Home Is Where The Heart Is

Gerard's P.O.V I stared at the ceiling. I ignored everyone that came to see me. Including Mikey. I didn't speak at all. I refused to eat or sleep too. Everyone was getting worried. But I didn't care. Kat doesn't love me. So why should I care? It's been a week since I was locked in here. A few of the other patients tried to talk to me when I sat in the day room. I just ignored them and stared out the window into the boring street. Occasionally I saw Kat sitting in the café across the road, looking at me with sad eyes. I just avoided eye contact and stared at a painting sprayed on a wall nearby the café. She's always there, watching me, but never visiting. Not moving till I'm dragged to therapy. Every days been the same. Get up. Shower. Breakfast for everyone but me. Day room. Lunch. Therapy. Day room. Dinner. Day room. Medication. Bed. Then repeat. Kat was there every time I entered the day room. She's there now. "What's up?" One patient asks me. I don't acknowledge him. So he nudges me. "Oi. Retard." He snaps. I blank him. I can see Kat out the corner of my eye, frowning at us. "Fucking retard." The patient snaps, pushing me. My forehead hits the window. Still I don't respond. I don't really care. He spins me around and grabs me by my collar, holding me against the wall. He raises his fist and punches me in the nose. I feel the blood but ignore it. He punches again. This time my lip splits. I still ignore him. Two male orderlies drag him away. I stay stood where he left me. I could still see Kat, staring at me. She had tears running down her face. "Let's get you cleaned up." A nurse said as she grabbed my arm. I sat down and turned to the window again. She sighed. "Come on, Gerard." She tried again. I ignored her. So she went to get a first aid kit. I saw Mikey walk into the café with Ray, Bob and Frank. They sat with Kat. Mikey hugged her. Maybe this is what she really wanted. My brother and friends while I rot away in here. They all looked up at me. Sad looks on their faces. I ignored them all. I just stared at the picture. Kat hugged Mikey tighter. My blood began to boil. I tried to calm myself. Fuck Kat. Fuck Mikey. Fuck em all. I'm done. I stand up and turn my back on them. From now on it's about me. I'll live my life without them. I'll work on getting my life together. Once I'm out of here, I'll go my own way. Away from all of them. The nurse returns with the first aid kit. But before she reaches me, I close my eye's and open my mouth and....sing. " Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way. For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took, Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor? I'm not okay I'm not okay I'm not okay You wear me out What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay) I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay) To be a joke and look, another line without a hook I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look! I'm not okay I'm not okay I'm not okay You wear me out" I paused to look back out the window. One was open, so I knew they were listening. "Forget about the dirty looks The photographs your boyfriend took You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed I'm okay I'm okay! I'm okay, now (I'm okay, now) But you really need to listen to me Because I'm telling you the truth I mean this, I'm okay! (Trust Me) I'm not okay I'm not okay Well, I'm not okay I'm not o-fucking-kay I'm not okay I'm not okay (Okay)" Mikey was smiling now. I shot him a angry look. His smile vanished. Instead he looked worried. "Keep them." I shouted to Kat. "You can have my fucking family and friends. I don't need them anyway. I don't need anyone where I'm going. I'm fucking done." I flipped them off them turned and headed to therapy. Everyone was staring, wide eyed and open mouthed, at me. I sat in the chair in the office, across from Dr Philip Mortimer. He smiled at me. "I heard your singing." He said. "It was brilliant." I ignored him. "I don't want any visitors." I told him. "I don't want to be in here anymore. So I'll do whatever I need to do to get out. Then I'm going away by myself and pursuing my art and singing alone. I don't need or want anyone." Dr Mortimer frowned. "I don't think it's a good idea to turn your family away." I stood up. "The law says you have to do whats best for my recovery. Correct?" "Well...yes...but." "I believe the family and ex friends wish to harm me." I lied. "So if they visit, I'll flip. No singing. No talking. Just punching.....a wall. A door. Whatever damages me physically. I believe that is stopping my recovery. Your choice." Dr Mortimer frowned. But agreed. He picked up the phone as I sat down. He dialed Mikeys mobile number. Mum and Dad were working. When he answered, Dr Mortimer put it on loudspeaker. Mikey: "Hello?" Dr: "Hello Mr Way. This is Dr Mortimer." Mikey: "Oh. Hello, Dr Mortimer. How's Gerard?" Dr: "He's the reason I called actually. It's best no one visits him anymore." Mikey: "What? Why?" Dr: "He says he doesn't trust any of you." Mikey: "But...but he's my brother. I can't cope without him." I scoffed. Me: "Bullshit. You have Kat now. You don't need to pretend to care about me. That's what she wanted all along. Well she can have you all. I don't need any of you. You'll never have to worry about what crazy, useless Gerards gonna do next, ever again. Once I'm out of here, I'm leaving town to work on my music and art. Alone. Have fun with Kat. But you should know she'll only abandon you too. After you save her and get shot. But maybe she won't do that to you. Because she probably loves you. She never did me. Have a nice life. So long and goodnight." I walked out the room without waiting for a reply. I sat by the window in the day room. I looked back at the painting as the nurse cleaned up my face. I sang softly. I could see Mikey staring up at me with tears in his eyes. They all were crying as they looked up at me. Even Bob. It's their own fault. They chose that lying witch over me. I should have known they would. I mean, I'm worthless. Nobody cares about me. People only tolerant me. So why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to love them all? Even Kat? The nurse moved away so I stood up. I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes as I swayed. I felt so dizzy. My legs gave way and I collapsed to the floor. Darkness took over.

Notes

Love as always. xxx