Not Enough, I'm Never Enough

My heart is pounding as I look into his eyes. “Mikey…”

He shakes his head angrily, bouncing multiple times on my bed. We’re back home now, and it looks like we have a lot to figure out. “No, Gerard, can’t you see what you just did? You just broke a poor guy’s heart! Well, never mind that, even-you just threw away your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like it’s just some old plastic wrap! Can’t you see what all of this means for you? That you’ll never get this chance back? Are you-“

“Mikey,” I interrupt harshly, looking straight in the eye, “I know. I know. Believe me, I know. I just wasted my only ticket to happiness away from me, and I can see that perfectly well. It’s just… It’s just…” My voice breaks, and I cover my eyes to hide the tears that are beginning to form under my eyelids.

“Gerard,” Mikey’s voice comes out, soft and compassionate. I can feel his hand on my shoulder now; a comforting gesture, for sure, but I still tremble under the sudden touch. Why? I’m broken. Broken with a million questions. Broken with a piece of glass for a heart, threatening to shatter at any moment. Broken…because of Frank.

Frank. Who is he? How is he able to steal my heart in just a day and quickly stab it with the knife of his thoughts? It’s unintentional, but it still kills me! And why does he think I’m cute? Why does he want to fuck me? Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Isn’t he straight? Is he cheating on her? Does he do that all the time? But then again, I never saw her at the party, even if I’d only been there for a short while. I would’ve expected her to stick by Frank’s side the entire time.

What’s even happening? Why did I back away from him in the first place? Furrowing my eyebrows, I struggle to recall the events that occurred an hour ago, when I was still at the party. Frank and I were on the floor, hugging each other. He was drunk. He told me I was beautiful and cute. He told me he wanted to have sex with me. And I was full of disbelief by what happened, and degraded myself so much that I decided on my own that he would leave me after getting to know how much of a loser I am. So, I felt at that time that it would be better for me to leave him before he leaves me and breaks me. And so I did exactly that. Smashing him to pieces in the process.

All of this makes sense, at least. But why is he heartbroken because of me? He doesn’t even know me. I’m not as handsome as to make him like me in just a fraction of a day. I don’t have anything in me at all. But, he said it out loud. That he liked me. I’m sure I wasn’t dreaming, everything was so real-the tension from the party, the loud commotion coming from the people all around us, the tingling sensation I felt from his arms rubbing against my waist… But how…How…

Just as I’m thinking of all this, Mikey sums up the very problem that’s causing me all of this mess.

“You have an extremely low self-esteem, Gee.”

Oh. Of course. Why else would I think he will definitely leave me without even knowing how he feels about stuff? Maybe he’s different from the rest. Maybe he doesn’t care about looks or personality at all-maybe he only cares about the person and the heart. I’ve just made a foolish blunder of prejudging him to be the stereotypical popular guy. And now, I can’t just go back to him, apologize to him and agree to fuck with him. That would just be the most stupid thing ever to do. He would just think I’m a pathetic freak and turn away from me forever.

But then again, I can’t just leave everything this way. I’ll have to at least tell him I’m sorry, or my life in Belleville High will be absolute hell. I’m dealing with the Head Councillor-he’ll be able to do anything he wants with me. If he hasn’t forgiven me, or isn’t planning to at all, he’ll might as well ship me off to detentions every day and complain about me to teachers about stuff I probably didn’t even do. He has that power. And he might get me expelled. The very thought of it sends my nerves into a messy jumble. No way am I going to get expelled again. I had made a resolve today morning that I will do anything it takes to be a good student. I won’t get into fights, just stay meek and quiet whenever anyone gangs up on me, keep a low profile, and, of course, get good grades. I was willing to do all of that if it meant being in a school where no one ostracized me and the Head Councillor was a handsome dude.

But now, this happened. All because of me and my self-derogatory thoughts. God, I’m such a loser.

“Boys, dinner’s ready!” Mom calls out to us from below. I wipe my tears away and stand up, stretching my arms. Mikey follows me suit.

“Well,” he says flatly, “what are you going to do from here?”

I shrug bitterly. “I can’t just, like, not talk to him after this. I’m going to apologize to him tomorrow, and explain how I feel about the whole situation. He might be angry, he might be not-I have no idea. But I think he deserves an explanation.”

He nods, staring down at the ground. “Okay, Gee, but…do think about yourself once in a while, alright? I mean, I really want you to be happy and stuff. I just can’t see you all depressed like this, it’s killing me. I wanna see you as that eight-year-old boy again-the cheerful, strong big brother I always looked up to when I was five. I…I want that again, Gee.”

I don’t respond. Mom yells again, and the both of us instantly rush down the stairs to have dinner.

Notes

So, a little brother time between Mikes and Gee... AND I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE WAITING FOR FRERARD, I KNOW!!! I promise upon you, upon God, upon Ray, Frank, Gerard, Bob and Mikey that they WILL come in the next chapter! This one is just a short filler that explains what Gee's feelings are now and what he's planning to do. I promise everything will go downhill from here!