3 : 28

3: 28
Frerard

___



Gerard could smell cleaner and lemon in the crisp air, he opened his eyes, squinting as the synthetic light struck his eyes and hurt them. He blinked back the tears that formed on his tear ducts, he brought up his right hand to stop the light from blinding him, he noticed the IV’s in his hand and arm—everything in him was heavy and painful.

“Where am I…?” Gerard mumbled out confused.

“You’re in the hospital because you refuse to admit you’re not as strong as you act.” The familiar voice filtered through Gerard’s drug induced state. It was Mikey, his brother.

Gerard placed his arm down to rest beside him, “What… What happened?”

Mikey shook his head, “You gave the family a real scare, Gerard.”

Before Gerard could rebuttal, the specialist Gerard had been seeing for months entered the room, “Gerard Way, it’s good to see you’re awake.”

Two nurses appeared behind him and Gerard slowly nodded his head—he was very confused as to what was going on, “Why… Why am I here?”

“You have been on a ventilator for the last week in a state of shock… You were in and out of consciousness fighting for your life, the tumor in your chest reached an exponential size in a short period of time. We had to do emergency surgery to remove the tumor, we are still running tests but your case definitely kept us on our toes….” The doctor explained, “You’re going to be staying two more days until I’m confident the antibiotics and the treatment is successful for you to be released safely. We’ll be keeping you on constant watch for the next 24 hours.”

Gerard stared in shock but nodded, “Okay, thank you.”

Once the doctor and the nurses ran their tests, checking his vitals and Gerard answered their many questions, they left. Gerard stared at his open palms blankly, he had no idea what to do with himself and as to how he ended up in the hospital when in his mind he only recalled seeing Frank. Gerard then forced his eyes to screw up and look at the ceiling, desperately piecing things together.

“… Lymphoma. Why didn’t you tell us it was lymphoma?”

Mikey’s voice cracked at the end, and Gerard felt the weight of guilt press down harder than he had imagined.

Gerard finally spoke, “I… I didn’t want anyone to worry.”

Mikey grabbed Gerard’s right hand, “Gerard, I have never been more worried in my life than the moment I had to receive a phone call telling me my brother is in an ambulance heading to the ER at 4 in the morning… You could have died… We almost lost you for a second, the surgeon was worried…”

Gerard shook his head, “Even if I die, which I will eventually, Mikey… You won’t ever lose me. I promise you that.” Gerard mumbled between his cracked lips.

Mikey sniffled, maintaining his composure as best as possible before breaking completely and sobbing on Gerard’s lap. Gerard watched patiently, allowing his brother to cry and cry, patting his brother’s hair gently. Once Mikey calmed down, Gerard continued, “You’re my brother and I love you.”

Mikey nodded his head, wiping his sorrowful tears away and rubbing his nose before he drew up the courage to hug Gerard.

“Go home, Mikey. You need sleep,” Gerard insisted. Mikey tried to protest but ultimately Gerard won as the sleep depraved bags under Mikey’s eyes proved to be much more convincing in the argument.

Once again, Gerard found himself alone and very confused, trying to piece together just what the hell had happened to him. He remembered seeing what looked to be Frank at their spot and it positively shocked him, he couldn’t remember the words that came out of man’s mouth. He could only read them before his memory became blank.

Gerard sniffled, his chest hurt but the painkillers helped, being strapped to a bed and IV really bothered him the most. Knowing he couldn’t walk around that much—knowing he was weak.

He questioned his memory of that night in the forest at his and Frank’s spot, wondering if it truly was Frank that he saw or another person entirely. Just who called the ambulance for him? Was it truly Frank? If it was Frank, then did he just call the ambulance because he cared or because he didn’t want that type of guilt on his conscious?

It felt like Gerard had seen a ghost that night, seeing what looked to be Frank really made his gut wrench and his heart twist painfully. Gerard wanted to know if maybe he did see Frank and finally hear the man’s voice and to just touch him again.

Gerard stared at the clock as it kept ticking away it was 3: 26 AM, Gerard sighed. He felt defeated, he had hit a new lower point in his life and now he was recovering, the treatments were working, but he began to wonder if he’d always be in and out of the hospital for treatments?

Gerard felt rejected—ultimately, he felt vacant, alone and completely rejected by Frank.

He wanted to know if the man was real, the man he saw that night was Frank? Did he forgive him for hiding the truth? Would Frank ever accept him or would he ultimately just rely on the memories he had left of the man and eventually become a ghost in his memories. Did Frank ever move on, and if he had, was he happy with them?

Was Frank happier without him?

Gerard felt a hollowed emptiness in him he never wanted to feel and the tears spilled out like paint on a canvas—heavy and full of mixed emotions.

Only Gerard could reject himself more than anybody else could.

His face buried into his hands as each breath became painful, he was having a panic attack and it was relentless in its wake. The hiccups, tears, and body shakes didn’t stop until a voice shook him to the core.

“Gerard, please stop crying.”

The voice was in his head, he knew it was his only way to cope. Believing that Frank was here, that he’d return to him and like lovers Helena and Demetrius, they’d ultimately wake from a dream and be lovers who at the beginning were never meant to be.

But in truth, Gerard was Helena, crying over an unrequited love in a delusional dream because fairies weren’t real and dreams never do come true even when you’re awake.

He checked the clock as it ticked away to the time of 3: 28 AM.

-7

Notes

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