I'll Mess Up Everything!

Endless wandering through the crisp air of New Jersey started to take its toll on me as I felt like I could just collapse at any moment. My heart and my mind were at different places at the same time, my heart yearning for my love, to rush back in his arms and to hold him to me as any husband would do for their significant other. But my mind was screaming betrayal, shouting and clawing at my head that he cheated on me at my darkest moment, the hardest part of my life. He wasn't there for me, he was with another woman, a woman for crying out loud. It almost made me feel as if he didn't even like me in the beginning.

My phone began to ring. I almost didn't pick it up, or look at it completely, but when I saw that it was my mothers number, I picked up immediately. I don't want to talk to him.
"H-h-h-h mom." I tried. I could hear the sadness on the other end of the phone. "You know don't you?"
"Of course I know Frankie, I'm upset too, but you can't just stay outside all night, you'll end up destroying yourself."
Oh, that sounds bliss.
"But where do I go mom?! Huh? I'm not going back to him, he's the last thing on my mind right now, I have nowhere to go! I don't even know where I am mom." I confessed. It's the truth, I didn't know where to go and I have never been in this part of the city before somehow. It has bad vibes orientating around it.
"Come home Frankie, come to me, I'll look after you for now." She have in. That actually sounded better than anything right now, I need the soothing words of my mother and to feel some form of comfort.
"Okay mom, how do I get home though?" I asked. I still don't know where the fuck I am.
"I think I have mobile tracking on my phone, I can find where you are and pick you up, see you in a bit darling." She finished before hanging up in a hurry, it's nice to know that some people care.

True to her word, she arrived in under ten minutes and her old, beaten up car chugged in front of me.
"Come on you, you look terrible." She said.
"Thanks mom!" I said half-sarcastically, but enough to know that I was thankful.
Throughout the duration of the journey, not much was said. We sat there in a sort of awkward silence, neither of us dared to say a word, even though we both wanted to.
Home, the place I have grown up in and I can predict that I will stay here for a little bit longer. Finally, she said something.
"Your room hasn't been touched, it's all the same as you left it."
"Thanks mom, really I mean it, you don't understand how grateful I am right now." I said as I added a warm hug, of which she replied without hesitation.
"We can talk in the morning, you look so cold, get yourself upstairs, get some more clothes on and chill out, yeah?"
I replied only with a sad smile and did as she told, which made me feel like I was a teenager again. Oh well.

She wasn't lying, my room was exactly the same, the bed, the bed sheet which has been cleaned and placed with gentle hands as the bed looked perfectly clean, Jesus, even the posters that she threatened to take down on many occasions were still there! I smiled in reconciliation. But what really did make me smile, was the guitar sitting perfectly on my old guitar stand, complete with a capo and plectrum that sat beside it. My hands subconsciously wandered over to it and grabbed it by the neck of it. Familiarity hit me and, immediately, I picked up the plectrum and strummed.

The tune, disorientated, sad, full of regret and betrayal.
Oh how much better it would sound with Mikey's base, Ray's amazing guitar skills and Gerard's gorgeous voice that always made me smile, no matter what. He always had the voice of an angel, in my opinion, something heavenly. The way he can hit the high notes yet expertly and correctly hit the lower, soft notes to bring the song back together. He is a genius. I miss the old times, of just us all making music, of the time where we were all just discovering out place in the music business and, most importantly, in each other's hearts.
The song I was playing, it had no words, no real rhythm and no organisation, but yet you could still feel what the song means. Love, yet not loving someone as much as you may have once done, knowing that you shouldn't care about that person but you still have to, as you really do care deep inside.
I played and played until I got the feel of the song and awaited the darkness of sleep to engulf me once more and end this god-awful day.

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