The smell of alcohol, and cigarette smoke consumes the already foul smelling air. I stuff my hand into my tattered coat pocket pulling out yet another cigarette, I place the death stick in between my lips and prepare to light it.

A sense of relief washes over me as I take a long drag of my cigarette, smoke envelops the air around me.

Today is the day, Frankie, don’t break your promise.

I sigh knowing that today is the day I kill myself, once and for all. I have nothing to live for anymore, I’m going to hell anyway so might as well start burning now instead of later. I deserve it for what I’ve done.

Exactly one year ago to this day, I was driving, recklessly, I was fucking drunk as can be, not to mention a tad stoned. I was fucking stupid, still am. While making my way home after a party, hence being drunk and stoned, a little boy no older than 5 suddenly darted into the middle of the road presumably trying to fetch a ball that had rolled out unto the road.

It was too late, I was driving too fast, I was too intoxicated to react faster, I hit him.

I killed an innocent child because of my reckless behavior.

I learned later after the hospital, after witnessing his parents cry and curse at me, his father even punched me but I took it. I didn’t fight back, I knew I deserved it and more. All I could say was sorry to the boy’s parents. I kept repeating it over and over again until the word itself lost its impact and meaning.

Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.

I never forgave myself, especially after learning that the supposed ‘road’ I was driving on was actually the sidewalk in which Ryan Jacobs, the boy, was playing on. I ended his life before it even began. I went to his funeral which probably wasn’t the best thing for me, I begged for the family’s forgiveness and they reluctantly gave it to me. Most likely so I would just leave them alone.

I take another long drag of my cigarette as I look at the polluted river which will be my final resting place. Tears start to fall, leaving the telltale streak of sorrow in its wake. I remember his casket being lowered into the earth, his mother sobbing, and Ryan’s older sister glaring at me as her silent tears fell onto the ground. Her stare has haunted me. I’ve seen it when I’m awake, I’ve seen it in my nightmares, and I’ll see it when I’m dead and rotting.

A steady rain begins to fall from the gray skies, drenching me. “Shit!” I curse when my cigarette is put out due to the rain.

This is it, I’m really going to do it.

I think as I climbed over the rusted railing guarding the abandoned bridge which I will jump from. The metal is slippery and cold, but I manage to get over it. I am now standing on only a tiny ledge.

Thunder and a flash of lighting envelops the skies as more tears begin to drop, flowing like a waterfall of regret and sorrow. I spread my arms out, preparing to jump, to die.

“I’m so sorry, Ryan!” I scream filling the air with my helpless pleads. Suddenly, I lose my footing and slip, causing me to fall.

A piercing scream of terror erupts from my throat. No wait! I don’t want to die! It’s too late as my body collides with the raging water. My vision fades to black.

Notes

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