Drums Of The City Rain
Chapter 6
TW// self harm, weight, eating disorder
I began panicking but somehow managed to force it aside. He’d only fainted, calm down Gerard. I thought back to some stuff I’d heard on fainting. You gotta lay the person down and raise their feet so the blood rushes to their head and heart. If they don’t wake up in 3mins call 999. Okay got it. I glanced at the clock, 00:54am. Gently, I picked up my brothers small flaccid frame and far too easily carried him in my arms to the bed. His breathing seemed steady, which was reassuring. I took his pillows out from underneath his mousy blonde hair and propped his feet up. Now we wait. 00:55am. I began worrying, what if something was seriously wrong? What if Mikey needed to be hospitalized? I needed him around, more than I’d like to admit. What about our parents? How would they react to all this? Would they care? I looked down at him again his eyes sunken and shut, his skin dry and pale and his hair thin. Gulping, I realised the condition I’d let him get in. 00:56. Come on wake the fuck up. I did not want to have to call an ambulance, my heart began racing at the thought. What if there was something seriously wrong? What if he was in a coma? What if he was having a heart attack right there? What if the lack of food was giving him brain damage or something? What if… What if he never wo-
“G- Gerard?”
I breathed a sigh of relief and immediately all my worries melted into thin air. “You okay mikey?” I asked, stupidly considering he had just passed out he’s not exactly on top of the world. He nodded in response, seeming pretty dazed. “Here let me get you some water” I whispered. “Stay there” Tentatively I crept downstairs, terrified he would pass out again or my parents would wake up or both. I left the water running for a few moments to get it nice and cool and took the opportunity to think about the situation. Something needed to change and more urgently than ever before. My parents were tearing my brother to shreds before my eyes and we needed to get out. But would that even be safe? Mikey needed medical attention, he was so dangerously malnourished. I needed to get him better then I needed to get him out of here before he hurts himself anymore. But that was practically impossible, we were trapped.
Grabbing a cereal bar for him (I could hope), I went back upstairs and cautiously pushed my brother’s door open. He was laying in the same position as I left him with his eyes closed. To my relief however they flicked open at the sound of the door opening. I smiled and put the water on the table, for a moment we sat awkwardly before he propped himself up on one elbow. I passed him the glass of water while slowly trying to form a suitable sentence for the situation in my head.
“Mikey… I brought you a cereal bar but don’t worry I don’t expect you’ll eat it” I mumbled, it coming out so much more negative than I intended.
“Thanks but i don’t know if um like i…” he murmured, trailing off. We sat in silence and I watched his eyes flick towards the cereal bar every few seconds, I knew he ached for it. I needed to get him to eat it.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Like shit to be honest” He muttered.
“You don’t have to feel this way, you don’t have to do this” I whispered. He didn’t say anything but didn’t seem to be too negative so I hoped I’d said the right thing. I yawned, I needed to get some sleep. “I’m here for you okay I always will be, I love you so fucking much” I reassured, brushing my hand across his upper arm pretty awkwardly. “Now lets get some sleep” I murmured. He smiled. “I’ll leave this here” I said patting the cereal bar on the bed side table. “Night” I whispered as I left.
“Night Gerard” my brother replied.
I slept surprisingly soundly that night, apart from once when I woke up needing the toilet. I also took the opportunity to look in on Mikey and smiled as I saw nothing but an empty wrapper next to him.
***
The next week or so was spent by Mikey’s side pretty much every second. He was eating. A bit. I estimated he was averaging about 500calories a day which is so little but twice as much as he had been eating before. I think him fainting made him realise he was ill even if he was too afraid to admit it. We were still stuck living in a shitty house being fucking abused. Mikey took another few hits to the face and I had all manner of profanities and insult’s spat at me but we got into the routine of drawing together if our parents were in a mood. Lucky because some of the things they said to my brother were seriously damaging and were the reason he was slowly killing himself. I think he knew I was there for him though, we were in that shit together. But that’s the thing, we both needed out that shit. I began making firm plans to run away but my brother needed to get healthy first. It wasn’t a case of if, it was a case of when.
***
One 4am, another nightmare was interrupted by my brother. I woke up to bony hands squeezing my shoulders, calling my name.
“Hell- What are you- Mikey? Are- Are you okay?” I slurred semi-conscious as my eyes fluttered opened revealing my brothers distressed face. He didn’t say anything and my heart started pounding.
“Shh, it’s okay” I breathed breaking the silence.
“Can I w- weigh myself?” He asked timidly.
“It’s 4am” I mumbled.
He looked away slightly embarrassed. “The stuff isn’t in your drawer” He muttered, brushing my statement aside.
“I put it down the side of my bed” slipped from my mouth and I mentally kicked myself. Immediately, my brother leaped over me and grabbed the scales. I was absolutely exhausted, dozing off as I spoke so stupidly I didn’t object, just watched as he stepped on the scales in the middle of the room lit by streetlights outside my window in a thin loose tee and boxers. He frowned for a moment, struggling to read the number in the dim light before freezing.
“I- I-I’m 95lb” He stuttered. That’s 3lb he gained. That was good, I had decided that I would get him to 110lb and then we’d run. A smiled danced across my lips at the thought but it soon disappeared when I saw the anguish written across his.
“Well done” I whispered. He looked at me confused for a moment before tensing.
“Well done!? Well fucking done!?” he spat. “Look at me! You think this deserves a well done? You disgust me!”
I gulped, taken aback and didn’t say anything while he stood there shaking. Suddenly he dived back down the side of the bed and I caught a familiar glint of silver. He sat on my bed and I knew exactly what he had in his hand ((A.N. THIS NEXT SENTENCE IS SOSOSO TRIGGERING I AM LITERALLY SHAKING WRITING IT)) I watched as he held the blade up to his skinny wrist, I tried forcing words out but nothing but silence left my lips as my eyes filled with tears. He slowly pressed down and I watched the skin dip.((A.N. SUPER MEGA INTENSE TRIGGERING SENTENCE OVER BASICALLY MIKEY ALMOST SELF HARMS RIGHT THERE))
“Stop!” I cried. I don’t know how that sound managed to leave me, I couldn’t say anything else, I was completely choked up. Mikey paused and looked up at me and I felt a pang in my chest at how much hurt was in his eyes. Without thinking, I threw myself forward onto him, almost crushing him and wrapped my arms round his neck, clinging on for dear life. I felt his thin arms wrap around me and in unision we both burst into tears. I normally hated losing my composure in front of Mikey, I needed to be strong for him but in the moment neither of us had any control over ourselves. We sobbed into eachothers shoulders for what seemed like an age, our breath hitching and i feared I would never be able to stop crying, until I became aware of the fact thin rays of sunlight piercing through the room. Slowly, the tears fell less heavily and I began to breathe more steadily.
“Mikey, I love you so much” I breathed pulling away. He looked at me thankfully. “Like I said I’m here for you, but please never scare me like that again”
“Sorry” he whispered, averting my gaze.
“Don’t be sorry” I reassured. I hugged him again, kissing him on the head and he yawned as we pulled away. “Hey you should get some sleep” I said before shuffling under the covers and patting the bed beside me. He crawled beside me and I pulled him into my arms, tucking him in.
“Night” he whispered, as we lay curled up together.
“Night” I replied.
We lay still for a few minutes but neither of us seemed to relax.
“Can’t sleep?” I muttered.
“Yea” He mumbled.
I thought for a few moment, maybe I should sing a little lullaby. Okay, the music I write when I’m depressed late at night doesn’t really count as a lullaby but hopefully it’d have the same effects. I thought back to some lyrics I’d written down a few days ago.
“And through it all” I sung under my breath “How could you cry for me?”
“Cause I don’t feel bad about it,
So shut your eyes” I continued.
“Kiss me goodbye” I said that line a little quieter. He wouldn’t be kissing me goodbye anytime soon.
“And sleep” I breathed, noticing his breathing was evening out.
“Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep” I sung. I looked down at my brother, his eyes were shut and his breathing slow. Relaxing, I shut my eyes and before I knew it sleep engulfed me.
I began panicking but somehow managed to force it aside. He’d only fainted, calm down Gerard. I thought back to some stuff I’d heard on fainting. You gotta lay the person down and raise their feet so the blood rushes to their head and heart. If they don’t wake up in 3mins call 999. Okay got it. I glanced at the clock, 00:54am. Gently, I picked up my brothers small flaccid frame and far too easily carried him in my arms to the bed. His breathing seemed steady, which was reassuring. I took his pillows out from underneath his mousy blonde hair and propped his feet up. Now we wait. 00:55am. I began worrying, what if something was seriously wrong? What if Mikey needed to be hospitalized? I needed him around, more than I’d like to admit. What about our parents? How would they react to all this? Would they care? I looked down at him again his eyes sunken and shut, his skin dry and pale and his hair thin. Gulping, I realised the condition I’d let him get in. 00:56. Come on wake the fuck up. I did not want to have to call an ambulance, my heart began racing at the thought. What if there was something seriously wrong? What if he was in a coma? What if he was having a heart attack right there? What if the lack of food was giving him brain damage or something? What if… What if he never wo-
“G- Gerard?”
I breathed a sigh of relief and immediately all my worries melted into thin air. “You okay mikey?” I asked, stupidly considering he had just passed out he’s not exactly on top of the world. He nodded in response, seeming pretty dazed. “Here let me get you some water” I whispered. “Stay there” Tentatively I crept downstairs, terrified he would pass out again or my parents would wake up or both. I left the water running for a few moments to get it nice and cool and took the opportunity to think about the situation. Something needed to change and more urgently than ever before. My parents were tearing my brother to shreds before my eyes and we needed to get out. But would that even be safe? Mikey needed medical attention, he was so dangerously malnourished. I needed to get him better then I needed to get him out of here before he hurts himself anymore. But that was practically impossible, we were trapped.
Grabbing a cereal bar for him (I could hope), I went back upstairs and cautiously pushed my brother’s door open. He was laying in the same position as I left him with his eyes closed. To my relief however they flicked open at the sound of the door opening. I smiled and put the water on the table, for a moment we sat awkwardly before he propped himself up on one elbow. I passed him the glass of water while slowly trying to form a suitable sentence for the situation in my head.
“Mikey… I brought you a cereal bar but don’t worry I don’t expect you’ll eat it” I mumbled, it coming out so much more negative than I intended.
“Thanks but i don’t know if um like i…” he murmured, trailing off. We sat in silence and I watched his eyes flick towards the cereal bar every few seconds, I knew he ached for it. I needed to get him to eat it.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Like shit to be honest” He muttered.
“You don’t have to feel this way, you don’t have to do this” I whispered. He didn’t say anything but didn’t seem to be too negative so I hoped I’d said the right thing. I yawned, I needed to get some sleep. “I’m here for you okay I always will be, I love you so fucking much” I reassured, brushing my hand across his upper arm pretty awkwardly. “Now lets get some sleep” I murmured. He smiled. “I’ll leave this here” I said patting the cereal bar on the bed side table. “Night” I whispered as I left.
“Night Gerard” my brother replied.
I slept surprisingly soundly that night, apart from once when I woke up needing the toilet. I also took the opportunity to look in on Mikey and smiled as I saw nothing but an empty wrapper next to him.
***
The next week or so was spent by Mikey’s side pretty much every second. He was eating. A bit. I estimated he was averaging about 500calories a day which is so little but twice as much as he had been eating before. I think him fainting made him realise he was ill even if he was too afraid to admit it. We were still stuck living in a shitty house being fucking abused. Mikey took another few hits to the face and I had all manner of profanities and insult’s spat at me but we got into the routine of drawing together if our parents were in a mood. Lucky because some of the things they said to my brother were seriously damaging and were the reason he was slowly killing himself. I think he knew I was there for him though, we were in that shit together. But that’s the thing, we both needed out that shit. I began making firm plans to run away but my brother needed to get healthy first. It wasn’t a case of if, it was a case of when.
***
One 4am, another nightmare was interrupted by my brother. I woke up to bony hands squeezing my shoulders, calling my name.
“Hell- What are you- Mikey? Are- Are you okay?” I slurred semi-conscious as my eyes fluttered opened revealing my brothers distressed face. He didn’t say anything and my heart started pounding.
“Shh, it’s okay” I breathed breaking the silence.
“Can I w- weigh myself?” He asked timidly.
“It’s 4am” I mumbled.
He looked away slightly embarrassed. “The stuff isn’t in your drawer” He muttered, brushing my statement aside.
“I put it down the side of my bed” slipped from my mouth and I mentally kicked myself. Immediately, my brother leaped over me and grabbed the scales. I was absolutely exhausted, dozing off as I spoke so stupidly I didn’t object, just watched as he stepped on the scales in the middle of the room lit by streetlights outside my window in a thin loose tee and boxers. He frowned for a moment, struggling to read the number in the dim light before freezing.
“I- I-I’m 95lb” He stuttered. That’s 3lb he gained. That was good, I had decided that I would get him to 110lb and then we’d run. A smiled danced across my lips at the thought but it soon disappeared when I saw the anguish written across his.
“Well done” I whispered. He looked at me confused for a moment before tensing.
“Well done!? Well fucking done!?” he spat. “Look at me! You think this deserves a well done? You disgust me!”
I gulped, taken aback and didn’t say anything while he stood there shaking. Suddenly he dived back down the side of the bed and I caught a familiar glint of silver. He sat on my bed and I knew exactly what he had in his hand ((A.N. THIS NEXT SENTENCE IS SOSOSO TRIGGERING I AM LITERALLY SHAKING WRITING IT)) I watched as he held the blade up to his skinny wrist, I tried forcing words out but nothing but silence left my lips as my eyes filled with tears. He slowly pressed down and I watched the skin dip.((A.N. SUPER MEGA INTENSE TRIGGERING SENTENCE OVER BASICALLY MIKEY ALMOST SELF HARMS RIGHT THERE))
“Stop!” I cried. I don’t know how that sound managed to leave me, I couldn’t say anything else, I was completely choked up. Mikey paused and looked up at me and I felt a pang in my chest at how much hurt was in his eyes. Without thinking, I threw myself forward onto him, almost crushing him and wrapped my arms round his neck, clinging on for dear life. I felt his thin arms wrap around me and in unision we both burst into tears. I normally hated losing my composure in front of Mikey, I needed to be strong for him but in the moment neither of us had any control over ourselves. We sobbed into eachothers shoulders for what seemed like an age, our breath hitching and i feared I would never be able to stop crying, until I became aware of the fact thin rays of sunlight piercing through the room. Slowly, the tears fell less heavily and I began to breathe more steadily.
“Mikey, I love you so much” I breathed pulling away. He looked at me thankfully. “Like I said I’m here for you, but please never scare me like that again”
“Sorry” he whispered, averting my gaze.
“Don’t be sorry” I reassured. I hugged him again, kissing him on the head and he yawned as we pulled away. “Hey you should get some sleep” I said before shuffling under the covers and patting the bed beside me. He crawled beside me and I pulled him into my arms, tucking him in.
“Night” he whispered, as we lay curled up together.
“Night” I replied.
We lay still for a few minutes but neither of us seemed to relax.
“Can’t sleep?” I muttered.
“Yea” He mumbled.
I thought for a few moment, maybe I should sing a little lullaby. Okay, the music I write when I’m depressed late at night doesn’t really count as a lullaby but hopefully it’d have the same effects. I thought back to some lyrics I’d written down a few days ago.
“And through it all” I sung under my breath “How could you cry for me?”
“Cause I don’t feel bad about it,
So shut your eyes” I continued.
“Kiss me goodbye” I said that line a little quieter. He wouldn’t be kissing me goodbye anytime soon.
“And sleep” I breathed, noticing his breathing was evening out.
“Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep
Just sleep” I sung. I looked down at my brother, his eyes were shut and his breathing slow. Relaxing, I shut my eyes and before I knew it sleep engulfed me.
Notes
Well this was crap. Idk what i intended this chapter to become but this was not it. Next chapter will be happy fluff i promise. I will also update sooner like tomorrow or day after idk. I think i'm dealing with my own current stress by badly torturing innocent fanfiction readers. o deer.
Once again this isnt proofread either so plz be amazing n lemme know my mistakes
Anyways, how are you?
Plz comment n rate n shiz :)
Megan x
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Please come back to this
2/19/16