and my throat.

‘I… FUCK FRANK!’ Gerard shouted, temporally scaring the shit out of me. He kicked the side of my bed and shortly after that, he jumped in the air, shouting out of pain.
‘Nice. Did that help you?’ I asked him bitterly. Gerard just sighed and sat on my bed, putting his head to his hands.

‘Frank,’ He almost whispered. ‘I… shit I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.’

‘Keep that to yourself. I don’t fucking care about your pathetic apologies.’ I hissed looking at Gerard with endless envy.

‘But I really am.’ Gerard finally raised his head up, looking at me with watery eyes.

‘As I said before, keep that to yourself!’

‘I swear to God, Frank, I wasn’t going to rape you.’ He said after a minute of heavy silence.

‘Don’t you fucking swear me a thing here, Gerard! And God has nothing to do with this! So could you please stop dragging him into it?!’

‘Frank,’ Gerard sighed and closed his eyes. ‘It was just a phrase. Please stop shouting.’ But well, that made me even more angry.

‘Don’t you dare saying to me what I should and should not do!’ I yelled at him. Gerard winced a bit.

‘Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please!’ He pleaded.

Calm yourself Frank, deep breathes. Breathe.

‘So what exactly were you about to do, if you weren’t about to rape me, then?!’ I hissed. Luckily I calmed down a bit.

‘I don’t know. I really fucking don’t know.’

‘Well that’s just brilliant answer, thank you.’ I scoffed bitterly.

He sighed again, running his hand across his face up to his hair.

‘I’m sorry! Okay?! I am! It’s just, ah,’ He sighed once more, trying to find his words. ‘You haven’t look at me properly in days. You don’t even talk to me when you literally don’t have to. It makes me feel like you don’t give a fucking shit. You’re so fucking cold towards me, that if it increased even a little a bit, all water in this fucking city would freeze over!’

Oh, well I didn’t expect that.

‘Gerard, what the hell are you talking about.’ I asked tiredly.

‘I’m saying that, obviously I care about you, but you? Shit, you don’t give a fuck about me.’ Uh, what?

‘Gerard, I remember you told me something a while ago, and you can trust me I remember it well. You made it clear that you don’t care, I believe you used these words,’ I cleared my throat and mimicked quotes ‘Don’t think even for a minute that this meant something.’ Gerard just stared at me for a minute and then sighed… again.

‘Frank, I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just… You’re so confusing.’
I blinked few time in shock. WHAT?!

‘I’m confusing?! I AM CONFUSING?! YOU are fucking confusing! You are confusing me every. Fucking. Time. I. See. You!’ The last words came right through my teeth. ‘It’s like never ending shit story, Gerard! We fight, then make out and then pretend we don’t even know each other! On repeat! I’m not even into guys! Well I certainly wasn’t before you came along. You’re doing all these things and confusing the shit out of me! All this situation is scaring the shit out of me! I don’t know what to do, how to behave, I don’t know what to think! Am I into guys or girls… or both? I don’t fucking know! I’m trying to get myself together and then there is you, and school, and my family, and this fucking work I have to learn to do and on top of all – your daughter! And everything is going to shit!

I didn’t even realize I paced around the room till I stopped walking. I turned to Gerard again.

He was looking at me with sympathy, understanding and some kind of sorrow in his eyes.

‘You’re scared?’ Gerard asked gently. I sighed.

‘Yes, I am. Very scared … and very confused.’ He nodded, looking to the ground. Then he stood up and walked slowly to me, soon wrapping his arms around my body, cuddling me in.

‘I’m sorry.’ He said. I just hummed in response, hugging him close. That’s what I ever wanted, that’s what I needed. Just a hug. And somebody to care for me.

‘I understand you, Frankie, I do. It is difficult to think this through, especially when you’re so young.’

‘I’m not that young.’ I murmured. I could feel Gerard smile against my shoulder.

We were standing there for a while. Just hugging each other. Well, Gerard was hugging me, I was practically lying on him. Not that he minded anyway.

‘You know, I don’t want to scare you, or even push you or I don’t know, anything bad, but… there is a quick solution. You know? A quick move which could help you sort the things in your head out.’ Gerard said.

‘Hmmm? What do you mean?’ I looked him in the eyes. They were still kind, no sign of mood swing anytime soon. He smiled slightly and chuckled a little bit. And then it occurred it me. Oh.

Notes

Uuuh, sorry I know it's almost a month since last update. Anyway, this chapter is pretty long so I hope it will make it up for it ;)

Oh and my quotes key isn't working right now so sorry for this poor substitute.