Chasing the Sun

Time was a concept that disappeared from Lilly’s mind. The crushing weight of Gerard’s betrayal left her feeling a little cold, and certainly not numb enough to completely stop the pain. She wondered how long he had been in contact with Jessica for, if he would leave to go back to America now that they were on speaking terms again. He had been honest with her at her insistence about how important Jessica had been to him. Underneath the pain and anger he probably still loved her. She had been everything to him and Lilly wasn’t stupid enough to believe that those feelings would disappear just because she was now in the picture. In his own words she was nothing but a distraction. She could try to convince herself otherwise, but Lilly knew deep down that it wasn’t going to last. Her feelings ran deeper than his; that wasn’t his fault. He had never made any promises to her, never told her that he loved her or wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He had big dreams and Lilly was aware that she wasn’t a part of those, as much as she wished she was. She was torturing herself by continuing to go along with the fantasy in her head. Whenever she felt the least bit secure in her place in his life something like this would happen to remind her that she was nothing to him, not in the grand scheme of things. She wanted to let go of her insecurity and neurosis but that could only last for so long. She earlier resolve to just stay and enjoy the ride while it lasted kept on yo-yoing. Perhaps this was a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be.

‘Exactly hun. Just cut your losses now and run. Get a couple of tubs of Ben and Jerry’s and you’ll be fine in no time.’ Inner Voice interjected, making her thoughts known.

“Lilly, are you okay?” Gerard’s voice slithered in from the other side of the door.

“I’m fine” Lilly responded far too quickly, which would have given her away if her teary voice didn’t twig Gerard’s attention.

There was an uneasy pause before Gerard responded.

“Are you sure? You’ve been in here for over half an hour.”

Lilly pulled her hair, suppressing her urge to scream. She wanted him to go. Every part of her being just wanted him out of her apartment and out of her life before he caused her even more pain. How could he stand on the other side of the door and sound so concerned about how she was and if she was okay when in fact he probably didn’t care.

“Is this about the message Jessica sent me?”

Lilly let out an audible gasp, not expecting Gerard to put the obvious two and two together. She bit her lip not wanting to give him the satisfaction he’d no doubt feel at the confirmation. His ego would love the idea of her pining over him, or crying and begging for him to stay with her and ignore the love of his life. Perhaps he’d try the more suave route and try to convince it that nothing was happening so that he could keep her around until he decided to leave. He probably believed she was pathetic enough to fall for the excuse which wasn’t his fault when she realised how she had let him get away with everything else. The frequent absenteeism for days at a time was ignored now and he came and went in her life as he pleased. She had encouraged the behaviour by letting it go and now she was paying for it.

‘I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. Now look where it got you!’ Inner Voice interrupted unhelpfully.

“Lilly I haven’t been in contact with Jessica. This is the first time she’s messaged me since I left the states…Lilly don’t be like this. Will you come out so we can talk about this?”

“Fine. Just give me a minute.”

Lilly took a look in the mirror, immediately horrified at the red eyes, blotchy skinned reflection. She grimaced in displeasure and sought to rectify some of the damage with cold water. The red changed to a pink tinge which faded when she applied some concealer. It was the best she could do without more makeup so she held her head high and stepped out of the bathroom. She didn’t want to be the meek and teary. She was going to talk to him without getting overly emotional. The thought went out of her head when she saw Gerard waiting beside the door looking concerned and adorable with sad eyes.

“I haven’t been in contact with her Lilly, I promise. Here” he handed her his phone in an act of total honesty. He had nothing to hide and had done nothing to warrant Lilly’s mistrust and yet, she had locked herself away to cry because she was so willing to think the worst of him. His eyes were pleading for her to believe him and in that moment she did. She trusted that he was telling the truth. She didn’t need to read his messages to know the truth. Whether he was talking to Jessica or not wasn’t the problem. His lack of communication with Jessica wouldn’t ease the root of her anxiety.

“I believe you.”

Gerard had been gearing himself up for a dramatic scene judging by his tensed shoulders which relaxed when his phone was handed back to him.

“That doesn’t mean anything though Gerard. Not if you still love her.”

Gerard’s was blindsided by the unexpected turn in conversation. Lilly had sprung a topic that neither was prepared for but, she knew it was one that would happen sooner or later. Gerard opened his mouth to respond but closed it quickly when no words came out. He took a deep breath to collect himself under Lilly’s waiting gaze. As unfair as it was to put him on the spot it was also the best way to get the honest answer out of him.

“Is that your way of asking if I’m still in love with her?”

“I suppose it is.”

She waited for the confirmation that would crush her heart with unflinching eyes, her green orbs watching every awkward move Gerard made. His hazel eyes never faltered in meeting her stare even as they narrowed at the accusation being thrown at him.

“No, I don’t. Not anymore. I loved her for a long time, but she broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven’t looked back since, especially since I met you. You’re the only person I think about anymore, you’re the only person I want to be with, not that you see that of course. You’re so busy focusing on my past and to realise that I’m fucking crazy about you. You’re waiting for me to disappoint you and eventually it’s going to happen no matter how much I love you.”

‘Okay…I did not see that coming’

Gerard expression was as shocked as Lilly’s. The words were unplanned, unrehearsed and from the heart. Lilly could see that plainly in front of her now.

“Did you just say-“

“That I love you? Yeah I did and before you ask if I mean it, I do.”

Gerard stood calmly while Lilly processed the words she had longed to hear. She wanted to say the words back but, she knew only sobs would come out if she tried to speak. Instead she pressed her lips to his, desperate to show him just how much he meant to her. In a flash he had her pinned against the wall, escalating the kiss with roaming hands that tugged her skirt. His lips attached to her neck, sucking on her pale flesh before biting down lightly. Her moan encouraged him to take things further, earning a gasp from Lilly when his hand went inside her underwear. Her pleas for more were answered when he bunched her skirt around her waist, his fingers quickly hooking around the elastic of her underwear and pushing them down her legs for her to step out of them. It was all the prompting Lilly needed to undo the buckle of his belt and unzip his jeans, freeing him from the tight confines of the black denim. His hands gripped the back of her thighs, raising her legs off the ground and entering her swiftly. It was rushed, unromantic but desperately needed. His thrusts were hard and fast ensuring neither of them lasted long before they found their release in quick succession. They were a panting mess when it was finished, clinging to each other fervently in the aftermath.

“No more doubts, okay?” Gerard asked breathlessly in between planting light kisses on Lilly’s lips.

“No more doubts. I promise.”

Notes

I offer this as a Valentines gift.

We all deserve a little smut on Valentines.

I hope you enjoy!

Lyra

P.S, check out my new story Somebody That I Used To Know. Go on, you know you want to.