Maybe This Could Work...

I stared at my blood covered hand, the light of the lamp glistening in the red liquid.
“Gee, what did you do?” I quietly asked, trying to hide the fear and hysteria in my voice. Gerard remained quiet, his head held down, his eye closed. I feared lifting up his shirt, but I knew I had to... There was just so much blood.
I lifted his shirt, a quiet whimper escaping Gerard’s lips as I did so, revealing three horizontal cuts, cut deep inside the pale skin of his waist, blood running out from all of them and soaking his sweatpants. For a moment, I just stared wide eyed in disbelieve at what he had done to himself, my mouth covered with my hand, and I didn’t care that it was completely bloody.
I finally took my look off of the cuts, looking at Gee and meeting his sad hazel eyes, tears freely falling from them.
Then my brain went in to overdrive! I immediately started thinking what should I do, and I knew that the first thing I need to do was clean the wound and maybe stop the bleeding and bandage them up.
“Where do you keep your first aid kit?” I asked him, my voice cracking.
“Kitchen...” he mumbled so quietly I barely heard him.
“Okay, baby, I’ll be right back, just stay here” I said hastily, pressing a quick kiss to his temples, before running off downstairs and straight in to the kitchen. When I got downstairs, everything was quiet and pitch black. I stumbled around, trying to find the light switch. When I finally found it, not really caring that I left blood stains on it when I turned on the lights; what mattered now, was my Gerard and making him better. I rampaged through the cabinets until I finally found the first aid kit, which was completely new, everything sealed shut. I wondered if it was just a new one or had he really never used one before...
I ran back up the stairs, only to find the bedroom empty.
“Gerard?” I called out, not really caring if I woke up Mikey.
“Gerard, baby, where are you?” I called, getting even more worried then I already was, fearing that he might have done something to himself again. I stepped to the bathroom door in attempt to open it, but it was locked and that just sent me in to a panic state, of knocking aggressively on the door and yelling.
“Gerard, open up!” I yelled on the break of tears.
“Please, Gee...” tears started uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks:”Please, let me help you”
“What’s going on?”
I turned to find Mikey stepping out of his bedroom, a worried expression on his face.
“It’s Gee” was all I could sob out, before another wave of tears hit my eyes. Mikey immediately knew what was going on. He stepped to the door, hitting on it so hard I thought it was going to fall down, and yelling: “Gerard, open this god damn door right now, or I swear to god I’m breaking it down!!”
We waited a couple of seconds, the only sound emerging in the silent house were my sobs, when finally we heard a quiet click and the door slightly opening. Mikey pushed the door open, making way for me to get in.
Gerard was sitting on the floor, leaning back on the bathtub in a small pool of his own blood with teary eyes.
“How bad is it?” asked Mikey, carefully listening to what was going on.
“It’s nothing” mumbled Gerard.
“I’m not asking you! Frank?” Mikey demanded, kneeling down next to me as I took a better look at the deep cuts.
“I don’t know... It’s really deep” I said, grabbing a towel of the towel rack and pressing it to Gerard’s side to try and stop the bleeding.
“Fuck... Can you stop it or...” Mikey said, fearing to end his sentence; or do we call 911.
“No... I... Just, I don’t know” I said, looking up at Gee. His face was really pale, more than usual. He stared in front of himself, a blank expression on his face, like he was already half dead.
Without even saying a word, Mikey handed me a wet towel to wash the wounds clean, even though blood kept flowing out. Gerard slightly hissed when the cold, wet towel came in to contact with his cut open skin, but he remained quiet.
“How is it?” asked Mikey after a while, when all that he could hear was Gerard’s quiet hisses. The blood had slightly stopped running, giving me just enough time to press a sterile gauze to the wounds and bandaging them up so the gauze stayed in place.
“I think it’s going to be okay” I said, now pressing the clean part of the wet towel to Gee’s face. His sad, tired eyes looked at me. There’s always that one moment, where it seems like time has stopped. The moment drags on forever, becoming almost never ending. And this, when our eyes met... For me, it was the moment that would never end. It wasn’t a moment stopped in time because of love or passion or happiness. It was a moment stopped by brokenness, sadness and the loss of hope, faith, loss of will to live. Just seeing that in the eyes of the man I love, seeing him like this, it broken my heart. It broke my heart to see how broken he was. Before tonight, I knew a man that loved living, that was happy and in love, but now... I saw that all those smiles and laughter’s hid darkness and sorrow. All those things hid a broken man, who was afraid of living.
I pressed a gentle kiss to his temple, his skin cold as ice.
“Help me carry him” I said to Mikey, ignoring the pleading look Gerard gave me. Mikey and I lifted up Gerard’s arm, placing them around our shoulders and somehow carried him to his bedroom, Mikey almost falling down, do to his still struggling sightless coordination. But we managed. We placed him down on the bed and I immediately covered him in attempt to warm him up.
“Thanks Mikes” I quietly said as I was tucking him in.
“You want me to stay with you?” asked Mikey, concern in his voice.
“No, it’s fine, but thank you” I said, giving him a greatful smile, but then realising he can’t see it.
“Look, if anything else happens, you come get me immediately” he said, before walking back to his room.I briefly nodded to him.
I watched Gerard for a moment, realising he was already asleep. I slipped back in to bed, taking Gerard’s lifeless cold body in my embrace. He was calmly breathing and I could feel his breath on my skin.
Why would he do this? Did he do it just because we got in to an innocent fight? No, it couldn’t have been that... Right? He wouldn’t do that to himself just because I was being a drunken prick...
“You’re okay baby...” I hummed, my lips pressed to his wet hair. Gerard mumbled in his sleep, curling up to me even more.
I stayed awake most of the night, holding on to Gerard’s fragile body as he soundly slept. I just kept imagining losing Gerard, how life would be without him. True, he wasn’t in my life for a long time, we’ve know each other for about a month and yet, I can’t imagine being without him ever again. He was my angel, my beautiful angel, whom I love with all heart and soul. I loved all of him and everything about him, even now when I knew how broken he was, he was still my Gerard. He didn’t change in my eyes, I only got to knew the side of him he hid away from the world.
Those thoughts were the ones that finally allowed me to sleep and I was glad it was a dreamless sleep.
I felt soft and warm lips press against my own, gently waking me from my sleep. The softness left my lips and my eyes fluttered open. I was immediately met by a pair of gorgeous hazel eyes.
“Frankie?” Gee’s soft voice called, completely waking me up. Before I could even speak a single word, everything from last night replayed through my mind, sending me back in to a state of worry.
“Are you okay?” I asked with a raspy voice.
“Yeah” he nodded, his eyes travelling away from mine. I pressed a light kiss to his forehead. Seconds of silence followed.
“Why?” I then asked, almost not recognising my own voice. Gerard looked back up at me, his eyes tearing up.
“Why what?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Why did you do it Gerard?” I said, my hand unintentionally travelling down to his waist, where the soft fabric of the bandages met my fingertips. Gerard lowered his look again, rolling on to his side away from me.
“Gee, baby, please talk to me” I pleaded, wrapping my arms around him.
“No...” I heard him mumble in to the pillow.
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll hate me... And leave me...” he sobbed. I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he really saying those words or was it just my imagination?
“Gerard, no, I’d never hate you or leave you! I love you” I said, combing his hair away from his face with my hand so I could see him.
“Not after I tell you” he said quietly.
“Baby, stop being like this, please tell me. Please, just trust me. I’m here for you. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can do to lose my love” I pleaded, hoping he’d at least turn back to me. He looked at me with the corner of his eye and after a brief moment, he sat up, running his hand through his red hair.
“It’s was just... Well, when I was younger, when I was Mikey’s age I hung out with some pretty bad people and things got pretty fucked up. I fell hard in to drugs, mostly cocaine, and I was an alcoholic” his eyes made contact with mine and I could see he was searching for any sign of resentment or judgement on my face. But there wasn’t a single trace of it.
“Through that time I had learned that you can drink too much and forget the night before, but you can never drink enough to forget the people you’ve loved and lost. And that, exactly that, fucked me up the most. I was dating this guy, who was also my drug dealer at the time, his name was Bert...” I flinched for a moment, but kept my cool about him dating other people. Of course he dated other people, he wasn’t just waiting his entire life for me.
“And what Bert and I had was an abusive relationship, he tormented me and put me down on a regular bases until it got so far that he started beating me up. Even once I broke up with him, it didn’t really stop. But I moved back here, away from that life. But the thing was, that that life followed me here. I was shitfaced every night, with Mikey, who was way too young for that bullshit, taking care of me and I always found a way to get drugs, it didn’t matter to me which drugs, all that mattered was that I had some, that it took the pain and the memories away for the night. I destroyed myself every night. I understood myself only after I destroyed myself and only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was. I was nothing and no one” tears started slowly running down his cheeks, his eyes flickering up to meet mine. It broke my heart hearing all this, what he went through and how the past still haunted him.
“Gerard...” I whispered, wiping away his tears, new ones forming in his eyes. I didn’t know what to say! I wanted to shield him from all those things that happened to him, but in all honestly I couldn’t. I knew that all I could do was try and make his future brighter, try and help him heal his wounds of the past, replace the horrible memories with new happier ones. I wrapped my arms around him, his head resting on my chest, his voice shaking as he spoke again.
“I messed up, I always said something wrong. I made people mad, especially Mikey, so I wanted to get better, but the only way I could take away the drinking was with pill, antidepressants mostly, and hurting myself, keeping my attention on the pain and off the desire for booze. I usually thought of suicide and I thought that, maybe I won’t do those things anymore, because I wouldn’t be here anymore tomorrow...” I held him tighter to my body, pressing kisses on top of his head. He cried and sobbed and I held him tight until he calmed down enough to speak again. I remained quiet, until he got everything out, because from my past experience, you have to let people cry it out, feel the pain, which demands to be felt, before you can help them.
“Then when I actually tried to commit suicide, Mikey stopped me before I could do it and knocked some sense back in to me. I tried to get better, I kind of did. I pulled my life together, moved out of my parents’ house, bought this house with Mikey, got a job and then... I met you” Gerard looked up at me, a small smile on his lips. I gently touched his cheek, giving him a loving smile in return.
“What does meeting me have to do with all this? I was just some kid in your classroom” I said as Gerard sat back up to be on the same eye level as me, entwining our fingers.
“You were never just some kid, Frank. I thought that this art teacher job was going to be just something to get my mind off of everything. But then I saw you, remember it like it was yesterday. Iron Maiden t-shirt, skinny jeans, a black hoodie and smudged eyeliner. At that moment, I thought to myself: ‘That is the most perfect human being in the world. I have never seen someone so beautiful’. After that day, I actually tried with all my heart to get my life back, to change for the better, so one day I might be good enough for you” he smiled, pressing his forehead against my own. As I saw that he was getting better, mood wise, I honestly didn’t want to ask my next question, but I had to.
“And tonight... Why did you, you know... Hurt yourself?”
His face dropped slightly, but he remained calm and he didn’t burst back in to tears.
“First, let me just explain that I only came over to you and Gina, because me and your math teacher were just leaving the faculty meeting when we saw you drinking under the bleachers and he wanted to send you both straight to the principle, but I said I’d take care of it” he said, lightly smirking.
“You were saving my ass?” I asked in disbelieve.
“Mhm” Gerard nodded.
“I feel even worse now... thank you” I sighed, leaning my head down on his shoulder.
“I know... So, after our fight back there, I got back home and all I could think about was, how much a craved a drink. I had one... Then you came home, and believe me, I wasn’t pissed off at you, I was pissed off at myself and I just couldn’t face you in that state. After you left my study, I did that, as a punishment for even thinking about alcohol” he said, placing out entwined hands on to the bandages. I watched him, seeing only regret in his eyes. Regret and sadness.
“Gerard, you don’t have to hide these things from me” I told him, wrapping my legs around him and he did the same, so we were in a full body hug.
“I know that now, sweetheart. Don’t worry” he lightly smiled, pressing a soft kiss to my lips.
“And always remember, you’re beautiful and amazing and wonderful and you’re just... Wow. I mean like, you suck sometimes just like every normal person, but just know I’d do anything for you. You’re my everything baby” I said, drawing circles in to his palm with my thumb.
“Frankie, trust me, I’m really not that great...” he started to protest, but I stopped him with a kiss. The kiss was soft and gentle and passionate at the same time. No tongue, no biting of the lip, just our lips pressed together in love.
“Now you listen to me Gerard Way” I said when we pulled away, my hands cupping his face, looking directly in to his gorgeous hazel eyes with specks of green and dark brown: “I will keep telling you that you are important, deserving, loving, intelligent, worthy, compassionate, beautiful, creative, inspiring, brave, true, strong and able, until you finally realize it for yourself. I love you Gerard and I’m never in a million years living you”
Then I kissed him again. And he kissed back.

Notes

Hey sweethearts :) So... I've mentioned before in my notes that I'd asked out my crush and that we were going to the movies... And, well... She stood me up... Sucks balls, but I'm gonna get through it
So besides the emotional stuff, I still have practical work for school for the next weeks so, after that's over I'll be posting more often like before :)

Hope you like it :)

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