I tried. I really did try. I tried so hard to keep it together and to stay sane. But it was always just one drink too much to send me overboard , until it became a serious problem. And the worst part was that I didn’t give one single fuck about what happened to me, all I cared about was that the pain went away, that I felt nothing.
Most nights I was out of the house, at some shitty party. Truth be told, I didn’t like parties, but parties had alcohol and that’s what I wanted, that’s what I needed in my system to get my mind off all the tragedy. Of course neither Gerard nor Mikey approved of this one bit, but they couldn’t stop me. They couldn’t because I couldn’t even stop myself. I wanted it!
And after a week, the drinks weren’t enough anymore. I moved on to weed and the occasional cocaine. Gerard bitched about it when he find out about the cocaine. We fought about it a couple of times, but he just kind of gave up when he realized I didn’t give a single fuck about what he said. I mean, he still cared and he still worried , he just didn’t have the energy anymore. And I didn’t blame him. I would have done the same if the tables were turned.

It was just another Saturday night and I was in our bedroom, sitting on the bed and looking at my reflection in the mirror. There were dark bags under my eyes, my skin paler than usual; I looked tired. I pulled on my jacket and checked my hair one last time, even though it looked like shit anyways.
I passed Gerard on my way downstairs.
“I’m going out” I mumbled, my voice raspy.
“Of course you are” he sighed, barely looking at me. I ignored his comment, reaching the front door.
“Please call, so I know you’re okay!” Gerard shouted from upstairs.
“Maybe I’ll call you after my blood turns to alcohol” I mumbled, before slamming the door behind me.
I walked through a couple of streets to one of the craziest parties I had ever been to in my whole life. Of course I didn’t know how’s party it was or who’s gonna be there. I didn’t know anyone there, all I knew that there was gonna be drugs and alcohol. By the time I got there, it was already getting dark, the party at full swing with loud music blasting all around, plastic red cups laying around the front lawn.
I don’t really remember much of what went on during the night, but a few flashbacks popped in to my head; I know I drank a lot and smoked twice as much and added two joints to the list just to top it all off. I remember this girl I had never seen before trying to get me to dance with her. Of course I said no and walked away, because even in my most drunken and high state I still loved Gerard and I would never cheat on him! I remember stumbling outside, where I found a couple (I assumed they were a couple) making out by the front door. Not that I was disgusted by the sight, but I still vomited a second later and luckily not over myself. I remember the couple turning to me and asking me if I was okay. I probably mumbled something in return before collapsing to the ground.
The next thing I remember after that was Gerard and this guy carrying me to the car... That’s when my memory became a little more clear.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Gerard scolded me as he strapped in my seat belt.
“I was just...” I slurred out, not really sure what to say.
“I’ll tell you what you were thinking. Nothing!” he said, slamming the door in my face, then going around the car and sitting behind the wheel.
“I’m sorry baby” I mumbled, leaning closer to him.
“Yeah, you’re sorry. You’re always sorry” he said, more to himself then to me. We drove in silence, Gerard not even bothering to turn on the music like he usually did, he just kept his eyes on the road, ignoring me for most of the time.
“Are you mad at me?” I mumbled when we stopped in front of the house. He sighed, then finally looked at me, his hazel eyes glistening in the darkness of the night.
“Yes Frank, I’m very angry at you” he said, looking out the window again. He didn’t even want to look at me for more than a second? It was like a flood of sadness rushed over me, sending tears running down my cheeks, leaving me in a sobbing mess.
“But why?” I cried.
“You’re seriously asking me, why?” he smirked, then got out of the car. I watched him as he crossed to my side, his face hard as a rock, jaw clenched together, eyes cold. He opened my door and undid my seat belt.
“Gee?” I whispered. His eyes flickered at me for a moment, but that was everything I got from him.
“Gerard, please look at me” I cried out, wiping away the tears on my cheeks. Gerard turned his head, his eyes meeting mine. I could feel his warm breath on my neck, sending shivers down my spine, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My eyes shifted to his perfect, pinkish lips... So soft, so gentle. I leaned closer pressing my lips to his, kissing him. He pulled away only a moment later, leaving me with fresh tears on my cheeks.
“Not now, Frankie” he said quietly and helped me out of the car. He put my right hand over his shoulders, his left arm snaking around my waist, keeping me close to his warm body. He half dragged me through the front door, telling me to be quiet, because Mikey was already sleeping. I honestly admired Mikey for the past two weeks since the funeral. He was calm, he didn’t cry like I did, he continued on like nothing happened. I mean, he did talk about her a lot, listened to her playlists all the time, he even kept one of her shirts in his room, guarding it like it was the holy grail. But he didn’t have outburst anymore, he didn’t just blankly stare in to walls and he didn’t destroy himself each night more. He was going to survive this and live on. And I knew that I would to... But not without scaring.

Gerard took off my coat, then helped me upstairs to the bedroom. He sat me down on the bed and removed my shoes, throwing them somewhere across the room.
“Lie down” he said, before leaving the bedroom. I could hear his footsteps, going down the stairs. He returned a minute later, with a bucket and a glass of water. He placed the bucket by the bed, handing me the glass of water.
“Drink it” he said, sitting down next to me on the bed, taking my free hand and kissing it softly.
“What did you take?” Gerard asked when I emptied the glass, placing it on the nightstand. “
“Nothing” I croaked out. I turned my head to look at him and the whole room started spinning like a carousel.
“I’m being serious Frank, what did you take?” he asked again.
“I didn’t take anything” I slurred out, closing my eyes to steady the spinning room.
“I just drank and smoked, that’s all” I told him, opening my eyes again. Everything around me was blurry, everything except Gerard. He was as clear as day, sitting next to me, worry in his eyes and anger stretching his lips in to a thin line. Even when he was mad, he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life and I just couldn’t help myself, but to lean in and kiss him, placing my hands on his waist. He hesitated for a brief moment, but then he reached up and cupped my face, returning the kiss, slowly deepening it. I slowly licked his bottom lip, asking for entrance, which he granted almost immediately. He gently pushed me down on the bed, climbing on top of me, the kiss becoming hastier, more eager.
Gerard straddled my hips as my hands explored down his body, until I reached the hem of his shirt. Without any hesitation, I pulled the shirt over his head, throwing it across the room. Like automatically, my hands flew to his belt buckle, ripping it apart with one hand, the other palming Gerard’s completely hard cock over his jeans. I moaned in to his mouth, feeling my own member harden, sending waves of pure lust all over my body.
As I was drowning in the ecstasy of pleasure and desire, Gerard broke the kiss and pulled away. Eager to feel more of him, I tried to reconnect our lips, but he just moved further away.
“Stop it” he quietly said, moving away from me even more. I didn’t like that one bit, wanting to feel him, needing him inside me, to fuck my brains out, so I grabbed his by the back of his neck, with one swift move flipping us over and putting myself on top. I leaned up, expecting to be met by Gerard’s lips, but he moved his head to the side.
“I told you to stop it” he said, looking back up at me. His eyes were watery, his jaw clenched tightly together.
“Why?” I asked, slightly out of breath.
“Because you’re drunk and high” he said, his voice firm.
“Yeah, so?”
“So, I’m not doing this while you’re like this” then he pushed me off himself, falling down on the bed next to him. My stomach sank and I felt completely defeated. Gerard had turned me down for the first time in the six month we had been together. I just felt all in all horrible and only a second later that horribleness exited my body; I leaned over the edge of the bed and vomited straight – thankfully – in to the bucket. I heard Gerard sigh and feel him get off the bed, only appearing a second later, helping me sit up and bring the bucket in to my lap, my arms hugging it tightly, as Gerard drew circles on my back with his hand, whiles I continue to vomit like a fire-hydrant.
“You’re gonna be okay sweetheart” Gerard kept on whispering, until my stomach finally emptied and there was no more vomit to leave my mouth. My throat burnt from the acid and my muscles began to hurt.
Gerard took the vomit filled bucket to the bathroom, returning with another glass of water. When the glass was empty, Gerard helped me change in to my pajama bottoms and climb in to bed, covering me with a warm blanket.
“Thank you baby” I mumbled, already half asleep. He kissed me on my forehead, cupping my cheek with his hand.
“Just get some sleep okay?” he said, looking up and down my face.
“I love you” I said, rolling on to my side. I didn’t hear him say it back. I was already too far gone.

The next time I woke up, it was still dark outside and I was curled up against Gerard’s side. My head was pounding, my stomach muscles hurt like hell and my throat burned.
I looked around the room, the dim light soothing for my eyes. My clothes were lying on the floor next to the bed, along with an empty bucket. Despite the pain that was throbbing in my head, tears made their way down my cheeks, quietly falling on to my pillow. It wasn’t that I was sad, I didn’t cry anymore because I was sad. Lately, what I’ve been crying about most, is myself; the person I used to be just a month ago – my life seemed to have stabled; I was happily engaged with the man I love, my best friend was still alive and life didn’t suck in general and I wasn’t screwing up everything . I cried over the person I lost in the last month and the person in the present with no clue about my future. I no longer saw what would become of me in the future and I just didn’t care anymore.
I just couldn’t do this anymore; getting up, going to school, faking a smile, pretending. Just as I think, that maybe things will get better. But each time I think that, all my dark thoughts come flooding back in to my mind, telling me otherwise. And I tried and tried to push those thoughts away, but I just couldn’t escape my unhappiness.
I turned my head to look at Gerard. He was deeply breathing, his chest rising and falling at a steady pas, his lips slightly parted and his face completely calm.
God, I loved him. He stood by me through thick and thin. He loved me for the messed up person I was. And I couldn’t be more thankful to have found someone like him. But not even he could help me, not through this. It was something I had to do alone, to face it by myself. But today was not the day I would face it.
I carefully got out of bed, making sure I didn’t wake up Gerard and headed downstairs. Everything was quiet, the same way we left it the evening before; a box with left over pizza and a coffee mug in the coffee table and a mess of blankets on the couch. Without even thinking about it, I went in to the kitchen, straight to the cabinet where I knew Gerard kept his secret bottle of vodka. He didn’t like admitting he had it, but he said it was there just in case. Maybe this was ‘the case’.
I took the bottle and sat down on the kitchen floor, legs bent and pressed against my chest. The first few sips burned my throat, but the rest was smoother, good even. It wasn’t until the bottle was half empty that she appeared across from me.
Her hair was black as I remembered it, her skin regained colour. The oxygen tank was gone and so were the tubes that were before attached to her nose. She looked worried as she watched me drink more of the clear liquid, but then she widely smiled.
“Are you really not gonna share that?” she asked with a quiet giggle at the end.
“You’re not really here” I mumbled, taking another sip.
She looked around the kitchen, then at me and then at her body, pinching her arm. She slightly winced.
“Well, all evidence points to the contrary. I am really here, Frankie” she then said, bending her legs, now sitting cross-legged.
“You’re dead!” I pointed out.
“That doesn’t mean that I’m not here” she smirked at me.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want you to stop destroying yourself. Just because my life ended, doesn’t mean yours has to”
“It feels like mine was over a long time ago” I mumbled.
“Now you’re just being a drama queen” she smiled and raised her eyebrow.
“But seriously, Frank. Get your shit together!” she continued, crawling over to my side and sitting down next to me: “You’ve finally sort of pulled your life together, you’ve got a gorgeous man sleeping upstairs and he is killing myself over what you’re doing. I’m not saying to stop this madness for either Gee or me, I’m saying stop it for you! Or don’t you remember what we talked about that day in the hospital?”
I looked over at her, her grey-blue eyes staring right back at me.
“You’re beautiful” I then said.
“And you’re drunk. Glad we established that” she said, making a face that told me how dumb I was being.
“Now tell me what we talked about in the hospital” she demanded.
“About doing something with my music... And something about babies” I said, hiccupping midsentence. Gina rolled her eyes at me, then took the vodka bottle from my hand and placed it on the floor, out of my reach. Even in my drunken state I couldn’t help but think how strange it was, that most of the time we never think of people leaving and we just think they will always be around. I thought I’d be stuck with Gina for the rest of my life, until in our old age one of us would die in their sleep. We had planes, to go to collage, to go to New York and live there for a couple of years. But none of that will ever happened, because she’s gone. We think they’ll be around forever and then, one day, they are gone and you have this big empty space inside your chest and this is the point where I am now; with a big hole in my chest, causing nothing but pain. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing her or if one day I will let the acceptance of her passing in to my life and at that point, all I’ll b able to do, is hope I won’t get hurt again, that the pain won’t return and swallow me whole.
“Frank stop day dreaming” Gina snapped her fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to reality.
“Why did you have to fucking leave?” I asked, my voice cracking. There were tears running down my cheeks that I hadn’t even noticed were there.
“Do you really think I had a choice?” she smirked: “You really think I wanna be a teenager for the rest of my existence? Moody and hormonal? Hell no, I wanted to keep living, do all the things we planned and all the things Mikey and I planned. I wanted to go see Moscow and London and Stockholm and visit little countries most people hadn’t even heard about” she said, weakly smiling and nugging my shoulder.
“You’ll get over me. But just remember, I am a stubborn motherfucker, so I will always stick around, in your heart” she winked at me.
I leaned in and hugged her tightly, closing my eyes as more tears escaped my eyes.
“I really miss you” I croaked out.
“Frank, who are you talking to?”
I opened my eyes and was met by Gerard, standing at the kitchen entrance. Of course, Gina was gone, and it was just me and the nearly empty bottle of vodka on the kitchen floor.
“I... it was nothing” I said, sniffing a couple of times and wiping away the tears.
“You weren’t in bed, so I just-“
“Yeah, you wanted to make sure I wasn’t off somewhere killing myself, right?” I smirked up at him.
“Can you please stop this?” he said, stepping to me and helping me stand up, at the same time taking away the vodka bottle and throwing it in the trash can.
“Stop what?” I frowned at him.
“Stop with this self-destruction, stop this drinking problem!” I nearly yelled at me.
“You don’t get to say anything about my drinking problem, because you do the fucking same!” I grunted back at him, shaking his hand away.
“Do you really not see who you are becoming?”
I looked him dead in the eye, already furious about what he was gonna say next.
“You’re turning in to your father, and you don’t even see it!”
I scuffed at him, then pushed past him in an attempt to go back upstairs, to go back to sleep. It turned out sleep was the only way I could get away from all this bullshit.
“Frank!” I heard Gerard shout after me. “Frank, stop!”
“What?! What the hell do you want, Gerard?!” I shouted at him as I turned around.
“I want you to stop this! Please stop! Stop doing this to yourself!”
We were standing across the room from each other as one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had took place.
“Why should I?!” I yelled back: “Hh? Why should I stop? My best friend just fucking died! My mom fucking killed herself and left me alone with that son of a bitch that beat me up like a dog every motherfucking day for the past five years! Now, please go ahead, tell me, why shouldn’t I? I have nothing left, I have no one!”
By the time I was finished yelling, Gerard was in tears, brokenness all over his face and his voice shaking as he said: “You have me...”
My eyes grew wide from the realization of what I had just said.
“You’ll always have me” he said, now cold as ice: “But apparently that isn’t good enough anymore”
“Gee, I’m so s-“ I tried to apologies, the guilt sipping in to me like venom, but Gerard cut me off.
“Save if it Frank” he hissed at me as he walked past in me, trying to leave. Without even thinking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him back and was met by his hand slamming against my face. The sting of his slap spread through the left side of my face, but I didn’t care, I didn’t let go of him, I didn’t blame him for doing it. I pulled in to a hug, holding him tightly as he tried to break loose and sobbing to let him go, waterfalls of tears running down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry” I cried back “I’m sorry Gee”
We collapsed to the ground in each other’s arms as we cried, our tears mixing together, my faint sorry’s hanging in the air.
“I can’t do this anymore, Frank” Gerard croaked out, his hands clutching on to my shirt. I knew what he meant, he didn’t need to explain.
“No, please baby” I cried, tightening my arms around him.
“I’m sorry I just can’t keep watching you destroy yourself. I’m just done with this whole thing”
“No, Gee, please don’t do this!” I cried, refusing to let go of him: “I can’t do this alone, Gerard, please don’t leave me”
“I’m sorry, Frank, but I really don’t see any other choice” he said, running his hand through my hair before he broke out in to more sobs.
“I’m done... We’re done”


I woke up in screams, covered in sweat and gasping for air. I didn’t know where I was, what time it was or who was next to me, holding me. As the rush of panic faded away, I realized that I was in the bedroom, Gerard saying calming words to me, until I calmed down.
“Frank, what’s wrong?” he asked, un-sticking strands of hair from my face.
“It... I-I... It was...” I gasped for air.
“Are you okay?” Gerard asked, worry all over his face.
“Yeah...” I took a deep breath: “It was just a dream”
But it felt more like a nightmare....

Notes

Hey sweethearts :)
so the new chapter is finally here. I know it might not be good or I dont know, but I am pleased with it, so here you go.
In my last post I talked about finishing this story sooner then planned, and I have decided that instead of dragging it on, or just quickly finishing, that I'm just gonna reduce a couple of chapters, but still keep the story to how it origionaly looked.
Hope, this news makes you happy :)
It also seems I got a bit of my writing inspiration back, so that's good

Anyways, comment, vote and subcribe
Stay Fabulous, love ya xoxo