Maybe This Could Work...

This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you’ve felt heartache. You can’t have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died.
I tried remembering this during the next two months. April was finally here, all the snow had melted and rain puddles were decorating the streets. It got warmer, sunnier and it seemed like the world was awaking in to life again. I tried to do the same and slowly move on with my life. Leave the sad behind and enter in to a world of happiness. It was hard, I admit, and I still haven’t left it all behind, but it was a start, a good start that I was proud of. After all those nightmares, appearing every night, I started panicking, losing my mind, fearing sleep. When I couldn’t sleep or when I woke up from a nightmare, Gerard would sing to me this lullaby, which he named Frankie’s Lullaby, to calm me down. The sound of his soft voice, his gentle touch on my back. It always worked.
One night I realizedthat truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
I spoke the words out loud, facts I needed to except, so I could move on:
“Gina died on 14th of February”
“Her funeral was three days later”
“We were best friends since we were six”
“She had lung cancer”
“There was nothing I could do to help”
“She spent her last moments in the hospital, with her foster family”
The list of facts went on and on, but it helped. I noticed my progress not only because Gerard pointed it out, but because I started to leave certain sentences out, the list growing shorter. I knew if I willed the pain away, sooner or later, life would return to normal.
I learned that one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.
A positive thought and the six ways to deal with pain, hurt and lose:1. Try to give it form and to put it into words. Don’t allow it to be shapeless as that’s harder to resolve.
2. Agree that you will look at it and not ignore the pain - as any unexpressed emotions lead to problems later on.
3. Avoid triggers and memories that take you back in time, and open up old wounds, so you feel the pain again.
4. Ground yourself in the present and who you are today – and remember you have strengths, and good people in your life.
5. Don’t allow the hurt and pain to take control of who you are, or limit what you’ll do, or the goals you set yourself.
6. Spend as much time as possible with those who treat you well – with those who see your worth, and who love and value you.
It’s these things that get me through each day and it’s not always without tears, but as Gerard told me once: “It’s better to let it all out, then to bottle it up and let it eat you on the inside”
I followed his advice for the rest of my life, no matter if he was in my life or not.

From the still cold, wet streets I stepped in to the warm lobby of the hospital. It was swarming with visitors, carrying flowers and stuffed toys, nurses with all kind of charts and doctors walking around in their white coats. I sighed, looking around the brightly lit room and all the people in it, remembering the last time I walked through those doors, not for myself, but for someone else.
“Well, look at you” a familiar voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked to my life, only to find Samantha, the nurse who took care of me while I was in here because of internal bleeding and broken ribs.
“Hey” I weakly smiled to her, tucking my hands in to my jacket pocket.
“You look good” she nodded.
“Yeah, I guess” I shrugged. “So, why are you here then? I hope you haven’t broken more bones” she giggled, tucking a lock of her black hair behind her ear.
“No, I’m just here for a friend” I said.
“That’s nice of you” she smiled. I hadn’t noticed before, but she had a really nice smile and seeing her kind of put me in a better mood.
“Come on, I’ll escort you” she smiled, taking my hand.
“Don’t you have to, you know, work or something?” I asked, letting her drag me to the elevator.
“I was actually on my break” she said, as we waited for the elevator doors to open.
“Oh” I mumbled. The elevator doors opened, with a quiet ding. We entered and I pressed the button for the third floor.
“So, you still with that hot boyfriend of yours?” Sam asked, right before we reached the third floor.
“Mhm” I said, raising my hand and showing her the engagement ring.
“Oh, my God” she gasp, taking a closer look.
“When did this happen?” she asked, a big smile on her face.
“Four months ago” I said, smiling like an idiot myself, remembering that early January morning, when I said yes.
“Oh, wow. Congratulations then”
“Thanks” a light blush covered my cheeks.
We made our way down the left hallway, passing a couple patient rooms, before reaching Dr. Snow’s practice. We sat down in the waiting room, to wait the next fifteen minutes until Mikey would be done and he and Gee would walk out through the door.
Sam and I talked about general things, my school, her work and critically avoiding any conversation about any other aspect of our lives. Soon enough, the door flew open and out came my gorgeous fiancé with Mikey and Dr. Snow right behind him.
“Hey, sweetheart” Gerard smiled, when he saw me. I smiled, right before he planted a quick peck to my lips.
“Been waiting long?” he asked, offering his hand to help me stand up.
“Not really” I mumbled.
“Nice to see you again, Sam” Gerard said to Sam, as he entwined our fingers together, his way of saying I am his and only his. Sam just smiled in returned, before her pager started beeping and she had to leave for an emergency surgery.
We waited until Mikey and the doctor were done discussing future treatments and the possibility of Mikey taking less pills, until we could finally leave the hospital; a place that will probably always feel haunted for me. I didn’t mention these feelings to Gerard, nor Mikey – with whom I had been sharing more of my post grieving emotions, then with Gerard. I just had the feeling, Mikey would understand more, what was going on inside my mind, going through the similar emotions himself.
We made our way outside and in to Gerard’s car, me sitting in the back like always when Mikey was with us, the wavering smell of cigarette smoke leaving the seats. As Gerard turned on the car engine, American Psycho by the Misfits began playing from the radio.
I remained quiet through the drive back home, absentmindedly looking out the window, hearing a word from Gerard or Mikey here, not really knowing what they were talking about. It was at times like this, that doubts about Gerard and I snuck inside my head, telling me we wouldn’t last because of how different we were. But the biggest thing I worried about was our age... I know eight years doesn’t seem like much, but Gerard is gonna be 27 in a week. In three years he’s gonna be 30 and what if by then, he decides to settle down, have a family and decides that it would be better if he does that with someone his age, someone who’ll want that with him. I know that we’re engaged and are supposed to be married and I am far from wanting a family of my own or settling down in that way and I very much doubt I’ll be any more ready in three years.
“Frankie?” Gerard’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked at his reflection in his reir-view mirror. I raised my eyebrows in question, having no idea what he was asking.
“Are you okay?” Gerard ask, slightly frowning.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just deep in thought, that’s all” I said, weakly smiling.
“I was just asking if pizza for dinner is cool with you?” he asked.
“Yeah, pizza sounds fine” I nodded and returned to look out the window.

Upon arriving home, I was the first one out the car and inside the house. Mikey stumbled inside a moment after, immediately followed by Gerard who was carrying some of his teaching supplies and art text books.
“By the way, there was some mail today!” Mikey shouted to me from the hallways, as I made my way in to the kitchen to get a drink of water. I looked at the counter, three letters thrown across it along with the weekly newspaper and a couple of adverts. Already expecting they were all either for Gerard or for Mikey, I only glanced at the addressing names, but something caught my eye; on one of the letters was written: Mr. Frank Iero.
I frowned, picking up the letter and looking towards the hallway, hearing Gee going upstairs and Mikey still struggling with his shoes.
I quickly opened the letter and unfolded it. Only seeing who sent the letter took my breath away and seeing what the letter said, left me in complete shock. I had completely forgotten about this; it was a letter from New York University, to which I applied earlier in the year. I knew I wouldn’t get it, but it was worth a shot; New York wasn’t that far away, the classes seemed okay and I would be able to come home during the weekends and be with Gerard and see Mikey.
But now, here was the answer. I held the answer to my future in my hands. And according to the letter, my future will be in New York City. I got excepted! NYU excepted me!
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I re-read the letter five times just to make sure this was real and that I actually have the opportunity to go to college, to make something of myself!
“Hey, Frankie?” Gerard’s voice echoed from the hallway. I quickly hid the letter and tucked it away in my hoodie pocket.
“Yea, baby?” I lifted my head just as Gerard entered the kitchen. He looked at me, raising his eyebrow.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Mhm, fine” I nodded, making sure he wouldn’t see the letter in my pocket.
“Aha. Well, I just want to know if you wanna do something tonight, like watch a movie or something?”
“Yeah, movie’s fine with me. Just, please none of your old movies” I pleaded.
“Fine” he rolled his eyes at me. Gerard proceed to take the phone, dialling the number of the pizza place we usually eat at. I took this chance to sneak out of the kitchen, running up the stairs in to the bedroom, locking the door behind me. I pulled the letter out my pocket and sat down on the bed, just staring at it, still unable to grasp the concept.
I chose to keep the news from Gerard only because I wanted to tell him at the right time. I didn’t know how he’d react, because even thought New York is only an hour away, we’d still be parted for most of the time and I don’t know how he’d feel about it.
I decided that I’d tell him by the end of the week and in the mean time, the letter will stay hidden in my nightstand drawer, under some school papers. I got up only to unlock the door, but then crashed right back down on the bed, arms and legs spread, a deep side leaving my lungs.
“Maybe there’s still hope for me” I mumbled, the words of the letter not leaving my mind. There was a quiet knock at the door, Gerard’s head peeking from behind it a moment later.
“You know you don’t have to knock, it’s your bedroom” I mumbled, sitting up.
“It’s our bedroom” he said back, sitting down next to me.
I lightly smile, leaning my head down on his shoulder. We sat in silence for a while, just being there together. I started thinking, when was the last time we were intimate with each other that was more than comfort cuddling. Gerard was very respectful through the time I was grieving and getting over Gina’s death and didn’t force anything I didn’t want and even now he stayed careful.
“Gee?”
“Mhm?” he hummed.
“How long has it been?” I asked.
“How long, has what been?” he frowned, looking down at me.
“You, know... Since we last had sex?”
“Ooh...”
“Yeah, oh” I shrugged, looking up at him, his cheeks coloured with a light blush. I lightly leaned in, only softly pecking his lips, before wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing him fully and completely. Gerard cupped my cheeks, nervous and uncertain.
The tried to move back to pull away, but I pulled him closer still, locking our lips in a gentle, sensual kiss. I eagerly slit my tongue across Gerard’s bottom lip and after a second of hesitation he granted me access, opening his mouth and letting my tongue slip inside and entwine with his. I wasn’t really planning on this, but, God, did I want it! Gerard unexpectedly moaned as I deepened the kiss, his hands slipping down my chest and around my hips, holding me tight, both of us fervently wanting more. I pushed Gerard down on the bed, straddling his hips and rubbing myself against him, feeling myself and him getting hard, never breaking the kiss.
Gerard moaned again, louder as he trusted up, grinding against me. A moan escaped my mouth, as Gerard ran his hands down my chest, his hands slipping under my shirt and sliding them back up, removing my shirt at the same time.
I groaned, breaking the kiss and practically ripping Gerard’s shirt off his torso, then immediately returned to kissing the moaning perfection beneath me. The kiss was now sweeter and the fire, we had been missing for the past two month was renewed and all it needed was that momentary separation. Gerard slowly ran his hand up my naked chest, causing my breath to hitch as his fingers reached my nipples, rolling it between them, teasing it out, making the normally soft skin turn hard.
I sighed, breaking the kiss. Panic spread over Gerard’s face, but quickly dismissed it, when he saw the pleasure expressed on my face from his touch. A moment later, Gerard sat upright, his face only an inch away from mine, his hands cupping my face.
“Are you sure, Frankie?” Gerard asked, trying to catch his breath. I could feel his throbbing erection pressing against me.
“Yes, I wanted this for days now” I confessed, whispering it in to his ear, causing shivers to run down his spine and a quiet moan escaping his lips.
“Okay” Gerard whimpered as I began kissing his neck, sucking and nipping at the soft skin. The bedroom filled with moans and whimpers as Gerard regained his confidence, running his warm palms down my torso, circling my belly button a few time before reaching for my belt buckle, roughly tugging on it. Without any further hesitation, Gerard undid my belt, and pulled off my jeans, throwing them on the floor. There was a smile on his face, which only made me smile, knowing he wanted this just as much as I did, maybe even more, considering that he was already completely hard, his bulge rubbing against my ass. I lowered myself just enough, to grind my erection down on Gerard’s, teasing through the fabric of my boxers and his jeans.
“Oh, God, Frankie...” Gerard moaned, his voice low and husky, sending jolts of pleasure over my body and straight to my dick. I wanted to hear him moan even louder, scream out my name, when the pleasurable, ecstatic sensation was interrupted by the door bell; the pizza had arrived. I pulled away from Gerard, glancing at the bedroom door.
“Let Mikey get it” Gerard panted, pulling me back to him and slamming his lips to mine. Gerard began palming me over my boxers, my cock becoming painfully hard, as moans and pleads for more left my mouth.
“You like that Frankie?” Gerard teased, his voice throaty and dripping with desire.
“Yes! Fuck, yes!” I moan out like a cheap slut, as Gerard rolled his hips up.
The moans and groans, mine and his, filling the room – and I’m guessing the entire house – sent delicious tingles down my spine.
I bit down on Gerard’s lower lip, a quiet hiss leaving his mouth, right before he completely took over the dominance of the kiss, his tongue overpowering mine. I reached down to Gerard’s jeans, to which Gerard immediately lifted up his hips, allowing me to remove both his jeans and boxers. Gerard whimpered as his erection sprung free. He didn’t waste any time, grabbing the elastic of my dark blue boxers, pulling them off.
We paused for a moment, just looking at each other’s naked body, our skin already becoming moist from light sweating. The moment didn’t last long, as the animalistic urge took over again, our bodies entwined, rubbing, grinding, panting, our cocks so desperate for attention from the other.
“Gerard...” I hissed, as the friction increased.
“Yeah...?” Gerard whimpered.
“Lube!”
Gerard reached out to his nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out a bottle of lube and handing it to me.
My lips pulled in to a wide grin as I squirted some of the cold substance in to my hands, rubbing it together, to make it somewhat warm, before coating Gerard’s thick cock in it.
“What are yo-“ Gerard moaned from the touch and was cut off by my lowering of my ass over his cock. I yelled out in pleasure, ecstatic to have Gerard inside me, and in pain it caused without prepping.
I took a few seconds, to get used to the size, letting it stretch me out as much as it was possible, before I slowly began to lift myself up, then slamming down. I pulled up and shoved myself back down, burring Gerard’s dick deep inside me as I rode him, like it was our last day on Earth.
“Frank!” Gerard screamed out, losing himself completely in the pleasure.
“Oh, God, Frankie!” Gerard kept on screaming. He dragged his fingers down my back, digging his fingernails deep in to my skin, making me hiss from the pain, which just drove me over the edge and I started pumping myself, only to have my hand swatted by Gerard’s. I looked down at him and he gave me a warning look, not to do that again. But to be completely sure I won’t do it, as I was still riding him, Gerard reached back in to the drawer, pulling out a cock ring.
“No, baby, please...” I whimpered.
“You touched yourself without my permission” he said, panting, then sliding the ring on my cock. I whimpered in discomfort, needing release! Wanting and needing desperately to come, I started riding him faster, slamming down hard.
“Oh, fucking God, Frankie!” Gerard screamed out, cumming inside me. I bounced on his dick a couple more times, before slidding off him, my erection painfully hard.
“Gee, please” I pleaded. Gerard looked at me, coming down from his climax.
“Baby, please touch me!” I moaned, locking eyes with him, slightly pouting.
Gerard grinned, before taking the cock ring off.
“With pleasure” he purred, wrapping his fingers around my length, sliding his thumb across the slit.
“Oh, fuck, Gee” I moaned as Gerard began to pump his hand up and down on my aching dick. It didn’t take long before I screamed out: “Fuck! Gee, I’m gonna-“ my muscles and stomach clenched tight as strings of the white sticky substance covered my stomach and Gerard’s hand.
“Gee...” I pant out.
“Yes?” Gerard asked, smiling as he laid beside me, admiring my post euphoric state and experiencing his own.
“This... Can we do this more often now?” I asked between breaths, trying to calm down.
“I sure hope so” he nodded.
“Good” I grinned, happy to just be lying here with the love of my life; just us.
“We should get cleaned up. Pizza’s probably gone cold and Mikey’s not gonna be happy about all the noises” Gerard said softly, sliding the tip of his finger down my cheek.
“Do we have to? I mean, he already knows. What’s the harm in staying here a little while longer?”
“Frankie, there’s pizza downstairs” Gerard said, completely serious.
“Gee!” I pouted.
“I know, I know” Gerard chuckled: “But I’ll let you pick the movie”
“Fine” I gave in.

When we finally emerged from our bedroom, we headed downstairs, finding Mikey on the couch eating s slice of pizza.
“Hey Mikes, did you leave any for us?” Gerard asked.
“Mhm, I kinda lost my appetite from all the noise” he said accusingly, and I could feel a bright blush spreading through my face. Gerard just laughed.
Mikey barely spoke to us the whole evening, but we didn’t really mind, knowing things would be back to normal the next morning. As promised, I got to pick the movie and I chose The Avengers.
I thought this would be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life, where I could finally be happy, but it turned out quite differently... All thanks to that letter.

Notes

Hey, sweethearts :)
Hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

Don't forget to vote, comment and subscribe :)

Love ya lots <3, xo