Maybe This Could Work...

Gina Lawrence died three days later in the ICU, when the cancer finally won the long battle, stopping her heart forever.
It was four in the morning when I got the phone call and as soon as I saw it was her foster mom, I knew something went wrong, but I wasn’t really prepared for the news... Not even slightly.
Mrs. Green told me she was uncuntious when her time came, the only indicator of her life being the beeping machines that in the end flat-lined, the beeping stopping forever.
She told me she was so sorry and then I told her that I was sorry. I honestly held back my tears for most of the conversation, just listening to Mrs. Green cry and sob and try to consult her best as I could and she tried to do the same for me.
Before we hung up I was crying, feeling my heart break as the news became reality, my brain realising that my best friend is actually gone.
Through the conversation, Gerard watched me, he listened to much of the conversation as he could and immediately embraced me when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. When the conversation was over, I could hear Mikey’s mumbled screams and cries through the thin wall between the rooms, which only made my heart break more.
Tonight, it wasn’t just me who lost someone; so did Mikey.
That’s why I told Gerard to go comfort him, telling him that I’ll be alright. And after about 15 minutes of him refusing and me crying and in the end me screaming at him to just leave me alone, he got up and went to Mikey’s room. I knew that after all the emotions inside me will seattle down, I will feel bad because I screamed at him and I knew that in the end, Gerard’s support will be all that will be keeping me up.
I listened to their conversation for a while, Mikey screaming and crying and Gerard speaking softly, probably drawing circles in to his brother’s back.
I reached in to my nightstand drawer, taking out my packet of cigarettes, liting on up with shaky hands. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I sat there, curled up in a ball against the head board, the smoke entering and leaving my lungs so slowly it began to cover me in a small cloud of smoke.
I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to. It didn’t seem real.
I felt like I’d see her tomorrow morning at school, talk to her about stupid stuff, joke around about even more stupid stuff, we’d text, we’d talk on the phone, we’d talk about boys... But none of that will happen, never again.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, and I didn’t really care. I just cried and smoked and it felt like that was all I needed right now. Well that... And I needed my best friend back in the land of the living. Soon my tears dried over, the pain become kind of numbing, but it was still tearing me apart inside. I just couldn’t grasp the concept, that my best friend was actually gone. I knew this day would come to someday, I just hoped I’d be more ready for it.
“Frank?” that’s all he said, that’s all it took to bring back the tears, when I looked up at him, seeing his worried, tear stained face. He didn’t say anything else, he just closed the door behind him and sat next to me on the bed and gently pulled me in to his embrace, my tears immediately staining his dark blue shirt.
“She’s gone” I crocked out, clutching on to his shirt. Gerard just hugged me closer to himself, holding my shaking body tight. It took me about ten good minutes to pull myself together enough to somehow talk.
“Why aren’t you with Mikey?” I asked, looking up at his wet hazel eyes.
“He’s downstairs having some tea. I just came to ask if you want some too” he said quietly, caressing my hair with one hand and holding me close with the other.
“Yeah” I nodded. Gerard kissed my forehead, then helped me stand up and with his arms still wrapped around me, we headed downstairs.
Mikey was curled up on the couch, a blanket covering the bottom half of his body, a mug full of hot tea in his hands, his quiet sobbing filling the room.
“Go sit down” Gerard softly said, letting go of me. I nodded and sat down next to Mikey, who didn’t even flinch. I leaned my head down on his shoulder and he pulled the blanket over my legs, snuggling up closer to me.
“I’m sorry” I said, my voice cracking.
“I’m sorry too” said Mikey, taking a sip of his tea. Gerard quickly returned with two mugs of coffee, handing me one and sitting opposite us on the coffee table. We sat in silence, all three of us shedding quiet tears and drinking hot tea to calm ourselves. It was already dawning when Mikey broke the silence.
“It’s just really sad you know...” he said, drinking the last of his tea. Gerard and I looked at each other, then at Mikey, waiting for him to continue.
“God had found someone so perfect for me, and we really couldn’t be together... But now I think that if God actually does exist, he’s one fucking son of a bitch” he said, his voice quivering at the end as more tears started running down his cheeks.
It all seemed like a never ending pain eating us up all inside, slowly, so we could feel every single bite and nibble, until there was nothing left to be eaten.
And it’s needles to say that Gerard and I didn’t elope. When we woke up next morning, we already doubted the idea, thinking it might be too hasty and by the time we got in to the car, we decided against it, that it would be better if we waited a little longer, like we’ve planned from the beginning. We didn’t regret the decision, especially not now.
The three of us sat there in the living room for countless hours – or at least it felt that way - , the tea already going cold. We didn’t talk much, a sentence here or there, quiet whimpers or sobs filling the room.
Some time in the morning, both Mikey and I fell asleep, but I don’t know if Gerard did, because when I woke up, he was gone. I found him in the kitchen, preparing coffee.

I thought hearing that Gina was gone would be the worst part of this whole life changing thing, but as it turned out, it was one of the easiest parts. The worst part was the funeral.
I won’t really go in to details about the funeral, but it was held in the local church with only close family members and friends present, along with the priest, who kept a sympathetic smile on his face through the whole time.
It was just like all other funerals; the priest spoke about Gina’s life, what she was like, what she liked and he of course talked about how now she is in God’s embrace, in his Holy home, watching over us all, protecting us. Mikey smirked at that. He truly no longer believed in any higher goodness what so ever.
Through it all, people held their heads low, tissues in hand to wipe away the tears. Mr. and Mrs. Green, along with her three older siblings – Maya, Joe, Isabelle – and the two younger twin boys, Tyler and TJ. They were holding hands the whole time, only letting go when the tears overflowed their faces. Mikey, Gerard and I were sitting behind them.
After the priest had finished his part of talking and blessing Gina in her passing, he said in a deep voice: “If there is anyone who would like to speak a few words about the desisted, step up now”
First one to go one was Maya, the oldest of the Green family and the only one that was biological. She talked about Gina like she were her real sister and in a way they were. Maya – as far as I could tell – was the only one that showed a shred of respect towards Gina, treated her like part of the family.
Then Mrs. Green went on, talking about pretty much the same, but mentioning what a hip of trouble Gina was as a child, and even more so when we became friends. We all weakly smiled at that.
Mikey followed, Gerard helping him climb the three stairs up to the podium. Mikey spoke about friendship and love, of their love for each other, how he wished they could have gotten more time together. And he recited her song like she had asked him and it was beautiful.
“We’re meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us? Because we only realise what we had, after it’s gone” he finished, Gerard immediately at his side to help him back to his seat. By the time they reached me, Mikey’s face was covered in tears.
Then it was my turn.
When I was asked to speak at Gina’s funeral, I put off writing the speech as long as I could. In the end I wrote a whole bunch of bull crap that was respectful and decent and polite and I was completely and totally fake! It wasn’t what Gina and I were. But I decided to just go with it, not being able to write anything better. I held the sheet of paper in my hands as I made my way to the podium, my knees shaking.
I stood there, looking at all the faces looking at me, the priest standing next to me on the right and Gina’s open casket on my left. She looked so peaceful; no tubes stuck in her nose, her face pale and dark make up applied to her eyes, her now pale lips covered in red lipstick, making them look like they were dyed in blood – I knew she’d like that. Her hair was straightened, framing her face almost perfectly. They dressed her up – this was her final wish – in black skinny jeans, an Asking Alexandria t-shirt and leather jacket – the way she always wanted it.
I then looked back at the paper in my hand and just folded it and shoved it inside my blazer pocket. There is no way in hell that I am saying goodbye to my best friend in fake words.
“Our lives are constantly moving, never stopping” I began, just going with my gut.
“And in our life time we meet a lot of people, even if they are just stranger. They can be friends, or teachers, or a random person you get sat down next to in first grade. All these people impact our lives in a certain way; some more, some less.
And others make our time worth spending alive.
For the past twelve years that was Gina for me and she will continue to be in memory and in thought. She was, is and forever will be my best friend, the person that was always there for me, and no one, not even death, can break what we had, because we are bulletproof. Our friendship is so to speak, immortal. No one ever said immortality meant never dying. Immortality means remembering; as long as we remember the person, keep them in our hearts, their memory will live forever, inside us.
I will miss Gina for the rest of my life, because she was truly one of a kind.
People say we go to a better place when we die. I don’t believe such places exist, but I do believe that wherever Gina is now, she is smiling and she’s with people who love her.
The ache of Gina’s death will probably never fade. Time will never make it easier. Every time I’ll hear her name, my stomach will drop and my smile will fade. But I will not let all this ache stain the golden, pure memories I have of Gina. I will think about her and reminisce about moments we could have spent together if faith had been kinder. She will always live through me, through my memories of her, and I will forever try to do her justice”
Everything was silent, so I just continued of telling a few memories of Gina and I when we were little, bringing weak smiled on their faces.
I took my seat again, Gerard immediately entwining our fingers.
“That was beautiful” he whispered in to my ear, pressing a soft, discreet kiss to my cheek. I only weakly smiled in return.
The priest continued to speak a few more words taken from the Bible, then announced there will be a song played in honour of the departed. I spoke to Maya about this before the funeral and she said they agreed they would play one of Gina’s favourite songs and I was really surprised the church allowed this. But I was even more surprised when the music started playing.
Instead of electric guitars and drums and bass guitars, an organ and a multi voiced choir sounded through the room, echoing all around. I confusingly looked around, trying to figure what the actual fuck as going on, and then I looked at Maya, who was just as confused as me.
“This is wrong” I said to myself.
“What?” quietly asked Gerard.
“This is wrong!” I spoke loudly over the choir music.
“Frank, what ar-“ Gerard began, but I was already on my feet, marching towards the speakers that were at the back of the podium. I noticed with the corner of my eye Mr. Green standing up, probably trying to stop me, but Mrs. Green pulled him back down to his seat.
I immediately unplugged the speakers from the radio that was playing the wrong music. I turned around to face the people gathered in the church, my eye full of tears.
“What the hell?” I asked, slightly raising my voice.
“She wouldn’t have wanted this!” I almost yelled, taking my phone from my pocket, connecting it to the speakers. Quickly shuffling through my phone I found the song that Gina loved – The Children Of The Night by Lordi.
I looked at Gina’s still pale corpse, wiping away the newly formed tears and placing my phone on the radio next to the speakers, retaking my seat next to Gerard. As I walked back, everyone, except Maya, Mrs. Green and Gerard – and probably Mikey if I could see his eyes - , looked at me like I just murdered someone or I cursed against God in church. All I did was make sure my best friend’s last wishes were fulfilled.

“...In the dead of night I hear’em sigh
The children of the night are calling
Hear’em cry, they still defy endlessly
I feel like I’m falling...
Now they’re all my children of the night...” the chores sang and all I could think was: ‘Now she’s a child of the night’

After everyone came down from their shock and the song was over, it was time to put Gina to her finally resting place.
When dirt was completely covering Gina’s coffin, people started to leave. We waited until the burying was completely done and I wooden cross stacked in to the ground, where the tombstone will go in a few days. On the cross it said:

Gina Lawrence
1995 – 2013

The Greens invited us back to their house for drinks and food, but – thankfully – we all politely declined. The drive back home was quiet, the silence defining.
As soon as we got home, we undid as much of our formal attire (tux, white shirt, etc.) as we could without putting too much effort in to it. We ended up in the back yard – which is pretty small to be honest – with a bottle of whisky and Gina’s playlist playing on low volume as we passed the bottle around.
Not much was said again, but a lot of tears were shed, the ones that couldn’t break through during the funeral.
“I just wish her pain was worth something to justify her existence” said Mikey, taking a swing of th amber liquid.
“No one should be allowed to every live in such pain” he added after.
“I miss her...” I whispered, earning a muffled sob from Mikey and Gerard squeezing me closer to his warm body. There was a slow song playing in the back ground, only a part of the lyrics catching my attention: “...you make my heart shake, bend and break, but I can’t turn away...” I think all our hearts were shook, bent and broken in the last four days, leaving behind ashes that would take time to ever again become something.
“I’d give up all my tomorrows, all my days I still have left to live, just so I could have one more day with her” I said, taking a big swing of the whisky, holding on to the bottle.
“I’d give up all I have and don’t have just to have her back” said Mikeym his voice breaking. I took another sip, then looked up at Gerard, who was just bluntly staring in front of himself, his mouth slightly agape.
“You okay?” I asked him. He blinked a couple of times, before he looked down at me, giving me some sort of encouraging smile.
“Yeah... I mean, not really. I lost a friend, but... I’ll be okay. And so will you” he said, pressing a kiss to my forehead, taking the bottle from my hand and taking a small sip.
I realised that we were all hurting, mentally and emotionally. But we will continue to live our lives with smiles on our faces, walking around like nothing ever happened. And that’s who we are...
I looked up at the evening sky, which was already littered with stars.
“They’re shinning for her” I said, smiling but with tears forming in my eyes.
“What?” Mikey asked.
“Look at the stars” I said, pointing up at the sky.
“I can’t see genius, remember?” Mikey sighed, a quiet giggle escaping his lips
“Yeah, yeah I know, you’re blind Mikey, we get it, you don’t have to brag about it” Gerard joked, trying to sound offended, but all he did was make himself look like a diva. We all laughed at that – genuinely laughed.
“I know you can’t see them Mikes” I said, looking at Mikey and then back at the stars: “But they’re shinning for her”

Life isn’t perfect and it most likely never will be. But it’s the ups and downs that make it worth living. So we gotta at least try to live.

Notes

Hey Sweethearts :)

I'm really wandering if you're still enjoying this story, because if you're not, please tell me!
I apologise for updating late again, but my wifi was down.

But, yeah... Stay Fabulous, xo